Limbo
I never knew how much weight I carried with the words “You can do anything you put your mind too” until now. My mom always tells me this and my parents believe in me so hard telling me that everything I do is a massive feat because I have cerebral palsy. Its a minor case but I have to fight constantly for the wins. Those wins feel amazing don’t get me wrong, but the failures fuel me more. I don’t know how to give up, I do know how to buy time and wait. However, the weight of ‘anything’ gets to me.
I am currently in a state of limbo after having graduated college with a BA in English. I still work part-time for a job that only pays me $12 an hour and live with my parents plus my sister. My dad’s job is going under and he is cureently job hinting, my sister is recovering slowly from coming out of a psychotic break, and my mom is trying to be the strong one.
Mom and Dad also started pushy on my limbo. The weight of ‘anything’ comes to haunt me. There are so many options, but what is the right door? Which door do I open? Which one do I chase? I want more than one thing.
I haven’t told my parents that I plan to reapply to graduate school or even save up for it. I want to travel, I want to see the world and get lost in it more than setting roots down someplace. I don’t know how, but my first step begins this August. I’m reapplying to graduate school, I’m going to England, I’m going to finish my book that I am writing, and I going to start looking into how to start up my own buisness.
@Wolfgirl23 it's so much confusing ikr been there ...struggled with that and kinda still do 😕 it's difficult coping with the stress because there's so much happening and constant pressure unsaid and said doesn't help at all ... times like these it may feel like time is running and maybe it is but you can still walk at your pace and do your thing 💕
you seem so passionate about somethings you mentioned in the last paragraph, you want more than one things and you can get those .. one at a time 💕 in your time ... step by step.
Thank you for your kind words. It is super confusing because its just so much to handle.
@Wolfgirl23
WOW, your parents nurtured a strong being. And you have embraced it amazingly. I feel for and am sorry about your hardships and your family's independent trials and tribulations.
I have gotten paralyzed so many times (and still do) by getting overwhelmed by all that which I cannot control. I fight harder and harder but the issues seem to multiply.
I have finally concluded it's natures way of saying I'm all filled up and it's time to let things take thier own path while I focus only on one or two things important to me. It may sound selfish but I've learned things will mellow out as I regroup and lessen the weight of those things I cannot control.
All things yield to diligence but don't break yourself. Bend..... Time will guide you on an amazing adventure.
Continue beliveing in your amazing self and don't doubt your strong values!
My parents are always shocked by strength. Though they yell at me for internalizing sometimes too. I just don’t know how to stay down, stay negative, or stay feeling vulnerable. Its not in me to do so, but I’m very compashionate so I usually put others before myself because I am not alone. Dad is struggling, mom is striggling and my older sister is struggling so they naturally come first for me. However, my best friend kind of puts it back on me and says ‘I didn’t ask about them, I asked about you. How are you doing?’ Which really helps because half the time I don’t know. I can say for sure now, I have a goals I wish to accomplish and part of me knows its me being selfish in a healthy way because its for me. The term I like for this is dangerously determined, I am motivated to seize life because I love the challenge but I know the struggles and I’m aware of the costs that may happen.
It really comes back to I can do anything, so what am I going to do? What is my game plan? I put so much pressure on myself that my laziness comes out sometimes in the little things like procastinating on laundry, making my bed, regular house chores, and other things. However, this happens when I am in hustle mode too that my focus needs to be 110% so I don’t drop the ball. I still struggle with balance and life gets confusing because I feel like I need to be selfish buts its a confusing feeling for me.
Right now the loudest thought in my head is “Alright, enough messing around. Time to get serious and fight for what you want/need”
@Wolfgirl23
I heard a speaker on the news this morning say, "We need to differentiate what is important from what is urgent".
With everything racing through your head, I think it's ok to go into limbo for a bit. Maybe take care of some of the urgent stuff and let the other important stuff settle down for a bit while you regroup.
You should be proud of yourself and your lofty goals. Be aware, sometimes it's ok and much needed to go into limbo for a while, you'll come out of it stronger. It sounds like you have a very wise best friend.😊