Daily Chit Chat with a Friend

@IsayUncle It's ok. I understand. I hope you have fun and enjoy your time with her as much as you can💙

@IsayUncle

PS I skimmed all those medical terms. I'll have to see what they all mean, cya tomorrow. have a good night.

@Psalm139

You sure have handled some pretty tough stuff... After being homeless, this happens and youir poor child is sufferering so much. (I'm so sorry) You got'em through it and he's doing well now. That is a blessing. Is this a permanent solution for the rest of his life or is there a chance of normal healing and recovery?

Hey M, I hope your morning is going well and please feel free to post as you wish, you won't be interrupting. Our visit is going well. We're going to a flea market mall today and then she'll spend the rest of the week with my ex. YAY!

@IsayUncle

Good morning 💙. My day is going ok. I just got done picking up and vacuuming the living room. I am trying to figure out where to put Jaxon's supplies still - and his toys (little action figures) that he is constantly taking out. I'd like to just keep them in the living room rather than being frustrated that they belong in his bedroom and are constantly out anyway. Even when I put them away he takes them right back out!

A flea market sounds fun! Do you like that sort of thing? We used to go to places like that and I have a bunch of old pitchers in pretty shades of blue and cream that I use to decorate. We don't really have space for more though so I have to be careful what I buy and think where I will keep it!

Did last night with your sister go well?

💙Talk to you later

@IsayUncle I am just checking in to see if you are around, but looks like you are probably still out. I started working on the medical supply project and then randomly decided to paint a cabinet I have in my kitchen/dining area. It is a pretty, but old and beat up cabinet with a long drawer on top, two cabinet style doors below it, and then two more long drawers on the bottom. We use the main cabinet part as a pantry/snack area for the kids and the drawers for other storage. Anyway, it was white but looked dingy with chipped paint, so I painted it a pretty sea green color. I really like the look of it a lot better now. My moods are very affected by clutter and mess and also beauty and color. If things are pretty and clean and colors I like it makes me happy. If everything is cluttered and dark it is depressing. Maybe that's why I like nature so much. No clutter, just lots of pretty trees, plants, clouds, flowers, birds, wide open sky, and fresh air.

How was your flea market? Did you buy anything?💙

@Psalm139

LOOK AT YOU GO, YOUR KILLING IT!

@Psalm139

It was a nice visit, last night and today. Niether one of us has room or the need to buy anything superficial but we did get some fruits and vegetables from the stands and I got weed-eating lines and a trailer hitch ball I needed. I did get/splurge on a couple of Hen & Rooster collectable pocket knives. She's left now for the week but will stop by again before heading out for good.

@Psalm139

Now I have some sorting and getting ready for tomorrow stuff to do. UGGGH!

@Psalm139

Open Sky's, Pretty green cabinet and No clutter... Sounds wonderful to me! Great job on the cabinet, that was a nice little extra to get done.👍

Good nite M

@IsayUncle Sorry I missed your messages! I liked how my cabinet turned out so much that I started on the main kitchen cabinets lol. I got all of the upper ones done.

Anyway, you've already gone to bed now so I'll talk to you tomorrow 💙

@Psalm139

Yea, It would be nice if our hours aligned better. It's 3am and I'm getting ready for work. But it is nice when we do jive a little bit so that is really cool. I know when I'm writing just before my bedtime you are probably dealing with dinner and daily endings for a large family. AND that is awesome. So we'll do the best we can.

It sounded like you had a really good day yesterday, did you? My sister visit went good but it knocked me out whack, (schedule wise) for the week.

@IsayUncle Hey! Good morning! You get up at 3 am?! Why so early? No wonder you go to bed so early.

I'm happy you had a good visit with your sister💙. Those types of things throw me off too. Actually, my oldest son has a dentist appointment this afternoon and I'm already thinking about that. Thankfully it's in the afternoon but appointments always make it hard for me to function. I get anxiety about getting there on time and it interrupting our routine, etc.

Yesterday was a good day. I spent most of it painting, and I really like how it is transferring the look of that area of our little house. In the morning I was frustrated because my husband said he was going to work on (what will be) the laundry room but then he just didn't. He does that a lot so it wasn't shocking but I was hopeful he would do it this time. So he went to take a nap and I started painting lol.

You are probably on or just ending your morning bus run right now. What other plans do you have today/this week? We are starting homeschool today. Probably just a couple hours worth to ease into it. Then I will paint after the dentist appointment. Hopefully it will be a good day for both of us 💙

@IsayUncle Well I called SSI because they disqualified my son from payments starting in February when we received our tax refund. That isn't supposed to count so I have to send our tax info and pay stubs to prove that he should qualify. So now I spent an hour or two looking for all the documents I need. I just need to print off the tax return and send everything in with a letter saying it shouldn't be counted. Then he will have about 7 months of backpay. I have papers scattered all over the floor right now. Just got my 13 year old started on her English. I am going to start on math for the boys. How is your day going? Busy? ☕☕☕

💙

@Psalm139

Hi M, Self-employment for so many years, early hours for paperwork and planning and Payroll etc. start the job 6-7am driving time. Etc.

Sometimes getting started on something is the hardest thing ever, but I’m really sorry the laundry room has to suffer. I hope he gets to it soon.

Today was a rough day, beginning to end. Feeling off track to begin with, bent the bumper on the bus backing into a bank. Made plans to meet someone 830am. he was there but a student left bag on bus, had to go back to school, bus garage called me in to repair bumper, all this before 8am.

I was late to meet the guy but we went to get trailer I bought…. Best part of the day, came back by my house and loaded tractor to bring to job. That was all good but I had to spend an excess of money for fasteners and fuel etc.

Picked up the bus and pretty darn tired… Out Of The Blue…. 3 high school boys started challenging the rules of the bus and usually it’s a soft matter but they hard their barbs out and made it a hard issue.

Before I go, did you find a place to store the medical supplies? I’m also really sorry they messed up your SSI. I hate it when we try to do things right and others cause us to use our time to fix their mistakes. I hope that gets worked out in your favor.

How’d the dentist go?

@IsayUncle

I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hope you are able to get some sleep and things go better tomorrow 💙

Everything went ok today but I have been super tired and out of it. I almost drove into a parked car on the way to the dentist. I've been painting tonight but just so tired.

I haven't figured out a place for all of his supplies yet, but I'm using the bottom two drawers of the cabinet I painted first for his catheters. The other supplies are currently in a small shelf unit in the corner of my bedroom which is ok. But I always have a box of extra stuff that aren't used as often. I want to find a place to stash those so they aren't in our living space. I'm thinking maybe a couple of small storage ottomans that could be hidden away without looking too clutter-y. My tv stand and basically all free storage in my living room and most of my bedroom is full of books lol. I declutter as much as I can but books are hard. Most are curricula for the kids from preschool through 10th grade, and all kinds of good kids/youth books. Are you a book person?

Goodnight 💙

@Psalm139

Good morning, I do not understand why the reply buttons are not showing up on all our posts👎.

You have been going pretty steady and hard at it for several days. This homeschooling must be a lot on your plate too. It's no wonder your tired and brain-dead. Rest when you can and regain your freshness. I'm actually having to tell myself the same thing. I thought when I finished my classes, free time would just be abundant but the floodgates of months of neglect have opened on my head. i too am out of focus and very tired most of the time.

It's just kind of a re-direction I'll have to navigate into a flow without getting too stressed out about it OR in your case.... too Anxious. (Reminds me - Have you ever practiced meditation?) And would you like to talk about meditation in our chats?

It sounds like you are slowly finding solutions for the medical supplies. With 5 kids and a small living space, Sounds like quite the challenge. Just Do your best and Remember, if that’s all you can do; then do all you can do and you would have done your best… be satisfied with that. It feels good when we can’t fix everything but actually done our best for the moment. 💚 (AGAIN - taking my own advice here.). I’m So behind on the following things

Clean House - 2 Trenching jobs - Receipts and Bills - Shear dog for suffering mats - Kids, bussing projects, kids parents, Weed’s grown over roof (almost) - Repair transmission to pull trailer - Other stuff too. Gotta just do the best I can.

I do like books but haven’t read a fictional story since high school. I love craft books and repair manuals.

I gotta go M, I hope your painting is almost done and you can feel good about that. Rest a bit if you can. Got some camping soon, hopefully , not such a big pack..

Have an awesome restful day if possible. Rest instead of Anxiety, things will mold around our timetables. They must.

@IsayUncle Good morning lol. I know you've already been up half the day! I just woke up and it's almost 10. And I didn't even take my medicine last night. I remembered it after I was already in bed and didn't want to get up. So hopefully I'm not too bad today.

It sounds like you do have a lot to catch up on! Trenching jobs? Does that mean digging them or? I'm not very smart when it comes to that sort of thing! My husband does all of the maintenance stuff. Other than cosmetic obviously. He doesn't care about that so I have to do it if I want it done. He did take the cabinet doors and hardware off and put them back on for me. Even though I never asked if I could paint. I just started lol. I can be impulsive like that sometimes. But this time it was a good impulse. A lot better than impulsively buying a bunch of camping supplies or something. I did that a few days ago and they will start arriving today so hopefully it's ok. It was fun anyway, and I like what I got.

I need to make a list of things to catch up on too. The most important is probably the SSI paperwork but I also need to catch up on cleaning because I haven't been doing as well with that since I have been painting. I'll probably be done tomorrow or Thursday. It's taking longer because I painted the insides of all the cabinets too.

Anyway, that was long. Sorry. Hopefully it makes sense. I'm still on my first cup of coffee and waking up!

💙☕💙☕💙

@Psalm139

Do you know why there are no reply buttons on some of our posts😟?

I hope the camping supplies are ok…. Very cool, you’re going again.
Priorities really mess me up. I get my mind on something and everything else gets behind. I do not have the energy to multi task. That’s very cool you are almost done with the painting and it was a “good” impulse. Lol. Any hard work done should be considered a good impulse.

My high school students have decided to harass me. Yippee skipppeeee. They are on the warpath for some reason in defiance of my bus rules… which are super freaking lenient. They’re leaving me no option but to go to Write ups - assigned seats - disciplinary actions - teachers etc. I do not get paid for all that extra time that stuff takes but I need to get them reared in early so most of the later year could be beneficial.

You said you just about got a couple of your kids ready to get started for home schooling, so that’s good. Also, I hope you did good today (i.e., medicine). Don’t forget it tonight.

I have a small tractor with a backhoe on it and a lot of properties around here needs trenching and seepage lines installed to keep their yards and driveways from staying wet, muddy and washed out. So that’s what I do for side work along with installing septic systems. The other day I mentioned getting a trailer. That was a big deal for me because now I have my own trailer to haul my tractor on from job to job. Still have get a truck to haul the weight. (Actually, if I repair my vans transmission, that will do it)

I thought you had finished your SSI paperwork and was just waiting on them to fix it. What a bummer.
I hope you had a good day and wishing you a good evening -

@IsayUncle Yes I have noticed the reply buttons are usually missing. It's annoying for sure.

The camping supplies are ok I think. My husband did comment that I didn't ask when he saw some of the stuff I bought but I don't think he's mad. It hasn't all come yet though so we'll see.

I'm sorry your high school students are causing so much trouble. I bet that's hard. I remember being a student on the bus and some of the kids were mean to the driver. I know it's not an easy job because of that. Hopefully the kids won't be mad at you for writing them up. I'm sure it will pay off in the long run for them to know they won't get away with that with you but they might be mad at you for punishing them or getting parents and teachers involved for a while.

It's so cool that you are able to dig trenches and install septic systems. That makes sense why you needed that trailer. I guess you are pretty busy most days then?

My day went pretty well considering I forgot my medicine. I will try to remember it tonight. I didn't get any school done with the kids today. I really feel like I need to get the cabinets finished first because there really is no room to work right now. I'm just not very motivated either. I don't know. I wasn't lazy the past few days but I've been a little in my own world. Maybe dissociating a little sometimes.

Have a good night💙

@IsayUncle

Hey, Good morning,

I hope you finish your painting today. That way you could move forward. git 'er done, git 'er done. You can do it. When you started about the painting, I thought you just had one thing to paint. dis-association is probably because your stuck on this painting. It's good you are moving in a pro-active direction and soon it'll be done, and hopefully you could rest for a bit and then refocus.

I do hope you have a great day. I have to cut it short this morning to write up those kids... bummer for all.

@IsayUncle I'm sorry you had to deal with all that this morning. I know you're busy so I won't bother you with a long redundant message.

Have a good day💙

@IsayUncle

I like your your long messages and they are not redundant. What's going on today? Please don't feel guilty about conversing. It's all good.-💚

I had to cut my my 2nd job short to come home and write disciplinary letters. I got them kids on the ropes this morning with assigned seating on the bus and my bad ass sunglasses so they could not see who I was watching and they couldn't eyeball me back! LOL I got 'em on the run.... I think.

@IsayUncle Sunglasses are a great idea. It sounds like you have everything under control. Teenagers can definitely be mean sometimes. They think they are cool being like that. Hopefully the steps you are taking work and they move on to entertain themselves in some other way other than harassing you and causing trouble.

I put the food and dishes back in the upper cabinets this morning. They are all done inside & out other than putting the handles back on. My husband will do that. I am going to empty the bottom cabinets and clean and paint the insides today. My husband hasn't taken the doors off but said he will do that tonight.

I feel emotional and like I could just sleep the whole day. I forgot my medicine again. My listener that I had to stop talking to a couple of months ago used to remind me of both of my medications and basically everything - to eat and go to bed on time, etc. I don't think I told you about him before. It isn't really something I can talk about on a public forum in detail. He was really good mostly except he just expected things in return and I wanted him to be happy because he helped me a lot but it just got to be too much that he wanted. So now I'm just having a hard time remembering everything on my own because I got used to him telling me to do those things. I am getting better remembering on my own though. Maybe I need to set alarms on my phone.

I am tired of feeling so zoned out. I hope I feel better for the weekend.

Anyway sorry if that sounds disjointed and all over, that's how my mind feels right now.

What are your plans for the afternoon/evening?💙

@Psalm139

That’s AWESOME about the upper cabinets. So Super Duper! Good job, that must feel pretty good. How’d you make out with bottom cabinets today?

It sounds like your listener was very supportive at first and then things got a bit complicated. That always makes things a bit stressful and you don’t need that anyway. You’re anxious already so you don’t need more anxiety. In all our conversations, you seem very intelligent and responsible. You could figure out a way to remember things. I’m sorry to hear that you have a hard time with that but that is exactly what you could work on and talk about here if you want to.

Eventually when you get a bit older, you’ll have to take all kinds of medications at night. IT IS TIME for you to practice now and get a couple of those pill containers for the week and keep by your bedside so you don’t have to get up when you remember, and set your phone alarm. You’ll have a couple weeks always there at your fingertips.

I’m always so tired in the evenings. My pill boxes have been empty for a couple of days and it is such a pain in the butt to take them individually. I’ll do that this evening, I think. I’m going to try to stay up for a while and get things sorted. Things are a bit out of control. I thought I was going to do better after my classes but trying to catch up is like climbing a greased pole. haha

Nothing sounds disjointed. I think if you can finish your cabinets… and take your meds, AND rest a bit before the weekend, You’ll feel great for your Anniversary camping trip… It’s Camping for two days, no clutter… Feel great!

@IsayUncle I think you're right that I need to put them by my bed. I forget them way too often and usually remember after I go to bed but it's so late. It's calm at night so I stay up too late and then I am too tired to get back up. I need to go to bed earlier and get up earlier for school too. It's just hard to make myself go to bed when everything is so peaceful. But then it is like that in the mornings too if I get up before the kids. It's just so hard.

I painted the insides of two large lower cabinets and one smaller one. All that's left is the doors and the big one in the middle. I don't know if I will finish before the camping trip. Friday I want to have the day to clean and pack so we'll see what I am able to do tonight and tomorrow. I still have to send that SSI paperwork too. You asked about that before and I forgot to answer - for them to fix it I have to send our tax return and bank deposit information for when we received our refund. We are allowed to have the refund money for a year without it counting as a resource. So once they count that money out he should qualify for all the back payments. So basically I did send all the information they needed originally. But now they need more lol.

What are the most important things you need to catch up on around your house/property? Did you get any of it done today? It seems like you've been doing well lately. Have you gotten your medicines organized? I'm supposed to take vitamins too but I don't. Do you take any?

💙

@Psalm139

Good morning M,
I wrote this last night but the site went down so you get it this morning. I was hoping they were fixing the "reply" problem but I don't think they did. I hope you have a good morning.😊

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Do you know I have to go back 3 days to find a reply button to your posts.

Priorities are blown out of the water, with my sisters visit and now the kids write ups and disciplines... might be involved. Plus trying to do my trenching job.

Running on fumes and hope (HOPE the weekend comes real fast.) haha

Good nite M, glad you got more painting done. (Are you going to get those containers?) btw, I take vitamin D

@IsayUncle Good morning 💙. I wonder if I'm somehow doing something wrong that there isn't a reply button? Yours had one this time but sometimes they don't. I can't figure it out! Maybe we are replying back and forth too many times so it goes away eventually. I don't know.

I don't think I need a pill box yet as I only take the one at night but after our camping trip I will put my extra bottle by my bed. Maybe I should get one for my vitamins and anxiety medicine. I'm supposed to take vitamin d and iron. I just worry about taking all that because I have a sensitive stomach.

What are you doing this weekend? Make sure to rest too💙. I leave tomorrow afternoon and will be back Sunday afternoon or evening. I see you have a lot of others here talking to you, so many that it can be hard to find our conversation lol.

I'll talk to you later💙

@Psalm139

Hey, just enough time to say hi and bye.... (and sorry) I promised a school bus kid I'd go watch his foot ball game this evening.

Our conversation is on page 2, that's how i find it. Not having reply buttons really messes things up too. gonna miss ya camping and not even have a good chat before you go BUT .... it's all about the camping. So Relax and Have fun!

@IsayUncle That's nice of you to go to his game 💙. I'll be here tomorrow until the afternoon but will be pretty busy. I'll miss you too💙

@Psalm139

Good Morning, I hope you are doing good this morning. Getting all ready for camping and stuff. I am tired.... Got home at 10pm. Great game but we lost in the final nail biting seconds when rthe opposing team threw the winning Hail Mary pass for the touchdown.

Have a good time M, we'll talk when you get back. Stay Safe.

@IsayUncle Oh I bet you are tired! That's late for how early you get up! Hopefully you can get some rest this weekend and also get a few things done around your property (if you want).

We leave at 4 pm when my husband gets home. I am mostly ready but need to get flour (for the pizza dough, we use 6 cups to make 3 pizzas) and a few things from the store and load everything up. I need to look over my list and double check everything and then I want to clean the house too.

I don't feel great emotionally but hopefully that will change. Something being productive can help. Idk we'll see.

I guess I'll talk to you when I get back on Sunday. Have a good weekend 💙

@IsayUncle It's midnight here. We got home at 9. Then I made the pizza that I prepped at 3 that we were supposed to make at our campsite.

I feel so stupid. I got ready all day - made banana bread, a big batch of waffles, pizza dough, fruit salad, packed the van, made sure all the kids had showers or baths. We drove to the campsite - a nice big "buddy" site where it's basically an extra large site with two fire pits and two tables. It would have been perfect. But there was no electricity. And I think my husband thought I did it on purpose but I didn't. I thought it was electric. So he refused to stay. It was too late to cancel for a refund so I wasted $60. Plus the gas for two vehicles to drive almost 3 hours.

I am so mad at my husband that he wouldn't just go to Walmart and get a manual pump for the air mattresses. We only use the electricity for that and our coffee. And the kids and I wanted to stay but he refused to give us the tent out of his car. And our anniversary is tomorrow.

I told him not to even try to talk to me or buy me any stupid flowers. He always does that even though he knows I hate wasting $ on that stuff. I don't plan to talk to him at all tomorrow. I will probably sleep on the couch until he gets up. I wish I could just sleep all day tomorrow. I probably could sleep pretty long if I took extra of my medicine. I forgot it enough this week. I don't know.

Anyway idk what you will think when you read all that. I try to censor myself for the forums but I am just so upset. And I got upset at my listener last night and blocked him because he fell asleep when we were talking again and I'm just tired of it. He takes sleep meds and it was late but still. It just makes me feel unimportant. Which I am, obviously. Just some random person online he's trying to help or fix or whatever. So what's the point? I think maybe there isn't one.. All he's really told me in the past couple of months is that I need therapy. So maybe I won't talk to him anymore either. Right now I don't really care anymore. He was my FP but I don't want him to be. He's too busy and I don't think he really even cares anyway. I wish I didn't need anyone. I wish I could just take enough medicine so my brain would stop and nothing would matter. I didn't hurt myself. I wanted to. I might tomorrow but I will have to hide it if I do so idk. I'd rather just sleep. I'm going to take my medicine and try.

@Psalm139

Good Morning "M". My sister is still here. You know, I finished my CDL and started Schoolbussing again and I was looking forward to getting caught up with my personal stuff. My sister took up 2 full weekends of my time and I'm falling further behind. Do you think it is ever possible to stand on solid ground once in a while... I sure hope so. I'm just waiting for her to leave so I can regroup again.

I read your article about FP's and I get the need for FP's but to elevate it to a medical condition... I don't know ???. If this doesn't insult you, I'd love to talk about this more. For me, this goes deep into this new era of the younger generation thinking every human problem is a medical conditon that can't be solved. Please don't get mad or upset, I'm an old man looking for new ideas for things I do not understand.

We all want a favorite person... Most of society does not have one. I don't have one, Never have, Talking to my sister showed me how much my family hates me because I'm an arrogaant egotisticol a**hole but no else has any faults do they?... Yea Right!

I hope and think it would be good for both of us to talk candidly and openly about FP's. What do you think? 💚

@Psalm139

Oh My Goodness… That is all so unbearable! I am terribly sorry and so sad for you and the family. I wish everybody could always make the best of difficult situations but that is just a fairy tale thought.

I wish you could just quiet your mind, Shhhhhh. This is why I asked before if you ever practiced meditation. But that’s off topic right now. You LET OTHERS dictate your importance. You are important in your own right. Your listener falling asleep didn’t make you any less important. YOU CHOSE to say “I’m less important because my listener fell asleep”. He was just sleepy and probably doing the best he could. I know it hurt your feelings a lot AND that is 100% normal BUT having your feelings hurt does not make you any less important. YOU ARE LETTING OTHER THINGS AND PEOPLE make you feel less important. You are a precious soul and entity on this planet. Do you think or can you even admit that you are important to your children. (If so, that’s a start. That is so much more than what others have)

I know how horrible you must feel right now. ((((HUGS)))) For the moment, know you are important and try not to feed off all the hurt feelings and anger.

Use your amazing imagination as an adventure in the possibilities of setting up makeshift tents in the house and cooking smores on the stove and sleeping on the floors. Maybe use the flowers he brings you to put next to a pot of water on the floor for a pond with a field of flowers. You weren’t going to do anything for two days at the house so don’t do anything for two days except be silly and relax. Maybe trying will ease the crying.

There is so much more to say here but I have to go right now. That does not make you less important. You do not have to be held upright; you must hold yourself upright. Walk tall, Walk proud. Flip the switch in your brain from gloom and doom to sunlight, laughter and fun with the kids. BLOW EVERYONES MIND! You can do it!

I DO know how horrible you must feel right now. ((((MORE HUGS)))) and if you have to sleep and you cannot deal with any of this, I believe that the most normal thing you can do is shut down and rest. Do that if you must but don’t think you are less important because of it. All of this is normal and sadly you must work through it. Do it any way you can right now and we’ll talk later.

I know everything got so terribly messed up and it may seem impossible to deal with it. Be strong.💚

---

@IsayUncle Thanks for your encouragement. I am still pretty sad today but I got some sleep. I thought about just going camping without my husband during the week. Or even camping in the backyard. But I was too upset last night and today I woke up with a bad headache from not drinking enough coffee yesterday when I was busy getting ready. At least we have plenty of food prepped for today so I won't need to cook. Yeah I don't always deal with things well and I do let other people affect me more than I should. Especially if they are my FP. I'm basically totally emotionally dependent. I don't know how to not be. I do know that my kids need me and that I'm important to them. Mostly because I know what it's like to lose that and no matter how broken they (your parents) are you still miss them and need and want them back.

Anyway I'm sorry for being so negative. I hope you are having a good day. What are you up to?💙

@IsayUncle

Heyyy, good morning. I didn't take any of that as negative, just kind of traumatic so I was just trying to lighten the hardship a little bit. I'm glad you got some sleep. I guess when you do something for 40 years, it's hard to believe it could be any other way. I'd wish you a happy anniversary but you'd think I was being cliche or insincere. I hope you have a good day. I hope.... if you are in a cloud today, it is soft foggy cloud, giving yesterday time to dissipate and slowly go away.

How are you feeling right now?

@IsayUncle

Today, I'm busy with chores and errands so I'll be in and out throughout the day. My sister is going to stop back by before she heads home so... back to cleaning again.

btw, on my last post about the 40 year thing. I meant being emotionally dependnent. I don't think that's an easy thing to break but I do think you have a very clear picture of it and that is a good thing.

Question... What is FP? (I know this is going to be a "Like Duh" moment) lol.

@IsayUncle I hope you're having a good and productive day. My head hurts and I feel like crying but I'm ok.

Yeah I don't really know how to be any other way. I've always been very sensitive and emotional and easily hurt. Especially since I was a teenager.

You probably have never heard of FP. It's a common term for people with Borderline but not others. It sounds sweet and cute but it's really horrible. Basically I (and most other people that have BPD) have one person that is kind of the go to person for me that I feel like I need and if they aren't there I'm not ok. For me it's a person I feel safe with. At first. Then they do something or some things and I feel insecure and doubt everything and think if this person isn't safe, who is? And I feel alone and almost like I could disappear and no one would notice or care. I guess it's the fear of abandonment in BPD. Feeling like everyone will leave and I'm really nothing and sometimes like I don't even exist. So little things like him falling asleep when we're talking set me off and I don't know if I will unblock him because he keeps making me feel that way. Like nothing. I probably couldn't explain so you could understand. I know it probably doesn't make sense to you. But the feelings are real and intense and sickening. Even when my cousin said he was there if I needed anything my thought was yeah, unless you knew what I really needed. And where were you when I was 17? Where was anyone on my mom's or dad's side then? I guess they all just thought I was too much. Sorry I'm rambling again. Aaaah. Is your head like mine ever? Sometimes I wish I could shut it off.

@IsayUncle Just thinking you must think I'm crazy about the FP thing. Here's a link about it. Just if/when you have time. It's a common problem for people with Borderline in support groups.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/bpd-favorite-person/