Feeling Pathetic
I’ve posted something like this before. I’ll tread carefully because it’s not something that 7 cups would be ok with details being shared. I have a pretty shameful feeling about my body and sex. It started when I was a kid growing up smaller than other boys by a considerable amount and I got a bit bigger and almost caught up with everyone by high school but I still felt small. This meant more relating to sex at that point. I had a several first experiences with girls I was dating who cheated on me and spread rumors about my body and I felt this ghost of judgement. Like who else knows? What do they know? Do they believe them? I still live inside of this paranoia and sex is both a disappointment and an obsession and I feel like a loser because of it. Is it normal for men to have gone through this? What would have been an appt way to react? Why did no one step in? How do I reconcile becoming a masculine confident adult with all of this embarrassment? Like I imagine how fulfilling life could have been if I was a taller and bigger person when dating one of those girls who i thought was really special. But instead I feel pathetic because I’m not really a man. The story(my life) feels like it’s already thrown so off course and I have no control over the narrative. I wish I could start over.
@aquaSpruce8551 hey man, these women are sick. like, with this lifestyle they will only get these kind of people, and guess what? they will get in serious trouble one day.
talking about sex I don't have an opinion about it, since as I'm still virgin, but I'm sure the problem is not you.
I recommend you to try to go to some therapy, since this looks like to be a big problem for you, buddy. stay safe!
@exhaustedmind1 I mean fair enough. I think they were immature but I’m still sort of holding onto the notion that parts of my body are bad and indicate incapability outside of their opinion. Their opinion really made that notion tangible and in the case of one of these girls (to be fair we were both 18 at the time) she seemed really torn in how she knew leaving or suggesting changes in our sex life would make me feel and didn’t want to hurt me but was sort of stuck between that and wanting the relationship she wanted. I totally agreed with her in wanting that relationship and I guess fine she left looking for it. But you know… I want that too. It’s tough to know your body incapable of having that. And that even just to get to “normal” or “baseline” as I’ve been describing it, I have to compensate in some other way. That’s a tough way to grow up and have follow you into adulthood.
@aquaSpruce8551
It sounds it must be really hard to cope with someone else's (maybe not too realistic?) ideas and feel the pressure to "show off" or "act like a man", especially when you are on your natural way of trying to understand your own body and discovering your sexuality.
@aquaSpruce8551
There is a line in "Top Gun: Maverick" saying something like: "It's the man, not the machine". I think it can be kind of relatable here. Everybody has his hardware (body) and software (mind). I think the latter is often much more important - what kind of person you are, can you be tender or delicate, inventive or well organized, and some women still prefer men who listen and care, 'cause you are not a thing.
There are people who do great things with average hardware and good software, and people who act mediocre with good hardware, but using bad software. Think for example of Dustin Hoffman, Danny De Vito or Tome Cruise: who cares they are not very tall?
And maybe we sometimes tend to underestimate what we got?
@aquaSpruce8551
Obviously, it doesn't mean any invalidating of your feelings. Sorry if that sounded so. You have the right to feel like you feel.
What if everything was alright with you, and you have just met "a rotten apple" (like one of the ladies here gracefully expressed it). Would you like to measure your value with behaviour of a thoroughly unfair person who cheated on you and was spreading gossips about you?
@jacek73
ya I mean see above. I hear what you’re saying. This sort of thing, as a man, who hopes to be in a challenging and growing relationship where I sort of fit the type of person I want to be, it sucks to feel like this thing about my body, and knowing how much it’s shaped my mind, is something I have to compensate for to reach some sort of “baseline” or “normal”. It feels like something is inherently wrong about me and who I want to be is unattainable
@aquaSpruce8551
What makes you think you would like to be someone else rather than being truly yourself?
@jacek73
Because the way I am feels small weak and incapable. And I feel both ashamed that it consumes me so much and also trapped in the reality of why it’s so consuming
@aquaSpruce8551
Sounds like some vicious circle...
Do you think there is any way out of this way of thinking?
I guess you see some strong points in your body, emotions and brains? What comes to your mind when somebody asks you for the things that could make you liked or admired? Do you think you should somehow deserve to be loved? Not worth of being loved with no special reason?
I think it is actually not possible to not have any strengths, because they are interconnected with our weaknesses, for example: if you are "messy" or "nervous", you can also be regarded as "spontaneous" or "sensitive", and if you are "well-organized" or "well-disciplined", you can also be "boring" or "not flexible".
@aquaSpruce8551
Hey I've struggled with feeling like this in the past so let me share some thoughts that I hope can help. Here's my short list of things to work on:
- Start by realizing that some people in your life are making you feel this way through intentional and conscious effort
- Learn to recognize how your own words and actions impact others around you
- Learn to behave in ways which are uplifting to those around you (eg. well-timed compliments, remembering birthdays and important dates, thoughtful gifts, etc)
- Learn to recognize behaviors in other people which are uplifting to you
- Build relationships with people who are trying to behave in ways that are uplifting to you
- Communicate about what behaviors are uplifting/not uplifting to you
- ???
profit
Good luck my anonymous fren.
