i need help..
hi!! I'm lesbian and I've known deep down for a while...I use she/her pronouns FYI and I've been finding it hard to come to terms with who I am and accepting what I am. I have so much internal homophobia and hate built up in me from when I was younger. I was always taught the LGBTQ+ is a sin and same-sex relationships are a big fat no. I've tried so hard to deny my feelings and who I am. I tried conversion, went through denial, dated guys who would ask me out or show any interest in me romantically to cover up my homosexuality, even isolated myself as punishment till I could get it into my head that somewhere deep down I'm straight. Nothing worked. I hate to say it but I can't run away from my identity forever...
I'm still closeted but I've stopped dating guys as a cover, I've tried to come to terms with my identity but it's agonizingly difficult to accept a part of me i was taught to resent. I can't even say the word gay or lesbian out loud without flinching. Any advice on how I can help myself accept? because I swear to god I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what else to do...
Hi,do you still live with those people or around them who have that opinion and whom you were listening it from over the years?
@EllieElle
I've never been one to have too many friends in general, actually, I only have one best friend and I don't have the courage to tell her because if she doesn't accept I'm left completely alone. I still live with my parents unfortunately who I have quite an unhealthy relationship. whenever anything LGBTQ is related or when we see a same-sex relationship on media, it's always followed with rude comments or disgusted faces from my parents. It's basically shoved in my face which feeds my inner homophobia and i just don't know how to save myself
I completely understand. Try to somehow question her about these things but in a not direct way and see how she reacts,for example scrolling through news feed and showing her some video or story about the topic. Have in mind that family sometimes can have double standards - reacting differently when it's about their own member@when it happens to them. And as soon as you have the chance,try to go on your own,change the surrounding,you will be amazed what wonders can that do. You are wonderful as you are & there's absolutely nothing disgusting or wrong with you!
@slytherinluvbot
thanks for your post. Rewiring our automatic and learned (or socially-taught) responses is hard, and you described yours so eloquently. It sounds like coming to terms is taking a lot of energy, and it's a real struggle to swim against the current, so to speak, so I want to recognize the efforts you are so clearly making. Accepting your true self is a process. You're unlearning however many years of social conditioning, and that didn't happen overnight. Likewise, unwinding all those "cords" that society wrapped around you is going to take time. Be gentle with yourself and recognizing that you're patiently sloughing off years of social conditioning to reveal the beautiful butterfly that you are inside. :)
I like the first response from @EllieElle. Perhaps removing yourself as much as you can from the people who have negative opinions of homosexuality would be an excellent first step. Finding your community around you is going to be a bit more challenging, what with social distancing etc. but online communities can help as well. People on 7Cups are generally very kindhearted and welcoming.
