Could I possibly be a lesbian?
I've been questioning for a year now. A few months after that i identified as Bisexual and that used to feel right to me. But I've been questioning again since the last 3 months or so because neither the "bi" nor the "sexual" feels right anymore. I'm almost sure I'm gray asexual. But I've been confused forever... because i know I'm Alloromantic(I do feel romantic attraction) but i don't understand whether I'm biromantic or homoromantic.
I've had crushes on guys before, but I've not had a real crush on a guy since a little more than two years. Then I've gone a whole year without having a crush on any one. Guys stopped appealing to me, and i hadn't yet had a crush on a girl. And when i started liking my first girl crush, that was all so sweet and warm and.. just nice , you know? She was so warm when she smiled, i wanted to be around her all the time. And I'd feel that nagging hurt when she was more herself with her other girl friends than she was with me. I wondered why she couldn't be so free with me.
There was so much hurt and anger and sorrow when i learnt she committed suicide. My heart still aches when i think of that sometimes. Just endless Days of sobbing and doing nothing.
And in the last one year or so, I've only had crushes on girls. I feel more drawn to girls than I've ever felt in my life. Girls are the only people I feel drawn to, actually. Around me, while watching movies and web series.. gawd. I've been having serious trouble imagining myself with a guy. I did have a phase last year where I liked a guy, but that was more aesthetic and platonic than romantic or sexual. Nowhere close to sexual even though he was good looking and stuff. And even if i liked him, the thought of being with him in any way that was more than platonic made me really uncomfortable and panicky kind of.
When i think of myself being sexually involved with a guy, it literally makes me uncomfortable and weird and kind of sick. Romantically.... it's bearable, but it's still really confusing and awkward.
The thought of being in a romantic relationship with a girl feels pleasantly good, and anything sexual is.. bearable. Maybe I'd try something out of curiosity or the need for intimacy, I don't know. I guess I'm a sex positive or sex indifferent gray ace. I've been with a girl once, it was all really sweet and pleasant. I loved being hers. I'd fall for her all over again every time she smiled at me after we kissed. We've shared a few intimate moments, although we didn't "do it", and i liked whatever we did, as such, although i was more romantically attracted to her than sexually. And i was so devastated when she broke up. I can't believe i could feel so deeply for anyone.
When I see lesbians, I feel like I wanna be one. A few days back one of my good girl friends was like, You're a lesbian, aren't you? And idkomgwow that felt good to hear although i had to tell her I wasn't sure.
Idk, being considered a lesbian is a matter of pride for me i guess.
But I'm not sure at all. Mostly because of my history of having liked guys when i was younger. I'm 16, almost 17, and my guy phase or whatever ended around my 15th birthday. And I have serious trouble understanding what's happening to me. And I probably wasn't sexually attracted to them, just romantically, I guess.
Could I possibly be a lesbian? Is it okay to identify as one if I'm not sure? Is it okay to identity as one with all that history? Is it okay to change my labels so many times?