Could I possibly be a lesbian?
I've been questioning for a year now. A few months after that i identified as Bisexual and that used to feel right to me. But I've been questioning again since the last 3 months or so because neither the "bi" nor the "sexual" feels right anymore. I'm almost sure I'm gray asexual. But I've been confused forever... because i know I'm Alloromantic(I do feel romantic attraction) but i don't understand whether I'm biromantic or homoromantic.
I've had crushes on guys before, but I've not had a real crush on a guy since a little more than two years. Then I've gone a whole year without having a crush on any one. Guys stopped appealing to me, and i hadn't yet had a crush on a girl. And when i started liking my first girl crush, that was all so sweet and warm and.. just nice , you know? She was so warm when she smiled, i wanted to be around her all the time. And I'd feel that nagging hurt when she was more herself with her other girl friends than she was with me. I wondered why she couldn't be so free with me.
There was so much hurt and anger and sorrow when i learnt she committed suicide. My heart still aches when i think of that sometimes. Just endless Days of sobbing and doing nothing.
And in the last one year or so, I've only had crushes on girls. I feel more drawn to girls than I've ever felt in my life. Girls are the only people I feel drawn to, actually. Around me, while watching movies and web series.. gawd. I've been having serious trouble imagining myself with a guy. I did have a phase last year where I liked a guy, but that was more aesthetic and platonic than romantic or sexual. Nowhere close to sexual even though he was good looking and stuff. And even if i liked him, the thought of being with him in any way that was more than platonic made me really uncomfortable and panicky kind of.
When i think of myself being sexually involved with a guy, it literally makes me uncomfortable and weird and kind of sick. Romantically.... it's bearable, but it's still really confusing and awkward.
The thought of being in a romantic relationship with a girl feels pleasantly good, and anything sexual is.. bearable. Maybe I'd try something out of curiosity or the need for intimacy, I don't know. I guess I'm a sex positive or sex indifferent gray ace. I've been with a girl once, it was all really sweet and pleasant. I loved being hers. I'd fall for her all over again every time she smiled at me after we kissed. We've shared a few intimate moments, although we didn't "do it", and i liked whatever we did, as such, although i was more romantically attracted to her than sexually. And i was so devastated when she broke up. I can't believe i could feel so deeply for anyone.
When I see lesbians, I feel like I wanna be one. A few days back one of my good girl friends was like, You're a lesbian, aren't you? And idkomgwow that felt good to hear although i had to tell her I wasn't sure.
Idk, being considered a lesbian is a matter of pride for me i guess.
But I'm not sure at all. Mostly because of my history of having liked guys when i was younger. I'm 16, almost 17, and my guy phase or whatever ended around my 15th birthday. And I have serious trouble understanding what's happening to me. And I probably wasn't sexually attracted to them, just romantically, I guess.
Could I possibly be a lesbian? Is it okay to identify as one if I'm not sure? Is it okay to identity as one with all that history? Is it okay to change my labels so many times?
@NotFrostButAPoet I'm extremely sorry for your loss. It can be very difficult and confusing when we question who we are attracted to and what labels describe our feelings the best. It can be really frustrating to question things like this. And I really hope you are able to figure things out and even if you don't find a perfect label, your sexual orientation and romantic orientation are very much valid.
It is okay to identify as a lesbian or any other label you're comfortable with even if you are not sure. It is okay to identify with a label that suits you best on the basis of who you are attracted to right now. And it is completely okay to change labels. And it is okay to not be sure and experiment with labels. We respect, support and accept you regardless of these things. Hope this helps, I wish you the very best, take care!
@Jennifer164 Thank you very much.
Yes, it has been confusing and frustrating, almost saddening. Yeah, I'm trying.
Thank for answering all my doubts and questions so kindly. I guess I really needed to hear that. Thank you again. For everything. :)
@NotFrostButAPoet It is my pleasure! Hope it gets better soon, take care!
@NotFrostButAPoet
I'm sorry she commited Self Murder. My deepest Condolences. It's always cool to see someone from the LGBTQ fam though.
@BubbleBread yeah well. Idk how to respond to condolences. Thank you?
And thank you again. :")
@NotFrostButAPoet
Hi, I'm sorry for your loss.
I also am questioning my sexuality. I can see myself enjoying cuddling with guys, but anything more makes me feel nauseous or repulsed, like what you described. I love that warm feeling when your crush smiles <3. I can see myself with grils more than with guys. I think I'm a bi-romantic lesbian, though I'm not sure if both of those labels contradict each other. I doubt any of this helped you, but good luck! You got this!! <3
@redBranch9557 Hey, thank you for replying to my post and sharing your feelings. I understand you. Good luck figuring yourself out!
And yeah, I mean no hate or harm, but they do contradict each other, most lesbians feel that being a lesbian is about not making yourself available to men. Anyway, you do whatever you feel like. Good luck! Thank you. :)