Why can't I accept "trans"?
Hello! I'm Io, nonbinary femme in need of education and help with acceptance.
I have been enby for 7 years but I've only come to terms with it being in the umbrella spectrum of trans since my wife transitioned last year.
Before her transition I would have no thoughts about the trans community but after she came out ... it went down hill. I hated that she wasn't my "husband" and that she changed. It was like she died, even though she was standing in front of me. She looked different, sounded different.. even SMELLED different.. and I resented her for killing my spouse.
I would see the hate and evil intentions directed at the trans community and get so scared for her, I'd never let her out of my sight. And then it all went to ***.. she started dating (enm) another trans woman and they would exclude me from every topic, every conversation. Everything just became trans. And I was left feeling lost, excluded by my own community, and different. I wasnt the same type of trans as my wife or the people she started surrounding herself with... and it hurt.
So of course, I deepdived. I tried different lgbtq apps to make connections. But I got the same results. "T4T only, transfems only, if you are cis - die, & enby isn't trans" I slowly started to hate the trans community. Every time I'd look for videos on the community for help, I'd see more hate. I just recently saw two different lives on *** that said "trans women are better than women" ...
I thought this was a community of acceptance and love, but I keep seeing more of an exclusionary hate group. I want to love my community and make connections, but how can I do that if there is hate? I don't want to be an abilest to discrimination.
Please educate me on the good side of the trans community and help me find acceptance in myself and the lgbtqia+.
@IoAndromeda Please excuse my exclusionist neighbors. They just wanna define the community with rigid boxes when the whole point is to abolish these. It's unfortunate that you have been excluded like this. I came out to my family as non-binary last month, and they just basically said I couldn't POSSIBLY be that and they just kinda took it as a joke from then on. I personally don't understand why people feel they have to be so hateful, like what did they do to you? I suggest talking to your wife about your concerns.
@Ash572
I've brought them up to her before, and she started using more broad spectrum terms during conversation. But in the downside, in the dmv, the culture of the community is to segregate.
@IoAndromeda There is no segregation, it's just that some people in the community are overly hateful and the rest aren't. A few rotten apples don't ruin the whole batch, but I do see how it would make the rest of the batch look rotten as well!
@IoAndromeda
It sounds like your experiences with your spouse have strongly coloured your thoughts and feelings only to be further magnified by those who would gatekeep about what is or isn't trans enough.
While it can be easy to conflate the behavior of some to the entirety of their identity. Those behaviours you list aren't things that make someone "trans", those may be the behaviours of a portion of the community but they aren't the identity. Perhaps taking a step back from those individuals and looking back at what the identity and umbrella is, can help you to move from hating the umbrella, and into disliking the behaviour of some individuals who happen to fall under that umbrella and try to use the umbrella as a weapon almost?
Overall it sounds like what you hate are individual social behaviors, exclusionary behaviors, and gatekeeping, not being trans. I hope that makes sense and can help you move forward.