I just want to get something off my chest and I have a question about it
I have had many conversations with my boyfriend about my sexuality and what we wanted to do. Stay together or not and long story short I'm unhappy at my house(s) because my family is not really like a "family". Everyone is distant and I feel like I have to watch everything I do or someone will get upset over small things... so I live with my boyfriend and if we broke up I would have to move to a family's house where they are also not accepting of queerness if I were to come out to them. I hate the word "phase" because it seems invalidating but Idk if it's just me. Ever since I came out to myself and my bf I saw people differently. I started thinking about my crushes like actual ones not ones I forced myself to like and it scares me bc I'm so excited to date, flirt or just express myself so proudly that I am queer and I want to date a woman. I've talked to my bf about all this and we talked about our boundaries and things he's comfortable with and basically he said he's fine with me watching cam girls and porn and I felt like that was enough for me too but if it's not I'm so so scared of leaving him I feel like it would be ripping a part of me away because we've been together for four years and we are so close. Is this just what happens after coming out to yourself? Being excited and wanting to date and explore? Does it go away? Also if there is any advice on how to cope with a, what will be, an emotionally traumatic break up while being queer in a non accepting household?
Hello there!! First of all, I'm sorry you are going through a tough time. At the same time, I'm happy you came out to yourself and that you could trust your bf enough to talk to him about it. I understand the situation you are in is complicated. Since you ask for advice, here's how I see it:
a) It seems you and your bf do care and trust each other, since you seem to have a safe space to talk about this with him. Is there any chance your romantic relationship can turn into a friendship and that you can be roommates for a while?
b) Since you already left your family's house, I take it you already work and have the means to look after yourself. If that's the case, and tying with point a, is there any chance of you continue to live with your bf for a little while longer while you look for a housing option you can afford?
c) If point b is not an option, do you have any other friends or relatives you could crash with for a while, again while looking for an affordable place of your own? You could even ask within your trusted social circle if they or anyone they know is looking for a roommate (if they are queerfriendly, so you can be safe sharing a space with them).
d) Have you sought for NGOs or other institutions in your area that provide support for queer people? I have heard of some that even help people find housing within their means. Google can be of great help for this!
e) Yes, after coming out to yourself (the most important coming out in my opinion... and for some, as yours truly, the most difficult as well) you will feel a sense of freedom and will start to allow yourself to contemplate new possobilities and exciting scenarios such as going out with women, in your case. Accepting who you are and what you feel opens up the floodgates of your true self and helps remove the judgement and perhaps internalized prejudices and rejections you may have taken from your environment growing up (warning though, they don't just disappear and may even come back later on). Allowing yourself to truly express who you are will make you feel overeager to experience those things you internally wanted and needed. Just be careful as you would with any other relationship, it is always wise to look for a security net before taking a leap.
I hope this helps you, if even just a little. Remember you deserve love and happiness, and in that note, I send you love and my best wishes for finding a solution that works for you.
Cherry đź’®
Thank you for such a thoughtful response and I will look into NGOs. So far we are now roommates and friends and I plan to financially support myself and figure out a place to stay. The conversations I had with him were difficult but yea that's where we are now. I'm also glad to hear your point of view on how it feels to come out to myself because that is how I feel.
