Trouble in paradise
Hello,
Im trans and my partners first non cis partner. We’ve been married 6 years and see eye to eye on a lot, except intimacy. This wasn’t always like this, the first year was amazing and she even initiated it more than me. Since we’ve gotten married we have less and less sex, even minimal kissing. For me sex isn’t just the quick act of, it’s a deeper emotional connection that I’m missing. I’ve talked to her about it and she’s currently in therapy. Some years we don’t have sex at all, other years we have 1-4 times but you can tell when they’re not really wanting to. I think the last few years she has had sex just because she knows I need it and she feels guilty. She recently has said she doesn’t know if she’ll ever want sex again and is working to figure out what her wants and boundaries are. She is always more than happy to cuddle and hold hands but once I kiss her too long, too much or too often then she’ll stop me. And of course whenever I try to make moves or hint at sex she’ll 90% of the time stop me. I go in waves of taking it personal like but she says she just never has had a sex drive and only has had sex in past relationships out of obligation. I’m not sure what to do if she says she is ace sex repulsed. It’s such a gut punch even when we’re out at about (no plausible way of it meaning or leading to sex) and she steps away from me or says no thank you when I’m kissing her. She’s my best friend and we match in every other way religion, money, family views etc.
Advice?
@emotionalBranch5559
It can certainly be difficult when our need for physical intimacy (in any form) doesn't match that of our partner, especially in an established relationship where it has in the past. There are many reasons a person's desire for contact can change, though I get the sense that perhaps for your partner it hasn't changed so much as they've felt safe acknowledging their own level of desire instead of fulfilling what they felt they had to.
Some people who identify as asexual will also be I guess you could call it "asensual" - so even things like kissing are not something they enjoy. It's often not about it 'leading to sex'. Unfortunately for many sensual attraction, sexual attraction and romantic attraction are perceived as being the same thing, but they really are three separate aspects of attraction, which for many if not most people occur congruently. But often this understanding is more easily established and communicated prior to a relationship than after the fact, if only because of situations like the one you have found yourself in.
It sounds like you are doing your best to try to understand your partner, but at the same time are feeling there are, not necessarily expectations but things you believed about your relationship that may not be the case given this new information.
While I cannot give any advice perhaps the following questions may be worth exploring.
- If your partner were to say they identify as asexual and sex repulsed, what would that mean for you? What would you want to have happen?
- Are there other ways that you could explore having a deep emotional connection with your partner? What types of conditions do you find lead to that emotional intimacy?