I'm stuck. Should I try to look like a woman or let people think I'm a man?
I've lived as a transgender man for a decade. It made me more confident and comfortable being in public. But something felt off the whole time, and I realize that I actually feel like a woman. I feel like I'm hiding behind a male persona.
I'm trying to figure out what happened, and I'm thinking maybe I didn't have the courage to be a masculine woman because I thought people would disapprove of me. I had experiences as a child in which people seemed to reject my natural masculinity. Plus, if I looked like a woman dressed like a man, people would assume I was a lesbian and might have a problem with that.
I took testosterone for about five years. It has made my voice androgynous. I have facial hair. I can no longer be perceived as a woman dressed like a man. If I want to be perceived as a woman again, I will have to grow my hair out and/or wear stereotypical women's clothing.
I'm very afraid of doing either and don't know if I even want to. I hate women's clothing, and so many people have accepted me as a transgender man. If I reveal that I actually feel like a woman, it will lead them to question other transgender people and possibly take me less seriously when I announce that I feel any other way.
I might not even like being perceived as a woman even though I feel like one. Men might hit on me, people in general might take me less seriously, they might judge me for being assertive, and I'll be less safe. What will happen if I detransition, don't like it, and go right back to looking like a man? Will people think I'm emotionally unstable?
My boss knows I'm transgender and called me a young man just the other day. It made me feel good because I knew she was respecting my feelings. And it made me not want to detransition because it might weird her out and lead her to question other transgender people.
What I want from detransitioning is to see how I feel when people perceive me as female now that I'm more mature. I don't know how it will make me feel. It might make me feel awful. I don't know if it's even worth the trouble.
Your post started off with the strong sense that you still feel like you are wearing a mask. That you are considering detransitioning because you still feel like a women. Talking to a specialised therapist might help you determine if you *want* to feel like a women. You were raised as one, after all, so that will always be an undeniable piece of you, the kid you, who wasn't raised as a little boy during your formulative years. A therapist discussion. On top of, you have a bunch of insecurities around being a women, that being a man avoids.
Consider this: you said, "My boss knows I'm transgender and called me a young man just the other day. It made me feel good because I knew she was respecting my feelings." Because I knew she was respecting my feelings. I read your post as you just wanting people to respect you. I mean, period. You wanted your parents to respect you when you said you didn't want to be traditionally feminine, and you got rejected, by people with authority over you. You find being a man appealing because people give due respect to men, men are not as easily dismissible as women. Being a masculine women was out of the question because you didn't want people to disapprove of you. You don't want others to assume you are a lesbian because you don't want them to disapprove of you. You don't want to try detransitioning because you don't want to seem wishy-washy to your boss.
I think you are still stuck on your feelings, not your wants, and your feelings are largely external-based. You feel like a women still, but do you actually want to be a woman? "What I want from detransitioning is to see how I feel when people perceive me as female now that I'm more mature." See you, how? If they will still respect you? If they will still respect how you live? The person you are? It's still about others perception on you, how they perceive you will then determine how you feel about it. Transitioning, and destransitioning, are done for yourself, it ought to be something you know you want for you because that is what doesn't feel like wearing a mask (just a reminder, I know you know already), but think about detransitioning in the same way.
When you talk to a therapist, do it from the perspective of why. Why you transitioned in the first place. Why you are considering detransitioning now. You don't have an absolute end goal you are striving for with all your might that you KNOW you need to get to (you are feeling torn between the genders). You have the knowledge that something isn't right for you, and you need help determining what you are actually trying to change for the better.
@KitsuneTheFox
Hey, thank you for typing out such a thoughtful response. I would like to talk to a gender therapist. I don't know if I can afford it right now.
I have craved respect throughout my life, and I feel like I got it as a transgender man. I don't know how much of that is because of sexism or because I started acting more confident and assertive. I was treated like a child before. My own mother respects me more than she used to, and again, I don't know if that's because I present as male or because I changed my behavior.
I don't want to be a woman; I just feel like it's an inescapable fact that I am one. And yes, I want to see if people will give me just as much respect when I present as a confident, assertive woman. And you're right; if I don't like their reactions, I'll probably present as male again and just let people think I'm a man. But I don't feel like a man.
There's also a moral aspect to how I feel. If too many gender-nonconforming people transition so people will treat them better, there will be fewer examples of cisgender, gender-nonconforming people. It could reinforce gender stereotypes and cause a vicious cycle of people transitioning to be treated the way they want to be treated. If masculine women and feminine men had the courage to be openly true to themselves, and if they engaged in enough activism, they could change the status quo.
@TheMisfit
Thank you, you were my first post here, appreciate the kindness (didn't know where to go to re-find the post until just now.) To the moral aspect, although noble to try to be the example you would think would best serve the community, I think you shouldn't put that on yourself. People are going to do what is best for themselves, they really are, regardless of what you do. Whatever example your story sets, it should be one that has to do with you doing right by yourself, whatever that may be. Don't put fewer examples of nonconfirming people or reinforced gender stereotypes on your shoulders. You are looking outward a lot, I'm going to assume because as a trans man people took note of you, and you had to explain over and over, and represent, and it's this lens of scrutiny, both by your community and out, that has put this notion in your heart, but - but, you can't make a decision about what is best for you, based on what is best for the community. It's noise.
About how you feel with your gender... it sounds like you feel like an imposter to the male gender. You seem to enjoy being male, the multiple aspects appeal to you, but the fact remains, you were born female and that will always be a truth of your youth, and a truth to your body. Do you feel, that you owe it to yourself to try and represent this feeling of inescapable womanhood, that perhaps if you did so, this time as an adult who can be a woman any damn well way she pleases, it might be a life you could enjoy and thrive under? Or is it more this feeling of not quite being fully male, this sense of falsehood, this mask you wear that is just a little bit exhausting. And you are tired of still feeling like a woman beneath it all?
If you are seriously considering detransitioning, definitely talk with a gender therapist first. I think your feelings are natural, that many people who have transitioned have felt the same conflict. But that their response does depend on the individual themself, that you won't find a textbook answer that is just right for you.
@TheMisfit yes it's definitely worth the trouble ❤ noone should judge you or make you feel bad about being a man or a woman, or both. But experimenting what is right for you, is something that you have to do. And if anyone has an issue with it tell them to booger off. You are who you are, you are whoever you feel happy and comfortable being ❤❤ pay no attention to the haters and judgy people. It's not about them it's about you ❤ gives you a giant tiny hug ❤let's you know everything is gonna be ok ❤ and we are all here for you
How others view us does play a part in how we see ourselves so I can understand why you may be conflicted about it. It sounds like there are still a lot of questions for you on this topic that only you can answer. Ultimately, the most important aspect is how you feel about yourself and what you think about it. It could be helpful to make a journal about your experiences and document how you felt with each pronoun and persona. It could be helpful to see the trends and clarify any mixed emotions. Just a suggestion of course but I hope you are able to find peace with this. Don't forget to take time out for self care. ✌️
