Cutting my hair short for the first time
Hi all! I hope y’all are having a good day. I’m currently planning on cutting my hair short for the very first time and I have no idea how to go about it.
For context, I am 24, AFAB and closeted trans masculine. I have had long hair my entire life and I’ve never had it shorter than a bit past my shoulders. Well, except for the time when I was 3 and decided to take some scissors to my hair lol.
I’ve always wanted to cut it shorter but couldn’t for a number of reasons. Mostly my mom was very controlling over my appearance growing up and wouldn’t let me (in her words, “I can’t have long beautiful hair like my girls so I wont let them cut theirs”). Grew up in a Mormon cult, gender roles/femininity was very forced on me. When I turned 18 and started taking a bit more control over my style, I wanted to cut it shorter but was too scared to. I was scared of backlash from my family, scared that I wouldn’t be attractive to those I wanted to date… so much stuff to deal with.
But now that I’m independent, and recent events have encouraged me to finally dig out the dysphoria I’ve been living with my whole life and face it, I’m saying screw it! Let’s finally take those steps towards making my appearance match my inner self!
But like, even though the idea of whacking off this hair that I’ve wanted to cut forever is exciting to me, I have a lot of anxiety over it. While I don’t care nearly as much as I used to about what my family will say (don’t live with them, space has helped me give less craps about it), my partner is mostly supportive… I dunno, social anxiety is a prevalent issue and I’m a sponge for other people’s judgement. I’m scared I’ll have to argue my case with a hair stylist who will want to give me a feminine cut, I’m scared that I’ll end up with a Karen cut, I’m scared of the sad comments my mom and sister will make once they see eme afterwards and I’ll end up absorbing that and it’ll make me feel regret or something.
Or worse, my partner, who for the record is great and supportive, but has expressed that masculinity is not something they are personally attracted to (though willing to at least try with me) will end up not being attracted to me anymore.
Buh. I guess I’m just here asking for advice on how to deal with this fear or change and also maybe hearing how others, fellow trans guys, or anyone making physical changes to their appearance that better match their identity got over this hill. Even if you don’t have advice, I find it comforting to at least just hear about other people’s experiences so I don’t feel so alone.
Thanks for reading my rambling, I hope it wasn’t too unorganized lol. 😅
So proud of you for taking control of your appearance and coming one step closer to being your true self
LeonSapphire,
Thanks for reaching out to others during these difficult times. While I am happy that you are able to move past your oppressive childhood experience, and I understand that you are posting here to get more support for cutting your hair, I wanted to point out what may or may jot have been obvious to you already that both your relationship with your partner and your identity issues are both things you value deeply and both are valid. I admire your bravery with planning to cut your hair, but just the same way, I also honor how you are immensely sensitive to how such move may affect the other people and things you care about.
I do not have an easy answer for you, and I believe it has alwsys been a dilemma for those who already have established relationships when they come out. I will encourage you to communicate with your partner throughout your changing presentation, and hopefully, that will continually give you feedback about where things are going and whether you felt a need to speedn up, slow down, pause, or even change course if necessary. It is not an easy journey and I will wish you well as your life's story unfolds itself. Good luck!
Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate you taking the time to respond thoughtfully. :) Things are quite complicated but I guess that’s where communication with one’s significant other become super important. Right now my partner is going through with their own transition (AMAB) so I guess it kind of helps that we are working with similar issues. I just have a lot of anxiety over the idea of the four years we have built a life together going down the toilet, but we’ve had that conversation. And thankfully the verdict is they are willing to at least work with me as I have made an effort to support them through their transition.
While it is possible that the relationship will be adversely affected over time, continual monitoring and adjustments will help guide you to what you hold true and dear to your heart if it becomes apparent that the loss of one is inevitable. 4 years is a long time, and I totally get that, but while I wish I can invent a magic bullet for you, I do not believe that there is one. So it may boil down to gracefully protecting either or maybe both for a soft landing if things get intense.
With that said, I am not trying to interfere with you or be disrespectful, but do you think there is a part of you where you transitioning is out of your love for them and also your unwillingness to accept a cis- relationship becoming a trans- les- relationship (or however you characterize such relationships)? If that's not true, great. But I want you to ask yourself that honest question because I think it will hurt you even deeper if you ever leave them for whatever reason.
I hear you there, that’s the question I’ve been asking myself for the past year or so, and while I think I’ve mostly figured out my feelings, there is still a lot of water testing to do.
When we began dating, I was upfront about my dysphoria to them, but it was respectfully expressed that they were not attracted to men at all. So at that time I decided I could just ignore it, all for the sake of keeping my relationship. It’s a long story, but this person has been the best thing to ever happen to me and I struggle with BPD so the idea of losing my relationship with this person was more painful to me than the idea that I’d never get to be myself.
But last summer, they came to me and expressed their desire to transition. Honestly it took me by surprise, and I was initially afraid because in my caveman brain, “Change bad! Unknown bad!” But never, ever did I think to myself that I would want to end things if my partner changed their gender. I love them no matter what, and it would take ire than that to make me walk out. However, I am bisexual so maybe it’s somewhat easier for me to adjust to that idea.
However, as soon as this happened, I think the dam of pent-up dysphoria I’d been fighting to keep buried for so long…it just broke. Maybe something in my mind is feeling like it’s not fair to do this to myself while the person I made these sacrifices for feels comfortable to do what they want.
I actually had this conversation with them a few nights ago and expressed my desire to transition as well, but my fears of them not wanting to continue the relationship if I went through with it. It was a very tearful confession on my end. But, while they aren’t 100% certain as to how attracted to me they’ll feel once the big changes take place, that they would extend the same effort to me that I have for them. They said that in the end that as long as I’m still me, they’ll always love me too.
So when it comes down to it, I don’t care what our relationship is classified as, if it’s a les/het/cis/trans/etc. relationship, I am fine as long as we’re together. I think that’s the journey that I’ve been through, and now it’s the journey my partner is going through but I think we’ll be okay.
Wow, that got long. There is so much context to give, I apologize haha!
Hi Leon,
I think every FTM person is going through mostly the same issues and everyone has to figure out their own way of dealing with it. Not everything I lived through can be used in your Situation.
But! Personally it helped with my hair when I told the hairdresser, that I wanted a man's haircut, not a feminine haircut at all. And be frank. Say "No, this is too long/not the right way" or whatever, if they don't get it right the first time. I know this can be very intimidating, it is for me too, in so many situations.
Maybe ask a friend to come along, if you trust them?
All the best
Maxx
Thank you! Being assertive and standing my ground is something that I am trying to improve on and I think im getting better at it. I have faced so much worse but for some reason the idea of this scenario intimidates the hell outa me lol.
I probably will ask a friend to come along when that day arrives. I can’t do the outside-around-lots-of-other-humans thing very well without a friend shield haha!
