LeonSapphire Member Profile

I really need help. I think I'm going insane.

Relationship Stress / by LeonSapphire

July 10th

...See more Hi, I'm going through some very difficult and confusing feelings right now about this experience. I really need a second opinion about this situation because I don't trust my own perception of this. This will probably be long, but I feel it's important to get all the relevant context. I posted this already in the personality disorder section, but maybe this would fit in better here. Obligatory Trigger Warning: Talk about suicidal/self-harm thoughts and some sexual relationship details. To preface, I have quiet-type BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I struggle with severe abandonment issues, and I have a bad habit of letting others take advantage of me because I so desperately want to feel needed. I am medicated, I am in therapy, but there is still much for me to work on. It's kind of pathetic on my end, but I am stable when I feel like I have a committed partner. So, I am not the type to be prone to jealousy or controlling behavior, but rather, I begin to spiral into self=hatred whenever I feel uncertain or believe I have done something to make someone not like me anymore. This can easily become self-fulfilling prophecy, as I will convince myself that I am unlovable, annoying and too intense, and I will either apologize incessantly, or self-isolate to "protect" others from me. This year has been extremely hard on me. I was in a very happy relationship for 5 years, but in January this year, it ended. It wasn't because of anything like abuse or just not getting along, which weirdly enough is probably why it has been so hard for me. My partner at the time decided to transition from male to female, and despite the fact that I am not attracted to women, I did try my best to make it work. Unfortunately, it just didn’t. We still live together, and we get along for the most part, but it feels like a part of me died with the relationship. I did not believe it would be possible to have the same kind of bond that I had with this partner, and I was honestly very suicidal for a solid chunk afterwards. Fast forward to May, 2024. I finally decided to poke my head out into the world of dating apps, not expecting to find anything. I matched with a few people, but ultimately the conversations just died with most. Then I came across a profile that I instantly vibed with. We'll call him Guitarist. Right off the bat, I know I'm going to get along with this person amazingly. Our sense of humor is on the same page, we have tons in common, and it is so easy to talk to him. Guitarist invites me to his place, and he is 100x cooler in person. He is also very sweet, hilarious, and of course, very attractive to me. He is also a musician like me, hence the name "Guitarist", and he's tons of fun. We hang out, play some video games together, I show him how to mod Skyrim, we open up to each other about stuff that I normally would not on a first date. I guess we were just that comfortable with each other. We eventually decide to chill and watch something together, which of course turns into cuddling, which turns into everything else after that point. Again, this is something that normally I NEVER do on a first date, but I just ended up feeling like I could break that rule this time around. And it was great! He invited me back over the next day, and we kept meeting up after that. I really enjoyed spending time with him and it seemed like he enjoyed spending time with me. He told me I was beautiful, that I was hilarious, cute…all the good stuff you want to hear from someone you find yourself infatuated with. I thought that things were going in a good direction, though due to past experiences with other men, I was hesitant to have the discussion for fear of scaring him away or putting too much pressure on him. Then the enthusiasm on his end began to wane. If I didn't text him first, he would not text me. I learned that he was going through some anxiety about an approaching trip he would be taking out of state. He told me that he would be staying with a friend for a little over a week so that he could interview for a job he was hoping to get. Hearing this, my heart dropped a little because I worried if that meant he did not plan to continue seeing me. However, a louder part of my brain believed that even if he did get the position, it wouldn't require him to move for a while so we could still have plenty of time to figure out where our relationship was going. We manage to hang out a few times between that conversation and him leaving for his trip. Of course, it's all arranged by me asking if we can, because he doesn't initiate the conversations anymore. Suddenly, he goes long periods without responding or contacting me. It's fine, he's busy, I can respect a need for space. When we do hang out, he's less affectionate with me, aside from the occasional touch and of course, cuddling as we watch videos together. He doesn't want to kiss me, saying that it's because he has canker sores. That's okay, I get it, I am just happy to spend time with him. This, I hope is not more than anyone needs to know, but I don't trust my own perception of this detail, so I would like a second opinion. When we are intimate, he does not want to finish inside of me despite me telling him that I have an IUD. He says it's not because he doesn't trust me, but he just wants to be extra careful, so if he does finish inside, he needs to get more condoms. I think "Okay, fair, I guess." He does eventually get more condoms, but we are only intimate once before he leaves on his trip, so we only use one, of course. This detail about the condoms will be the more important aspect, but still, I do think this is a little strange. The night before he leaves for his trip, I come over one last time to see him before he's gone for the next week and I won't be able to. He was having a panic attack about getting everything ready and feeling stressed, so I came over specifically with the intention of providing support, helping him get his stuff together, but I also just wanted to see him before he headed out. I ask if he has anyone to take care of his cat while he's gone, and he admits to me that he does not. He tells me he had a friend that said she could, but didn't really want to for whatever reason. Of course, being the human bra that I am, I offer to take care of her. I don't ask for anything in return, because I love Guitarist and I just want to help in any way I can. Before I leave to let him get some sleep before the long drive, we hug, and I kiss him on the cheek, because the dreaded canker sores were still a problem for him, he says. He later sends me a text saying that he really appreciates me and I wish him a safe trip. Throughout the week, I go over every night to feed his cat. He asks if I can spend some time just hanging out with her so she isn't lonely. His cat is adorable and sweet, I don't mind at all. However, his texts become further and fewer between, which I chock up to "oh, he's just busy". Of course, I miss him though, so it's still tough. On top of that, my week gets extremely bad. I learned that my sister, who I had planned to move in with after finishing out the lease with my ex, will be moving out of state as well. My ex, also plans to end the lease early, by the end of the summer, which means I will have to move too. During this time, my ex/roommate is also on a vacation, so I am home alone, facing the looming situation of having to suddenly move out within the next two weeks. I'm stressed beyond words. I'm doing my best to keep my issues to myself so as not to trauma dump on Guitarist while he is out of town. However, part of me wishes he would at least call me for a bit. The only time he initiates conversation is to ask if I cared for his cat, which is fine, but I would really like at least some kind of contact beyond that. He asks me how I'm doing one day and I admit that things are not going very well at all, and he asks why. I give him a very brief version so as not to overload him, but he doesn't really ever respond. I think during those small conversational windows, he was drunk. It seemed like I never was able to even talk to him until late into the night, and each time he was wasted out of his mind. I try not to feel hurt by it, after all, he is on vacation, and looking to get a job over there. This whole time, my anxiety has been eating me alive and I am really wanting to just rip the bandaid off and talk about our relationship, so I know where things are going. At this point, I know I'm already supremely attached. He tells me he got the position, which I am both happy for him but extra worried about our status now. Oh well, we'll have that conversation for when he comes home, right? About that… The morning on the day that he's supposed to drive home, he asks me if I can possibly take care of his cat for one more night. He says there's been an emergency. So, I tell him, "No problem, but are you okay?" and his response is to reassure me that he will be okay. So, I ask him what happened, and I get no response. A few more hours later, he asks if I can continue taking care of the cat for another week, basically. I tell him, "Alright, but can you please tell me what's going on?" He explains that he actually started his new job already, and they have him working until the end of the week. Please tell me if I'm wrong here, but that just doesn't sound right to me. I would, at the very least, expect an employer, especially for one in his specific career field, to let a new employee move to the location before asking them to start working. I don't know, it's just really weird to me. It doesn't help that I know the friend he is staying with is a girl, a very attractive girl, who lives with her allegedly creepy ex-boyfriend, and Guitarist is staying with her in her room. Am I insane for feeling uncomfortable with this now? I am not the jealous type, but I have been cheated on in a past relationship and I am just getting bad dejavu here. Whatever, I'm a doormat so I keep taking care of the cat. That, and regardless of whatever is going on, it is not the cat's fault and it does not deserve to go hungry and suffer. I try not to dwell on it. Over the week, we have a few more brief conversations, where I begin to express a little more of my own struggles, hoping that maybe he will show me some bit of emotional support so I can prove to my self-loathing brain that my fears are baseless. He gives me a few flowery statements like "I am so blessed to have met you" and "You're really one in a billion, don't be stressed or feel bad". So I try to ask him about where things are going between us and he tells me something a long the lines of, "I am so sorry that I met you at a time when I was relocating. I would like to have seen where our story would go." To which, I inform him that it doesn't necessarily have to end here. That, as crazy as it might be, I could go with him. It's not unrealistic at all. I work from home, so I can literally go wherever I want. My current anxiety is around the fact that I don't want to be alone, and if it means we can continue being together, then I'd happily move out to where he will be. He starts to not respond after that. I understand how unhinged it might be to say "Hey I'll move to this new city with you, despite the short amount of time we've been seeing each other," but that was something said after he told me that he felt the same way about me. In the following days, I try pressing a little more, in case he just forgot to reply. He tells me, "Oh that just wouldn't be very practical. You can't just move to a new city without a place lined up to live, or a job." It's like he didn't even read what I wrote, or completely misunderstood. I literally just told him that I have a job, I work remotely, so I can go anywhere in the country. My only problem is that I don't want to live alone, as in, I don't want to be in a city without loved ones nearby. None of my friends live in my current city anymore, I am no-contact with my parents, my brother lives in a different country, and now my sister is moving to a state very far away, and will most likely not be living anywhere long term for a while so I cannot follow her. I don't care if I have to get my own place, it's not an issue. So, why not? If he actually feels the same way about me, why is he discouraging that discussion? On the last night I was supposed to take care of the cat, I wanted to leave him a gift that I originally made for the purpose of cheering him up should he not get the position. Seeing as keeping it around would only make me sad, I decided to leave it as a parting gift. I am a professional artist and made a portrait of his beloved kitty, to go with one he had of his dog. I left it with a letter where I confessed that I did in fact love him, and even if I didn't get to see him anymore, that I hoped his life in the new city would be lovely. I told him that I would always care about him, and wished him the best. Then I did something that I will admit that I am not proud of. However, this time, I just couldn't help myself. Remember the new box of condoms? The one we only used one from? Well, he left it out by his bedside, just a little out of immediate eyesight so I didn't notice it until the last night. Against my better judgment, and my respect for other people's belongings, I decided to look. It's a box of 12, so if we used one, math says there should be 11 left. There were only 6. Where did the other 5 go? I tried looking around the immediate area, hoping that maybe the cat had gotten into them and knocked them around the room, but I couldn't find them. I hope to God that there is an innocent reason for 5 to be missing like that. Maybe he just put the strip somewhere else in his room? Obviously I am not going to go snooping around someone else's place but that is extremely suspicious to me. Is this why he started pulling back, why he would be unreachable suddenly, why he didn't want to kiss me anymore? Was I just a fling to him? I really hope this is not the case. However, looking back at everything, I can't help but feel like I allowed myself to be used again. I can't help but feel stupid for putting myself out there, and ignoring my better judgment because I felt that I met someone special, only to learn that I meant so little. Having BPD causes me to idolize people, and the quiet-type that I have causes me to blame everything on myself. I gaslight myself into ignoring red flags and instead fork over more of my soul to people who plan on disposing me at the earliest convenience. I probably got attached way too fast, but I am so confused. Please, someone help me understand what just happened to me. :(

Am I insane? Relationship confusion and bpd.

Personality Disorders Support / by LeonSapphire

July 9th

...See more TW: Discussion of suicidal thoughts, relationship trauma, and sexual relationship stuff. This will be very long, but I feel it's important to get all the relevant context. I would really like a second opinion on this because I don't trust myself at all. To preface, I have quiet-type BPD. I struggle with severe abandonment issues, and I have a bad habit of letting others take advantage of me because I so desperately want to feel needed. I am medicated, I am in therapy, but there is still much for me to work on. It's kind of pathetic on my end, but I am stable when I feel like I have a committed partner. So, I am not the type to be prone to jealousy or controlling behavior, but rather, I begin to spiral into self=hatred whenever I feel uncertain or believe I have done something to make someone not like me anymore. This can easily become self-fulfilling prophecy, as I will convince myself that I am unlovable, annoying and too intense, and I will either apologize incessantly, or self-isolate to "protect" others from me. This year has been extremely hard on me. I was in a very happy relationship for 5 years, but in January this year, it ended. It wasn't because of anything like abuse or just not getting along, which weirdly enough is probably why it has been so hard for me. My partner at the time decided to transition from male to female, and despite the fact that I am not attracted to women, I did try my best to make it work. Unfortunately, it just didn’t. We still live together, and we get along for the most part, but it feels like a part of me died with the relationship. I did not believe it would be possible to have the same kind of bond that I had with this partner, and I was honestly very suicidal for a solid chunk afterwards. Fast forward to May, 2024. I finally decided to poke my head out into the world of dating apps, not expecting to find anything. I matched with a few people, but ultimately the conversations just died with most. Then I came across a profile that I instantly vibed with. We'll call him Guitarist. Right off the bat, I know I'm going to get along with this person amazingly. Our sense of humor is on the same page, we have tons in common, and it is so easy to talk to him. Guitarist invites me to his place, and he is 100x cooler in person. He is also very sweet, hilarious, and of course, very attractive to me. He is also a musician like me, hence the name "Guitarist", and he's tons of fun. We hang out, play some video games together, I show him how to mod Skyrim, we open up to each other about stuff that I normally would not on a first date. I guess we were just that comfortable with each other. We eventually decide to chill and watch something together, which of course turns into cuddling, which turns into everything else after that point. Again, this is something that normally I NEVER do on a first date, but I just ended up feeling like I could break that rule this time around. And it was great! He invited me back over the next day, and we kept meeting up after that. I really enjoyed spending time with him and it seemed like he enjoyed spending time with me. He told me I was beautiful, that I was hilarious, cute…all the good stuff you want to hear from someone you find yourself infatuated with. I thought that things were going in a good direction, though due to past experiences with other men, I was hesitant to have the discussion for fear of scaring him away or putting too much pressure on him. Then the enthusiasm on his end began to wane. If I didn't text him first, he would not text me. I learned that he was going through some anxiety about an approaching trip he would be taking out of state. He told me that he would be staying with a friend for a little over a week so that he could interview for a job he was hoping to get. Hearing this, my heart dropped a little because I worried if that meant he did not plan to continue seeing me. However, a louder part of my brain believed that even if he did get the position, it wouldn't require him to move for a while so we could still have plenty of time to figure out where our relationship was going. We manage to hang out a few times between that conversation and him leaving for his trip. Of course, it's all arranged by me asking if we can, because he doesn't initiate the conversations anymore. Suddenly, he goes long periods without responding or contacting me. It's fine, he's busy, I can respect a need for space. When we do hang out, he's less affectionate with me, aside from the occasional touch and of course, cuddling as we watch videos together. He doesn't want to kiss me, saying that it's because he has canker sores. That's okay, I get it, I am just happy to spend time with him. This, I hope is not more than anyone needs to know, but I don't trust my own perception of this detail, so I would like a second opinion. When we are intimate, he does not want to finish inside of me despite me telling him that I have an IUD. He says it's not because he doesn't trust me, but he just wants to be extra careful, so if he does finish inside, he needs to get more condoms. I think "Okay, fair, I guess." He does eventually get more condoms, but we are only intimate once before he leaves on his trip, so we only use one, of course. This detail about the condoms will be the more important aspect, but still, I do think this is a little strange. The night before he leaves for his trip, I come over one last time to see him before he's gone for the next week and I won't be able to. He was having a panic attack about getting everything ready and feeling stressed, so I came over specifically with the intention of providing support, helping him get his stuff together, but I also just wanted to see him before he headed out. I ask if he has anyone to take care of his cat while he's gone, and he admits to me that he does not. He tells me he had a friend that said she could, but didn't really want to for whatever reason. Of course, being the human bra that I am, I offer to take care of her. I don't ask for anything in return, because I love Guitarist and I just want to help in any way I can. Before I leave to let him get some sleep before the long drive, we hug, and I kiss him on the cheek, because the dreaded canker sores were still a problem for him, he says. He later sends me a text saying that he really appreciates me and I wish him a safe trip. Throughout the week, I go over every night to feed his cat. He asks if I can spend some time just hanging out with her so she isn't lonely. His cat is adorable and sweet, I don't mind at all. However, his texts become further and fewer between, which I chock up to "oh, he's just busy". Of course, I miss him though, so it's still tough. On top of that, my week gets extremely bad. I learned that my sister, who I had planned to move in with after finishing out the lease with my ex, will be moving out of state as well. My ex, also plans to end the lease early, by the end of the summer, which means I will have to move too. During this time, my ex/roommate is also on a vacation, so I am home alone, facing the looming situation of having to suddenly move out within the next two weeks. I'm stressed beyond words. I'm doing my best to keep my issues to myself so as not to trauma dump on Guitarist while he is out of town. However, part of me wishes he would at least call me for a bit. The only time he initiates conversation is to ask if I cared for his cat, which is fine, but I would really like at least some kind of contact beyond that. He asks me how I'm doing one day and I admit that things are not going very well at all, and he asks why. I give him a very brief version so as not to overload him, but he doesn't really ever respond. I think during those small conversational windows, he was drunk. It seemed like I never was able to even talk to him until late into the night, and each time he was wasted out of his mind. I try not to feel hurt by it, after all, he is on vacation, and looking to get a job over there. This whole time, my anxiety has been eating me alive and I am really wanting to just rip the bandaid off and talk about our relationship, so I know where things are going. At this point, I know I'm already supremely attached. He tells me he got the position, which I am both happy for him but extra worried about our status now. Oh well, we'll have that conversation for when he comes home, right? About that… The morning on the day that he's supposed to drive home, he asks me if I can possibly take care of his cat for one more night. He says there's been an emergency. So, I tell him, "No problem, but are you okay?" and his response is to reassure me that he will be okay. So, I ask him what happened, and I get no response. A few more hours later, he asks if I can continue taking care of the cat for another week, basically. I tell him, "Alright, but can you please tell me what's going on?" He explains that he actually started his new job already, and they have him working until the end of the week. Please tell me if I'm wrong here, but that just doesn't sound right to me. I would, at the very least, expect an employer, especially for one in his specific career field, to let a new employee move to the location before asking them to start working. I don't know, it's just really weird to me. It doesn't help that I know the friend he is staying with is a girl, a very attractive girl, who lives with her allegedly creepy ex-boyfriend, and Guitarist is staying with her in her room. Am I insane for feeling uncomfortable with this now? I am not the jealous type, but I have been cheated on in a past relationship and I am just getting bad dejavu here. Whatever, I'm a doormat so I keep taking care of the cat. That, and regardless of whatever is going on, it is not the cat's fault and it does not deserve to go hungry and suffer. I try not to dwell on it. Over the week, we have a few more brief conversations, where I begin to express a little more of my own struggles, hoping that maybe he will show me some bit of emotional support so I can prove to my self-loathing brain that my fears are baseless. He gives me a few flowery statements like "I am so blessed to have met you" and "You're really one in a billion, don't be stressed or feel bad". So I try to ask him about where things are going between us and he tells me something a long the lines of, "I am so sorry that I met you at a time when I was relocating. I would like to have seen where our story would go." To which, I inform him that it doesn't necessarily have to end here. That, as crazy as it might be, I could go with him. It's not unrealistic at all. I work from home, so I can literally go wherever I want. My current anxiety is around the fact that I don't want to be alone, and if it means we can continue being together, then I'd happily move out to where he will be. He starts to not respond after that. I understand how unhinged it might be to say "Hey I'll move to this new city with you, despite the short amount of time we've been seeing each other," but that was something said after he told me that he felt the same way about me. In the following days, I try pressing a little more, in case he just forgot to reply. He tells me, "Oh that just wouldn't be very practical. You can't just move to a new city without a place lined up to live, or a job." It's like he didn't even read what I wrote, or completely misunderstood. I literally just told him that I have a job, I work remotely, so I can go anywhere in the country. My only problem is that I don't want to live alone, as in, I don't want to be in a city without loved ones nearby. None of my friends live in my current city anymore, I am no-contact with my parents, my brother lives in a different country, and now my sister is moving to a state very far away, and will most likely not be living anywhere long term for a while so I cannot follow her. I don't care if I have to get my own place, it's not an issue. So, why not? If he actually feels the same way about me, why is he discouraging that discussion? On the last night I was supposed to take care of the cat, I wanted to leave him a gift that I originally made for the purpose of cheering him up should he not get the position. Seeing as keeping it around would only make me sad, I decided to leave it as a parting gift. I am a professional artist and made a portrait of his beloved kitty, to go with one he had of his dog. I left it with a letter where I confessed that I did in fact love him, and even if I didn't get to see him anymore, that I hoped his life in the new city would be lovely. I told him that I would always care about him, and wished him the best. Then I did something that I will admit that I am not proud of. However, this time, I just couldn't help myself. Remember the new box of condoms? The one we only used one from? Well, he left it out by his bedside, just a little out of immediate eyesight so I didn't notice it until the last night. Against my better judgment, and my respect for other people's belongings, I decided to look. It's a box of 12, so if we used one, math says there should be 11 left. There were only 6. Where did the other 5 go? I tried looking around the immediate area, hoping that maybe the cat had gotten into them and knocked them around the room, but I couldn't find them. I hope to God that there is an innocent reason for 5 to be missing like that. Maybe he just put the strip somewhere else in his room? Obviously I am not going to go snooping around someone else's place but that is extremely suspicious to me. Is this why he started pulling back, why he would be unreachable suddenly, why he didn't want to kiss me anymore? Was I just a fling to him? I really hope this is not the case. However, looking back at everything, I can't help but feel like I allowed myself to be used again. I can't help but feel stupid for putting myself out there, and ignoring my better judgment because I felt that I met someone special, only to learn that I meant so little. Having BPD causes me to idolize people, and the quiet-type that I have causes me to blame everything on myself. I gaslight myself into ignoring red flags and instead fork over more of my soul to people who plan on disposing me at the earliest convenience. I probably got attached way too fast, but I am so confused. Please, someone help me understand what the *** just happened to me. :(

Cutting my hair short for the first time

LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by LeonSapphire

March 25th, 2022

...See more Hi all! I hope y’all are having a good day. I’m currently planning on cutting my hair short for the very first time and I have no idea how to go about it. For context, I am 24, AFAB and closeted trans masculine. I have had long hair my entire life and I’ve never had it shorter than a bit past my shoulders. Well, except for the time when I was 3 and decided to take some scissors to my hair lol. I’ve always wanted to cut it shorter but couldn’t for a number of reasons. Mostly my mom was very controlling over my appearance growing up and wouldn’t let me (in her words, “I can’t have long beautiful hair like my girls so I wont let them cut theirs”). Grew up in a Mormon cult, gender roles/femininity was very forced on me. When I turned 18 and started taking a bit more control over my style, I wanted to cut it shorter but was too scared to. I was scared of backlash from my family, scared that I wouldn’t be attractive to those I wanted to date… so much stuff to deal with. But now that I’m independent, and recent events have encouraged me to finally dig out the dysphoria I’ve been living with my whole life and face it, I’m saying screw it! Let’s finally take those steps towards making my appearance match my inner self! But like, even though the idea of whacking off this hair that I’ve wanted to cut forever is exciting to me, I have a lot of anxiety over it. While I don’t care nearly as much as I used to about what my family will say (don’t live with them, space has helped me give less craps about it), my partner is mostly supportive… I dunno, social anxiety is a prevalent issue and I’m a sponge for other people’s judgement. I’m scared I’ll have to argue my case with a hair stylist who will want to give me a feminine cut, I’m scared that I’ll end up with a Karen cut, I’m scared of the sad comments my mom and sister will make once they see eme afterwards and I’ll end up absorbing that and it’ll make me feel regret or something. Or worse, my partner, who for the record is great and supportive, but has expressed that masculinity is not something they are personally attracted to (though willing to at least try with me) will end up not being attracted to me anymore. Buh. I guess I’m just here asking for advice on how to deal with this fear or change and also maybe hearing how others, fellow trans guys, or anyone making physical changes to their appearance that better match their identity got over this hill. Even if you don’t have advice, I find it comforting to at least just hear about other people’s experiences so I don’t feel so alone. Thanks for reading my rambling, I hope it wasn’t too unorganized lol. 😅

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