How did you know you were Ace or Aro?

@cannonbeach

Hi there Wright! :) I'm Soe (gotta love pseudonyms) and I'm an AroAce.

I was in a relationship for a while too. I tried to make me like her romantically or even to be sexually attracted to her but it just never felt like it was really comming from me. My body wasn't telling me to do those things, it was just something I consciously decided on, even if I wanted it to be natural. There were no hormones pushing me or any butterflies in my belly (only some social anxiety). I wanted her to like me and think highly of me, but actually planning and acting out romantic guestures just seemed like such a drag. Way too much work only to get some stilted awkwardness.

The relationship ended for reasons other than my orientation. But after having gotten more comfortable with who I am, I'm not looking do date someone new.

I'll just share a bit of my general story here.
I knew I was asexual very early on. Even as kids my sister was always pining and swooning over guys all day everyday. I couldn't relate at all, in a sense that I really couldn't wrap my head around the idea how she could just look at someone and suddenly she just has these weird and almighty feelings for them. She tried to explain it to me many times and tried to get me in on the action too, but it's just something that couldn't be forced on me.
My mother quickly noticed how alienated I felt. She knew about asexuality and told me that it might be what I was experiencing.

Realizing I was aromantic was a whole different journey however. I honestly thought asexual meant "no interest in sex or dating" for a long time until I came across the term "romantic attraction". And once I realized there was a difference between Ace and Aro I was very lost.
I experimented with a lot of different labels. I was sure that I was asexual, but I thought since I didn't hate people or the concept of romance, that I couldn't be aromantic too.
Only after interacting with the aromantic community and realizing that they can be just as kind and social as everyone else did I consider falling on the spectrum. And after accepting that it didn't take long to realize that I was completely aromantic.
I love being kind and open to other people, I'm not antisocial at all. I don't even particularly dislike the idea of sexual/romantic relationships. I just don't experience sexual or romantic attraction.

I read a really helpful story once of two sisters, both of which were ace, but only one was also aro. The older sister (who had romantic attraction) said that she had many crushes and a lot of feelings just like most people she grew up around. She just never had any inherent interest in sex. The younger sister however, had no natural interest in dating whatsoever. No crushes, no attraction, no inherent desire for dating in general.

From what I've heard this is really true. Alloaces usually work the same when it comes to dating, they'd just rather pass on the sexual activities. Arospec aces on the other hand, are the ones that just don't click with "normal" kinds of relationships. That's why many of them prefer queerplatonic relationships or just having friends and family.

Basically, if you have to pick a preference or an orientation because you're body isn't telling what kind of people you have sexual/romantic feelings for by itself, you're probably ace/aro.

There are indeed platonic crushes (I've had two already myself and they can surely fool you as being romantic), so you having experienced crushes before doesn't have to mean you are alloromantic.
You could be greyromantic. Where you experience romantic attraction only rarely.
Or maybe lithromantic (like my sister). Where you experience romantic attraction but it fades when your feelings are reciprocated.
Or one of the many more umbrella terms you can read up on.

Asking others for their experiences and openly talking about how you feel is already one of the best ways to figure yourself out.
You can also look up videos or articles about how other ace and/or aro people experience the world. It'll all be valuable information, so give it a try!

Good luck on your journey 💚💚

@cannonbeach I'm demiromantic and demisexual so I guess I'll share how I figured that out since it's under the asexuality umbrella. So I figured out my sexuality through learning about different sexualities and I realized that it described me. It sort of felt like my whole life made more sense once I figured it out because I had always labeled it as being weird but when I realized it wasn't I felt less lonely about it. It has since helped me feel less lonely when I am upset about being different.