Feeling like the only person on earth with internalized aphobia
I'm an (aromantic) asexual and I can't stop hating my own orientation.
I grew up in a super supportive environment. My mother has been a voluntary counselor for gay and trans people facing issues eversince I was a child and she still does it to this day. She raised us so we could be free to be whoever we are and to stand up and fight for the rights of others. We all came out really open and accepting because of that, but somehow I failed to be accepting towards myself.
Gay, Trans, Demi, Enby, Flux, Fray, I'm super accepting towards everything. But for some reason I grew up despising asexuality.
I get intense rushes of anger whenever I think about being asexual or when I get to feel that I don't experience attraction. It's like sandpaper on my brain. I hate seing ace positivity or our flag included in pride posts. And I often catch myself having phobic or gatekeeping thoughts, even though that completely goes against everything I believe in and stand for. I would never tell anyone such horrible things, but sometimes they pop up like in a game of whack-a-mole and I can't seem to stop myself from thinking it.
I hate myself for thinking such horrible things about an innocent and marginalized community, but I just can't stop hating asexuality. Am I really alone in that? How can I learn to accept myself?
Internalized phobias regarding LGBT+ identities are very common and they can also concern people who grew up in very open-minded environments. There could be many reasons for that, one of them being that society still has prejudices that we can absorb from sources external to our family. Another thing I can think of is the fear that, being aromantic and asexual, you will end up feeling alone and never able to share something deep with anyone. It's understandable to have these fears, since we're all so used to love being glorified as the best if not only way to experience some deep connections and find happiness. But there are so many ways to be happy, so many ways to connect with other people, based on intellectual common interests, emotional connection, shared values and goals... Just because society has traditionally glorified romantic love and the "corresponding" sexual desire as the highest form of connection, it doesn't mean you can't be equally happy by forging other types of bonds. In my opinion, building something important with someone (like colleagues who work together on an important project, volunteers who share values and work, close friends who stay together through hard times...) can be just as precious and rewarding as romantic love.
You will find your way! Live your life, make your experiences, pursue your goals, forge human connections as you do it. Make your life great. The more you work towards this goal, the more you realize that your asexuality doesn't make you nor your life less worthy than anyone else's. And if you have negative thoughts, remember to always ask yourself the logical reason for these thoughts: internalized phobias are irrational, so trying to fight it with logical thinking on a constant basis can help you internalized these more rational thoughts as well.
I'd also suggest you to get in contact with the asexual community to learn more about their experiences, since internalized phobias can be fought with better knowledge of people's reality. But if it's too soon for you, don't force yourself! Take your time. It will get better! I wish you the best!
@Aayla Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful response.
It means a lot to me that you took the time to write me back 💜💜
I actually started involving myself in the asexual community and relearning things about my own identity about half a year ago. It was very difficult for me, but it helped me more than I could have ever imagined. I'm still nowhere near being rid off my own aphobia, but I keep bettering myself bit by bit.
However, can I ask you something?
What if I know the sources of my phobia but I can't remove them? I've come to know which people in my life have and are causing me to feel so bad about my identity. I have tried talking to them many times, informing them and telling them that they are hurting me, but to no avail. But despite them being aphobic to an extend where it rubbed off on me, I still don't want them out of my life. They are otherwise great people and I don't want to lose them over this, even if they keep hurting me.
@Soe22 If I may say my opinion on this topic as well, I can totally understand you not knowing what to do. I mean apparently these people are very important to you so you dont want to lose them which I understand. But it also sort of sounds like a toxic relationship to me causing you to not accept your own identity. Saving relationships is important but when these people dont do their part in then I think it would just be better for you to let them I go. I know it sounds very hard but if his people really dont do anything abou their behavior although youve told them that it hurts you, I wonder what good of a friend they really are. Maybe you should try to sit down with them for one last time and explain that if they dont change their behavior then you have no choice but end contact. That would kind of be my point of view in this whole situation. Hope I could help.
Thank you so much for your reply @Sky0803
I agree with you that I pretty much don't have many other choices in my situation. I just don't want to be all alone. Which I would be until I eventually make some new friends, which could take a while if I had to move out and work fulltime to support myself. Which I would have to, because while I praised my family for being suuuper supportive, the main culprits actually do live in my house.
But those are the only two options. Take their poor treatment forever or go somewhere where I can be myself.
I will have another serious talk with them before I make my decision final, but in the end I do owe it to myself to make the healthier decision.
I really appreciate that you took the time to answer 💛💛 It helped me put things into perspective