Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type and cptsd cocktail. Trigger warning.
As I lay on my bathroom floor, nearly 2 AM, Only minutes after an intense episode of emotional distress and pleading with myself to not slip and fall into the spiral I can see racing around me, threatening to o swallow me whole; bones and mg all, Circling like a vulture does it's lunch. Roadkill. That's what I feel like post episode. Its hard not to hate yourself when you've grown so tired of the same exact feelings of being alone, misunderstood, disregarded, not taken seriously by anyone. It's even harder to convince yourself that it's all in your heX when you beg someone for comfort in your moments of weakness and get rejected, by the person you love tho most.... Pain for me comes at a price. I can't function. I can't manage, deal, or cope. I can't rationalize. I can't be mindful. Everything is literally a "can't". And as I lay here ok the floor I wonder things like.... If I laid here does would anyone try to help me? Would anyone notice I'm missing? Will anyone miss me when I'm gone....
.
@TERATONCHRIS Maybe no one in the house would miss you other than your cat, but here in CupsLand...yes.
@slowdecline48 how do I fix the typos? Obviously I was delirious
Make sure you have spell check turned on...that's the only answer I have, dear.
@slowdecline48 😫😫😫
@TERATONCHRIS Any improvement at all? One can only hope...
10-26-24
Started psychotherapy with this little old lady who's been in the mental health field for 53 years. She's awesome totally not what I expected. I relate to her alot hard to believe, but am concerned that my insurance won't allow me to have her and keep my therapist as well... This is tough
@TERATONCHRIS If your insurance is able to pay for one provider & it could be either one, figure out which one is better. Sounds like the little old lady headshrinker could really help you screw your head on straight.
@slowdecline48
I think Soo too. My therapist is a noob I like him and he's cool cuz I can be myself around him I'm afraid some of the stuff I say might offend this lady but I definitely think she's more equipped
Also my paranoia has kicked back in and that's troubling
