Schizoaffective disorder bipolar type and cptsd cocktail. Trigger warning.

As I lay on my bathroom floor, nearly 2 AM, Only minutes after an intense episode of emotional distress and pleading with myself to not slip and fall into the spiral I can see racing around me, threatening to o swallow me whole; bones and mg all,  Circling like a vulture does it's lunch. Roadkill. That's what I feel like post episode.  Its hard not to hate yourself when you've grown so tired of the same exact feelings of being alone, misunderstood, disregarded, not taken seriously by anyone. It's even harder to convince yourself that it's all in your heX when you beg someone for comfort in your moments of weakness and get rejected, by the person you love tho most.... Pain for me comes at a price. I can't function. I can't manage, deal, or cope. I can't rationalize. I can't be mindful. Everything is literally a "can't". And as I lay here ok the floor I wonder things like.... If I laid here does would anyone try to help me? Would anyone notice I'm missing? Will anyone miss me when I'm gone....

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