[tw] oh if my engine works perfectly on empty, i guess i'll drive

100 days

@mysteriousClover the title of this is so true with what I do that I had to laugh. Thanks 💯

i just *** need a hug man (':

"I'm a self-destructive landslide if you wanna be the hill"

Time moves so damn slow
I swear I feel my organs failing

you promised this summer wouldn't be the last time i saw you. i remember our conversation, sitting at the bottom of a staircase leading up to one of the many larger cabins in camp, you said it to my face. "i promise this summer won't be the last time i see you" you said you would drive up to the town i live in when you came to indiana, but not you won't even text me back. i just want to tell you things, i get so excited to talk to you but you wont even heart a message. you saved my life and now you wont even text me back. im *** over it man i just wanna talk to you

i think i might be losing it lol. but like not badly but like in a way that i’m just confused. days and lile at achool has been so so much better for no reason but on the other hand like nights r so bad like not fun and not sleeping but rlly because volleyball is really weird right now idk what’s up but like it almost feels like i’ve hit that metaphorical ceiling coach is telling us to push through like im not getting any worse but i don’t see myself making any progress. and idk if it’s like lack of rest or too much thinking while i’m training or having bad nights or streak but there was a good like 2 months that i felt good and confident in my skills it was so good and now i’m stuck and back to where i was mentally when i played and idk what i’ve gotta do to fix it i love love playing sports but sometimes volleyball has more cons than benefits and it’s frustrating and it’s making me think too much when i play because i can’t move and im just like falling bc it hurts so much to move but it hurts even more when i fall and it’s im still better than where i left off last season but where i am isn’t good enough for where i wanna be but i like ain’t making much progress anymore and im losing skills that i should have and my hitting is wild and im not even hitting my freaking hand half the time and then i miss and then i think and then it’s a whole freaking cycle but man im stuck and idk what to do because it’s taking tolls atp and idk.  im tired

i cant even play my *** sport without losing my *** look at me go

i got myself to talk to someone about the mental wall i feel like ive hit when im playing my sport. they asked me 4 questions to reflect on which were who do I play for, why do I play, what are my goals and is my life balanced. 

who do i play for

originally for my dad. he wanted me to play sports and i wanted to make him happy. i do play for me and for myself to succeed but i've let the opinions of other people dictate how it works. cindy for one has changed how i play the sport and looking back i shouldnt have let that happen. she was always so worked up about how i wasn't mature enough to go play with the older girls and instead of just teaching me the times and times not to be silly, she just harped on me over and over about how i needed to be more mature. i never really learned, i took all of it to heart and over analyzed it and now i'm just quiet and sad and she thinks that what she did helped me be more mature when really she just made the sport seem like less of a fun thing than it should have. i was in 4th grade and she was telling me how i needed to be more mature. i have been letting her opinions dictate how i play and how i approach practice. i need to start playing for just me. i need to go out and have fun and have energy even on bad days, but also know when to turn that off and focus on what i need to. i need to stop playing for what cindy thinks of my personality because at the end of the day its my love for the sport and i want to love the sport and not hate it because of people telling me how to play. 

why do i play

i started playing because i had to. i had to play a sport in middle school and i ended up settling on volleyball. i play now because i want to play in high school but that has been the extent of my goals. i never have really played because it was something that i had so so much passion for, i've just kind of ended up playing the sport trying to accomplish concrete milestones. i need to play because of my love for the sport and not just to play to cross off a box. i need to stop thinking about the little goals and look more at the big picture. how do i see myself playing long term? is for those short goals really sustainable? how do i change my mindset so im playing for why i truly love the sport. i love playing and being able to clear my head when i play. when i played i used to be able to just turn my mind off and play and it was such a good experience. i need to play for that feeling of safety within my sport.

what are my goals

to play high school volleyball for at least my freshman and sophomore year. once i get past that point i need to reevaluate my values and potentially talk to the coaches for solutions my junior year. if i am really debating between camp and volleyball, does volleyball really mean that much to me? if im spending 6-7 days a week for hours every day playing a sport just for me to quit it over a trip i want to go on, how much does it really mean. i should have a conversation with coach about what it really means when i feel like this. i need to make sure im playing the sport because i love it and if the training im doing so often is setting me up for success. i need to make sure im purposeful with how i train for whatever goal i settle on. 

is my life balanced

if i were to split my life up into sections too, id end up with friends, family, volleyball and school. i spend a good amount of time with my family, we play games or watch movies or shows almost every night and go out and do things on the weekends. volleyball takes up most of my time, i end up having to cancel things with my friends so i can make it to practice. school is at the back of my mind always, i've given up on my grades because i have so much else going on. if i were to have more balance in my life, i need to spend more time doing fun things with my friends, especially ones i don't see as much and i need to make sure that school gets done so i can finish the year strong.

this sport takes up so much of my life and I'm not even sure how i want to continue. its so frustrating and makes me want to quit but i cant quit now. ive put in so much effort and i cant let it all go to waste. im talking to my coach tomorrow and im scared out of my mind.

my only job in this *** sport is to hit the god damn ball and i cant even do that anymore. i shouldn't have gotten moved up with the older kids im just bringing them right back down with me