journaling....vent, 1/15/23 anxiety / emotional while in school.
today was ok during school. I needed space from my friends today, I find that peace is very important. I usually get alot better when I have time by myself with my emotions, it lets them pass on. after a some conflicts with my friends, I've was really emotional, and im kind up charging up from it.
one thing I notice is that I still have retained emotions from the past with them. i cant seem to let them out or talk to them about it , and usually when I make a mistake that made them mad at me, i have those thoughts and past memories.
I just cant seem to pass on the conflict. im just not comfortable anymore. im not perfect. im an emotional mess at times, being at school everyday, homework and applications, i never have decent time to myself.
i dont think i want to talk to my friends about my personal conflicts with them or what they did that hurt me because i simply want to avoid any type of argument. i hate feeling emotional during any fight or arguments. i hate when voices are raised. not that anytime i do express my feelings, there is an argument, because that is not true, but im just. i dont know. i dont know what to feel. i dont want to be around my friends. its not them....its me.
im trying to improve regulating and controlling my emotions. minor inconveniences can trigger me. any type of inconvenience that i dont understand at the time trigger me. i find this happens alot during school, espically because of my compulsions. it usually builds up and I end up tired and exhausted at the end of the week.
i cant remember what could of happened to me during middle school or earlier school years, but bullying definently did not help.
as for tomorrow, im still going to be on my own during the morning and maybe during break. i need more time to process my emotional turmoil this week. i dont have time to be happy, and I dont want to rely it on my friends either...so...
@FatiCR
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a challenging time right now. It's important to recognize the value of taking space for yourself when needed, and I commend you for prioritizing your peace of mind.
It sounds like you're dealing with a mix of emotions and past experiences that are affecting your current interactions with friends. It's perfectly okay to acknowledge that you're not feeling comfortable and that you need time to process your emotions. It's also understandable that you may not want to engage in potentially argumentative conversations, especially when it comes to personal conflicts.
Taking time for self-improvement and emotional regulation is a positive step, and it's great that you're aware of the triggers that affect you. It's okay not to have all the answers or to feel uncertain about your emotions. Remember, it's a process, and you're allowed to take the time you need.
Take care, and I hope you find the time and space you need to process and recharge.