Vanlifer Nov 23rd

Day 51 of living in my car

I'm feeling another valley as far as my mood today, only 14 days until.i have housing again as logn as everything goes according to plan. I feel really really numb lately, I'm sure it'll go away as usual, but I think it's a sign that living this rough is bad for my mental health. I was excited to make a connection with a woman I liked but now I don't feel anything, I don't want to socialize with anyone anymore I think Ive been in survival mode too long. Either way as negative as it is feeling this numb the positive is nothing is bothering and everythings going according to plan, I secured my driving privileges and was able to keep my car running, I'll have to work on it possibly patch a leak or clean the spark plugs and fuel injectors, idk yet. I feel like I matured a lot but also like idk nothing that I thought mattered matters, it's weird. I don't feel very attached to anything tbh its kind of freeing but I'm not sure if this is a healthy state of mind. Maybe it is who knows? Maybe I'm just not used to focusing on myself? I think that's what it is. All that matters to me right now is getting myself safe housing I literally don't care about anything else. I think that's just me being mature and rational. You know what yeah, there's nothing negative about that I think this is just what focus feels like. I don't have any distractions. One thing I realized is my job is not safe lol, my coworkers are nuts well some of them. I get heavy squirtgun vibes if you know what I mean, someone even told a manager that there's a squirtgun threat from someone  and the manager just said yeah probably. It sucks being forced to work with nutjobs and super negative haters and racist. No wonder I'm starting to focus on me so much lol. I think this ability to cut out noise will help actually have a life worth living. I let myself go through to much pain for others benefit. I'm going to allow myself to be selfish from now on out.