TW things about abuse in this thread and other thing that might be triggering

this week has brought memories of when we was losing our kids. as it was the oldest one birthday of the 14th of jan. so we not seen her since she was 8yr and she was 29yr  on jan 14th it was hard from night of 13th and all day the 14th. even now it hard but doing better.

the crap with our one friend and her not getting that we need space and was not up to talking on the phone with her. we explained why too.  but then about 1 hour after we told her that she texts can we call you  now. this really made us mad. she not get at times we just need space. she even at times has  threatened to call a well check on us due. we had only not answers  the  phone for two days. so it was not that long at all. so we kinda was with her very upset she still not get it.

even when we did talk the next day. she did not ask how we was as far  as about our kids birthday. she went into stupid stuff about others  members at club. she was talking about her kinda boyfriend and his stuff. then when we started talking about us she said she had to go she had a few things to do before bed. so it was just her not wanting to talk about our stuff. this happens a lot. but we only have two friends  offline we talk to much. so kinda not want to just tell her we can longer be friends.  also that make it hard when we go to the mental health club. as she goes almost everyday and fits in well there so her get others to not talk to us too. most at club acted like kids in middle school. but they all adults we  not go much for that reason and it hard on us physically.

this issue been going on long time she also say if she not  want to talk about something that she not want to go there. so she does that with even very important things. like risk of health things she going to have done. then she talks about others who do know risk and looked into it. but then  run into trouble getting help after having the medical  thing done. but that a lot of times is a misunderstanding between person and place they was going to get the after care.  mostly due to insurance  issue. we even had that issue before, it common.

right now still upset at her and have told her too. she still not get it at all. this also brings back memories of not  being heard and not being seen. so it hard we are limited how often we answer her phone calls. she call many times a day her records  is 20 times in one day. sometime if not answer she call like 15 min later and keep doing that. we put phone on mute  before too. we set boundaries with her she get mad about it but we not change them.

we know she got mental health issues to say bipolar and anxiety. but way she acts it to us more  like borderline personality disorder, but place here said she did not have it after crises center said she did. she goes that the cries center was wrong. but her actions say  different. so we limiting connected with her more and more. she cling to us seems too.

another hard day it 3am we still up. people ask how we are we just say most times ok. even when we are doing bad ok mean most the time we just not know what today or how to explain how we doing. smile even when in  pain. now that the feeling been starting to be felt. we  been getting flood at  times with emotions. trying not to cry as big girl not to cry. even told that at 6yr so now we way bigger so not  to give into the feelings. but again tonight we struggling.

big trigger warning talk of SA

so for tonight things coming back like a flood with emotion connected to them.

thought we try to write here what going on maybe it will help. as we not want to trigger others in chat. beside the messages might not even post here not sure. not even sure if others here who have SA in their past. many do not talk about it much. due to others get upset with things like this. many say that it does not happen any more say us who claim we had it. are lying that it can not be true. but it true it awful to live within. our was not as bad as many others has bee. due to our was by group of boys. that had a s@tanic  bible they took from school library. yes they used it to hurt us and was awful. the memories come flooding back this has happened before but this time emotions connected to them to point we feel sick with them. seem it not to be talked about due to what others believe about this type of abuse. but it real happens every day.

the things right now that happened we can not get out of our head. how can people be so evil and acted in that way. do they not have feelings for others. do thing think it feel good to hurt others does it make them feel strong over the weak in their mind wish we know the answers to them questions but we do not

anger  is flooding us right now but other feeling too  but not sure what they be but they hurt deeply make us feel sick. the body remembers the things done to it also. so it connecting it all right now not just seeing what happened but feeling it and the emotions connected too it can even smell things from when they done this stuff too us

so often  we heard if you would not have did this they would not have hurt you. like how a 3yr old to know wearing a sundress her mom made her would end up with her brother  playing doctor with her. he the one who took our  underwear off and looked at the place it covered. he the one who kelp doing that then touching and putting things within us.  he the older one yes only 4 years older. he hide this so he know better even if they say he did not. they  say well he has brain damage  they use that as a excuse for his actions. but if he know no better then why did he hide it and threaten us if we told. after a time he told us that seeing we had allowed it to go on so long we was the one they would blame. so we thought we was the guilty one. the years passed it got worst and worst. he had other boys join  in on this. also other girls they did all this to too.

we keep thinking were was all the parents why did not one see what was going on. then we think  they saw it all did nothing about it as boys will be boys. we heard that so much growing up. we also was told obey your brothers they your elders. no tatatailing on them as that not right to do. then when years later we got brave told mom she did nothing. now she say we never told her and if we had she would have stopped it. but we did tell her we remember even were too.

but as a adult we told her again she tell us seeing they was not adults that it was only child's sexual play nothing more. we as we asked others  questions they say it was sexual abuse. yes kids will look at each other naked but they not touch put things in the others and they not put their private  part within the other child. we feel shame and guilt we feel betrayed  also a feeling that we was worthless due to being a girl. as we also heard  most our life girls are only good for sex having babies severing there  men and keeping house. that our job to make  males happy.

so much abuse  within just this one thing but then add all the other stuff did to us.

we ask why are we still alive

why are we not insane

why is it as if other blame us and not the boys

why are we worth less then the boys

so many answered  questions for us

but mom did admit  few years ago about a lot of the abuse in our childhood. then she made excuses for all it her last statement being a excuse for her own actions and lack of actions. it was " i did the best with what i had." but that not take the pain away that not make up for everything we lost in our childhood at all. it just dismissing everything trying to save herself from the things to come in the after life. yes she admitted  them at last but due to fear of what to come. she old now and has health issues so she know she not   go long until she pass.

she wants to believe she did her best but we know she did not. we even think she know that too.





kinda had it as feeling bad having a battle trying to not SH with the flooding of emotions   then feeling dismissed by a comment in chat. to me it was  kinda saying you want attention and well like dismissing what we going through with starting to feel emotions again as it been hard we been getting flood with emotions we not use to having due to being numb almost all our life so yes struggling a lot too then to have some one making comment seem like  your alway struggling felt really awful to us as it was dismissive  to how we was feeling they askes how we was we said bad as in not having a good day they did not ask why just made a off remark that was seem like  your always stuggling  so why be honest if a person going to say that been told to be honest asked to be honest but this what we get when we be honest so ask why be honest just say ok or fine

we do not trust easy at all but been risking trusting right  now feel like we should not fel like we should just give in and numb the pain the feeling everything as the  remark hurt even if was not met that way but think  it was so freaking out  right now but who cares

yesterday best friend who asked us to sign up to go on outing to goodwill eat out and mall we said we would even with being unsure how it make us feel physically  as we thought she wanted us to go to spend time with her as it been long time since we been able to go to club so we said yes to going

well yesterday was trip to big city to goodwill and mall but she did not spend any of the time with us she at place we eat sat way away from us with others then at mall she went off leaving us alone to be with another friend so no one went with us at all we spent almost all the time at mall alone this upset us and put us in physical  danger of falling due to our health issues if we know she was going to be like this we would not have went  after she asked us to go

today we could hardly walk this morning we was unable to go to church have spent most the day in bed good thing desktop computer on table next to bed so can be online we came on  reaching out for help support so we could fight the SH  thought  but now feel worst like we a burden to others even here like we not worst supporting due to we been stugling a lot even with being we tryed to help support others and  even help them when we could so off comment like that hurts a lot

still fighting wanting to self harm but who care we went in trauma  support room to give and get support but was made to feel bad due to we been struggling a lot thought that what 7cups was for supporting each other but hurt more  again

sorry angry upset and feeling rejected make to feel we not worth supporting too

 some see birthdays as being fun and joyful that not how we see them at all. growing up morning of our birthday we be woken with  parents giving us what they called a birthday spanken. this was more for us a birthday beating as it was not fun at all. this was to be not a bad thing but a funny thing in most households. was to be more like a light tap on butt for each year one light tap. but that was not the case in our family. so we came to fear this and the pinch to grow on.  as it all hurt deeply. then our two older brothers would do same to us too.

oldest brother each year from time of about 4yr up. he take a gift from us. saying it was a gift to us. this would be something sexual. at first just a sexual touching. but after the gang rape at Christmas time that changed. for our 8th birthday until our 10th birthday he would find away to get us alone and rape us. we remember trying to avoid  him and being alone with him. but seem he always found away to do this to us. if not on our birthday the weekend before or weekend after our birthday. sometimes other brother would do the same. sometimes the other boys would find away to do same. they all laugh  and say this a gift to you so enjoy this. we never enjoy it at all.

when we got married our hubby would not get us anything for our birthday at all. he  acted like it was just another day. but at times our kids would give us hand made cards and sometimes something small. our mom was behind the small gifts we later found out. but after we lost the kids that all stopped too.

so not get us wrong our parents when we was a kid got us a gift and we had cake and at times ice cream at dinner time. as a teen the youth group  we was in did something special  for our birthday too. after we moved away from family. for our 50th birthday a good friend found out we had never had a birthday party with friends alone. so she throw us one with a few friends. a very nice dinner she cooked and cake and ice cream. they each got us a gift too. was the most wonderful birthday we had ever had. no pain, no avoiding anyone at all. just friends and a good time. this has only happened one time in our life but was very special  to us all.

so memories of birthday past have us having nightmares and flashbacks again. but we trying to change how we think about  our  birthdays too. but it hard when your having nightmares that seem so real and flashbacks that make it seem like them things happening again too.

our birthday feb. 9th this year we will be 55yr that seem so old to us. due to we never thought we live this long at all. we remember thinking that we never make it to 13yr when we was in  the  worst of our childhood abuse. as it was like they was trying to k#lll us. the satanic abuse was the worst of the abuse was from age 8yr to almost age 11yr. we had people say well that really was not very long. but they did not live it as we did. think the worst birthday within the abuse was year we turned 9yr as it was very dark and cruel  one. full of sexual and spiritual abuse. seem like a nightmare but was very real.

so this what we keep having flashbacks and nightmares about due to birthdays gone past too. the nightmares and flashbacks seem so real like they happening now. the fear still there even after so many years being not in that type of abuse  for  our birthday too.

others seem to not get how our birthdays were and how that still effects us greatly. we been told it should no longer affected you. that it in the past leave it there.  forgive and forget it all. truth is we tryed to forget what has in passed happened on our birthday, but truth is we can not forget this all. due to the memories, flashbacks and nightmares still there but also is the emotions that now connected to all the things done to us as a child teen and adult.