TW things about abuse in this thread and other thing that might be triggering

lost within a dark pit. but see a light within it. there hope arising  within. we are safe at last away from them who abused us. they seem to not care about what they did to us. they even claim  it never happened or that we making it what it really was not. sometime they even blame us for what happened too. like if we did not dress as we did they not have touched us in the way they did. they sometime make excuses for the other abusers. like saying they did not know better. they say the others were only kids too, as some of them that abused us were kids but older kids then us. yes some were adults too. we not know why we had so many abusers either.  maybe we had a sigh on us that say we been abused before. so they see that think it ok to abuses us as we already been abused before.

what do you do when your own family' the ones that were abusing you. others say honer and obey the ones older then you within your family. they say not to talk badly about your parents'  too. so it not ok to say how they hurt you and used you to please  them to get what they thought they needed.  we was only a young child so we was not ready to feel sexual things at all. to have our body feel them ways. we did not  understand what was  happening with in our body at all.

now that we have adult body we keep thing why did this happen to us. why did they hurt us in them ways. did we deserve  it . was it us that there was something wrong with. many other thought come   to us. yes we  doing hard healing work, but still them questions and more come up a lot.

other say to sure them but when we do they not believe us. they say no one could live though that and not be dead or insane. so they say no way that it could have happened to us. they dismiss us or worst say we only saying it to get attention and  pity. so question here is do we open up to others again and will they believe us will they  hear us and see us in away that not say something wrong with us. thoughts and questions within us. are we safe to talk and be our self. are we free to talk and say the secret  within us. are we believed here and do we have rights here to be us.

just feel like things in life move at times to fast and other times to slow. the time within each time i was raped and used as a child. them times seemed when happening like they was within  slow motion. but the pain and feelings within them times seemed like they was fast moving so fast that we had to shut off the feelings.  now a lot of the times we see the memory even feel it at times within same place we was hurt at. but it seem not connected to emotions most the time. but still others even train mental health works not get that. they say how can you talk about that and not show feelings about what happened in the memory. then they say how did you feel about that or how do you feel now about that. we can not label the emotions we felt at the time or even now about what happened. for us to keep being asked is in away hurtful seeing we do not know do not connected the memories to any emotions. we know we must have felt some emotions within the abusive acts when they was done. but we can not see connections there

when we was young we say how we felt then told we really was not feeling that why. then told how we was feeling.  so we feel stupid due to we can not label  how we feeling most the time. also can not label  feeling we had within the abuse. we even had some couclors  get mad at us for not being able to label  the emotions we was having.

this has only made our fear of not being listened to worst and at times we just shut down even when others truly trying to help us.  most times we not even ask for help never have been able to ask right out for help even when we dearly needed help

seem like we keep isolating  self from others for days. we know it related to time of year and holidays  too. we try to change how  we think about them and do new things within them. but at times the flashbacks still come hit us hard.

not sure if this ok to posted but do have trigger warning on thread

the big one keeps coming up is when i was 7yr almost 8yr old. mom babysited other peoples kids but left me with my brothers who at time were 10yr and 12yr  had just had their birthdays. it was Christmas  break a time we did not like at all. but this time was worst and a start to worst sexual abuse for us. mom left for work to go take care of other people kids. my two brothers and a friend of theirs was at the house. they touched me many times in a sexual way but never before did what happened that day. the told me to go into their  bedroom i was to obey them that what parents said.

it started out like other times but then the 3 of them tied  me to the bed and the  each went into me one after the other. found out years later this would be seeen as gang rape. after they was done my oldest brother put me in a very hot bath. then used water bottle full of hot water to wash me out. he said it would keep me from bleeding so no one would know what they did. threated me if we told he kill mom and make us suffer more. at that time we do anything to keep mom safe emotionally. after that he put me to bed gave me something to make us sleep.

when mom got home they told her we been sick and was sleeping she did not check on us. next morning we still was sleeping when she left she did not check on us at all.   so never saw us until she got home that day. dad was working he left way early did not get home until after 6pm. so he really know nothing of the  sexual abuse by the boys.

we feel shame and even keep  thinking we must have  did something  for them to hurt us like that too. this was start of his type of abuse and worst stuff. this what keep coming up last few days again  over and over we see what  they did to us

not sure we should be so  trusting but  maybe i will help in some way. we feel so alone in this due to it was our brothers who did his to us

today been a good day mostly as was out with my home aid did some shopping. home aid became a friend to us. that good we think at this point but it hard to take the risk to allow another within our walls. some within are very scared that we get to know her better and something will happen then she will leave us. but other feel it worth the risk and well it could work out in the end.

so this all kinda triggered some of us. as we lost our first best friend  at age 10yr. she was also abused we share with each other what was happening to us. but we know we be hurt more if we told others. we meet in headstart (preschool) she was 3yr and we was 4yr so up until she was murdered we was best friends. we still angry at the court where we lived as her parents had went to court and he dad win custy of the kids. but the court said they was to stay with their mom until school was out for summer. their mom had said over and over that their dad would never get them. she kill them before letting him have them.  so Friday we said bye to  her and see her on Monday. we only had 3 more days of school left.  she was excited as her mom had said they go to drive in that Friday night. but her mom had a bad plan in that. from what we read in newspaper Monday morning before school. normally we did not read newspaper  but on front of  it was a photo of my friends home. so picked it up and started reading it.  was a very sad day for me as we lost our best friend at the hands of her own mom. she took them to drive in and they believe she drugged them. then drove home parked car in garage  running. only the oldest one some how got out she tryed to get other two girls out. she then when she could not went into house to call someone to get help. but she passed out  inside the door in kitchen. later when she woke up she called cops from what we been told.

harder part is that Monday when we went to school only 3 know what happened. we was pulled aside told not to tell anyone what happened. the teacher told the class that we went to her dad's to live.  so in that we thought no one cared she did not matter. we thought do we matter could one of our parents do that to us.

so we still grieve the lost of her to die that way at only 9yr.  my  parents when we tried to talk to them about her. they just said she gone no one can bring her back. get over it and move on.  still can not get why one would say that to a 10yr old child.

out of all the crap we been through we think that was the hardest of all.

grrrr yesterday and now today worried as got hacked and some one got in to checking account looks like they took all but 19 dollars we hoping it pending and can stillll stop it from being taken out but  can not call credit union until they open today. been up all night due to very very triggered and upset too.

we was taught not to cry  but been crying as just got payed so need the money to cover bills we not payed yet also to buy stuff for my cat. she got food but she need more litter. so freaking out. think  also due to money things when married so it is triggering us too

my now ex hubby when we was first together  e give me some money for our kid diapers etc. but then he spend rest of money. so at times not all our bills got payed. but in end we took over the checking account money. but he see amount in account and take money out. but there be outstanding' checks so  they bounce at times. so this that going on very triggering to us too.

hope as soon as they open can find out what happened and we hoping the money still in account not been fully taken out but pending as ten it can be stopped and we will not lose  the money

not fully sure why we freaking out so badly. as most the time we not freak out about anything.

so we see what happens as soon as we can call credit union

space within the chaos  that we grow  up in. seems the memories come flooding back at times.but to us they come back so they can be healed. but that hard work one must do too. why is it many only seek being told that awful. i sorry that happened to you. but then they unwilling to do the healing work. so they stay stuck within the nightmare. yes healing  work hard to do.  yes it will not be all done at one time either. not long ago had another Christian  tell me that the  alters were demons and needed casting out. same  person said seeing i have the alters i must not be saved. this was very hurtful to many of the alters within.  to not be seen as real to be treated as if they was evil.

we see the alters as gifts from God. a shattered soul in our belief. broken so that we could get through all that was happening to us. this  kelp us  alive and insane  too. as what happened for so many years one would think we be dead  or crazy. but due to the gift of being able to split into alters becoming more then just one. we was blessed with life even within the abuse.

yes at times we gave up even tried to end our life many times. the self harm was very bad at times. but we still here even with many near deaths too.  truth is we not want pity and others trying to fix us. we just seek help  in healing and to be heard supported. seem like most our  life we been  a outcast not fitting in at all. some seem to think no one can survive  what we said we have. they seem to think it was to awfully  so no one could live though it all.

but they not see that within us as the system. we each handled different  things within our life. this kelp the abuse isolated in away so that none of us at the time of the able know all that was happening. when i started hearing the others with in. i  was scared i was going crazy. as  was hearing voices in my head. but soon the voices were connected to memorizes  i had not had before. explained to me over time each one of them jobs and what parts of my life they each held. it still amazing to me even. but  the others within saved my life. as we  heal some of the alters blend into each other. but others blend into me. when they fully healed come to peace with that. most of them will blend into others. so have less alters now then  when we started the hard healing work.

the healing journey  maybe long but fully worth doing the healing work.

trigger warning

having hard time as when young christmas break, from school was full of sexual abuse. remember first time they went all the way in us with private  part. we was only 7yr would be 8yr in feb. they normally only touched us with hands. but this time was different. remember them tying us to brothers  bed as it had  bed polls on it. did not know what was to come as normally they did not do this. at first that day was with hands. but then they all took off pants. this was odd to us as we did not know much about sex only what they had told us and did to us.

we remember one of them saying is she wet enough. our oldest brother said yes and him and his friend were going who going first. some how they decided. not even sure how. but oldest brother got above us and remember feeling something in us but really not understanding what it was. we felt pain and also other stuff. then after he was done their friend did it to us. our other brother did not want to do this to us. but in end did.  remember confusion about it and well shame too. after they was done. brother put us in hot very hot bath and put hot water into us. us his friend said that would make  us bleed less and well mom would  see it. then he gave us a little blue pill. mom took them that all we know. he put us to bed we went to sleep.

we angry at mom was she left us alone with them. so she could take care of other people kids for money. she did not really have to do that as dad made good money. yes he was penny pinscher, but we had what we needed. she came home and brothers said we was  sick. she never checked on us at all. next morning we was still sleeping when she lerft she did not check on us at all. what kind of mom does not check on their kid when they sleep that long. just not get that at all to this day we feel great shame over this and all the sexual abuse. that was the start of many years of that. but it started with hands at 3yr went until around 11 or 12yr. every time school was out this was what happened. mom we know  did know about it in time but never stopped it. dad we believe  did not really know what was going on. he worked a lot and really was not around much at all.

we did not really understand it was abuse until years later. due to dad did it to mom and she was raised in abuse never really got help. think that why she did not stop boys from doing it to us.

found out years later that what they did was seen as gang rape and lots of other even evil stuff they did to us. we not really  talk about the other stuff much. fear kelp us from telling on them. threats and well other stuff was done to keep us quiet. we was not the only girl they did this too.

feeling coming up this week we no longer numb emotionally we really not sure how to handle the emotions in healthy way. trying to not numb in unhealthy ways too.

even after years of doing hard healing work. feeling the emotions that connected to this all is new to us. only not been emotionally numb for few years. shame, anger, gilt, confusion, sadness, all hitting us hard this year. we been self harm free for about 4yrs we believe. but the thoughts keep coming up about that too. we have good coping skills. but find it hard not to try to numb the emotional pain as we did for many years. we see our offline counselor on this coming Friday too.

hope was ok to share all this as it were we at right now. not get why the flashbacks so bad  this year as last few years they not been like this.

trigger warning

our mind keep thinking remembering things of long ago. seem we can not shut off the floodgates of emotion  coming. we have remembered  before the things that happened, but now more and more when the memories come we feeling emotions connected to them. may of the emotions are deeper then ever before. feeling the emotions  connected to  the abuse is hard. how does one not feel hurt all over again when remembering *** of childhood.

one of the memories  that starting to have emoticons  connected to it is the gang rape that was the first time they went into us. we remembered it many  times, but not felt the emotions  connected to it.  just was numb to them. this last 2 weeks when we was a child at age 7yr almost 8yr. was when the 3 boys gang raped us in our own home. in my brothers bedroom.  how am we to feel with this. anger easy to feel for us as it always been acceptable  even within our family. but we been told anger covers up other emotions.  last few days we been kinda feeling below the anger. this new to us so we labeling the emotions what we think they be.

shame the first one seem to be there. it like we shameful for what happened. like feel we did something to make them feel like doing that all to us. did we dress wrong or say words they took to be sexual. did we smell in away that attracted then to us. we seem to think was our fault. like what did we do to have this happen to us. what we guiltily  of in this all.

mom when we told her after we was adult said it was just child sexual play was not abuse. she said due to oldest one was only 4 years older. she stated kids want to learn what different  between boy and girl. so was it abuse or us over reacting. we know was abuse and know they hurt us a lot. but we also angry at mom as she left us in the care of older brothers. who had physically  hurt us in other ways even before the sexual stuff. why was other kids more important then us. she spent many hours with other peoples kids. yes she got payed to take care of them by their parents. but she spent lots of that money on them kids. was we so bad that our mom wanted to escape  us and be with other kids. so the anger we believe might be hiding the sadness and frustration too. as we have asked her about this she say to us that she took care of the other kids. so she have money to get us stuff seeing dad was penny pincer. but is not keeping ones kids safe more important then money.

we think why did she not take us with her seeing we was only girl she had. did we do something to make her give up on us. she know about the abuse sexually but even after she know she did not save us. left us in their care we was to obey them seeing they was our elders. we was not to be a tataltail either.  so we was to have no voice just to be a thing to them all. we was not a person to them but just a toy. a toy to be as they wanted to use. so we feel awful shameful hurt sad confused bewildered and much more. but no one really cares they tell s move on do not live in the pasted get over it grow up. but they flashbacks come the body memories come and now emotions coming like a floodgates  have been opened. we not want to go back to self harm and numbing emotions. that will only make things worst. we know that too. not sure what to do anymore. we have a counselor, but had many over the years but then they leave community mental health and we given a new one. so what the point of trusting them as they just leave like all the others have over the years.

so find we at a crossroad right now will we turn the right way or the wrong way we do not know at this point. we good at helping others but not good at asking others for help. we was taught  to trust no one not even self. feel like we breaking many rules even writing this.

this kinda say it all we trapped within the center the empty space but light all around us. we feel stupid we got triggered in chat tonight in sharing circle. we feel bad about it we said we could not share or they get us but we know they  can not. they said if we told they get us even if they was dead.  a time in childhood the boys formed a group  called  it brotherhood. they got bad satiric  bible in school library  but no real bibles were allowed in library. they read it and started doing things in it to us and animals other girls too. they make us lay in a circle on the star with circle at each point and body parts had to be layed on it in away too  bad evil things they did to us there some sexual others with blood. we not to tell the secrets  at all. but if we write them we not voicing them with our voice so maybe that ok.

people are always asking why we uses we and us they not get we many it feels like no one understands or gets why we many. we know we  bad at grammar  and using right words to label emotions. we working on all that but it be very hard. we started self harming even as a baby we bite self pull handfuls of hair out hit head on wall or crib. they did not care just yelled at us. we raised our self in many ways with in *** as a home. but we kelp our faith tried to see good even within abuse.

we still look for the blessings in everything  as when one does that they stay ground in Christ if a believer. but we have many triggers and flashbacks still at times even after doing lots of healing work.  but we keep taking one step at a time. all we can do on this healing journey. but wish others understood about our system  and why we all here within one body.  it hard to be this way but we see the good in it too.