Rain’s Space ☔️

25/05/23

life.. you know when you think about it, it’s kind of a sad thing. You don’t get a choice, it’s a lot that’s handed to you.A unique situation, a space in time and in the world that only you will ever occupy. It may be the best lot available, it may be the worst.. who cares? What does it matter?

Life is like being forced to eat a bowl of something unappetizing when you aren’t hungry. The bowl is placed in front of you and everyone’s telling you to eat. You don’t want to eat, you didn’t choose this.. and still everyone’s telling you how awesome and delicious this dish, and yet you could care less. You’re just tired of being told you should be enjoying something, when it isn’t fun for you at all.

(rain what the *** are you doing 😭)

26/05/23

well… rain.. fancy meeting you here. 😮

how are you?

im fine… ok?

F **ked up

i nsecure

n eurotic

e mpty.

There.. i said it. big step for me, even in just a journal. you can bet i would still lie if you asked me, but.. oh well, progress ^^

why do i write this..? nobody should have to read this. no, not a soul. but some people have seen through the lies, and it’s not fair to pretend that I’m on seven cups for all fun and games. no, I’m a human and i have problems.

if I don’t admit this somewhere, I’m going to forget. I’m going to put a blanket of haziness on the *** im going through and be utterly wrecked when the blanket is ripped away.

I want a break. from my head. from it all. this is up to me- i can get pushed into things if I don’t put up boundaries, but ultimately I am responsible for the choices I make now. i need to get better- to find a way to heal from this. because this. isn’t . working. Im not normal, I’m not a functional human being. running and running and running but I can’t escape. this is me- all that I have.. if I don’t care about me, there will be no one to care. this is too much.. lots to think about ^^

27/05/23

so much we could say, and yet it’s of no importance. it doesn’t matter.. nothing matters, nothing will change.

“It’s so strange that autumn is so beautiful; yet everything is dying.”

-unknown

28/05/23

what to say? there’s so much I could say, and yet I wonder if I should say any of it. everyone hates me.. I lie all the time and they know it. I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine.. I wonder, if I said it enough; could it come true? it’s a lie.. an obvious off putting lie to people who actually care; and yes rain, there are a few. and yet I sabotage myself by pushing everyone away.

I hate me. I’m. So. Sick. Of. Myself. stupid stupid stupid.. you can’t fool anyone and you know it. I have problems… so many of them. I could spend eternity fixing all of them, and never completely fix them.. ugh. I hate thinking

29/05/23

so tomorrow will make this journal like two weeks old, huh..? that’s cool.

what do i do here? I’m on a self help site and I can’t seem to help myself, and can’t seem to help others. i feel like a fraud when people say I help them.. oh well, doesn’t matter. maybe I’ve helped.. just one person.. that would be nice ^^

why can’t I believe what people tell me about myself..? it feels so wrong, like I’ve tricked them into believing something untrue about me. 🙂

I actually might be going insane.. fun! 😃

30/05/23

~tw~~~ ✨

hey.. can i share with you the saddest thought I’ve been having lately..? It’s that I myself might be the only person I can’t ever outrun. Running away is fun.. it’s a cowardly gesture, sure, but who actually wants to just sit with their problems..? With themselves..?

Maybe that’s why I ended up abusing the “alternative coping mechanisms “ I’ve been given.. the fault isn’t with them, it’s with me. The truth is that I don’t want this- and I’m trapped. There’s no escape from this.. I. can’t. get. out.

no amount of self injury will break through the numbness or take away the anxiety.. it might temporarily relieve it, but I. can’t. escape. the panic always comes back; the triggers are all around, where you’d least expect them. no amount of obsessive exercise or fasting will make me love myself. i hate this person, and. I’m. trapped. with. them. no amount of stimulant will lift the heaviness off me, or brighten the grayness. i. can’t. get. away. 🙂

stucky stuck mhmm.. ✨ I’ll always be a coward, always let people down. I’ll never get better than this… because this is what I am- I can’t escape.this is the person who caused all this, this is the monster I’ve tried to outrun. why can’t I run..? I’m stuck here… and. i. can’t. escape. 😊

31/05/23

hmm.. feelings are weird, you know.. I don’t understand them; and i don’t like them either. but then again feeling nothing at all isn’t much fun at all.

it feels like there’s a band around my chest.. every time something happens it gets tighter. one of these days it’s going to completely snap; sometimes I think I’m going to completely snap.. nothing to look forward to about that ✨ nothing to look forward to at all, actually

01/06:23

happy pride month. yayyy! don’t have any pride though; I don’t even know who I am, or who I want to be. how do I fix this mess? Like- please tell me; I read about an interesting theory in psychology.. something about the hypothesis that we will experience emotional turmoil if our self concept and our ideal self concepts are too far apart.

well? who am I? I’m a mess, I know that… I’m a failure, I get told that again and again.. but also? I’m enough.. some people say that I’m enough as I am.. and i wonder, why is that..? I don’t understand… i guess though, that this is my call. there are different voices around me and Im going to have to choose one to listen to..

screw me, bro

02/06/23

i got my mobile service contract extended without any issues. that’s nice.. having the cups app is really very convenient.

im tired. 🙂 amidst everything else I could say, all of the elegant words, im tired seems the most fitting. it says so little in itself and yet it can have so much behind it. it’s up to interpretation, really..and to think, I slept last night 0:. maybe not that much, but sleeping is better than not sleeping, right..?

😝 nope.. no, i don’t think so. i can forget that I need it unless I sleep a little; then, my body just craves more. not doing that again though.. I should, I suppose… but idk how much more of the nightmares i can take. buuut then again, I think I found my limit a while back. idk how I’m still doing this.. 🤷‍♀️ rain, you have ✨ issues ✨.

03/06/23

( t w)~~~~~

nothing matters much, does it? so insignificant and far away it seems,.. Im having some difficulty staying grounded today. couldn’t really tell you why.. idk.. I feel so light that I could float away, and yet my chest is so heavy that I could just stop breathing. i feel things; my muscles are sore and my eyes burn and yet I really don’t care. it doesn’t matter.. I feel dead inside, but my central nervous system is awake with the gentle buzz of caffeine.

i can’t stop thinking about all the things that could happen; all the things that have already and have yet to go wrong. but they’re distant from me.. I’m distant.. I feel disconnected from my body on a whole new level. am i going crazy..? no.. it’s fine, I’m fine ∩^ω^∩