Rain’s Space ☔️
hello, I’m Rain and I plan to use this space to vent a bit, as I have doubts that my physical journal will remain as secretive as I’d like it to.
Trigger warning (e.d., s.h. et. cetera) from here on out. Feel free to say hi if we know each other, but pls don’t spam, and don’t be alarmed as this is just me venting.
16/05/23
Really dreading next week; I’ll have to tell my parents that, once again, I let them down. I have always gotten A’s.. so even though b’s aren’t the worst grade ever, to get two of them, two sub par grades, will be like a slap in the face.
A couple people have told me that I’m too hard on myself, and that my parents will always love me and be proud of me. This makes me laugh- people can be so bipolar personality wise. Just because a family has it together on the outside doesn’t mean it’s a loving or safe place to live. I’ve very nearly gotten in trouble for getting an A- on a college paper, so what do you think two b’s will mean for me?
Not only have I let my parents down, but I have disappointed myself as well. All the nights I didn’t sleep, all the times I said I was fine, and every hurdle I’ve jumped: for nothing now.. this is my record for life; I have lowered my college gpa before even leaving high school.
With every choice others make for me, my mental health gets worse. I’m never good enough, could never be strong enough, won’t do enough to gain love. You laugh at my indecisiveness, and furrow your brow at my subzero self esteem. Yet, you try to choose my life for me.. you bully me into submission and prove to me that I’ll always be a coward and a nobody.
17/05/23
you would have though that our brains would have a more foolproof design.. Im thinking that it would be easier to live without one, in fact! 😃
for real though, why am I like this? How could I have managed to be such a defective program? I’m just getting a tiny bit tired of it all.. I hate the gruesome images my brain produces. I dislike all the clutter and noise of my own thoughts. Tired of all the panic and being on edge about everything. Sick of overthinking every problem and trying to fix the situations that I know nothing about. Done with the heaviness and with feeling like a shell of my self.
Tired of remembering; the pictures I try to delete from my mind seem to pop up just when I’ve thought i was forgetting. My brain seems to be like a defective camera, drawn to taking dark pictures that will ultimately lead to its demise. The mental pictures I take seem to corrode my mind and eat at me from the inside.
Tired of the darkness; no need to pretend it doesn’t exist! I can lie, or try to hide it away, but ultimately it pushes everyone away. You asked me how I am, but you didn’t really want to know.. and I don’t blame you. Sometimes, there’s just too much ugliness to find any beauty.
17/05/23
I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in the body of the person I hate the most, and I need to change some things because I can’t keep living like this.
I truly am working toward better self care habits.. but having significant trouble working toward care, and not control. I can force myself to skip sugar and carbs, push myself to spend hours at the gym. But at the end of the day, it seems like nothing changes.. I hate the person that I am.
I’m starting to realize that no matter how I change my physical appearance, I’ll never love this person unless I fix the problems in my head. Although, how to do this? I’ve been told I was ugly so many times, manipulated into changing myself quite a lot.. and yet, even I myself repeat and believe these things.
I want to learn to eat over 200 calories without feeling guilty; to go to the gym for self improvement and not just for a sense of control. Nothing is enough to satisfy the greed of my mind.. the desire to reach a personal low. Tell me rain, when did you start basing your self worth on numbers? are you happy, rain? happy that there seems to be less of you every day?
You said you would stop, Rain.. 10 lbs ago. And yet here you are, and it’s not enough. You don’t see any beauty in yourself, not in any part of you.. you’re still the wreck you always were, rain. You’re almost underweight.. did it need to get to this point, really? Has it made you feel better? Let me answer this one please.. no, it hasn’t.. you don’t feel better. You’re done with all of this, rain.. getting to this point hasn’t fixed your mental state.. arguably you’re worse off than before. Rain? You need to stop this.. do better, try harder.. otherwise, you’re going to end up in a hospital somewhere, and you definitely won’t have control then.
18/05/23
running.. always running. Running away, running in circles. I’m getting tired of circles; I want to get somewhere. And this isn’t just a normal loop per say; this seems more like a spiral that leads down. Yup, that’s me- can’t even manage to stay where I am.
im trying to find hope, I’m looking for light. I’m losing more of the ground I conquered previously.. even hope seems to be hiding now. All I see is shadows.. shadows of what was, of what’s never going to be. Faint whispers of the things that are gone forever.
My brain is so loud.. everything is so loud. I didn’t choose this, didn’t ask for this, don’t want this. But can’t change anything, and I can’t fix it. So, cheers to life I guess 💪🏼
19/05/23 *heavy trigger warning*
I wish i could see into my brain to figure out what the actual *** happened up there. xD Whatever it was though, im guessing it was my fault. When did this start? I can’t even remember.. is this who I am now? Im only 15, and I don’t have much of a history to compare to. But im different; they’re right, I have changed.
I used to be an extrovert, I was able to feel before- to feel happiness, to cry, to laugh. When did I become so cold? When did I decide that my body wasn’t good enough? For a long time it’s been this way; so long that im not even sure when it started. It’s gotten worse though.. so much worse. I’ve gotten lower than I thought was possible. And yet now I know that there’s always a deeper fall waiting.
When did I become so morally conflicted? When did I start learning to lie? In real life, I am now a skilled and practiced liar 😎. How did I first think of self injury as a coping mechanism? That sounds so messed up to think about, but it’s a valid question I have. Contrary to what the people around me think, it wasn’t from social media.. I didn’t hardly know what social media was. I was eight years old, and I couldn’t cope.. I asked for help back then.. but nobody heard me.
Since then, it’s become harder to ask for help. I used to want help; I tried to help myself even. But what’s the use? I just frustrate people when their suggestions don’t work.. i can’t even help myself. I can’t help anyone else either- you say you need me? Well you did the same destructive *** when I was right beside you. You tried to end your life in my presence.. you don’t need me, and I can’t save you. I can’t save me.. I’m beyond redemption, aren’t I?
Lol I’m so sorry if you’re still reading this.. please, you could find so much better *** to do with your time. But yep, I’m sorry.. I’ve failed again and again and here I am beyond even trying to fix things.
20/05/23
dang it.. so much social interaction that I want nothing to do with. so many things to do, and I don’t feel like I have energy to do any of them. oh well though, not my choice to make : )
there’s so much hurt in the world, so much hate, so much trouble. i feel like we’re just standing here smiling as the world goes down in flames around us. everything burning to ashes, nothing left for us.
21/05/23
hey hi hello. It’s me again, it’s always me isnt it 😃. anyway, no fancy wording here, no word pictures ( well, maybe a couple). I’m just saying, I’m struggling. that’s it. I could leave it there- the real ones know.. I’ve talked to people about it.
How am I? why am I struggling? idek.. it’s the same old with me. I feel depressed, I have intrusive thoughts, I’m ✨ lowkey ✨ done with life sometimes, I hate myself, et cetera. this isn’t new.. it doesn’t seem to change. why hasn’t everyone given up on me yet? i can’t understand… anything at all. i feel like I’m in the dark about a lot of things, actually.
Im trying to heal from this.. trying to be a better, stronger person. I’m practicing positive thinking, or trying anyway..I can entertain thoughts of my accomplishments for about three seconds before my brain is convinced that it’s an illusion. that it’s some *** mistake ppl made in seeing me.
People on here say that they’re proud of me.. why? for existing? there are eight billion people who exist as well.. i didn’t even choose to start a life here, so why are you proud of me?
im stuck.. I’m trapped here.. under the weight of my self hatred, of everything else. i can’t drown these things I’m feeling, and Im struggling to swim with them as well. (dang it rain, word pictures? really?) I can’t escape.. this is me we’re talking about, my own brain. i can’t stop thinking.. can’t stop feeling.. or not feeling in some cases. 😝
I struggle to ask for help.. to admit that I need help even. although Im on a self help, so that’s rlly *** intelligent of me. 😂 fr though, asking for help scares me now. especially in real life, Im scared to say anything at all lest I say too much and ummm ✨ get commited. ik that people are sick of me lying and saying I’m fine, but no one also wants to hear the truth. I’ve actually had this experience btw, so not just me overreacting lol
22/05/23
i keep thinking about song “good things fall apart”. ruminating on it, you might even say.. so much meaning behind it. good things don’t last; they don’t work out, do they? no.. but who even defines what good things are? what makes something good, per say? is it positive meaning attached to it? is it beauty? in any case, nothing beautiful seems to be meant for me to have.
positive thinking isn’t working out for me today.. but then again it has never completely worked out for me. too much has gone wrong, too much could go wrong. dang it.. i shouldn’t be allowed to keep a journal.. it’s dark inside ✨
23/05/23
it’s me, mhmmm mhmm ✨
daily check in: how is rain doing?
fine, good, ok, alright, et cetera. you know the drill, I know it too.. but no one even needs the truth. the truth is so ugly.. maybe if we say that we’re okay enough, we’ll actually feel okay..
but then again, that’s never worked before… I wanna be ok. i don’t want to seem unstable, I need to be in control of the things that I’m feeling. I can’t slip up here.. although, I already have, haven’t I? they already know, they’ve seen.. you don’t have to dig deep before the mask breaks and all the darkness is revealed. “When you feel my heat, look into my eyes- that’s where my demons hide, that’s where my demons hide.. don’t get too close, it’s dark inside..” -Demons, Imagine Dragons.
That’s why i should stay far away.. the closer you get, the more you see. don’t get close enough to feel my heat; stay back where it’s cold and safe.
how am I really? not ok. hating myself, really *** anxious, don’t want to get out of bed, nothing to look forward to, no hope, et cetera heheh 🐯
24/05/23
g’day rain 🙂
this is day like.. 20 something of getting under four hours of sleep per night; welcome to the party 😊 It was partially my fault last night, but also I tried.. i really did. just why..? why am I like this..? everything gets progressively more interesting every day ✨ btw, and depriving my body of *** it needs doesn’t help either Im sure.
i feel so lightheaded that sounds are muffled a lot of the time. the world’s always spinning, my muscles are always sore. i did actually eat two normal meals between today and yesterday though.. and do I ever detest the feeling of being full. is this normal? 😊 I used to be able to eat more than 200 calories without feeling like trash. eating like a normal human should literally makes me feel ducking insane.
i don’t exercise for my body’s benefits really.. it helps me feel halfway sane. i feel in control of my body, i feel things.. it cuts through the numbness.. it helps me realize that I feel human things. best of all? i can stop thinking. my brain never shuts off and it’s killing me. Despite all these benefits tho, exercise isnt so much fun when your running on fumes. or caffeine xD
there’s no way out, is there..? where is it..? everything’s so dark, I can’t find it. I have a sick brain, don’t I..? 😀
