Rain’s Space ☔️

16/05/23

Really dreading next week; I’ll have to tell my parents that, once again, I let them down. I have always gotten A’s.. so even though b’s aren’t the worst grade ever, to get two of them, two sub par grades, will be like a slap in the face.

A couple people have told me that I’m too hard on myself, and that my parents will always love me and be proud of me. This makes me laugh- people can be so bipolar personality wise. Just because a family has it together on the outside doesn’t mean it’s a loving or safe place to live. I’ve very nearly gotten in trouble for getting an A- on a college paper, so what do you think two b’s will mean for me?

Not only have I let my parents down, but I have disappointed myself as well. All the nights I didn’t sleep, all the times I said I was fine, and every hurdle I’ve jumped: for nothing now.. this is my record for life; I have lowered my college gpa before even leaving high school.

With every choice others make for me, my mental health gets worse. I’m never good enough, could never be strong enough, won’t do enough to gain love. You laugh at my indecisiveness, and furrow your brow at my subzero self esteem. Yet, you try to choose my life for me.. you bully me into submission and prove to me that I’ll always be a coward and a nobody.

17/05/23

you would have though that our brains would have a more foolproof design.. Im thinking that it would be easier to live without one, in fact! 😃

for real though, why am I like this? How could I have managed to be such a defective program? I’m just getting a tiny bit tired of it all.. I hate the gruesome images my brain produces. I dislike all the clutter and noise of my own thoughts. Tired of all the panic and being on edge about everything. Sick of overthinking every problem and trying to fix the situations that I know nothing about. Done with the heaviness and with feeling like a shell of my self.

Tired of remembering; the pictures I try to delete from my mind seem to pop up just when I’ve thought i was forgetting. My brain seems to be like a defective camera, drawn to taking dark pictures that will ultimately lead to its demise. The mental pictures I take seem to corrode my mind and eat at me from the inside.

Tired of the darkness; no need to pretend it doesn’t exist! I can lie, or try to hide it away, but ultimately it pushes everyone away. You asked me how I am, but you didn’t really want to know.. and I don’t blame you. Sometimes, there’s just too much ugliness to find any beauty.

17/05/23

I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck in the body of the person I hate the most, and I need to change some things because I can’t keep living like this.

I truly am working toward better self care habits.. but having significant trouble working toward care, and not control. I can force myself to skip sugar and carbs, push myself to spend hours at the gym. But at the end of the day, it seems like nothing changes.. I hate the person that I am.

I’m starting to realize that no matter how I change my physical appearance, I’ll never love this person unless I fix the problems in my head. Although, how to do this? I’ve been told I was ugly so many times, manipulated into changing myself quite a lot.. and yet, even I myself repeat and believe these things.

I want to learn to eat over 200 calories without feeling guilty; to go to the gym for self improvement and not just for a sense of control. Nothing is enough to satisfy the greed of my mind.. the desire to reach a personal low. Tell me rain, when did you start basing your self worth on numbers? are you happy, rain? happy that there seems to be less of you every day?

You said you would stop, Rain.. 10 lbs ago. And yet here you are, and it’s not enough. You don’t see any beauty in yourself, not in any part of you.. you’re still the wreck you always were, rain. You’re almost underweight.. did it need to get to this point, really? Has it made you feel better? Let me answer this one please.. no, it hasn’t.. you don’t feel better. You’re done with all of this, rain.. getting to this point hasn’t fixed your mental state.. arguably you’re worse off than before. Rain? You need to stop this.. do better, try harder.. otherwise, you’re going to end up in a hospital somewhere, and you definitely won’t have control then.

18/05/23

running.. always running. Running away, running in circles. I’m getting tired of circles; I want to get somewhere. And this isn’t just a normal loop per say; this seems more like a spiral that leads down. Yup, that’s me- can’t even manage to stay where I am.

im trying to find hope, I’m looking for light. I’m losing more of the ground I conquered previously.. even hope seems to be hiding now. All I see is shadows.. shadows of what was, of what’s never going to be. Faint whispers of the things that are gone forever.

My brain is so loud.. everything is so loud. I didn’t choose this, didn’t ask for this, don’t want this. But can’t change anything, and I can’t fix it. So, cheers to life I guess 💪🏼

19/05/23 *heavy trigger warning*

I wish i could see into my brain to figure out what the actual *** happened up there. xD Whatever it was though, im guessing it was my fault. When did this start? I can’t even remember.. is this who I am now? Im only 15, and I don’t have much of a history to compare to. But im different; they’re right, I have changed.

I used to be an extrovert, I was able to feel before- to feel happiness, to cry, to laugh. When did I become so cold? When did I decide that my body wasn’t good enough? For a long time it’s been this way; so long that im not even sure when it started. It’s gotten worse though.. so much worse. I’ve gotten lower than I thought was possible. And yet now I know that there’s always a deeper fall waiting.

When did I become so morally conflicted? When did I start learning to lie? In real life, I am now a skilled and practiced liar 😎. How did I first think of self injury as a coping mechanism? That sounds so messed up to think about, but it’s a valid question I have. Contrary to what the people around me think, it wasn’t from social media.. I didn’t hardly know what social media was. I was eight years old, and I couldn’t cope.. I asked for help back then.. but nobody heard me.

Since then, it’s become harder to ask for help. I used to want help; I tried to help myself even. But what’s the use? I just frustrate people when their suggestions don’t work.. i can’t even help myself. I can’t help anyone else either- you say you need me? Well you did the same destructive *** when I was right beside you. You tried to end your life in my presence.. you don’t need me, and I can’t save you. I can’t save me.. I’m beyond redemption, aren’t I?

Lol I’m so sorry if you’re still reading this.. please, you could find so much better *** to do with your time. But yep, I’m sorry.. I’ve failed again and again and here I am beyond even trying to fix things.

20/05/23

dang it.. so much social interaction that I want nothing to do with. so many things to do, and I don’t feel like I have energy to do any of them. oh well though, not my choice to make : )

there’s so much hurt in the world, so much hate, so much trouble. i feel like we’re just standing here smiling as the world goes down in flames around us. everything burning to ashes, nothing left for us.

21/05/23

hey hi hello. It’s me again, it’s always me isnt it 😃. anyway, no fancy wording here, no word pictures ( well, maybe a couple). I’m just saying, I’m struggling. that’s it. I could leave it there- the real ones know.. I’ve talked to people about it.

How am I? why am I struggling? idek.. it’s the same old with me. I feel depressed, I have intrusive thoughts, I’m ✨ lowkey ✨ done with life sometimes, I hate myself, et cetera. this isn’t new.. it doesn’t seem to change. why hasn’t everyone given up on me yet? i can’t understand… anything at all. i feel like I’m in the dark about a lot of things, actually.

Im trying to heal from this.. trying to be a better, stronger person. I’m practicing positive thinking, or trying anyway..I can entertain thoughts of my accomplishments for about three seconds before my brain is convinced that it’s an illusion. that it’s some *** mistake ppl made in seeing me.

People on here say that they’re proud of me.. why? for existing? there are eight billion people who exist as well.. i didn’t even choose to start a life here, so why are you proud of me?

im stuck.. I’m trapped here.. under the weight of my self hatred, of everything else. i can’t drown these things I’m feeling, and Im struggling to swim with them as well. (dang it rain, word pictures? really?) I can’t escape.. this is me we’re talking about, my own brain. i can’t stop thinking.. can’t stop feeling.. or not feeling in some cases. 😝

I struggle to ask for help.. to admit that I need help even. although Im on a self help, so that’s rlly *** intelligent of me. 😂 fr though, asking for help scares me now. especially in real life, Im scared to say anything at all lest I say too much and ummm ✨ get commited. ik that people are sick of me lying and saying I’m fine, but no one also wants to hear the truth. I’ve actually had this experience btw, so not just me overreacting lol

22/05/23

i keep thinking about song “good things fall apart”. ruminating on it, you might even say.. so much meaning behind it. good things don’t last; they don’t work out, do they? no.. but who even defines what good things are? what makes something good, per say? is it positive meaning attached to it? is it beauty? in any case, nothing beautiful seems to be meant for me to have.

positive thinking isn’t working out for me today.. but then again it has never completely worked out for me. too much has gone wrong, too much could go wrong. dang it.. i shouldn’t be allowed to keep a journal.. it’s dark inside ✨

23/05/23

it’s me, mhmmm mhmm ✨

daily check in: how is rain doing?

fine, good, ok, alright, et cetera. you know the drill, I know it too.. but no one even needs the truth. the truth is so ugly.. maybe if we say that we’re okay enough, we’ll actually feel okay..

but then again, that’s never worked before… I wanna be ok. i don’t want to seem unstable, I need to be in control of the things that I’m feeling. I can’t slip up here.. although, I already have, haven’t I? they already know, they’ve seen.. you don’t have to dig deep before the mask breaks and all the darkness is revealed. “When you feel my heat, look into my eyes- that’s where my demons hide, that’s where my demons hide.. don’t get too close, it’s dark inside..” -Demons, Imagine Dragons.

That’s why i should stay far away.. the closer you get, the more you see. don’t get close enough to feel my heat; stay back where it’s cold and safe.

how am I really? not ok. hating myself, really *** anxious, don’t want to get out of bed, nothing to look forward to, no hope, et cetera heheh 🐯

24/05/23

g’day rain 🙂

this is day like.. 20 something of getting under four hours of sleep per night; welcome to the party 😊 It was partially my fault last night, but also I tried.. i really did. just why..? why am I like this..? everything gets progressively more interesting every day ✨ btw, and depriving my body of *** it needs doesn’t help either Im sure.

i feel so lightheaded that sounds are muffled a lot of the time. the world’s always spinning, my muscles are always sore. i did actually eat two normal meals between today and yesterday though.. and do I ever detest the feeling of being full. is this normal? 😊 I used to be able to eat more than 200 calories without feeling like trash. eating like a normal human should literally makes me feel ducking insane.

i don’t exercise for my body’s benefits really.. it helps me feel halfway sane. i feel in control of my body, i feel things.. it cuts through the numbness.. it helps me realize that I feel human things. best of all? i can stop thinking. my brain never shuts off and it’s killing me. Despite all these benefits tho, exercise isnt so much fun when your running on fumes. or caffeine xD

there’s no way out, is there..? where is it..? everything’s so dark, I can’t find it. I have a sick brain, don’t I..? 😀

25/05/23

life.. you know when you think about it, it’s kind of a sad thing. You don’t get a choice, it’s a lot that’s handed to you.A unique situation, a space in time and in the world that only you will ever occupy. It may be the best lot available, it may be the worst.. who cares? What does it matter?

Life is like being forced to eat a bowl of something unappetizing when you aren’t hungry. The bowl is placed in front of you and everyone’s telling you to eat. You don’t want to eat, you didn’t choose this.. and still everyone’s telling you how awesome and delicious this dish, and yet you could care less. You’re just tired of being told you should be enjoying something, when it isn’t fun for you at all.

(rain what the *** are you doing 😭)

26/05/23

well… rain.. fancy meeting you here. 😮

how are you?

im fine… ok?

F **ked up

i nsecure

n eurotic

e mpty.

There.. i said it. big step for me, even in just a journal. you can bet i would still lie if you asked me, but.. oh well, progress ^^

why do i write this..? nobody should have to read this. no, not a soul. but some people have seen through the lies, and it’s not fair to pretend that I’m on seven cups for all fun and games. no, I’m a human and i have problems.

if I don’t admit this somewhere, I’m going to forget. I’m going to put a blanket of haziness on the *** im going through and be utterly wrecked when the blanket is ripped away.

I want a break. from my head. from it all. this is up to me- i can get pushed into things if I don’t put up boundaries, but ultimately I am responsible for the choices I make now. i need to get better- to find a way to heal from this. because this. isn’t . working. Im not normal, I’m not a functional human being. running and running and running but I can’t escape. this is me- all that I have.. if I don’t care about me, there will be no one to care. this is too much.. lots to think about ^^

27/05/23

so much we could say, and yet it’s of no importance. it doesn’t matter.. nothing matters, nothing will change.

“It’s so strange that autumn is so beautiful; yet everything is dying.”

-unknown

28/05/23

what to say? there’s so much I could say, and yet I wonder if I should say any of it. everyone hates me.. I lie all the time and they know it. I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine.. I wonder, if I said it enough; could it come true? it’s a lie.. an obvious off putting lie to people who actually care; and yes rain, there are a few. and yet I sabotage myself by pushing everyone away.

I hate me. I’m. So. Sick. Of. Myself. stupid stupid stupid.. you can’t fool anyone and you know it. I have problems… so many of them. I could spend eternity fixing all of them, and never completely fix them.. ugh. I hate thinking

29/05/23

so tomorrow will make this journal like two weeks old, huh..? that’s cool.

what do i do here? I’m on a self help site and I can’t seem to help myself, and can’t seem to help others. i feel like a fraud when people say I help them.. oh well, doesn’t matter. maybe I’ve helped.. just one person.. that would be nice ^^

why can’t I believe what people tell me about myself..? it feels so wrong, like I’ve tricked them into believing something untrue about me. 🙂

I actually might be going insane.. fun! 😃

30/05/23

~tw~~~ ✨

hey.. can i share with you the saddest thought I’ve been having lately..? It’s that I myself might be the only person I can’t ever outrun. Running away is fun.. it’s a cowardly gesture, sure, but who actually wants to just sit with their problems..? With themselves..?

Maybe that’s why I ended up abusing the “alternative coping mechanisms “ I’ve been given.. the fault isn’t with them, it’s with me. The truth is that I don’t want this- and I’m trapped. There’s no escape from this.. I. can’t. get. out.

no amount of self injury will break through the numbness or take away the anxiety.. it might temporarily relieve it, but I. can’t. escape. the panic always comes back; the triggers are all around, where you’d least expect them. no amount of obsessive exercise or fasting will make me love myself. i hate this person, and. I’m. trapped. with. them. no amount of stimulant will lift the heaviness off me, or brighten the grayness. i. can’t. get. away. 🙂

stucky stuck mhmm.. ✨ I’ll always be a coward, always let people down. I’ll never get better than this… because this is what I am- I can’t escape.this is the person who caused all this, this is the monster I’ve tried to outrun. why can’t I run..? I’m stuck here… and. i. can’t. escape. 😊

31/05/23

hmm.. feelings are weird, you know.. I don’t understand them; and i don’t like them either. but then again feeling nothing at all isn’t much fun at all.

it feels like there’s a band around my chest.. every time something happens it gets tighter. one of these days it’s going to completely snap; sometimes I think I’m going to completely snap.. nothing to look forward to about that ✨ nothing to look forward to at all, actually

01/06:23

happy pride month. yayyy! don’t have any pride though; I don’t even know who I am, or who I want to be. how do I fix this mess? Like- please tell me; I read about an interesting theory in psychology.. something about the hypothesis that we will experience emotional turmoil if our self concept and our ideal self concepts are too far apart.

well? who am I? I’m a mess, I know that… I’m a failure, I get told that again and again.. but also? I’m enough.. some people say that I’m enough as I am.. and i wonder, why is that..? I don’t understand… i guess though, that this is my call. there are different voices around me and Im going to have to choose one to listen to..

screw me, bro

02/06/23

i got my mobile service contract extended without any issues. that’s nice.. having the cups app is really very convenient.

im tired. 🙂 amidst everything else I could say, all of the elegant words, im tired seems the most fitting. it says so little in itself and yet it can have so much behind it. it’s up to interpretation, really..and to think, I slept last night 0:. maybe not that much, but sleeping is better than not sleeping, right..?

😝 nope.. no, i don’t think so. i can forget that I need it unless I sleep a little; then, my body just craves more. not doing that again though.. I should, I suppose… but idk how much more of the nightmares i can take. buuut then again, I think I found my limit a while back. idk how I’m still doing this.. 🤷‍♀️ rain, you have ✨ issues ✨.

03/06/23

( t w)~~~~~

nothing matters much, does it? so insignificant and far away it seems,.. Im having some difficulty staying grounded today. couldn’t really tell you why.. idk.. I feel so light that I could float away, and yet my chest is so heavy that I could just stop breathing. i feel things; my muscles are sore and my eyes burn and yet I really don’t care. it doesn’t matter.. I feel dead inside, but my central nervous system is awake with the gentle buzz of caffeine.

i can’t stop thinking about all the things that could happen; all the things that have already and have yet to go wrong. but they’re distant from me.. I’m distant.. I feel disconnected from my body on a whole new level. am i going crazy..? no.. it’s fine, I’m fine ∩^ω^∩

(Tw) 04/06/23

hey.. if you’ve met me before, I just want you to know that I’m sorry. just, sorry.. I’m something useless and broken that you should stay far away from. but you didn’t, or I didn’t, and I’ve left an indelible mark on your life… no matter what happens now, I’ve probably impacted you in some , albeit small perhaps, way.

I just feel I should be apologizing.. for all the times I’ve given you suggestions that I haven’t heeded myself, for all the times I’ve tricked you into believing I’m something more important than I really am, for all the times I’ve made you feel that you would be safer with your guard up.

I just feel so worthless… yeah.. my worth is on the negative side of the scale, actually. Hey- you, who’s reading this: I’m curious.. why are you still reading my worthless content? please don’t think you have to upvote this as a favor to me; I’m not saying anything good or helpful here.

Sorry.. anyway.. just ranting here. At this point, I’ll perish in defeat with the words “I’m sorry” on my lips. not immediately ofc, because my brain is slowly killing me (:

tc and have a good day 😊

Hello Rain! How are you doing? I havent seen you for a while. Hope you are well, take care and have a amazing day or night! 💙

@calmmoon2104

hi hi taru ^^ thanks for stopping by (^^)

i’m doin alright, how are you..?

i just missed you by like a couple minutes this morning, oops >~< if you can’t find me and you need to talk, you can usually ask for me in the rainbow room and most likely I will respond within an hour. Im not very far away (:

@burningRain127

I am glad to know that you are alright 💙

Oh that's a coincidence 😮 haha great minds think alike XD, Aw thank you for always being here for me and everyone, you are really amazing Rain 💙

Take care and stay safe 💙

05/06/23

people do awful things to each other, don’t they..? even and especially the ones who claim to be “religious “ or “good people”themselves. i hate that.. people ✨

honorable song mention: “broken”, jonah kagen

06/06/23 ✨ tw ✨

scars.. we love to hate them, don’t we? they’re reminders- of the bad places we’ve been, of the struggles we’ve faced,

of the choices we made. I suppose that they’re also reminders of how far we’ve come.. yes, we may have been in some dark places, but we’re still here, aren’t we..? That we’re here in this moment, with another chance to win.

now.. how to make myself to believe this..?

07/06/23. tw (:

*echo echooo

can anyone hear me? I’m speaking, but no sound seems to come out…I was born with a voice, I think.. but either I forgot how to use it, or they forgot how to listen.. or perhaps both, who knows.

I feel so helpless here.. always getting pushed into decisions. oh, what’s that? i have confidence issues? I wonder why..

I don’t want to think anymore.. im tired. that’s all. i don’t want any more family drama, I don’t want to have to make life decisions in a week, I don’t want to do this anymore.. my home is not a dollhouse, I am not a barbie doll. i am not your puppet. kapeesh? (:

somebody told me something today… someone who means a lot to me shared this quote: “butterflies can’t see their wings. they can’t see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. people are like that as well.” - naya riviera

hhh- I don’t have wings.. I can’t fly.. im stuck. im unhappy when others make decisions for me, but I can’t seem to make decisions for me either (:

fun fun fun.. life is amazing. i am amazinggg 🙂 mhmm. yeah.

10/06/23 (tw)

i hate myself. there’s really nothing about me to like, is there..? i know that beauty is only skin deep, but the ugly runs all the way through me. nothing to like, nothing to appreciate.. just ugly fake and shallow through and through.

The burden of hating myself so much is heavy to carry.. but heavier still is the thought of loving such a human I despise. stupid, inadequate, and worthless.. that’s me (:

@burningrain127

you're actually gone