Out of The Corner/In The World
Hi! Some of you might know of my other space here, In the corner. Or just, "the corner" in my head. This is the world! I.e this is me learning to "adult" (what?), get out of my comfort zone, accept my flaws, seek the positives in life, etc etc! My journey out of the comfort zone, basically. And it's going to be rocky, it's going to be real hard, and I'm going to end up in the corner venting about something more times than not, probably, but it's a step, I think.
Let's get out of the corner! (That was kinda cheesy!)
I did an online career recommendations thing and got guidance counselor
No thanks 😃
Being stood up hurts. Like, damn. Wow. Okay.
Kinda ***, actually. Trynna give her the benefit of the doubt because like, ditching people is the opposite of her character, actually? But i just spent 20 minutes watching the place empty of people and met legit everyone on earth except her, so what gives?
@unassumingEyes
you got stood up? ): by who. I’m sorry eyes, ppl are weird :’)❤️i hope it was jst a misunderstanding or smth? are u able to message her??
@iloveyouxx by a friend i havent seen in a year. She told me a reason and apologized. The reason didnt make much sense to me but her apology seemed sincere and shes not really the kinda person to do something like that on purpose so i told her it was fine
But you know. Its not fun 🤷♀️
@unassumingEyes
yeah i understand :’)🤍 are you able to meet up another time soon?
@iloveyouxx probably not since she went to saudi for a week and in a week ill be leaving :/ but she said that if she comes like a day or so before i leave she'll try to meet
@unassumingEyes
youre traveling? :0 oh ): do you think the reason was valid because you said you didn’t really understand
sent early 😭 the reason didn’t really make much sense to you?* I hope you get to see her before you leave ):
@iloveyouxx idk, i didnt get it but i cant see her not showinv up without a valid reason so maybe.
Hopefully....dont worry about it tho 🩷
90% biology
56% urdu
(Also, I'm alive after those urdu marks. Apparently. How??? More on this later 😀)
Back in grade9, I failed a chemistry test and got yelled at for atleast an hour. Probably longer, tbh.
A few weeks after, my friend- who is smart- failed another chemistry test (this one I did well). I asked her, worriedly, the next day how her parents reacted. She told me that her mother sat her down and talked to her about reducing the stressors in her life and taking breaks because she was clearly overworking herself and burning out.
Outwardly, I smiled at this and told her that her mother was right.
Inwardly, I burned.
Now, two years after, I spent months preparing for this urdu exam, and passed it, but with as low as 56%.
Now, mom said "we'll figure this out"
And she didn't yell. And dad took us all out.
"We'll figure this out"
I know with dad, her mood is better and she...just *parents* better when he's there. But this, compared to an hour plus of yelling, two years ago,
This
Is what?
And on another note, I feel like -along with this- a lot of things on my life have improved since I've considered myself completely out of the fold of Islam.
Which doesn't make me think that I was right to leave Islam. Kinda the opposite, like God said "well, you've chosen this world over the next now, haven't you?" And given me all the things I wanted *now* Instead of saving them up for after de-th.
Which is not a comforting thought
Life is complicated, basically, and I'm grateful that today wasn't awful, but still. How was it not awful?
@unassumingEyes woah, i think this should have gotten a tw
***Religion, again***
***also seriously, you hate religion, youre not finding sympathy from me. Judge extremists dont judge beliefs!***
So, like, i could end my parents disappointment in seconds. Just quiet all their fears for the safety of my soul with a few words. And theyre true : Ive been studying the Quran in detail in secret. Thats it, thats all i gotta say, and theyd just...i dont know, be relieved, be proud i guess.
So why dont i? Because you know what it implies? It implies that im this great devote muslim. It implies that im studying the Quran to please some God. It implies that im doing this for reward or paradise or all stuff. All that stuff .
And thats not the truth. Its the furthest thing from the truth, because the truth is, im not a devote muslim, im not even a muslim at all. Yeah, an year ago i said different, when i joined cups, but guess what? I wasnt even a muslim then. I did nothing a muslim does because hallelujah, i didnt believe. Not "i didnt believe in god" or "i didnt believe in the hereafter" but "i didnt and dont believe in the quran" which btw, is equal to not muslim!
Acc to google and the like, the best word for me is "monotheist". I just study the quran to better understand it. I mean to do the same for the bible, my options are open rn
So. Like i could show them that im doing this thing that makes me look like oh such a great muslim. But im not that great muslim they want, so why mislead them, right?
But i admit, tho all i do is roll my eyes (mentally!!!) When mom lectures me about reading the quran more often (again: detailed study **in secret!**), when dad talks to me about it, all gentle concern and love,
It is hard not to say the truth. The truth about studying the quran. Maybe even the truth about why.
Im mad at my irl friends. My friends who i fought and lived with and loved for years. Im mad at them in a way thats so hard to distinguish from sad.
Im mad because they wont try. I left the country and im trying more than they are. Im the one with the strict mom who never lets me go anywhere, but when i manage to reach the meeting place on time they dont show up. Im the one at fault for leaving the damn country but when i come, my best friend who lives in the building right next to me wont even try to meet. She only messaged me the whole time ive been here once to ask me to ask my elder sis for study tips.
Im mad because i was right
I wad the only one putting in the effort to keep us happy
I dont know. Maybe only i was happy.
Merry christmas, everyone. Happy cups-anniversary to me. Thanks for all the love.