My useless life

Well i'm not sure what the point of this will be... since i have posted things like this so many times or told it to so many people and never did anything come from it...

I kinda feel like i wanna tell it to someone but i don't know who. So why not just write it down for myself. In the end that's what it comes down to anyway.

I don't even wanna act like i have the worst life. Objectively i should be happy but there is just so much missing in my life that i can no longer see the point of any of it.
Each day i start the day with hope that something might happen, that if i just do this and that it might just finally bring some change but it always just stays the same.

Alone in the same room i have always been. Listening to the same music i always do. Talking to the same people that don't understand me at all because they have something in life to give them purpose.

I just cannot do this much longer. I seriously feel my sanity being drained by this disgusting loneliness i have to endure each and every single day of my life.
If i read in the newspaper that someone has been murdered and they left a grieving family i don't feel pity... i envy that person for having had a family. That's how 'insane' i have become. I'd trade my life just to know what love feels like even if it's just for a single day. I'm desperate and it's impossible for me to hide it anymore.
After +30 years of not receiving the slightest bit of romantic love i do not understand 'normal' peoples problems anymore...

I cannot keep this act up much longer and there is just nothing that i can do. I cannot pay anyone to love me. I may be able to pay for a hug but even that is not available in the *** i live in.
There's just no escape. I have to fight so hard each day to keep myself busy so i don't have to constantly think about all of the things wrong with my life but it's getting harder and harder.
I tried all the self help. Watched all the videos. Read all the books. What good does it do? What's the point if i like myself but no one else ever does?

All i want it just one person i can just cuddle in front of the TV and talk. That's such a trivial thing that i seemingly just cannot have.
How much money do i have to pay to have that? How much therapy is needed to get this single basic human need of affection? How many more years of constant rejection and loneliness do i have to endure before i finally get something positive in my life?
I don't want to do any more self improvement. I don't want to just love myself anymore. I don't want to search for a trillion hobbies to keep me busy... i want company. I want affection. I want to be needed by someone.
I don't want to take antidepressants anymore. It doesn't help. Nothing helps against loneliness.

I'm sorry if this sounds like i'm just wallowing in self pity. I'm sorry if the person reading this had it worse... but pain is subjective. I don't wish anything bad on anyone. If i could make it happen we'd all live in a dream world...

but subjectively for me... my life is the worst imaginable thing. i hate it. i hate everything about it.
i feel bad for complaining... but that's all i can do. i can only write down these words that will do nothing.

maybe i'll do so more often... maybe not... i don't think anyone will even read or answer.. i'm probably even bad a complaining.