Grapes’ thread 🍇 (Full of tw’s, be on your guard)

@thoughtfulGrapes1163

Yusss, this is your space and you're allowed to be however you want to be, here. I'm so proud of you for creating this little safe space for yourself to be more authentically, comfortably, vulnerably, hooman-ly *you*. All the love, always.💗

❗❗❗❗ Very High Trigger Warning ❗❗❗❗ Please be careful going forward in this post ❗❗❗

TW : Violence, Rape, Weapons, Blood

 ( I shall leave a few spaces so that you have a chance to let it pass your eyes ) 

( Dear moderators/forum leaders, if this post is not allowed for any reason on here, please don't hesitate to bring it down and inform me. I would most definitely understand. It would hurt my heart, but I will understand )

I had a vision. A hypnotic vision. I was raped in that vision. I was beaten senseless by monsters, all around me. I was frightened, I feared for my life. I had tears streaming down my face. I was shivering with fright. I’m a monster!!!!!!! I’m a monster, I’m a monster, I’m a monster. I was beaten senseless. I was killed. I was tortured. I’ve been burned by white hot flames. I, I don’t know what to do. In my dream, in my vision, in what is being opened up to me, I am a little girl, surrounded by monsters with red eyes. Taking advantage of me. Raping me. Stabbing me with white hot swords. I’m begging them to stop, with tears in my eyes, I’m crying. shaking.

Me truly broken.truly, truly broken. You know, I remember Sir asking me why I am so unable to show my emotions out like a normal person. Its because it has experience and the strength to resist ginormous reactions. Believe me, if a person was set through the same pains I am, the same urges of anger and rage, they would not be able to hold themselves back. I have mastered the ability to hold myself back. I have restrained much more than any of humanity has ever done, let alone my family. And she has the guts to say everything, every *** thing, is my fault. I’m breaking down, trying my hardest to stop myself from literally blowing up and going insane, and watching Youtube videos to help me calm down, and she goes on to blast at me, accusing me of corrupting the minds of the two younger siblings that I have surrounding me when I watch. ***, what do I do?????? Huh?!! Tell me!! What the *** *** do you expect me to do??? I have been holding in my pain and my anger and my rage and my utter madness at you for way too long, and when that small crack opens in my restraint, you blast on me like that??? Huh?? I’m not an ANGEL, MOMMY!!! As much as you want an Angel for a child, I am A HUMAN BEING!!!!! A HUMAN BEING, you understand?? I have my limitations!!! I have my pains!! I have my scars!! You have driven me mad, woman!! I am DONE holding any sympathy and kindness for you. YOU ARE A WITCH, LADY, A WITCH!! No matter what anybody says anywhere. I *** don’t care!!!! 

I feel like everything is my fault. You know, after staying in a family like this, for my whole life, I learned the emotional vocabulary necessary to communicate emotionally in this family. I feel a strong urge to say that things were normal at home, from the beginning, nothing out of the ordinary happened in our home. But I know that is not true. I know that is not true because there are things that I see my mother do to the kiddos, small things, but that have huge impacts, and that happen repeatedly, and I know there were many such things that happened in my childhood as well, but I can’t remember it. My brain thinks its normal. I know its not. My brain, my mind, has adapted itself to survive in this environment, and by adapted, I mean it was forced to drastically change how it did things after something really frightening, something that hit it in its gut so hard, happened, repeatedly. Its from all those terrifying, reality shattering experiences that it has developed all these abnormal reactions, these confusing connections and pathways, this trauma. I really want my mom to go for therapy. I care for her, I really do. And I know that she needs therapy. I see it in her thought process, in her behaviour, in her emotions. She is so much like me. I see myself reflected in her everytime. Difficulty controlling her emotions, unreasonable and inexplicable behaviours, feeling like she has no control over anything. She is venomous, yes, but that is something she learned from her father, who was a very angry and explosive man back in his adulthood, and other behaviours she learned when she was young, to keep her ground in an environment where she felt highly vulnerable and exposed to the biting emotions of her father. I don’t blame her for her actions. But I can’t say that they haven’t broken me. There’s a part of me that really wishes that they could blame my mother for every single ounce of pain and torture she put us through, to lash out and bite her with the same venom that she bit me with, and to make her understand just how painful the things she put us through were. I’m not going to condemn that part, because I understand where he comes from. I feel that too, deep inside. I accept his anger and rage and vengence towards mommy, and while I won’t actively deal with it until later, I am not going to push him away either. Right now, I need to find a way to give some space between me and mom, find a therapy option for her, and prevent further episodes of trauma between us. Because we both are getting affected by it. I don’t think my therapy will ever completely be done until I have at least started mom on her journey of therapy.