7-22-2k23+
I’m currently on a tablet and making this since I don’t want the bad vibe of the unintended final entry on here https://www.7cups.com/forum/journal/General_2520/Musicings_308743/?post=3312708 to be something I see again.
No shame, no one is judging the literary quality of the last journal etc,etc.
Thinking ‘going forward’ later today or not, I’m meaning to buy (compression ?, exercise tights ?, male yoga pants ?) which is something I don’t look forward to since it’d not only mean the friggin tedium of venturing to some achingly bougie mall but look for ‘bottoms’ as in pants or shorts never seems to be fun for someone my size, much less for a niche function and role..
-_- Yet the membership is only for a month and the tedium of an Amazon product request and delivery comes with it’s own diciness.
+ : all the nice things I could've said btw the last time I made mention here and a '50 move rule' draw I reached in computer chess yesterday.
To not cast value judgement on this. My habit of criticizing problem solving methods (including the ones which arrive at competent solutions).
I think that an understated 'approach' to an attitude of prejudice towards a certain community is that of a person whose baseline for liking ppl is '0*' and the only vertical direction it might go on occasion is in the negative range (-2,-1,-0.5 etc).
It's important to understand that the baseline of 0 isn't apathy or indifference.. it's more like a frail and delicate to upkeep asociality which is easily agitated,upset or disappointed. It's that kind of misanthropy, a misanthropy of 'I prefer to keep to myself, I have many things of my own I can do and you're going to tick me off for accusing me of being 'unproductive' nethertheless even though you're just as d--n well flawed despite what that callously introspective attitude of yours puts effort into not checking and self-reflecting'.
Never found tumblr too relevant but this was fun
https://inprogresspokemon.tumblr.com/pokemonindex
Interesting to take a look and see how certain 'in-between' designs make things make more sense or would've been better suited for finalized options.
Forsooth, rejoice !, rejoice !, for in what memory my family hold me !
Storming outside and timely tie in to the 'in the rain..as it soaks you to the bone' lines ( https://youtu.be/Kr7U8KquKWw?si=hhhJN6nvUBjdk2A3 )
My siblings, a cousin, aunt and a doggo entered my residence for a birthday hangout. What evidence of what transpired, I'm inspired to put up
'_' *deep sigh*..nary,3 weeks after returning from her trip on very short notice my mother departs to El Salvador yet again come tomorrow due to the very recent questionable state of my maternal side grandfather/her dad.
I did this yesterday https://www.reddit.com/r/venting/comments/160yvem/after_birthday_porn_use/
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Things on mind in no particular order
a)health of my grandfather
b)expectant nephew or niece and my brothers planned undertakings
c) stuff w/my aunt or sister
d)draft resignation letter for one job
e)response back about an employment assistance person past if not seek out other employment agency place
f) sports medicine appointment Monday
g) work training this week
h) remote chance of reply from physiotherapist person
i) feedback from yoga place
j) yoga event Wednesday ?
k) in what sequence shalt I eat fridge food ?
l) apartment check up, come the 6th
My confidence in competent listeners for this platform dipped drastically since the turn of the year but d--n well better anyone best prepare for what potential branching out most of any of these could pan out to, not that competent cyberspace chat really exists even with every perpetual opportunity nearly +2 decades or ~1/4 c. into this century >:I ..if we ever get to the point for some reason or somehow as only 'existing as minds' in virtual space, having been able to integrous communication will be a dealbreaker to even existing and this was 'the beta run practice grounds' of it all.
- : D--n, having left two lights on before leaving !. Were it winter I might not be as unpleasantly astonished.
Consider how a fair amount of Hispanic ppl grew up on and had Western genre media resonate with them. Consider it how strange it was for me whence several years ago, both my parents embraced watching H--l on wheels where rapper and actor Lonnie Rashid Lynn ('Common') was a show lead.
I didn't really watch it but what I did see made it seem that the show was actually okay and I suppose what intrigue it brought to my parents was how it was a Western which heavily brought in the presence of minorities (not only Natives but black ppl aside from 'Common', Latter-day saints and their presence at that historical point of westward railway construction expansion and the Chinese ppl who definitely had a role in that).
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*Darkly chuckles internally*
What my sister said about 'family drama' happening if my grandfather truly passes
(a) one factor for not being keen to spend much time in El Salvador beyond mourning processes, esp. as how it'll manifest 'on that front' in contrast to the ripple effects it might bring to my local Canadian side family and
(b) the representation of that (particularly if you edit out the show title) as per this poster of season 1 of 'The 100' which I used to watch w/my mom
Doing this, typing this stuff as needless or preemptive as it might ultimately pan out, to relevancy within this year at least, isn't evoking the impact of my grandfather's mortality more...d--n cognitive distortions in a perpetually discouraging world, discouraging from taking quality undertaking even for the most mundanely important actions can do that to you.
I can say that I've had a satisfyingly meaningful relationship with my grandfather even if I've felt less involved from him after age ~19. I can see myself being as fairly unmoved by his passing particularly as I was by my paternal grandfather's wherein I just felt conflicted with the ambiguity and feeling of feeling nonplussed. There's a critical factor in how my maternal grandfather has had a much more involved and consistent presence in contrast to what rare interaction I ever had with visiting my paternal side grandparents though..so, there might really be an provocation of me grieving in a way I didn't even expect--stuff like that can d--n well happen, I'm not that naive or stupid to it, to it's possibility.
When it comes to where I'd be expressing it..
phase 1) scramble to arrange for flight into El Salvador. Question of pet care beyond my dad applies but I wonder who else among my local relatives will venture as well ?
phase 2) airport c--p
phase 3) reaching the one city and being told what kind of mourning ceremonies will be done etc
phase 4) being at said events and seeing relatives, trying to keep me and my upset to myself since this is ultimately about someone very important albeit for a brief temporary span..I'm cautious to express much not only to the relatives I doubt I'll see again (tbh travelling to El Salvador doesn't interest me much) but b/c of ensuing ripple effects of drama
phase 5) repeat phase (2) for return purposes
phase 6)I feel something..maybe grieving and making sense of what I experienced might only really spill out once here again on the more familiar territory of where I live..the stuff that I might not've expected might well happen here
phase 7) arrange counsellor appointment of sorts to decompress about and make sense of 'loose strings left hanging'
phase 8) 'welcome to the new age' of ordinary life with one less personally important person around
I won't be able to arrive as I expected. The final changes are indeed incurring.
That seen in 'Only the brave' where Josh Brolin and a few of the female characters are ~'ugly crying' and making ~'ugly crying' sounds-- how I imagining some variation of that upon confirmation.
