writing space

CW: This is about BPD-esque social dynamics. But I express everything in sexual metaphors because I'm a pervert. Good for me, lol.

It's like if you were talking existentialism with a pre-schooler, it would all be filtered through crayons, dolls, and toys. "We are thrown into a world where we are given crayons but then they are taken away from us by the teacher after 30 minutes. Amidst this absurd situation, how can one justify drawing?"

***

Dear X,

Invitation to participate in role-playing game

• They might feel angry/dismissive because they feel like they haven't done anything wrong but are being unfairly blamed/villainized.
• Alternatively, they might feel guilty/anxious about having accidentally hurt someone else and feeling like they don't know why or what to do about it.

Other reasons for wishing to decline invitation

• I feel like the character I previously played as is based on a set of concerns/values/experiences that aren't as relevant or helpful for me right now.
• I can't really think of what I might create in his place for another character.
• I kind of know what I'm doing with my life right now.
  • I have activities through which I feel like I'm able to be myself while also doing a lot of good.
  • I have some outlets where I'm occasionally able to do that "BDSM-esque" introspection with people who have agreed to it and are mutually interested in it (with limits in place to ensure it feels safe and consensual).

I've been watching Naruto Shippuden (currently about 75% done) and it's pretty interesting. The core themes of the series seem to be that vengeance doesn't work and conflict can be defused through empathy.

It explores these themes by creating situations in which the characters have good reasons to feel hatred and wish to harm an opposing side. And each situation becomes a sort of challenge of, "Are you really saying that even in this situation, your ethic still holds up?" (And I guess it's up to the viewer to decide whether the emotional/moral transformation of each bad guy feels like it's realistic/earned.)

What led to me wanting to create this post is that the series is now exploring these themes not just through an individual lens but also through a group lens. There is a series of episodes starting around Episode 365 where the previous leaders of the village get resurrected by the anti-hero and are asked to explain the origins of the village.

• Anti-hero: I've brought you leaders back from the dead because I have a question I need to ask you. You are the people responsible for creating this village. Your village has destroyed the lives of all of the people I care about. They sacrificed themselves and suffered unforgivable things for the sake of this village, and the village betrayed them. I hate this village for doing that to them. But somehow after everything they went through, my loved ones still thought this village was worth protecting. I disagree with them and I cannot understand their perspective at all. Please explain to me what a village is and how the heck it justifies what my loved ones went through. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't destroy this stupid village of yours.
• Leaders: Before there was a village, there were clans that fought against each other. Friends were forced to k*ll friends just because they happened to belong to a different clan. Children were k*lled just because they were considered a threat based on their clan affiliation. This situation was inhumane, unlivable, destructive for everybody on both sides. The village was a mutual agreement by all of the clans to end the violence and co-exist peacefully, by adopting a shared identity that transcended clan identities and promised to guarantee the safety of all sides.

The events of the series seem to show some of the challenges of this village system.

• Group vs. group: Instead of clan vs. clan conflicts, there are now village vs. village conflicts.
• Group minority resentment: Within a village, there will be people who feel alienated/excluded from the group and like they receive less power, respect, belongingness, understanding, acceptance, etc. This situation of being abandoned/rejected by the village can give rise to resentment, which at its extremes leads to hatred and violence against the village.
• Group majority defensiveness: Among some who consider the village supremely valuable, outsiders are seen as a threat (because they might exhibit the dynamics of minority resentment) and this distrust/defensiveness can give rise to violence against the outgroup for the sake of "protecting the village from threats".

***

I can't help noticing though that there's a pattern where most of the fights in the series are still won through raw strength. It's just what happens *after* winning the fight that dictates whether the enemy gets "converted" to the "good" side. It seems like the usual pattern for conflict resolution is:

• The "good" side either wins the actual fight or is able to force a tie, so power still ends up mattering a lot.
• But after they've won/tied, they show mercy/understanding toward their opponent, and that is what converts the opponent over to their side. The basis for this mercy:
  • Understanding cyclical retribution: if A attacks B, then B will retaliate, which will lead to A retaliating, and there's no end to it ("an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind")
  • Empathy: this person is like me in some basic ways and I can't really demonize them or consider them evil when I understand the motivations behind their actions (i.e. their suffering is similar to my own suffering)
  • Healing root causes: if the reason this person is acting this way is because they haven't received love/acceptance/recognition, then all I have to do is provide that (by taking their perspective/feelings seriously) and the basis of their hatred will be extinguished
  • Valuing peace: Conflict is intrinsically stressful/anxious and undermines the safety and well-being of all sides, so it's valuable to defuse it if at all possible.

Maybe more generally, the steps for conflict resolution could be described as:

• Safety (protect yourself): securing one's safety through one's own effort/power
• De-escalation (protect your opponent): from that position of strength and safety; being willing to disarm, trust, yield power, abstain from destroying one's opponent, and try to understand their feelings and resolve their concerns (for the sake of peace)

TW: discussion of someone else's suicidality

Notes: confidentiality/site rules

This writing is about some experiences I've had on my listener account with a specific member chat.

I don't believe I'm running afoul of any rules by sharing this here:

• Confidentiality
  • Nothing I am writing here should be sufficient to identify the member. My descriptions of their situation will be general enough that they could potentially apply to a broad group of people.
  • I will be sharing direct quotes from my chat with this person, but they will only be things that *I* have said, and they will be largely removed from any specific context of this person's situation or anything that they have shared.
• Linking listener/member accounts
  • There is a risk that this person might accidentally stumble across my member journal, read this post, and be able to link my listener and member accounts together. But for them I would be okay if this were to happen, and I believe that they are the only person for whom this post might potentially allow that to happen. (Nobody else is familiar with my chat with them.)
• Member/listener roles
  • This writing falls squarely within the scope of things that are supposed to be shared on a member account rather than a listener account.
    • The goal of a member account is to share personal experiences and feelings and heal/grow.
    • The goal of a listener account is to support members.
  • While listeners do have the option of using the Listener Support Room or seeking help from the Listener Care team, I believe that writing here is more beneficial for me personally for a few reasons:
    • 1) I'm able to go into more depth/detail in a forum thread
    • 2) I have a significant degree of control/ownership over this specific journaling space that is pretty comfortable
    • 3) I know that certain friends who I'd want to share things with are reading and following this space

Background: chat situation

I have a regular member on my listener account who has had prior suicidality, but for the first time since I've started talking with them, they expressed that they were starting to feel suicidal again -- and that it was much more severe/serious than it has been in the past.

Without divulging specific details, their general situation is as follows:

• They have a terminal illness and multiple other physical conditions that are painful and incurable
• They have several debilitating mental disorders due to decades of prior trauma/abuse
• They have little to no social support in real life
• They have a therapist and have chatted with multiple crisis helplines in the past, but for various reasons they weren't comfortable chatting with them and wanted to chat with me instead

Background: 7 Cups crisis rules

7 Cups rules prohibit chatting with members who are in a state of crisis. If a member expresses that they are in crisis, the action a listener is expected to take is as follows:

• Provide a link to the crisis resources
• Tell the member as kindly/gently as possible that this isn't a topic that they're trained to be able to chat on (but here are some other sites that have better trained people who might be better qualified to help)
• End the chat after providing these references to the member
• Listeners are expected to respond this way regardless of whether the member (or the listener) still want to continue chatting

Rationale for chatting with suicidal member

I decided to violate 7 Cups rules and chat with this member.

There were situational factors that led me to believe that:

• Chatting with them was a morally justifiable course of action
• The benefits of chatting with them greatly outweighed any potential harm
• The rationale behind the crisis referral policy was not applicable in this specific case

Explanation:

• Protecting members
  • The primary rationale for the crisis referral policy is to protect members.
  • The assumption is that the member can/will seek support from those crisis resources and that those resources are superior in multiple ways to what 7 Cups listeners are able to provide:
    • Crisis lines have real-life tools and interventions at their disposal that can potentially save lives (e.g. they can trace the person's location and dispatch emergency services if needed)
    • Crisis responders have additional training that is specifically geared toward more extreme crisis situations
    • Crisis responders have a wider repertoire of verbal interventions that they're allowed and expected to perform that go beyond basic active listening
  • However, if it is fully known ahead of time (as it was here) that a member can't/won't seek support, then the choice is no longer chatting with me vs. chatting with a crisis counselor but rather chatting with me vs. chatting with absolutely nobody.
• Listener quality
  • Another rationale for the crisis referral policy is possibly a recognition that many listeners on this site are not very good. (There are some listeners on this site I've chatted with who have made me regret being alive long enough to have met them. )
  • So, I can see how it would be dangerous/destructive just from a site policy standpoint to normalize or encourage having new/mediocre listeners try to talk with people in crisis.
  • At the risk of the Dunning-Kruger effect, I think I am a good listener (probably in the top 20th percentile) and have less of a chance of harming someone than the average listener. I base this on:
    • The feedback I've received from members
    • My own experiences on the site interacting with listeners from this account who I can say with certainty are significantly worse than me
    • The fact that my listening ability has gotten significantly better over the past 5-10 years, but I know that I was already reasonably good at listening before that happened
• Avoiding harm to member
  • Me refusing to chat with them while they are in a state of crisis would do significant harm
    • I would be abandoning/rejecting them, which would amount to having one of their greatest fears realized
    • This would almost certainly increase the chances of them seriously harming themselves
    • This member had already expressed that previous listeners had turned them away while they were in a crisis and that it hurt them a lot
    • This member had already expressed that I was the only person they felt like they were able to trust who "gets it" (including all of the crisis services they had reached out to and their personal therapist)
• Existing relationship
  • The fact that they are my long-term member makes it more likely that any chat with them would be helpful:
    • I am more familiar with their overall situation
    • I have an existing rapport/trust that makes it easier and safer for them to discuss with me than with a stranger
  • This also greatly increases the potential harm that they would experience if I were to "reject" them by ending the chat
• Protecting listeners
  • Another major rationale for the crisis policy is to protect listeners.
    • It might really mess up a listener psychologically to put them into a very serious situation where they'd feel overwhelmed or guilty: "Oh no, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to save this person. I just k*lled a person through my incompetence."
    • It's also much easier for listeners to say no to a chat that they aren't comfortable with if there's a rule they can lean on like "I'd really like to chat with you but I'm not allowed to".
  • This was a situation where I personally felt like the risk of potential psychological harm to me was acceptable/manageable and something I was willing to shoulder.
• Not a typical case of suicidality
  • The nature of their situation, especially with the terminal illness, feels like it makes this more of a "death with dignity" situation than a typical situation where objectively a person might still have the potential of a long, rich, better life ahead of them.
• Familiar with advice for laypeople in discussing suicidality
  • Most of the psychological advice I've read for laypeople along the lines of, "Help, my friend/family member is suicidal, what should I do?" suggests that it is helpful for people to talk openly about suicide, as long as the person who is helping them follows all of the usual constraints that are relevant to normal active listening (i.e. don't tell them what to do, don't judge them, be a good human being, etc.)
  • The only qualifications or disclaimers were:
    • It's necessary to ask whether a person has an immediate/active plan to k*ll themselves; if they do then it's necessary to contact emergency services.
    • Even if they don't have a plan, it's best to connect this person with a professional or hotline.
    • This member already expressed that they were aware of these options and they didn't want to pursue them.

I framed things as follows:

• "7 Cups has a crisis policy where if someone says that they're suicidal, listeners are supposed to refer the person to crisis support and end the chat immediately. But I don't want to abandon or reject you, and I know that you've trusted me with this--so if you'd like to continue chatting with me and if you're okay with the fact that I'm not a trained crisis counselor, I'm happy to keep talking with you about this and listening to whatever you have to say."

They wanted to keep chatting with me, and so we did.

Chat progression

1) Normal listening

For the early part of the chat, I tried to just do normal listener things. Reflection, validation, questions, etc.

2) Self-disclosure of conflict

There was a point in the chat where my own inner pressure of wanting to say "Please stay" became too much for me to ignore.

I felt like it would possibly be helpful for them to hear this (i.e. someone cares about you and you're not completely alone). I also feel like I trust myself and if something is jumping out and screaming, "You need to say this," then it's often a good idea for me to say it. (And if I have any doubts/hesitation about sharing, I can simply express that side of things also.)

I was conflicted because I held another thought along the lines of, "I want to respect your freedom. If you're that miserable and you're certain that you don't have a good future and you are determined to leave, then who am I to try to force you to stay?"

I expressed all of this a couple times at different points in the chat:

• "I'd really like you to stick around in this world for a bit longer... ideally for a long time. But I know I don't have the right to ask that or force that from you, and I understand what you're saying that things feel really hopeless, you've really been trying hard to stay, you feel like it's hard to imagine things being fixed, and you're feeling really anxious and like it's hard to keep waiting."
• "I'm really sorry you feel the way that you do. They train listeners not to give advice, but there's definitely a part of me that wants to try problem-solving, brainstorming, coming up with ideas, anything/everything if it might keep you in this world a bit longer. Yet at the same time, part of me feels like it's your right to decide whether or not you want to be here, I shouldn't force you to do anything, you have lots of good reasons for feeling pained and wanting to escape, and I don't have the right to force you to endure/torture yourself"

3) Grieving

At some point, they started talking about our current relationship and their interactions on 7 Cups in *past tense*. And that felt like a red flag. I felt like there was an increasingly strong chance that they weren't going to survive.

Once this occurred, my mindset shifted a bit. I think there's some analogy to medical care:

• If someone's life can be saved, then you do everything you can to save it
• If someone's life can't be saved, then the emphasis shifts to hospice care and trying to make their process of dying as comfortable and meaningful as possible (e.g. reducing pain, resolving unfinished business with loved ones)

Instead of seeing myself as a helper/caregiver trying desperately to bring someone back from the ledge or save a dying patient, I felt instead as though we were equals in a personal relationship. And I ought to treat it as if I were giving my last words to a dying friend or family member who I might never speak to again. That felt like it was also something necessary for my own psychological well-being if I was to continue chatting with them.

I decided I wanted to choose whatever words would allow me to feel like their possible death is something that I'd be able to accept without any regrets or leaving things unsaid (while still simultaneously protecting my boundaries and recognizing that my own feelings are variable).

• "I hadn't really gone into this conversation with the thought that it might possibly be our last, or really processed the idea of, what if this person isn't around anymore--like, how would I feel about that, what would I want to say to you if I knew that this might be the last time we chatted... is there anything special that I'd want to say, anything I'd want you to know about the way I feel about you or how you've affected me, or would it be the sort of thing where I'd just let the past experiences/moments speak for themselves and feel like they have their own glow and I don't need to add anything"
• "I'd feel really sad if you were to leave this world thinking that absolutely nobody cared about you if maybe it was the case that your presence here had some effects on me. I'm pretty schizoid and detached from people and I try to be pragmatic like, "If someone is going to leave and it's not within my control and it's going to cause me pain to feel attached to them, then it makes the most sense to let that happen rather than clinging on tightly, especially if it's disrespecting their wishes to try to cling onto them." But I feel like ... you'd really like for there to be someone who cares enough to say, "It would matter to me if you weren't here and I'd probably think about you, maybe not constantly but it would affect me""

They really deeply appreciated my saying this and said that it was exactly what they hoped someone would say.

4) Humor

After I felt like we had both gotten some deep feelings off our chests, we started joking back and forth about death and some of the usual ways that people talk about suicidality. For example, they were mentioning something they wanted to do tomorrow, and I said the following:

• "Oh gosh, well if that keeps you around for another day, then yeah you better do it, haha. Are there any other hooks I can stick into you to trick/manipulate you into living longer than you want to? 😉"

We also just started sharing some vulgar/crude jokes back and forth, which was fun and nice. I could come up with a retroactive justification for how this falls within the realms of professional/supportive behavior. But in the moment, there wasn't really any calculation beneath it. It just felt right, I trust my actions when things feel right, and that's all there is to it.

5) Perspectives on safety vs. riskiness

We were also sharing back and forth about how sometimes it's nice to be reckless and how when there's nothing to lose that can open up certain possibilities.

• "Yeah, it feels really nice sometimes to just be in a weird/altered state where all kinds of crazy/interesting things that might not ordinarily happen suddenly feel like they're on the table and totally doable."
• "Like if things are going well, I feel like I have to protect that, so I keep everything neat and organized. But if everything is already going to s***, it's like, "Well, what's the worst that could happen--now's the time to experiment and try all kinds of stupid nonsense because things are already broken." There's a kind of freedom and willingness to break all kinds of rules."

(And yes, I also break the rules sometimes by using profanity in chats with members. I believe that as long as a listener does not unilaterally initiate profanity, the profanity is situationally appropriate, the profanity is not used in an abusive way, and it occurs within the context of a broader relationship that is supportive, it can help establish trust/connection/solidarity.)

The best time to try something I wouldn't normally do is when everything is already in shambles.

• "Unfortunately, I've been keeping to the straight and narrow and I'm feeling really good and maintaining all of my habits flawlessly 😛"

Overall thoughts

I felt like the chat was successful on many levels.

• General support: They expressed their gratitude and said that they felt understood, accepted, and appreciated; which is all that I could have ever hoped for
• Suicide prevention: I feel like the chat was probably as successful as it possibly could have been on this front. I can think of a number of ways that this chat might have stimulated them to consider whether they want to stay alive
  • Feeling like I care about them and so there's at least one person who values their existence
  • Feeling like it's still possible to have fun/enjoyable experiences chatting with someone
  • Feeling like they're able to provide insights/help to other people and that their existence is a net positive for the world
• Personal closure: I wanted to have the feeling that if this person were to die, I wouldn't have any regrets or feel like there was something more I should have said or done. I feel like I'm somewhat closer to accomplishing that.

Dear S,

Yesterday I told you that I felt like sharing a prayer for you. I did feel that way. I waited too long though and felt tired and the feeling passed before I was able to say it.

I don't know if I can find the same words but I want to meditate on your situation and my feelings and try to find new things to say. It might not entirely match, but I hope I can still feel as nice having those thoughts as I did yesterday. And I hope you feel warm reading them.

***

I'm so proud of you for sharing what you did with me. I get a feeling like, if I imagine you were my daughter, I'd want to give you a hug, tell you how brave you were, tell you how you did such a good job, and treat you to your favorite movie or favorite meal.

I'm so proud of you too for taking your time in sharing. In letting yourself have that safety. Of having that respect and care and compassion for your own vulnerability to honor your own feeling of, "I'm feeling really scared. I really want to take this slowly."

The thing I want to pray for is for myself that I can be someone safe for someone else who's feeling that way. There's something so pure, beautiful, and holy about that feeling.

I bought a very soft blanket a few months ago because I wanted something soft I could touch when I'm feeling a similar way. I really wish you could have that experience of being cared for by someone in a physical way. Some of my dearest memories are from relationships that happened 10+ years ago where someone for a few minutes or a few hours was fully there for me and comforted me when I was sad or crying. I don't imagine those specific people when I'm visualizing someone protecting or caring for me. But I feel like just having ever received that comfort gives me a memory of what it felt like physically and emotionally and that's something I'm able to connect with.

One of the reasons I have felt so drawn to Christianity even though my thoughts are more atheistic/Buddhist is just the depth of devotion and the way that this sensitivity/vulnerability is so deeply cherished.

***

[N]oticing the preciousness of Christ’s blood, gathering it up, and gently drying the face of the suffering Christ – is the metaphor Therese uses to describe her entire vocation. It’s this that constitutes the deep foundation upon which she grounds the other elements of her spirituality.

For her, Christ is still bleeding in the sufferings of persons on this earth, in our sufferings, yours and mine. And, as was the case with Jesus, this blood is, mostly, dripping unnoticed, unvalued, and often to the tune of another’s indifference and ridicule. Therese’s sensitivity (which was born out of her own suffering, her deep prayer, and from the unique way she was loved and valued and made to feel precious as a small child) alerted her to preciousness that was seemingly being wasted. Like a sensitive artist watching a masterpiece being heartlessly defaced and destroyed, the sight tore at her heart and so baptized and displaced her so that her whole life became nothing else than an attempt to do something about it.

Before dying, Therese promised that she would even spend her eternity, heaven, coming back to earth to continue to gather these unnoticed drops of blood and to continue to dry the sufferer’s face.

(source)

***

For all of its faults, I have so much adoration for the spirit of the Catholic Church that it would take a sickly, sensitive girl who died of illness at age 24 (Therese of Lisieux) and make her not only a saint but a Doctor of the Church. I love that on the Protestant side as well, there is so much emphasis on having a deeply personal, intimate relationship with Jesus. I can only imagine how much good has been done by people being able to be vulnerable in that child-like way, open up to everything that they are feeling, and receive that relief/healing.

I understand you have lost that comfort also. I pray that you are able to pass through it gently, that there is some blessing in it, and that you may receive everything you need.

***

"[N]othing is so useful, so fruitful amid this dryness and barrenness, as not to yield to a passionate desire of being delivered from it. I do not say that one may not desire to be set free, but only that one ought not to desire it over-eagerly, but to leave all to the sole Mercy of God's special Providence, in order that, so long as He pleases, He may keep us amid these thorns and longings. Let us say to God at such seasons, "O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; "--but let us add heartily, "Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done," and there let us abide as trustingly as we are able. When God sees us to be filled with such pious indifference, He will comfort us with His grace and favour, as when He beheld Abraham ready to offer up his son Isaac, and comforted him with His blessing. In every sort of affliction, then, whether bodily or spiritual, in every manner of distraction or loss of sensible devotion, let us say with our whole heart, and in the deepest submission, "The Lord gave me all my blessings, the Lord taketh them away, blessed be the Name of the Lord." If we persevere in this humility, He will restore to us His mercies as he did to Job, who ever spake thus amid all his troubles.

And lastly, my child, amid all our dryness let us never grow discouraged, but go steadily on, patiently waiting the return of better things; let us never be misled to give up any devout practices because of it, but rather if possible, let us increase our good works, and if we cannot offer liquid preserves to our Bridegroom, let us at least offer Him dried fruit--it is all one to Him, so long as the heart we offer be fully resolved to love Him....

Some people... fall into the great mistake of imagining that when we offer a dry, distasteful service to God, devoid of all sentiment and emotion, it is unacceptable to His Divine Majesty; whereas, on the contrary, our actions are like roses, which, though they may be more beautiful when fresh, have a sweeter and stronger scent when they are dried.

(source)

***

"[I]t will come to pass that God will lead the soul by a most lofty path of dark contemplation and aridity, wherein it seems to be lost, and, being thus full of darkness and trials, constraints and temptations, will meet one who will speak to it like Job’s comforters, and say that it is suffering from melancholy, or low spirits, or a morbid disposition, or that it may have some hidden sin, and that it is for this reason that God has forsaken it. Such comforters are wont to declare immediately that that soul must have been very evil, since such things as these are befalling it.

And there will likewise be those who tell the soul to retrace its steps, since it is finding no pleasure or consolation in the things of God as it did aforetime. And in this way they double the poor soul’s trials; for it may well be that the greatest affliction which it is feeling is that of the knowledge of its own miseries, thinking that it sees itself, more clearly than daylight, to be full of evils and sins, for God gives it that light of knowledge.... And, when the soul finds someone whose opinion agrees with its own, and who says that these things must be due to its own fault, its affliction and trouble increase infinitely and are wont to become more grievous than death. And, not content with this, such confessors, thinking that these things proceed from sin, make these souls go over their lives and cause them to make many general confessions, and crucify them afresh; not understanding that this may quite well not be the time for any of such things, and that their penitents should be left in the state of purgation which God gives them, and be comforted and encouraged to desire it until God be pleased to dispose otherwise...."

(source)

***

I pray that you may see yourself as a beautiful person worthy of love.

I pray that others will be gentle with your feelings.

I pray that the conditions may be right that you are able to express yourself completely and be received with all of the compassion and understanding that you so desperately need.

I pray that others may return your trust with kindness and comfort and that they will understand how extraordinarily difficult and painful it is to trust.

I pray that the warmth of your devotional practice may return and that you may have the energy that allows you to feel comfortable offering your spirit to others.

I pray that you receive whatever love you need at the time when you need it.

I pray that when you are deeply sad, you may hold your feelings in the same reverence as a perfect mother might care for a sick child.

I pray that your soft side may be treasured, accepted, and allowed to exist.

I pray that if you come to me in a softened or sad state, I might be someone fit and worthy to receive that; may I be gifted with a gentle, patient spirit.

I pray that someone gives you a big hug.

I pray that all of these circumstances be the cause for you becoming a more beautiful person.

Stars

I've been strictly avoiding all pornography/masturbation/orgasm ("PMO") for the past 27 days. The positives have been pretty positive (e.g. increased physical/mental energy, less need for sleep, clearer skin, more youthful appearance, stronger voice, decreased anxiety/depression, etc.)

The biggest problem I'm having is with diet/digestion. I feel like I've experienced decreased appetite and I don't "need" as much food. That isn't necessarily a negative, and there have been some days where I've simply done intermittent fasting and I've felt fine. But the issue is that there is hardly any food that appeals to me nowadays, and with whatever I do eat I almost always have an upset stomach afterwards. And if I go for too long without eating, I start to experience headaches, nausea, and fatigue. (I'm drinking plenty of water so that isn't the cause.)

It's a bit unusual considering that I've eaten and enjoyed basically the same diet daily for years, just with minor tweaks every now and then. That diet is at least somewhat healthy (mostly legumes/grains/nuts with high fiber intake and minimal processed foods or sugar). I can nitpick and find minor ways of making it objectively more healthy, but the fact is that this diet has worked and felt perfectly fine/enjoyable for a long time, and suddenly it's no longer working. There doesn't seem to be any correlation with sleep, exercise, or stress. I haven't experienced any other symptoms that would suggest a physical illness. I feel like a month is also probably too long for this to be some kind of withdrawal symptom.

My intuition is that there is some kind of fundamental difference between the type/amount of food my body needs when it's doing PMO daily vs. when it's never doing PMO. I've stumbled across some articles in the past on yoga/kundalini talking about diet. Am going to look into that and see if I'm able to find anything helpful there. I feel like the kundalini stuff in particular is probably going to be relevant since what I'm experiencing seem like it falls within the same general category of, "Help... my body is now permeated by sexual energy that wasn't there before and this is causing uncomfortable things to happen." If nothing else, it'll provide some ideas.

@NoneTheWiser

I was looking through the flowchart you provided for how conflicts between you and your ex tended to go and found it really interesting. It got me thinking about what my own flowchart might look like for dealing with conflicts in current friendships/relationships.

1) There is something I'm unhappy with

2) If the person has broken an existing rule/agreement/boundary that we already mutually established, then:

• Decide whether or not I want to talk to them or let it slide based on different factors
  • How negatively it affects me
  • Whether there is a pattern of the problem happening repeatedly
  • How respectful the person has been of my boundaries
  • Whether I feel like I was unclear when I initially set the expectations
  • How accommodating the other person is
• If I decide I want to talk with them, decide what sort of tone I want to use, based on the same factors, e.g.
  • Vulnerable, expressive, open
  • Accommodating, patient, deferential, forgiving
  • Neutral, objective, plain, factual, rational
  • Argumentative, sharp, direct (still respectful but much firmer)

3) Otherwise decide whether I want to create a new rule/agreement/boundary

• If yes, share my concerns with the other person and what I would like boundary-wise
  • If I don't feel trusting:
    • I might plan things out pretty carefully beforehand and enter into the conversation with a pretty well-thought-out plan for what my goals/objectives are, how to respond to different scenarios, what I am and am not willing to accept in response, etc.
    • I'd probably do a bunch of journaling or talk to other people and try to sort through my feelings ahead of time, so that if the other person never listens to me or cares for me, I can still feel like I've been listened to and cared for by someone
    • I basically expect the worst and try to go into the conversation with some confidence that if the worst-case scenario happens, I'm still able to come out of the conversation with my well-being intact and I have a clear path to getting my needs/goals satisfied, whether it involves the other person or not
  • If I do feel trusting:
    • I might just enter into the conversation without having done a ton of introspection beforehand or having only a vague idea of what I want to say or how I feel/think; I'd trust that I'd be able to process it in real-time while chatting with them despite the vulnerability/uncertainty
    • I might have some ideas/options I'm ready to propose for what I want that I feel will help things, but they're much more tentative/preliminary and I'm more flexible/conciliatory when it comes to considering alternatives or leaving things open-ended
• If they agree to what I'm requesting, then great
• If they disagree or have concerns, then listen and try to negotiate something that works for both of us.
  • The degree to which I'm willing to cede my perspective, listen, and be accommodating of their feelings (i.e. what proportion of the conversation I spend focusing on and tending to their feelings vs. my own) depends on the same "factors" above. Basically how trustworthy the other person is and how important the issue is to me.

4) If we aren't able to resolve it in a way that feels satisfactory/workable to me, and if the problem is important enough, then be willing to reduce my connection with that person

• In order to protect myself and give myself the freedom to seek other options for getting my needs met
• In order to respect the other person's freedom by not forcing them to do something that they're unwilling to do

***

I think in general it's like:

• If I feel comfortable/trusting (based on my own emotional state and the qualities/prior behavior of the person I'm interacting with), then I'll approach it in a much more vulnerable way and try to not only solve the problem but also get validation/support
• If I feel uncomfortable/distrustful, then I'll approach it in a more problem-solving kind of way and focus on getting what I want and protecting myself while assuming that the other person is incapable of validation/support. I stay respectful/polite but I am much more analytical/objective/strategic in trying to accomplish my goals.

I wish I had a better understanding of the life cycle of passions/dreams/plans so that I could accelerate the process and be less surprised by how it unfolds.

If I look at one example of a plan/goal of mine (i.e. succeed at listening), I can identify some of the steps or stages of my emotional orientation toward this goal:

1) For reasons I can't very well remember, I start doing the activity.

2) While in the grips of this initial desire/motivation, I put forth zealous/joyful effort and took on responsibilities.

The constraints on how many responsibilities I take on (i.e. how I decide upon "boundaries") are:

• Whether I anticipate something significantly harming my emotional well-being (i.e. burnout, vicarious traumatization, possible emotional flashbacks of past traumatic events in which I sacrificed my well-being for the sake of other people, etc.)
• Whether I believe I am capable of doing it skillfully
• Whether I believe the responsibility is something worth doing (i.e. has a significantly positive/meaningful impact)
• Whether I believe the responsibility is something that I am uniquely/solely capable of taking on
• Whether there are competing priorities that will suffer (i.e. distracting effort/energy from existing responsibilities that I have already agreed to)
  

3) At a certain point, this effort ceases to be joyful and becomes mundane, routine, or dutiful with little to no emotional pleasure in it.

Some factors in this change are:

• Threats to the sense of "This will not harm me"
• Threats to the sense of "I am able to do a good job at this"
• Threats to the sense of "This has a positive impact"
• Threats to the sense of "I am able to do a better job than anyone else"
• Threats to the sense of "This is a reasonable amount of work"

Other possible factors include:

• Loss of a sense of novelty ("there are new things to look forward to")
• Loss of a sense of improvement/change/growth (i.e. mastering a specific task and then repeating it endlessly without much evolution)
• Success at the effort requires entering into an anxious/stressful state of mind; when this effort becomes chronic or continuous, so also does the state of mind that is assumed in order to succeed at that effort

4) There is a desire to escape from that effort.

This can manifest in a couple possible ways:

• Significantly increasing my effort temporarily in order to complete as much as possible and allow for the possibility of a voluntary break (i.e. because all required work has been completed and I am ahead of schedule)
• Losing all will to work and having my effort suddenly collapse (i.e. feeling burned out to the point that I can't tolerate the thought of expending effort)

5) After having escaped from this effort, there is a loss of one's strong sense of self/identity that one had through that effort.

There is an empty space or a sense of absence that longs to be filled with something.

6) There is a renewal, restoration, or rejuvenation of that activity.

This can happen in a few possible ways:

• Reflecting on what made that activity feel purposeful in the first place and reconnecting with that motivation.
• Having specific random experiences that reinforce one's sense of that activity being purposeful.
• Spending enough time recovering or distancing oneself from the activity that there is some recovery of mental/physical energy or space/freedom that had been depleted -- and this alone changes one's feeling about the activity.

******

I haven't used this journal very much recently for a few reasons:

• The type of self that I tend to develop when I write here is at odds with the type of self that I need to be in, in order to succeed with my other plans/goals
• For a while, I have had very little doubt about what I am meant to do and there has been nothing to discuss or think about. ("I simply have specific actions/to-do list items that I need to complete. I don't need to contemplate purpose, meaning, or feelings.)

I'm finding that I miss certain things about the kind of self that I manifest here in this thread.

• I would say that my self here is much more ruthless in so many ways.
• There is so much aggressive/callous/cold energy that I'm able to manifest here that is completely inappropriate in other contexts.
• I am able to be so much more contrarian/rebellious here.
• I don't have to justify anything that I'm doing.
• I don't have to try to make sense or be understandable.
  

That isn't how I've always used this account, but that seems to be what my current shadow is. Most of the time, I'm going to great lengths to be accommodating, easy-going, peaceful, gentle, understandable, empathetic, likeable, etc. My shadow is the opposite of all of those things.

When I read the ICD description of "schizotypal personality disorder", certain parts of it leap out at me like, "Wow it would be wonderful to be able to exist in that sort of way."

• "Vague, circumstantial, metaphorical, over-elaborate or stereotyped thinking, manifested by odd speech or in other ways, without gross incoherence"
• "Odd beliefs or magical thinking, influencing behavior and inconsistent with subcultural norms"
  

Why so negative? Instead of "odd speech", I think the phrase you're looking for is "awesome speech". 😉

I think that's what explains my recent obsession with the music of Captain Beefheart. He is extremely elaborate, complicated, and obscure. He does what feels brilliant/interesting to him regardless of how it tracks with what other people are doing. He demands that other people elevate themselves to enter his world rather than changing himself in order to be more appealing to people's tastes. He is aggressively expressive. He makes expressions do what he needs them to do. If something is a circle and he needs it to be a square, he grabs the f***ing circumference and forcibly bends it into the shape he needs with his bare hands, lol.

That kind of attitude for me is like: "This is where I'm going. I don't care if you like what I'm doing. You're welcome to follow me if you feel like it, but regardless of what you say this is where I'm going. And if you try to get in my way, I will destroy you and make you regret it. This space belongs to me. It is mine and I own it and you don't control or have a right to s*** here. Follow my rules or GTFO." That's the kind of coldness/ruthlessness I feel like I'm able to inhabit. And someone tells me that this is unhealthy, they're part of the problem and they can f*** off as well, lol.

"If a guest in your lair annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy."
-Anton LaVey

For everything I've read from people saying that Satanism is spiritually immature because it is proudly egocentric/self-centered, I feel like there are insights in there about boundaries, self-ownership, individual rights, and social contracts that I haven't been able to find so well-expressed anywhere else. Scientific/psychological literature has to give the appearance of being really "healthy" and "adult-like", so it ends up presenting boundaries as yet another set of rules to follow, almost like "Be sure to eat this many vegetables per day or else you're doing something wrong." It's so much less empowering than having an intense/powerful feeling, intuitively recognizing and respecting the deep purpose behind it, and finding a way to let that naturally flow into action.

I should listen to more harsh music. I got all soft/gentle because that was what was asked of me, but I've kind of lost my edge.

Something I want to write everything wrong just for the pleasure/freedom of it. Whatever I would normally say, just do the exact opposite.

Come to think of it, that probably explains the strong resurgence of my interest in PMO. In a world full of tepid/neutral/gentle things, that kind of sexual stuff is just unbridled intensity. Sometimes I just want a powerful electric current of energy to run through me and make me feel slightly more alive or slightly less alive than normal... just anything at all that's different or abnormal or unusual or extreme.

The paradox is that once that kind of intensity is given freedom, usually the end result is a very peaceful silence. Things shift back to center on their own terms when they are allowed to go askew. It's when things are forced to remain at center constantly that they become imbalanced.

What my mind looks like when I'm highly motivated

Context: I have a folder in my browser where I've bookmarked all of the PMs and posts I need to reply to on my listener account.

Me: [asks my browser to open all bookmarks in the folder]

Browser: Are you sure you want to open 22 tabs? This could slow down your computer.

Me: Yes!! F*** you browser! F*** you tabs! I'm the juggernaut. I'm going to destroy these tabs. Don't get in my way. I'll eat your children. 😂

I think that chat I had just now is the closest I've ever been to being myself on this site at least in a 1-on-1 setting.

I'm feeling pleasant, and explaining this is going to take me out of my current state of mind. But I already feel myself drifting out of it. So, I'll sacrifice experience for clarity. If there are feelings, there are usually ideas/models/theories that can be exploited from them, lol.

I'm picturing myself now as some corporation with a bunch of bulldozers looking at a rainforest and being like "Oh wow, what a beautiful forest! That's going to make us so much money once we're finished bulldozing the hell out of it. 😍💲💲💲" Lmao

***

Current mood:

Grouper - Heavy Water/I'd Rather Be Sleeping

Cocteau Twins - Donimo

The Sundays - I Kicked a Boy

Ride - Sennen

[nvm looks like i decided not to describe]

This feels like the feminine me I used to be that was so omnipresent and so incompatible with my usual way of being and what I felt people expected or needed that I started having gender identity issues

I wonder if I'd be in this space more often if I were female

Spiritualized - Take Your Time

"When a man is just born, he is weak and flexible. When he dies, he is hard and insensitive. When a tree is growing, it's tender and pliant, but when it's dry and hard, it dies. Hardness and strength are death's companions. Pliancy and weakness are expressions of the freshness of being."
-Andrei Tarkovsky, Stalker

(source)

this transparency is what i wanted to be on my listener account

***

I went looking for old books I hadn't read in years and it's been so long that I looked and found that my books were sorted by mood/energy where I left them the last time I looked at them. And the books that I was looking for were all on the top of the pile, as if to say that the things that were my favorites then are still my favorites now when I drift into this kind of state.

I started to type quotes and found that the more I wrote, the further my mind went away from the state I was trying to maintain.

***

I was attracted to my girlfriend from 10 years ago because she had all of this within her, the stuff that I see in me now. This sort of simple calmness, this quietness of noticing the delight of things being still and not wishing to budge them.

Everything that I prized in music came from connecting to this. All of the alienation I experienced from music came from trying to express or present this and finding none who prized it as much as I did

Otomo Yoshihide + Sachiko M live performance

***

I abandoned public musical creativity because it felt inauthentic compared to what I wanted to create and I was tired of being rejected whenever I tried to be authentic

I abandoned private musical creativity because it felt inferior in peace/pleasure/absorption/purity to meditation and sexuality, and because it had no other purpose apart from that

I abandoned my sensitive/authentic self because it was painful to inhabit, I couldn't be around other people while I was in it without feeling hurt or misunderstood, and I couldn't find an outward purpose for it or some way of channeling it into something helpful

I thought that helping on 7 Cups would allow some expression of it, and it did, but I'm finding with 7 Cups as with real life, I get more consistent results and feel safer and more helpful by hiding my sensitivity and approaching things with effort, intellect, and regularity as if I'm doing a job

***

This band is the source of my member account username. Their first album is called Frigid Stars.

Codeine - Tom

***

Low - Lullaby

Dream:

I went someplace and a woman started behaving in a rude/threatening way toward other people. I submitted a complaint against her. Upon realizing I had done this, she pulled out a weapon and became increasingly unhinged/violent.

Later, I found out she had submitted a counter-complaint against me. 90% of it was made-up nonsense that more accurately described her own behavior, and the other 10% was accurate to what I had done but was not harmful or breaking any rules.

I received a mournful e-mail from my mom about the complaint asking me to please tell her the accusations weren't true. I was contemplating how to respond to my mom, the complaint, etc. and whether I would be able to persuade other people that these accusations were baseless.

Reaction upon awakening:

Interpersonal conflict seems to be the theme here. Off the top of my head, I was able to think of multiple conflicts that I've either witnessed or participated in recently.

The second thing that comes to mind is the fact that the conflict in the dream involved a disagreement over truth. My version of events was accurate, but the woman was able to make up some nonsense and claim it was true. It was disturbing/distressing in the dream that there was doubt over whether the person who was adjudicating the complaints would be able to tell the difference between my legitimate complaint and her bogus complaint--and how I was supposed to provide evidence to show that I was reliable or that she was unreliable.

---

1) Side A wants to change something. Side B opposes changing it. Side B says that the change will cause harm. Side A says that the change won't cause harm.

[Resolution: Maintain neutrality and defer to others to resolve since I do not have enough information to ascertain which side is correct.]

2) Side A believes that Side B is lying about themselves. Side B states that they are not lying. Side A points to inconsistencies in Side B's behavior. Side B provides private information to me that explains the inconsistencies. I am tasked with maintaining an amiable relationship with both Side A and Side B.

[Resolution: Be empathetic in private communications with both sides without sharing private information from Side B.]

3) Side A wants to change something. Side B wants to understand why the change is needed. Side A justifies the change in a 90% objective way but includes 10% that is an emotional/moral framing based on their frustration. Side B focuses on the 10%, critiques Side A for being emotional, and accuses Side A of not focusing on the 90% that they themselves ignored.

[Resolution: Clarify and respond to only the 90% that Side A has expressed.]

4) Side A expresses something that falls into a gray area with respect to rules and their enforcement. Side A receives praise for this expression as being helpful. I am tasked with interpreting and enforcing rules.

[Resolution: Permit the expression since it is unclear whether it violates rules, there is insufficient evidence that it will cause harm, there is some evidence that it is helpful, and mentioning the possibility of rule violations would lead to significant conflict/strain for everyone involved.]

5) Side A wants to change something. Side B is unwilling to change it. I support the change but am aware that Side B is unwilling to change it. I am tasked with responding to Side A.

[Resolution: Express that I support the change but do not plan to initiate action based on the low probability of success.]