writing space

It makes me sad that a lot of the dating advice for guys is sort of reducible to "Show that you are bold, assertive, confident, dominant, powerful, etc."

I found an article written for lesbians with flirting tips and it's just kind of refreshingly warm/cute/adorable.
https://www.littlegaybook.com/lesbian-flirting/

My takeaways:

• If there's someone who makes you want to smile, then point your glowing smile at them and they'll probably be affected by it (lol)
• If there's someone where you really love certain things about them, feel free to tell them how much you enjoy those things
• If there's someone you want to be kind to, then it's great to be really nice to them and do helpful things for them
• If there's someone you want to give a hug to and if it feels safe for them, then yay for hugs ^_^

I love that it all just seems to tap into things that a person might already want to do and find enjoyable if they have a crush on someone.

This kind of captures the whole vibe I'm imagining. Like, it's just really fun to throw energy at people, lol.
https://youtu.be/8i1EWWZWoDI?t=63

***

I feel like the above is sort of "sun" energy. And then there's probably an (also feminine) sort of "moon" energy that is like, if you feel sad or quiet or tired, then just being really gentle/sensitive/caring/delicate.

I'm imagining almost like if someone wanted a hug, but their body was sore/achy and it might hurt them to be hugged too hard. Or if someone was sick and you wanted to take care of them. It's affection but very soft/muted.

Holy crap, Assassination Classroom absolutely *destroyed* me. Amazing show.

I haven't cried that much from anything since the last time I watched Anohana, lol.

Me [10 episodes earlier]: Damn it... this feels just like Anohana. I know what awful things you're planning to do to me, but knowing what's going to happen isn't going to stop it... I hate this show so much.
Me [end of show]: Yeah, I was so right... this just isn't fair, haha. That's not how this was supposed to go.

https://youtu.be/HIISBlJLdmk?t=153
[Language warning]

According to Maitreya's Abhisamayalamkara, Buddhas look like this:

• 10 feet tall (7 cubits = 10.5 feet)
• You can see a wheel with 1,000 spokes on their palms and the soles of their feet
• They have very long fingers/toes/arms
• They have golden skin
• Their bodily hair curls clockwise and grows upwards
• They have a very tightly coiled unibrow of white hair that extends a long distance when pulled but when released coils back up like a spring (note: this is one of the more difficult physical signs to achieve)
• All food tastes equally delicious to them
• They have a protrusion of flesh (tumor?) on the top of their head that from a distance looks like it's only a few inches tall but up close can't be measured by any instrument
• They have a very long tongue that would hypothetically allow them to lick their own ears
• They're good at singing
• They have a few teeth that are whiter than all of the other teeth
• All of their teeth are the same length

However, there are a couple different textual traditions. The tradition based on Maitreya's Uttaratantra affirms that in addition to the qualities listed above, the Buddha also has blue hair.

Source: https://studybuddhism.com/en/advanced-studies/lam-rim/refuge/the-32-major-marks-of-a-buddha-s-physical-body

The bullet points above are only based on the list of the 32 "major" marks. I haven't looked yet at the list of the 80 "minor" marks.

***

(Note: I'm sharing this because I found it funny and not with the intent of denigrating Buddhism. The only reason I stumbled across this in the first place was because I was reading a commentary by the Dalai Lama on something and had a question so I started looking for more information... which isn't something I would do if I didn't take Buddhism at least somewhat seriously or have some interest in it.)

Today I participated in a sharing circle and was feeling something that I can't tell if it's joy or anxiety.

Argument for joy: It's downright alien to me to say things and have a group of people be supportive or grateful. It's equally rare for me to be with a group and feel some sadness/disappointment that our time is up, like I'm drinking from some excitement or flow of energy that I'm enjoying and it's being cut off before I want it to be. I guess that's what it feels like to actually be emotionally connected or nourished, lol.

Argument for anxiety: The frenetic pace, time limits, and (beautifully) friendly/vibrant atmosphere make it harder to exist/express in certain ways that are more natural to me.

It's a really strange experience. Almost like there are different types of happiness that are mutually exclusive. And by tapping into this experience, I'm feeling the dissolving/cessation of one kind of happiness that I have regular access to (i.e. peace/contentment/relaxation/freedom from anxiety), but it's being replaced by a different type of happiness that is so uncommon that I can barely even recognize it as happiness (i.e. excitement/belongingness/emotional satisfaction).

I tend to value the following things in my happy experiences:

1) Control/independence: If I have a choice between a 9/10 experience that's out of my control or requires an unusual set of environmental factors that are not normally present, and a 7/10 experience that's within my control or that I can experience in a pretty normal/routine environment that is very common, I'd pick the 7/10.

2) Consistency: If I have a choice between feeling like a 7/10 most of the time versus oscillating between 9/10 and 5/10, I'd pick the 7/10.

3) Self-sufficiency: I'm not quite sure how to phrase this, but it feels like the joy I'm feeling from sharing circle right now is me riding on the coattails of other people's energy/enthusiasm/personality and me getting a contact high from the happiness that other people innately have and generate. It's like I'm experiencing that by suppressing my own natural personality and allowing other people's energy to flow in and become omnipresent. (I have felt this before in the past when I've gone to parties where lots of other people are either drunk or high, and even if I'm not drunk/high myself, there's a kind of emotional contagion where it's like the environment itself becomes energized a certain way and you feel yourself changing and being transformed in the image of others even if you're not participating super-actively.)

So the dichotomy is between an experience that seems to come from me versus one that seems to come from someone else. I think I value self-sufficiency mainly because it produces the other two factors: 1) within my control and 2) something I can tap into more consistently and can trust is going to be there when I need it. I think the "in-between" case (between "coming from me" and "coming from another person") that I still also feel very comfortable trusting would be objects/resources that are "not me" but are easily and consistently obtainable to the point that practically speaking they feel like I possess them as part of myself (e.g. food, books, videos, games, music).

I had an experience yesterday where I felt like a 9/10 but I was deeply trusting of it because it felt like it arose from things that are within my control (e.g. I somehow balanced all of my physical needs perfectly, which gave rise to a kind of playfulness that I explored in fantasy, which then turned into an intimate sensitivity). I was genuinely excited when someone reached out to me out of the blue asking for a listener while I was in this state, like I was full of so much affection that I felt like I could infect other people without trying.

I've had people tell me that I feel like someone reliable/stable. So I'm sure there must be certain "reliable/stable" energies/vibes that I'm already giving off pretty consistently that are infecting people, hopefully for the better in at least some cases. But I think it's pretty rare for me to be able to naturally/spontaneously give off "affectionate/loving/warm" vibes... so to have that happen was something really exciting. And it felt like it was "mine" or came mostly from me.

If I'm ever able to feel or generate that warmth with any kind of consistency, that would be a game-changer. My listening style would completely transform (for the better). And I'd be able to turn that warmth toward myself and probably heal all kinds of things.

I wonder how/whether any of this intersects with the Four Immeasurables. Maybe it's like usually I have access to equanimity, but yesterday I suddenly got a burst of loving-kindness/compassion.

I'm always hesitant to latch onto some rare occurrence and say something like, "See, things are improving!" Because there are all kinds of accidental/fluke things that can happen under special conditions that just aren't replicable or repeatable. And then if you unrealistically think something has improved when the baseline conditions have significantly changed, you end up getting disappointed when things return to normal.

***

This is reminding me of something. There was another forum I used to be really active on. (Side-note: I was one of the early users of that site, so one of my posts on there got pinned very early on and now has ~80,000 views and ~500 likes. There are still people posting in that thread over a decade later saying how amazing that post is and how much it helped them. But now it's like, I can't stand reading it. I gag at the hubris of me as an ~18-year-old writing something sugar-sweet full of butterflies/rainbows/unicorns/glitter and thinking that that would help people who are going through serious problems. But it's not my place to puncture that hot air balloon if people are still benefiting from it and enjoying it.)

Anyhow, there was a person on that site who just had a pretty thorny personality. Like, she was frequently being kind of nasty/rough/aggressive, getting banned for stuff, and getting into very intense arguments with some of my close friends on there. I didn't really have any problems with her and we generally left each other alone, but I definitely didn't see eye-to-eye with her or feel good about a lot of her actions/words.

Something that really had an impact on me and made me go "Huh" was... one day I wrote a post that was kind of along the lines of the following: "If God gives me a gift and I cling onto that and feel proud of myself, thinking that it's something I've obtained or achieved through my own effort, God will take that thing away from me just to prove me wrong and humble me." And this person who never likes anything I said gave my post a thumbs-up.

It made me feel really good to have the approval of someone like that... like, if this person who hates all of my friends and is usually busy bullying/traumatizing them (LOL) likes something I've said, I must have said something pretty good, right? I also know she was a super-devout Muslim, so that made me feel really nice as well, to have the approval of someone who is that deeply religious.

***TW: Sexual topics/themes***

I've been writing some erotic fiction lately. I'm really happy with it, but I'm just feeling an overwhelming urge to make a bunch of jokes at my own expense.

My erotic fiction is pretty hilarious:

What I imagine most erotic fiction looks like: 20% foreplay, 80% realistic sensory/physical description of kinetic friction and fluid dynamics associated with reproductive organs

What my erotic fiction looks like: 95% foreplay, 5% just a periodic reminder that the characters have bodies and organs occupying a three-dimensional space... followed by a few cursory sentences along the lines of "And then they had sex. And then they cuddled for hours. The end."

That last part about the cuddling is pretty important. That's kind of like how at the end of a Disney film they'll say "And then they lived happily after." At the end of one of my stories, "And then they cuddled for hours."

Typically, the narrator's telling the story and they're going on for pages and pages about something that nobody else would find the least bit arousing. And then as an afterthought at the end it's like, "Oh, I see. So, you want to know if they have sex? Yeah... I mean, I guess if you want to extrapolate, then sure they probably would have done that at some point, just judging from the way things were going... if anybody really cares. But this is going off on a bit of a tangent and that wasn't really what I really came here to talk about."

Like, if you've seen any romance animes, usually the characters spend about 20 episodes needlessly misunderstanding each other and getting into all kinds of drama before finally realizing that they like each other. My stories are a bit like that, except it's two people spending several pages toying with the idea of a sexual encounter before finally realizing that they both want to cuddle.

[end jokes]

***

In all seriousness, I feel like I got past a certain kind of writing block that I've usually run into. But in order to explain what that is, I feel like I need to describe what usually happens with my writing.

Let's just pretend for the sake of example that my stories are about someone who has a fetish for pink socks.

[Note: I *don't* have a fetish for pink socks and my stories *aren't* about pink socks. I'm just using this as a placeholder for my real fetishes, which I don't feel like sharing at the moment.]

This is the context for one of my typical stories. Much of this is often implied/assumed:

Character #1 (submissive/main character) backstory:

• They've had a phobia of pink socks (for whatever reason), but at some point (for whatever reason) it changed into a fetish and they started getting very turned on by pink socks.
• They feel a bit uncomfortable/squirmy even saying or hearing the words "pink" or "sock" because it affects them so strongly and they have so many secret associations with it.
  • [Note: in real life, years ago I had the pleasure of finally meeting someone else who also had a fetish with this kind of property to it where certain words felt like they were potent or acted as "triggers". Like, it gave them butterflies in their stomach to hear those words, and it sometimes felt exciting/arousing and sometimes felt terrifying depending on how confident/safe they felt. I remember that friend and I played some games back and forth where we'd try to prod each other with verbal triggers. Like, my friend had a short story they'd saved that had their particular trigger word used about a dozen times in the span of a paragraph, and they asked me to read that paragraph to them out loud on a video call. They had to ask me to stop partway through because they were so shaken/affected by it.]
• The pink socks have psychological/personality associations. Like, Character #1 imagines and idealizes a certain kind of person out there who feels comfortable wearing pink socks and is able to wear them in a way that seems to embody certain personality traits. For example, maybe the typical "pink sock wearer" is someone who is really cute/fun/playful, and the pink socks themselves seem to be like a manifestation of those qualities.
  • It's not that the idealized person has a fetish for pink socks. It's just that they might be sort of like "Wow, I love pink socks, they're so cute [playfully shows off socks]" and investing energy/personality into the socks *in the same way* that Character #1 happens to be fetishizing the socks or receiving energy from them. As opposed to coincidentally happening to have pink socks and being really bored/indifferent about it.
  • [In real life, when I'm occasionally searching the web for people naively/harmlessly posting ordinary/non-sexual content featuring my fetish (so that I can start projecting all kinds of unnatural/sexually charged fantasies onto that content... yeah, that period of ~2 months where searchable Instagram hashtags were down to limit the spread of election misinformation was pretty annoying, lol), 99% of the stuff I find doesn't have the specific personality/vibe that I'm looking for. To the point that sometimes if things are pretty scarce I'll start using Google Translate and search for keywords in alternate languages just to expand my reach. The difficulty of finding "fetish fuel" that embodies the personality I'm looking for is one reason why the process of writing erotic fiction would be attractive in the first place... because then I can make as much as I want of what I'm looking for, and I can customize/personalize/control the situation.]
• In normal/everyday life, Character #1 has mostly *repressed* those types of personality qualities/associations in themselves. Like, even if privately they have all of these associations, they'd never show anyone that side of themselves in public. (This is a side-effect of the initial phase they went through where pink socks were primarily a phobia and they were self-conscious about it.) As a result, Character #1 tends to idealize/admire people who aren't blocked in the same way and are able to have such a free/natural/easy/open relationship with pink socks.

Character #2 (dominant) backstory:

• This person is basically the attractive/fantasy object for Character #1.
• There are sort of two different ways of designing this character; usually I'll have both parts present:
  • Intrinsic pleasure - they intrinsically have some of the qualities that Character #1 finds to be erotically triggering (e.g. cuteness, associating pink socks with cuteness). They are already naturally this kind of person and would be this way even if they knew nothing about Character #1's fetish.
  • Extrinsic pleasure - they have an instrumental interest in pink socks because they've discovered Character #1's fetish and are now really giddy/eager to be able to *use* that to get Character #1 hot and bothered. (E.g. sort of like "yay, I figured out how to press your buttons ^_^ now I'm going to torture you with it".)

The general plot of my usual stories is Character #2 engaging in this kind of pleasant "torture" of Character #1. It's pretty psychological, regardless of whether Character #2 is intrinsic, extrinsic, or a blend. Bodies are often just a means of provoking different personality associations.

In terms of my experience while writing it, of course Character #1 is usually the stand-in for normal me. But, because I'm also writing Character #2, I'm able to participate in the pleasure from both sides, so there's a little bit of a "switch" mentality. It's fun to have someone push your buttons (Character #1), but it's also fun to push people's buttons (Character #2). I've noticed this type of distinction even in normal/standard p*rnography. Sometimes what's happening on an emotional/energetic level doesn't match what's happening physically... like, one person might be on the receiving end of a physical act, but if you look at their facial expressions or overall demeanor, it feels as though all of their reactions are deliberately designed to arouse the person who's giving them that physical pleasure. If p*rn lacks these types of connections and it's just two people playing naked rugby (lol), it just doesn't interest me at all (unless if someone's physical type or facial expressions are so deeply aligned with my typical interests that I'm able to spontaneously start projecting my own fantasies onto them... but often, p*rn star bodies/personalities feel a bit grotesque/unnatural, kind of like the extreme muscularity of a bodybuilder).

Occasionally, I've written stories where there are two "Character #2"s that both have the "intrinsic" style. Like, there'll be two people where neither of them have a *fetish* for pink socks, but they both just really love pink socks, and they might be going back and forth showing off their socks or talking about pink socks and getting mutually excited. It sort of just becomes a vehicle for two cute people both being cute together and getting turned on by each other's cuteness. But usually I find there comes a point where that loses energy, like either 1) it becomes unrealistic/implausible that they'd continue caring about pink socks so much if they don't have a fetish, 2) there are certain pieces of the situation that would be arousing to Character #1 that aren't arousing to the people without the fetish, so it ends up feeling like there's some wasted potential... like, they can't fully appreciate the depths of what the pink socks have to offer.

***

The problem or "block" that I usually run into with this type of story-writing is that Character #2 usually crosses a "line" at some point with their teasing of Character #1 where Character #1's reactions suddenly switch from sexual arousal back to the original/historical phobic response. And at that point, Character #2 notices that Character #1 is looking sad/fearful and the story ends with Character #2 taking care of Character #1 and being kind, gentle, understanding, accepting toward them.

Which of course is still super-enjoyable to write, and I end up feeling really relaxed/calm/cozy/warm afterwards. But it's always felt like a little bit of a let-down when usually my original aim in writing is to maintain/escalate a sense of erotic tension. So then to always have it turn into a fear where the main character suddenly is shaking/apologetic is mildly disappointing.

This is going to be a bit disorganized because I'm pretty confused.

The anime Clannad: After Story has been on my to-watch list for about 10 years. I watched the prequel series about a week ago and then marathon-watched all 25 episodes of After Story today.

Background:

• Clannad is a visual novel that got adapted into an anime with two parts (Clannad, Clannad: After Story). Most visual novels have different paths that you can take (e.g. you're playing as a main character, you meet several characters, and based on a handful of key decisions you make, it'll pick one of those characters for you to deepen your relationship with and you get to play through their "route").
• After Story is widely considered a masterpiece. It's currently the 14th highest rated anime on MyAnimeList and the 3rd highest rated anime on AnimeNewsNetwork.
• After Story also has a reputation for being emotionally devastating and being very effective at making even the most cold/detached watchers sob uncontrollably.
• I'd forgotten about After Story until I watched Assassination Classroom a few weeks ago and saw a bunch of comments to the effect of, "If you enjoyed getting wrecked by this show, you might enjoy After Story." And I did enjoy that, so it felt like a natural progression.

I have no idea how to write about this. It was a confusing experience. For me there seem to be four sorts of phases to the show:

1. Episodes 1-8 are like a continuation of the first series, continuing to follow different characters' arcs for 2-3 episodes each.
2. Episodes 9-16 follow Nagisa's arc and wreaks the emotional devastation that I was expecting to happen, but sooner than I expected it to happen
3. Episodes 17-21 continue the same arc, wreaking further emotional devastation beyond what I anticipated
4. Episodes 22-24 and the OVA explore different alternative endings

The confusing thing:

• I experienced multiple emotional climaxes around Episodes 16-20 and felt like I had deeply connected with a worldview that is completely different from my own.
• But then for the rest of the series, I felt like the alternate endings pushed me into a different sort of emotional direction and pushed me back to my original worldview.

***

I took some notes while I was watching that I'm trying to piece together in chronological order. (Apologies, this is going to be messy.)

• What I'm able to relate to (and what I already understand in the abstract and feel comfortable with as part of my worldview) is the process by which the main character was able to start a new job and gradually become successful at it.
  • He tried a new thing and had difficulty with it at first. But the person who was training him was patient/forgiving and invested time into trying to teach him how to do things, and encouraging him when he did things successfully. Through practice, the MC developed skills and gradually became acclimated/habituated to this new thing until it became a new normal and he was gradually trusted with more difficult/independent work and considered a full member of the work team.
  • This work relationship (between the supervisor and the MC) operates partly on trust and faith/optimism (i.e. "I believe this person has the potential to become a good team member and I'm willing to help them to grow into what I believe they can be") but it is primarily a transactional relationship (i.e. "I'm kind/generous to this person because I believe they are useful to me and it's a mutually beneficial arrangement that works for both of us from the vantage point of enlightened selfishness; he needs wages and I need someone who can help me with this job")
• The main thing I notice with the "different" worldview that makes it different from how I see things is that the characters are very attached to specific times/places/people. They effortlessly latch onto conditional things and commit to them with complete passion/dedication. Like, they will say things such as "I will always be with you" and they genuinely mean it and believe that they will be able to keep that kind of promise.
  • There are a lot of shows/books/movies where characters will tell other characters that they love them. And I can certainly sometimes feel the vulnerability/loneliness/desire and interpret that love as "I feel deeply fragile/vulnerable, I feel a strong connection toward you as a person who is able to help pacify/heal that side of me, and I'm deeply grateful that you are alive and connected to me." But that doesn't necessarily mean that I see that type of love as something to idealize/admire/aspire toward, since while it is certainly pleasant it seems to depend more upon the lucky/fortunate existence of another person who is compassionate/caring. What makes this anime feel different to me is the degree of commitment/action/effort that the characters put forth toward keeping their promises (especially the male characters). In most other media, usually it feels a bit like when characters say they love each other forever, they're just saying things without understanding what they're saying. They have feelings that seem strong but haven't been backed up by action and would likely crack under even the slightest bit of pressure. (I feel like this is a topic that I recall seeing explored very deeply in Christian theology, since there are all kinds of discussions of what it means to actually love God or love others given that those are the primary commandments.)
  • The characters in this show are dependent on needing specific things to happen in order for them to be happy. The characters operate as though there is no alternative to succeeding at these things and they do everything they possibly can in order to make those outcomes a reality.
  • The characters in this show also operate on the assumption that other people need specific things to happen. They tend to be deeply empathetic/aware of each others' dependencies and they tend to be very encouraging/proactive and go well out of their way to try to both learn about other people's situations and do all that they can to make other people's dreams successful.
  • The attitude that the characters have is as though each person has certain dreams that they are destined to pursue. Like there is something in their genetic makeup that requires that they do/try certain things and there is no happy alternative. Like even if they ignore or bury something, it will eventually retain some power and lie dormant until it bubbles up to the surface and forces characters to recognize its reality.
• Within the show, there is some acknowledged tension between parts of the view above and a different view that recognizes the existence and necessity of change.
  • The MC has a deep emotional attachment to the place where he grew up, the school where he made all of his friends, and he's upset to see it changing. (E.g. the school building where so many things happened while he was growing up is being torn down to make a new building that can hold more students.)
  • The characters who are accepting of change express the attitude of, "Well, that's just what needs to happen. It will help a lot of people to expand the school building and that's something socially necessary. Furthermore, the new school building will also become something unique/special for the people who grow up in it. So, it's not right for your own individual/sentimental attachments and nostalgia to stymie some change that needs to happen because it benefits the greater good."
• When characters do follow their own dreams with full passion and act according to what they want, this leads to some complications that aren't otherwise present.
  • Guilt - people feel responsible when other people are hurt as a result of something that seems causally linked to their own actions. "If I hadn't decided to approach this person and been so insistent upon befriending them, maybe they wouldn't have suffered so much from all that happened to both of us after they became close to me."
  • Regret - people feel regret when they are hurt as a result of events that they seem to have brought about. "If I hadn't decided to approach this person, I wouldn't be suffering so much as a result of losing them."
• The characters readily and easily form strong relationships that are based on patterns of dependence upon other specific people as something natural, necessary, and normal
  • When characters help each other, they do so with the attitude of, "I am responsible for helping you achieve your dream because you are my friend/family member or a person in need"
  • Characters also have the same attitude of expecting to receive similar help in return: "It's okay for me to ask/demand/expect you to provide support/help/assistance me in my dream because you are my friend/family member or I am a person in need"
• The striking thing for me is that in this show, and I believe also in real life, children especially experience this kind of dependence upon specific people/events. They need certain people to care for and support them or give them certain things. It means the world to them if something happens and it's absolutely crushing if something they want doesn't happen.
• The characters enter into these types of relationships not with a feeling of being burdened (e.g. "So and so is expecting too much of me"). They also don't have any anxiety about being asked to do too much or about failing to give everything that someone else needs. Rather, they generally tend to embrace these relationships with a feeling of meaning/purpose.
  • The main example of this I see is with the parents in this show. They feel blessed that they have children because "now I have someone that only I am able to protect" and it gives them a reason to want to be alive. I think one quote I jotted down in my notes was, "I had to support the life of two people that day, but rather than a burden it was a joy."

So, if I had to describe the basic worldview that I got out of watching 90% of Clannad, it would be that these are characters that readily and easily enter into deep, dependent relationships upon impermanent things. They attach importance to places, people, things, events, and dreams that have no guarantee of being something that they can achieve or keep. But because they want them so badly and are so deeply committed to them, they eagerly/enthusiastically commit to carrying out extraordinary actions necessary in order to create/preserve the conditions for the existence of those things. And they feel no anxiety/burden in doing this, because the things they want feel like they are worth the trouble. Either that or they are so stubbornly/single-mindedly devoted to their goals that the possibility of failing doesn't enter their mind at all, and their reaction to any setbacks/obstacles is to continuously try to push through or find alternative paths.

That's what I really can't relate to. My worldview tends to be that absolutely everything is shifting/unreliable/untrustworthy, and so it doesn't make sense to invest completely into any one thing unless if either 1) there is a high probability of success, or 2) the cost of failing is minimal.

***

The last few episodes of the show explore alternative timelines.

• In some of them, certain devastating events are avoided and we get to see what "could have been" in the happy endings, and it takes on deep significance based on seeing how much the characters suffered in the main timeline.
• In some other timelines, the characters don't get to experience deeply meaningful events because they stray from what are their goals in the main timeline. (E.g. the primary love interest in the main story just becomes a complete stranger and never undergoes any major character development or makes the same friends because the MC walked past her instead of approaching her in the first episode.)

I think the way that Clannad *wants* me to see these timelines is something along the lines of, "Look how miraculous/precious it is that we have some of the things that we have. Don't take them for granted and be deeply grateful for everything we have that goes right."

I feel like I had a different reaction after being completely emotionally drained by the main timeline. I couldn't feel attached to anything that was happening in the alternative timelines, because it felt so unreal. I can't get excited about a timeline in which the MC and his family live happily ever after, after having seen an exceptionally real/plausible timeline in which his family dies. My reaction wasn't "I'm glad that they somehow dodged that negative outcome" so much as, "I can't feel happy with this positive outcome because I see how deeply fragile/unreliable/untrustworthy it is and that their lives are hanging by a thread if the only way they manage to stay happy is because they're dependent upon hoping for miracles to occur."

One of the last couple episodes contains a recap of the events of most of the series, and it shows the initial dialogue from the first episode of the series, which now has a deeper significance at the end after witnessing everything that has occurred.

Nagisa: Do you like this school? I really, really love it. But nothing can stay unchanged. Fun things, happy things... they can't all possibly stay unchanged. Even so, can you keep on loving this place?

Tomoya: Just find new fun and happy things.

***

I'm not sure how I feel about all of this. I'm torn. I think the attitudes Clannad would endorse are as follows:

• Passion/gratitude: "There are some things that are so deeply special/important to us that we are passionately driven to obtain/protect them, we couldn't imagine ourselves living without them, and we are deeply grateful for the miracle of their existence while knowing that they could very easily not exist."
• Commitment/action: "Find things that you are single-mindedly and absolutely devoted to creating/obtaining/keeping. If the things you've deeply loved and invested all of yourself into disappear, then look for new things to invest yourself into with the same passion/energy."

The antithesis to these views would be the following:

• Cynicism/stoicism: "There are some things that are deeply satisfying but so impossibly difficult to keep/retain that our attachments to them are a cause of tremendous suffering. People would be happier if they were able to learn to live without these things and find contentment in their absence."
  • Asceticism/minimalism: "People are happiest if they are able to find contentment with as few things as possible or only modest/simple things that are easily obtainable and controllable."
• Prudence/restraint: "Only invest fully in those things that are most eternal/permanent and be willing to release those things that are ephemeral/transient. Do not promise anything if you are unable to keep that promise, and be skeptical of your own willingness to make promises."

I think the synthesis would be something that acknowledges value in both sides and permits both sides to exist:

• Taoism/duality/cyclic existence: "People will sometimes feel called to action and sometimes called to inaction. Action and rest are complementary and equally natural, acceptable, and necessary. It is right for an active person to practice activity until they are called to abandon it. It is right for an inactive person to practice inactivity until they are called to abandon it. It is correct for people to do whatever feels appropriate to them and cease to do this whenever it feels appropriate to them. Whatever arises into being shall at some time cease to exist, and whatever has ceased shall at some time return into being."

Basically, if you feel like being passionate, then by all means feel free to do that. And if you feel like being dispassionate, then by all means feel free to do that. I guess this synthesis is so broad though that it isn't really that helpful except to function as a general background/space for exploring specific concerns.

***

Certain things in Clannad are just crazy. There's one character who has gone through hell and experienced a significant/very well-earned transformation. But then right when they're about to start living a fulfilling/meaningful/compassionate life and being an amazing parent, their child just suddenly dies, which causes them to also die from shock.

That makes me think that... I should probably try reading the Book of Job at some point. I barely recall reading it for a literature class in school ages ago, but I remember it being very compassionate in how honestly/poetically it acknowledged the existence of undeserved suffering.

I feel like one of my pet peeves in TV/movies/books is when a character is being made to suffer but the medium fails to acknowledge that anything is happening. Like, when characters are just casually callous/mean and there isn't any evidence that the creator sees them as mean. I find horror movies to be really compassionate and therapeutic sometimes, even when they're full of violence, just by virtue of the fact that they are deeply aware of the fact that violence is violence.

Have been having some dreams.

Yesterday

I am a bee with a group of other bees. I am trying to save the other bees by putting them in a well-protected area where they won't dry out in the sun. They are shaded and safe. But my plan neglected to take into account making sure that they have food and aren't thirsty, so they end up dying in a different way. The bees are lying there motionless, others aren't aware of why, but I know why and am feeling guilty.

There are different types of support or happiness. Providing for one type does not necessarily satisfy the others. Particularly, satisfying conditions of safety may not provide substance/meaning.

I am with a family who is getting a new dog. I have watched a television program that exactly mirrors the events that are taking place up to that point, so I effectively feel that I'm able to see the future because everything I saw so far has occurred. I know that the next thing that is supposed to happen is that the dog suddenly staggers and becomes violently ill, throwing up everywhere. I see the dog start to halt in its steps and stagger, and I retreat knowing what will be coming and not really wishing to watch it. When I come back, nothing bad has happened and the dog is completely fine. I had warned everybody of what would happened, but they weren't concerned about it, and it turned out not to have happened.

There is a question of whether premonitions and predictions are real, or whether they are helpful if they are real. There is also the observation that empathy/compassion in terms of high sensitivity/concern/reactivity to another's suffering can actually be a factor in preventing one from performing concrete actions that help prevent or alleviate that suffering. If a person is permeable or so affected by suffering that they feel incapacitated by any contact with it, then they're able to recognize its significance but they're unable to stand in the midst of it in order to perform work in interacting with it to transform or remedy it.

***

When helping becomes burdensome, one shies away from it, even if the end result is that one wastes away or undergoes a sort of slow decay similar to the bees. One set of needs has been satisfied but a different set has not.

The strength of the shy, cautious, sensitive, introspective person is that they step lightly and do not impose to alter things until it is clear that such an action will not worsen things. They are able to perceive possible futures, they care about those futures, and they are able to prevent negative outcomes.

The faults of this person would be if those same positive qualities of insight/predictive accuracy and empathy/sensitivity/care led to a situation of total indolence/inaction because it appears that all possible actions result in suffering, implicate one in a negative outcome, or result in the reception of external suffering that is overwhelming or painful.

The person who cannot see the future, cannot feel significant empathy, but still has positive intent and a desire to act might accomplish more than a person who is able to see/feel enough that they are fearful of all actions and their results.

Today

An eccentric man is working on an invention that connects an organ to a piano where pressing keys on the organ has the effect of playing the piano. He is working by himself in a room separated from a convention or celebration with other rooms containing more people. The man has asked some people nearby to help in testing the machine. They are playing a piece on the piano, and he asks them to transpose to a different key. They are unable to without errors, so I impulsively walk over and insert myself into the situation, taking over for one person who has been playing incorrectly--and playing it correctly.

The helping in this situation is not performed with any specific intention or identity. There is just a perception of something that is incorrect or needs to be fixed, an accurate perception that I am able to perform that action, and the injection of myself into that situation to perform that action.

This action does not involve emotional labor or fear. It is simply something I am able to do, and it is simultaneously something that is necessary. It is also something transient. The expectation is not that I will remain at the piano forever. It is not that I am signing up to be a permanent helper for the man or entering into a contract. There was merely something to be done that was quick and easy for me, and where I had value to add, and so I did it. And having done that thing, I am absolved of all responsibility and free to return to whatever I was doing prior to deciding to help.

I am on a train with an ex-girlfriend. Then I am in a car with her, driving her around to locations that are of personal significance to me. She is interested to learn about those meanings. In a separate part of the same scene, I am acting and emulating some characters from "Rick and Morty" and becoming fairly detached/callous in a humorous way. She is attracted or gratified in seeing the range of characters that I am able to act out and in seeing a different side of me.

Yesterday I was taking to someone who mentioned a wedding that she went to where a person there made a speech for the bride but it felt clear that the speech was somewhat self-centered... or rather than being designed to make the bride feel good it was an expression of all of the ways in which the bride had benefited the speaker and of all of the ways in which that was significant to the speaker.

Memories are any things that matter and have personal significance. Expression is wanting other people to take interest in one's own stories and find them to be as interesting or get as emotionally involved in them as the expressive person is.

When growth takes place, it is wanting others to have a sense of the baseline and knowing the significance of the change that is taking place relative to what is normal, and being able to appreciate whatever milestones are happening and find meaning in them.

***

I recall watching Maria-sama ga Miteru and feeling that the ending of the 4th season was a bit weird. The character arc for Toko or the direction that she is instructed to grow in by Noriko is to view Yumi in herself rather than filtered through Toko's desires for what Yumi should be. The final resolution after Yumi and Toko have been united is that Toko takes Yumi on a tour of some places that are special/significant to Toko based on her family's history and her own memories. It struck me as a self-serving date or something that primarily benefits Toko. But expressions are strange... although they seem to be primarily self-serving and a situation where the creator receives the greatest benefit from being seen, somehow there are sometimes others who enjoy being on the receiving end of those expressions and possibly receive some benefit.

The inventor in the first part of this dream feels like the ideal for creation: to be single-mindedly invested in a particular task without significant concern for whether it is popular or whether others will flock to it. To simply do what needs to be done. That is the same nature of the helping by the character that I embodied in the dream. It doesn't matter whether the action looks good or seems to be arrogant or how it interfaces with one's own identity. There is simply something that needs to be done, I am the person to do it, and so I will do it. And once I have done it, that is all that needs to be said; the action was completed because it was the right thing to do and I was the person who was able to do it.

But the process of the other part of the dream is something different and special in its own way, to become deeply interested in the specifics of a story, to care about a character on the basis of knowing everything about them, and to really treasure any shifts or changes based on the context of having a baseline and seeing how important or significant those small steps or modifications are. And there is a kind of emotional/personal connection there that has depth where there is a sense of one person being "seen" in their feelings or meanings.

The labor associated with the inventor/creator is task-oriented. The labor associated with the car is emotionally-oriented.

******

Other thoughts I was having today

There is an organization that I will not name with which I am still angry and feeling anxious about having any connection or participation. My primary grudge against them is that they blur facts and marketing in a way that harms people.

Facts are treated cavalierly, as though they don't matter. People who need information and facts in order to do their jobs are unable to receive the information that they need because the organization cares more about protecting its image than helping people. The people at the top have a strong interest in concealing the seriousness of any problems.

If the organization really cared about people's suffering, they wouldn't obfuscate in a way that erases the existence of people who are suffering. They wouldn't lie to people who are trying to help and need to know how bad the problem is in order to be able to effectively do their job. They wouldn't go out of their way to gaslight and silence people who manage to realize what is happening and have valid criticisms of the way that the organization functions.

******

Tarot

I did a tarot reading this morning. Exact wordings and meanings are private to me and will remain that way. Just as I only share summaries of dreams rather than the exact text written when I woke up. That way I can feel safe that if I write something highly significant and do not wish to share it in the future, that action will not be something special or unique. I will only paraphrase.

1) Devil

There is something unclean that has functioned for a while but its power is dissipating. That is a problem. There is a void left by its absence.

2) Empress

There is something simple that evades anxiety. Mere presence is blissful.

[Question: does presence manage to survive possible problems
a) Often happy things must be kept secret or else they are destroyed
b) Often happy things fail to have meaning if they do not help others
c) Often happy things are somewhat slothful or unproductive and there is a feeling afterwards of laziness or failing to contribute
d) Often happy things are of a nature that conflicts with existing work in which I am responsibly engaged and helping others
e) Often happy things create an energetic openness that makes one permeable to evils/sufferings that are only tolerable in detachment]

[Optimistic attempt to answer:
a) Happiness that is simple is unassuming and unattached and there is no effort so there is also no shame and nothing that needs to be concealed. Everything simply is doing what it needs to do and there is no embarrassment because there is no guile or deception.
b) Happiness is intrinsically pleasant and sometimes others are at peace simply by being connected to something peaceful. Trees and natural beauty do not go out of their way to attempt to be kind to people, yet people still receive peace and comfort from being in their presence.
c) There may be nuanced approaches to happiness where at one time a person allows themselves to be happier to a fuller degree, and at other times that allow themselves to lose this happiness, with the safety/comfort of knowing that it can be recovered, for the sake of something that needs to be done--and this can be seen as a different type of happiness that is more active rather than contemplative.
d) The response to c) is applicable here.
e) Happiness brings with it its own remedies. If sensitive people are prone to receiving many more forms of suffering then they also have many more tools at their disposal for healing or resolving those sufferings.]

3) Moon

There is something that triumphs in being deformed, misshapen, and gloomy. This thing is creative and vibrant in relishing chaotic permutations.

Am I moon? Am I empress? Or am I devil?

[There is another cluster related to fear, safety, secrecy, distrust, and independence. Independence is a word where once I have said it, I feel as though I wish to say it many more times and dissolve in it like a mantra. It is all tension though.]

4) Tower

Whatever difficulties appear to be occurring are the result of accumulation of energy. Typically there is insufficient energy to power these concerns. When energy is present and different distractions are cleared, then suddenly unusual problems come to light and the landscape is altered.

Having repeated a certain state many times, one has precedents for what to expect and which strategies are viable. Having moved past that state to a new state, one might no longer be able to rely on the same strategies.

Know that if things appear to be worse, it is because they are improving or advancing.

5) Chariot

This state is energized and connected as all things are--yet it does not have to try to be anything in order to affect things.

6) Sun

Things that were previously inaccessible will become mundane and normal. Things that were previously normal will become rare and impossible.

Saving this page for future reference.
https://yinyoga.com/yinsights/playing-your-edges/

I feel really blessed reading something like this. Some quotes I'm cherishing:

Don’t try to go as deep as you possibly can right away. Give your body a chance to open up and invite you to go deeper. After thirty seconds or a minute or so, usually the body releases and greater depth is possible. But not always. Listen to the body and respect its requests.

When you come into the pose, drop your expectations of how you should look or be in the pose. There is a destructive myth buried deep inside the Western yoga practice. This myth is that we should achieve a model shape in each pose. That is – we should look like some model on the cover of a yoga magazine. To this end we use our body to force ourselves into a required shape.

Be aware that our edges are not only physical ones; we have emotional and mental edges too. You may find that you are unconsciously holding back from going deeper because if you went one millimeter further you would be flooded with painful memories, thoughts, or feelings. You may not be ready for these yet. Honor your edges wherever they appear.

Our edges are always changing: yesterday they may have been quite different than today. Our bodies change. ... We cannot expect that every day our edges will be in the same place. Accept these changes and just take what is offered.

That third quote in particular feels so kind. There must be so many people who experience a clear feeling followed by a fear that that feeling will be invalidated or rejected and they will be forced to "push" through or be violent to that feeling. "If I listen, I feel like I need to stop here. Is it okay for me to listen? Is it okay for me to protect myself and care for myself? Am I allowed to love myself the way that I want to?" For someone to approach a practice like yoga that is supposed to be calming and healthy and come away feeling unsafe or worse about themselves or like they've failed or like who they are isn't good enough is really sad. To come across something like this where listening to and deeply respecting feelings and safety is not only okay but the essence of the practice and something really praiseworthy... is really beautiful.

***TW: sexual issues/topics***

I've never written directly about this topic in this thread for several reasons:

• Fear of jinxing any successes
• Slightly taboo topic
• Slightly embarrassing topic
• I have a slightly unconventional stance on this topic
• Sincere/good-faith (i.e. non-provocative/non-seductive) exploration of sexual issues sometimes still inadvertently ends up getting censored/blocked on 7 Cups

But I feel like this is a good time to write about it.

Background: Physical energy = yay

Something that I have written about a bit on here in the past is physical energy... or the centrality of it to my own well-being. It usually shows up in all of my personal systems. I consider it something that's worth trying to maintain that has a big impact on my overall/psychological well-being.

When I have physical energy, everything else seems to go well. I feel less depressed, less anxious, more socially confident, more productive, more cheerful, more relaxed, etc. When people talk about the "mind-body connection" or things like that, I believe them.

Background: Factors of physical energy

Whenever I've written about this topic of physical energy or discussed it with other people, I'll usually mention three general factors (that I've privately/jokingly called the "trinity"): sleep, diet, and exercise.

However... there's a 4th factor that I care about more than those three. I've maybe referenced it on here in passing, usually with some vague phrase like "maintaining sexual energy", but I've intentionally glossed over it and avoided talking about it.

Topic: Post-orgasm energy drop

To state things directly, anytime I orgasm, I experience a sharp drop in my physical energy that disrupts my overall well-being.

The strongest causative factor for my physical energy levels at any given time is how long I've been able to abstain from orgasm.

Factors of post-orgasm energy drop

To be clear, when I talk about energy drop, I'm not talking about the "refractory period" after sex where a biological male has to wait a certain amount of time before they're able to orgasm again. I'm talking about a longer-term decrease in energy beyond that refractory period that is noticeable on a time scale of *days* (at least for me).

The severity of the energy drop and how long it takes to recover from it depends mostly on how much energy I've "built up" or "accumulated" before the "depletion" took place. Some typical factors:

• How long I've been abstaining from orgasm
• How well I've been managing the other general factors of sleep/diet/exercise
• Whether I've been simultaneously abstaining from pornography/masturbation in general
• Whether I have anything mentally energizing happening in my life

Sidebar: External culture

I've had difficulty finding resources to help me with this, because I've found that most approaches to sexual issues don't really resonate with me.

• I don't view pornography/masturbation as being inherently evil or sinful.

• I'm sympathetic to specific feminist/ethical critiques of pornography, but I'm not generally anti-pornography:
  • I'm deeply troubled by the existence of any pornography that involves non-consenting participants.
  • A lot of pornography is misogynistic, violent, and unrealistic.
    • I have a problem with people who lack moral/emotional maturity indiscriminately carrying over these attitudes/behaviors/stereotypes/values to everyday life and assuming that real people want/deserve to be treated or viewed in certain ways.
    • Apart from this though, I don't have an inherent issue with this type of pornography existing or people enjoying it as long as it's created and consumed by consenting participants. I respect the right of people to feel/think/do what they want as long as they aren't harming anybody else against their will. Sexual fantasies are diverse and there are a lot of things I find unpleasant that other people might find very enjoyable.
    • Of course, just from a selfish/aesthetic standpoint, I'd be happy if more pornography wasn't like this, because then there'd be more stuff out there for me to enjoy that fits my tastes, lol.

• I'm not fully in-sync with mainstream medical/scientific perspectives that don't tend to say much about the post-orgasmic energetic effects that I experience. The viewpoint in that sphere tends to be that masturbation is 100% great/wonderful and there is absolutely nothing bad that can come from it -- or if any issues do arise from it, then they can be classified as "sexual addiction", at which point you're suddenly given a disease label and thrust off into some separate/stigmatized category.
  • I'm appreciative of the sex-positive, open-minded, evidence-based approach here. But it's simply an empirical fact in my own life and something that I know to be true that orgasms negatively affect my physical well-being.
  • While probably many aspects of my own experience could be described in terms of some form of "sex addiction", I haven't personally found this label to be helpful or empowering. I do things for valid reasons and because I want to do them. Embracing a label like that implies adopting a set of negative attitudes that I don't really agree with. A lot of problems, including many mental health ones, are much easier to deal with if you approach them with value-neutral language that doesn't presuppose what the correct outcome is.

• Some other sex-positive perspectives (e.g. all of those spam e-mails advertising different products, magazines giving advice on different ways to make your sexual partner satisfied, etc.) tend to focus on just increasing sexual performance/pleasure and treat orgasm as a holy end-goal.
  • I don't have a problem with this and I'm happy that these resources exist for people who find them helpful, but it's not really relevant to what I'm trying to do.

• There's an internet community called NoFap that recognizes some of the negative effects I've experienced, but there are some differences between how they see things and how I see things.
  • They tend to associate negative effects with all three of pornography, masturbation, and orgasm (PMO) and try to limit all three of them. At least for now, I only care about limiting orgasm.
    • I do notice some energy drop with pornography/masturbation even in the absence of orgasm, but it is negligible compared to what I experience with orgasm.
  • This isn't universal, but many members of the community tend to have a goal of channeling all of their sexual desire toward sexual relationships with real people, and they see that as superior. Sort of like an attitude of, "The reason men like you aren't able to have sex with women is because you're having sex with yourself. If you stop, you'll become more magnetic and get all the women you want."
    • I only care about limiting orgasms. This would still be the case even if I were in a relationship with another person.
    • I'm not seeking sexual relationships with other people. I don't see sex with other people as being intrinsically superior to solitary sex.
    • While I think it's true in my own experience that maintaining/increasing physical energy boosts my own feeling of charisma and attractiveness, I feel like it's a bit reductive to say that that alone will lead to a sexual relationship.

Orgasm frequency tracking

This post-orgasm energy drop is something very reliable/consistent and very annoying. So, for years I've been trying off and on to see whether I can prevent myself from having any orgasms (i.e. seminal retention). For the past 14 months, I've been tracking lots of different factors that affect my well-being, one of which is orgasm frequency.

For example, here's what my tracking table looked like for the first 7 days that I was monitoring this last year. The "dpl" (depletion) column indicates # of orgasms on a specific day. The "days" column is the length of the current no-orgasm streak.

Based on this "days" column, here is a chart for no-orgasm streak length from 3/1/2021 to the present:

It's apparent from this that it is very rare for me to have a strength of any significant length.

• On about 1/3 of days, I have a streak of 0 days
• On about 1/2 of days, I have a streak of 1 day or less

The longest streaks I've experienced in the past 14 months are 11 days (2x), 12 days (2x), 14 days, 17 days, and 36 days.

[Note: these streaks are for non-orgasm only. Pornography usage/masturbation frequency is something I'm also tracking but it's not something I'm currently trying to abstain from. My longest streak for abstinence from pornography/masturbation in the past 14 months is 16 days, which coincided with the 17-day streak noted above. That happened in summer of last year. I recall feeling depressed for a couple weeks beforehand and reaching a point of frustration/desperation where I had a burst of motivation.]

Current status

The 36-day streak stands out as an anomaly. It's over twice as long as the next best streak (17 days). One reason I'm writing this post is because the 36-day streak is actually current/ongoing.

Which is fantastic. Basically, right now I'm having the most success with this that I've had in the 14 months that I've been tracking it, and by a significant margin.

The turning point was... sometime last month, I happened to stumble across some tips related to premature ejaculation that initially felt irrelevant, but upon reflection I felt like I was able to make use of them. I was able to generalize by saying that premature ejaculation is "ejaculating sooner than when you want to"... and for me, "when you want to" is "never".

The two major helpful things I gleaned from that were:

• Orgasm can only occur if there's a certain amount of tension in the pelvic muscles. So, a helpful thing is to continuously be aware of whether that area feels tense, and if so then pause and/or relax.
• It's easier to avoid orgasm with an empty bladder, because there's something about having a full bladder leading to there being additional pressure on certain organs associated with orgasm. (I'd suspect it's also the case that if you're unconsciously trying to "hold it", then that creates additional muscle tension.)

The understanding of tension also connects to some patterns that I was already aware of:

• With respect to edging/masturbation, the longer the duration (or the more often in general that one does this), the more there tends to be a reduction in pleasure/sensation such that the only way to maintain/sustain pleasure is by increasing overall tension/effort.
• Certain types of pornography have a tonality or feel to them that is more coarse/rough/tense where: 1) you have to be in a somewhat stressed/tense/agitated state to enjoy it or feel attracted to it, 2) consuming it tends to bring you closer to that type of state.

Got my 2nd COVID vaccine dose this morning. For most of the day it felt like the first dose (arm pain, tiredness). About an hour ago, started feeling nauseous, muscles were shaking, and confirmed I have a low-grade fever. Just really wasn't feeling good.

Am feeling better after doing the following:

• Decided to get out of bed because I wasn't feeling good lying down.
• Put on my favorite/warm hoodie, including putting the hood over my head/face
• Draped a blanket over myself (on top of the hoodie), wrapped it around my face, and buried my face/eyes in it
• Heated up some water and have been sipping it periodically, putting my hands on the warm glass, putting my face above the glass and feeling the warmth of the steam on my face. I finished one glass of water and am helping myself to a second one.

Just treating myself like a smol baby. Feels very nice. Nausea is gone and body is no longer shaking. Arm isn't aching as much.

There have been waves of heat roaming around in my body. I'm assuming that's just my immune system being really brave and sending scientists/military trying to figure out what this alien species is that just landed. I'm glad there are grown-ups in my body who are trying their best, know what they're doing, and are trying to take care of me. I guess if I'm a baby, immune system would be like my mommy then, right? Lol. "[cheering] Go mommy, you can do it!"

Sending lots of love to anybody who's feeling sad or sick. You're special and it's okay to do special things for yourself that feel comforting.

^ Basically me right now