writing space

Writing methods

I give some names for them below but they're a bit arbitrary. No guarantee that I will follow these methods, but just trying to describe what I'm doing before I do it.

I) Aleatoric generation method:
1) Generate a list of words
a) Randomly sort list of letters a-z
b) Look at the list of letters starting at the top and write a word that feels appropriate.
[Example: I came up with "listen" from this list: lixystnfdjparbwmogzhceukvq]
c) Repeat steps a-b until list of words is of desired length.
2) For each word in previously generated list, write several more words based on associations.
[Example: from "listen", I came up with "noise", "toxin", and "radiation".]

II) Iterative condensed "poetry" method:
1) Start from the list of all words generated above
2) Randomly sort this list
3) Construct a "poem" with exactly two words per line by scanning down the list (in order) and deciding for each word whether it should be included or excluded from the poem.
4) The process above in steps 1-3 represents one iteration. Use the poem generated in step 3 as a new word list and repeat steps 1-3 until the resulting poem is exactly four words (i.e. two lines of two words each).

III) Sentence method:
Starting from the four-word poem above, create a sentence that includes all four words. (Metaphorical, symbolic, dream-like tonality encouraged. Inflections or modifications of words are fine.)

IV) Interview method:
Engage in a brief self-dialogue (3-4 questions) where one voice asks the other to explain aspects of the sentence previously created. (Metaphorical, symbolic, dream-like tonality encouraged.)

Other notes:
From here, can loop by taking the words output by the interview method as an input into a new poetry method.
When doing the sentence and interview methods, I prefer to not be able to see what I am typing. Do this either by closing my eyes, looking away from my computer monitor, or resizing Notepad to the minimum height.

Actual practical execution of these writing methods

Results of aleatoric generation method:
[First word is step 1c, next three words on each line are step 2]

naive innocent defenseless defile
clue mystery description evidence
nebulous indefinite deformed chaotic
cold inhuman decisive impudent
axiom declaration rigidity definition
arouse excitation sexuality libidinous
jaw snap bite crack
slob abstruse holism destroy
havoc sprawl explore decadence
vase fragile glass brilliant
halve cut piece splinter
favorite preference identify organize
count enumerate refine explain
erase crude provisional incomplete
slur drunken height ecstasy

Results of iterative poetic method:

drunken inhuman
indefinite preference
libidinous decadence
cold enumerate
glass explain
sprawl defenseless
arouse havoc
impudent explore
vase destroy
splinter jaw
cut defile
nebulous slur
abstruse crude
ecstasy slob

destroy cold
crude abstruse
sprawl drunken
ecstasy slob
havoc arouse
defenseless explain

havoc destroy
sprawl abstruse
arouse drunken

havoc arouse
drunken abstruse

Results of sentence method:

In the midst of the havoc aroused by the drunken frenzy, the abstruse emerged and found itself attempting to explain its intelligible disorganization.

Results of interview method:

Q: What does the abstruse wish to explain?

A: The fact that it is abstruse but without revealing the disheveled embarrassment by which it arrived at such a sorry state.

Q: What is the havoc of the drunken state?

A: It is the inability to project a strong, stable presence owing to one's poor decision-making.

Q: Why do you describe the disorganization as intelligible rather than unintelligible?

A: Words flow where they wish and do not make sense if one follows them where they want to go; I preferred the way one word sounded even if it had the wrong meaning.

2nd loop through writing methods

Poetic iteration

meaning words
havoc owing
to sense
preferred abstruse
flow presence
want do
state explain
why inability
as wish
even if
arrived wrong
word which
follows sounded
state is
sorry without
fact describe
stable unintelligible
drunken project
disorganization strong
disheveled embarrassment
revealing poor

state havoc
why sorry
explain without
preferred words
presence sounded
revealing disheveled
describe sense
as if
drunken unintelligible
flow abstruse
wish follows
project state
poor embarrassment

poor wish
flow sense
revealing presence
why state
havoc if
preferred words
embarrassment describe
abstruse sounded
disheveled project

havoc sense
presence revealing
poor state
words describe
flow sounded
disheveled preferred

presence preferred
poor disheveled
sense describe
state revealing

presence revealing
preferred sense

Results of sentence method:

The sense lashed out in its customary way without decipherability, revealing its preferred mode of presence.

Results of interview method:

Q: What is the sense that lashes out?

A: It is the pure will or wish for freedom in all of its permutations without being tied down to particular meanings and social implications.

Q: What is the customary indecipherable modality of the sense?

A: It is to gaze at words and despise them, thereby aiming to destroy them as if to prove their hubris fallacious and worthy of mockery.

Q: What is the preferred mode of presence of the sense?

A: I am nothing and have only vague shapes and sounds that murmur in indistinct mumbles flowing through lights and chords slicing out of body parts in pleasant beams of warmth.

***

Apologies for inconsistent text formatting (e.g. colons in some sub-titles but not in others, not using "results of [...]" consistently). The asymmetry feels good to me right now.

Self-dialogue based on 2nd sentence/interview from previous post

1: hello

2: hi

1: so, let us look at this last set of questions of answers a bit further

2: sure

1: what do you see the sentence itself as saying?

2: there are verbal and non-verbal states. the non-verbal state brings the verbal state to oblivion. then, once the non-verbal state is dominant and not offset by the verbal, it is nearly impossible to understand. yet, it has its own way of doing things that is internally consistent, even if it cannot be easily communicated.

1: this is not my question but just anticipating a criticism: do you think there is an aspect of deliberate obscurantism or a will to create misunderstandings in how all of this is presented and communicated?

2: [smile] i cannot answer that question without entering into the safety of the indirect metaphors of the non-verbal state.

1: what would the non-verbal state say in response to that question or potential critique?

2: first, it would cast out all of the verbal elements with vengeful wrath in order to establish a pure space. it might resort to violent, even gory imagery if it found this effort difficult and needed a very fierce sort of identity in order to feel capable to fend off the external disease.

1: and if this violence were something that received criticism?

2: i imagine a cheshire cat laughing to itself while speaking nonsense. like, this sort of creature is beyond reproach--you poke it with a stick and it just laughs at you maniacally and starts speaking sonnets, and it's like, "oh, not sure why i decided to wake up the literary furby... that was a dumb idea. nvm then." lol. if your words are still understandable to the point that they can be criticized for their content (as opposed to their form), then they just need to be made even more confusing. :)

1: literary furby... lol... :)

2: :) it's a real problem though, this kind of expressive loop you're describing... where an external action provokes an inner emotional response, and any attempts to cleanse, express, or communicate the impact of that emotional response tend to lead to further reproaches... which have the effect of only intensifying one's initial emotionality and making it even less bearable.

1: how do you escape a situation like that where interpersonal entanglements lead to an ever-increasing mountain of social anxiety (and corresponding external judgments to the effect of, "you ought not to be anxious" or "your anxiety is your own fault and how dare you attribute any of it to any of my interactions with you")?

2: you stop speaking and become invisible.

1: what does it feel like to be invisible?

2: it's perfectly fine as long as it can be sustained. and as long as it can be ended. :)

1: could you explain what you mean by that?

2: imagine harry potter with his invisibility cloak. just snooping around in hermione's broom closet or whatever a bunch of so-called teenage "marauders" would actually be doing if they had an invisibility cloak. it's really great that he's able to sit under it for as long as he wants and as long as he doesn't sneeze or punch someone in the face after overhearing them bad-mouth his parents, or he doesn't tip over a pyramid of soda bottles... he's probably going to be fine and he can get on his merry way without being detected. however, it would be super-inconvenient if it turned out that once he uses it... he's sort of stuck there and can't get un-invisible.

1: ah, so having the freedom to be invisible when he wants to, but also to be able to exit from invisibility when he wants to return to corporeal form.

2: yup, exactly

1: i see. so, i guess just to summarize what we've been discussing so far... you feel like the best way to escape interpersonal conflict is to more or less flee. but the aspects that are required for that fleeing to feel both effective and like it isn't a trap are: 1) that you're able to flee for as long as you want, and 2) you're able to return when you feel finished fleeing.

2: i guess that's accurate. i'd say that it's only for interpersonal conflicts where there is no hope of reconciliation and it's just completely beyond my current capacity/resources.

1: i want to return to the interview stuff. you mentioned a sense that is lashing out. when asked about this, you said that it was a yearning for freedom without being tied down by meanings or social implications. could you explain that?

2: if i'm in a verbal mode and i say what i am or make myself known, that becomes something that can be stored in other people's memories and used against me. it becomes something that can begin to create a sort of consolidated image of who i am (in the minds of other people).

1: and is that bad?

2: i don't know. you're asking me a lot of questions that are hard to answer or that seem to suggest certain limiting types of answers.

1: ah, like leading questions?

2: it's the kind of questioning where instead of answering, my impulse is to want to cut down the question and sort of show all of the ways in which it's flawed.

1: is that wanting to "cut down" the question related to the following thing you said in the interview: "to gaze at words and despise them, thereby aiming to destroy them as if to prove their hubris fallacious and worthy of mockery"

2: yes.

1: [laugh] well, that's what i get for asking closed questions.

2: that's alright. you're doing what you're supposed to. and i feel fine with this format. and the paradigm of asking only open questions is something else that can be struck down and spat upon if needed. :)

1: spat upon? isn't that a bit extreme? :)

2: well, in my mind i can do anything i want. it's only when those words start to translate themselves into vocalizations that i need to apply a trumpet mute to make the loud notes a little bit more muffled.

1: haha, well i'm interested in this thing you're saying about open/closed questions.

2: i guess i'm saying that there's a kind of technical emphasis in listening upon the value of open questions.

1: uh huh.

2: and... i, uh

1: do you see open questions as valuable?

2: that question sucks

1: lol. what would be a better question?

2: a better question... "how do you define a better question?"

1: and your response?

2: a better question is one that invites me to speak, that feels like it reflects an understanding of my inner process, and that helps me to remain within that process and in touch with my experience without throwing me out of it or making me afraid to be in contact with it.

2: a good question is one that harmonizes with my process and encourages me to deepen in it, extend it, and follow it wherever the hell it wants to go.

1: i'm not using a lot of reflections right now because it feels incredibly slow.

2: yeah, i feel like i'd get dragged down in them. like i want to keep moving and fluttering around in an agile way.

1: that sort of thing is only possible because i'm talking to myself though... if i were talking to anyone else, i'd absolutely need to use reflections liberally. especially with how metaphorical and indirect all of this is.

2: so, you'd probably cover 10% of the breadth, but what you did cover would be very solid.

1: what do you mean by solid?

2: like, if you were listening to me speaking nonsense at first, and then you sort of just stayed in the nonsense and repeated it back and followed it, maybe you'd be staying in the same place for a while. but eventually, you'd feel like you were pretty confident that you understood what i was saying. and likewise, i'd also feel confident that you understood what i was saying.

1: does that mean that the nonsensical would start to transform itself into normal language, because gradually the normal language becomes something more comfortable, and there's less need for the obscuration?

2: i hesitate to answer that... because you're asking me to commit to some kind of future rule of, "oh, just do X and i'll be sure to respond/speak in a particular fashion." like some kind of pavlovian ring-the-bell and i'll salivate on cue. which maybe i will. :)

1: what sort of listening on my end would give you that pavlovian response?

2: the thing is... i'm not sure how much of this writing style is just me being very tired.

2: normally i wouldn't write at all if i felt like this. like, there are certain states in which... i feel like i myself am s***, and anything i produce out of that state is equally questionable. and the right thing to do is to wait for that state to improve and then once i'm back above-ground i can start being very active and feel confident that i'm not just spreading poison everywhere like johnny appleseed. :)

1: lol

2: like, he's a merry fellow isn't he? just chucking out appleseeds everywhere. that's me, except i've got a bucket full of words. and if you eat a bunch of those apples or feed them to your ten-year-old who's frolicking in nature scavenging for wild food like a squirrel, i can't guarantee your safety or his safety. :P (i just assumed the child's gender, but i really was imagining a sort of ralph wiggum putz in overalls just galloping into a pile of hay and sticking twigs in his mouth and saying, "look, i'm a moth".)

1: :) so, your words turn innocent bystanders into simpsons characters.

2: i wouldn't go that far. but yeah, something like that, lol.

1: well, anything else then?

2: if i dig into the stuff sincerely and enter into my body, i'm going to fall asleep. so maybe i should just do that to begin with and spare everybody the excess words.

1: you can do what you want.

2: well, i might like to do some theorycrafting. but not in this post. and i'm not sure if it even belongs on this forum. so, that's kind of its own separate discussion topic as well... how much i want to post on here. but, it really can't go on here, that kind of topic. at least not until i'm awake and feel like my body is strong enough to tank any anxiety that that might produce and just power through it.

1: mm, sort of like when your body is in good shape, you have a lot more confidence that things will go well or that you'll be able to dig yourself out of a hole if needed.

2: yeah, like, my social interactions in real-life are trash if i'm half-asleep or have put myself into a corner where all of my energy is depleted.

1: what do you mean by trash?

2: well, that's a bit unfair. i'm really doing my best. but it's almost like, instead of feeling like i have something positive to contribute or some kind of force/energy from my own end that is waiting for an opportunity to project outwards and be of benefit... i'm really really trying to do damage control and just slink around in the shadows unnoticed. like, let me just get through the day without someone telling me that i look like an absolute zombie.

1: do people tell you that?

2: no, and i can think of many possible reasons for that.
i) they feel like zombies themselves, so they're just doing the same thing as me in trying to pass undetected as humans
ii) my zombie self and non-zombie self are not that different from one another. they both don't do much, so it's not super-noticeable to anyone except me.
iii) they're polite and have respect/tolerance for the fact that there is normal variation in how awake/energetic people are
iv) they're doing their own thing and preoccupied with their own stuff and not really bothering/paying any attention with what i'm doing or trying to think of ways to persecute me, lol

1: how does that feel not being asked about your zombiehood?

2: it's really convenient. because i don't have a good answer for it other than to pretend that i'm completely sleep-deprived.

1: is that not the case?

2: "from a certain point of view" (obi-wan), i mean if i'm basically lying, then yes, i'm sleep-deprived. in this particular instance, it probably does contribute somewhat. i woke up at 4:30 am this morning and only got another half-hour of sleep before going to work. but, there's definitely a difference between sleep-deprivation-induced energy malaise and the current energy malaise i'm experiencing.

1: the current one being?

2: well, how direct should i be? i feel like not being direct.

1: you can find the phrase you prefer

2: that's cruel to give me the option of which rope i should use

1: [shrug] i like giving people choices. you'd hate me in the alternative scenario where i forced you to speak a certain way.

2: yeah, true. oh well.

1: so, are we done for now?

2: ugh, my body feels so bleh.

1: you could go for a walk?

2: well, i guess we could strategize about energy now then.

1: are you sure?

2: hm

1: what are you feeling right now?

2: the chord C-F-B at middle-C centered at my forehead with a light gold shimmer

1: :)

2: i so want add an F# to that and just make it this gnarly, decrepit mess.

1: you haven't written music for a while, have you

2: no, it's been a month i guess. i had a week where i did nothing but that.

1: you could write sheet music and post the images to this thread?

2: eh, why?

1: because it looks cool to have insane dots and lines jumping around and intersecting one another like someone tripping over vines in a jungle? i dunno.

2: hehe

1: the last time i did that, people started asking me for audio recordings. which is a fair request... because not everyone reads music. but then when i posted them, nobody was really too excited about it. i guess it looked great on paper.

2: you could do visual art. because like, that's where my mind goes right now... if i have a music score... i kind of want to just take that and stab through it with a pen and draw a bunch of crooked/jagged lines through it and then present this ravaged piece of paper with all of these creases, folds, and tears as my finished product. and yes, it would certainly be finished.

1: would you consider a piece of paper like that to be art?

2: of course! the paper would reflect my activity of having torn it. and the act of tearing it would be aesthetically conscious... there's an energy to it, but i'd be tearing it in ways that feel good while i'm tearing. so, the end result is something that i feel good about while i'm creating it, and it continues to evolve in a way where it always feels good... so it feels good at the end too. that's what improvisation aims to do in a nutshell, just do whatever feels good at any particular moment. and just by the fact that minds tend to move, you'll travel somewhere interesting without meaning to, just by letting yourself get dragged along where you want to go.

1: anything else?

2: nope. though i keep saying "nothing" and it keeps continuing.

2: but yeah, i feel like i really am good for now.

1: alright.

2: just want to note that this is a self-dialogue and i'd never do half the stuff i'm doing if i were listening to someone else.

1: ah, like what?

2: you know... for one thing, the absolute lack of reflections. it's not needed here, because i know exactly what i'm saying while i type it. but if this were a normal conversation, you better be damn sure you understand what the other person is saying.

2: the other thing is that we're sort of finishing each other's sentences because we share a hive mind. :) that just doesn't happen in a two-person conversation. so, the whole thing where one of us is reading the other person's mind and asking exactly the right questions or knowing exactly when it feels good to nudge... or just interrupting and moving the conversation in a completely different direction... none of that really works normally. or at least, anytime you do something like that, you'd have to do it with the knowledge that you're taking a risk... and if the other person backfires at all or starts to express discomfort with the fact that you're hijacking stuff, you had better stop.

2: at the very least, it's not standard practice. you won't find "interrupting the other person" on a multiple-choice test for effective ways to listen to other people. not unless if it's one of those deliberately stupid options that you sort of know to ignore when you're auto-piloting and answering quiz questions without ever reading the material you're being tested on. :P

1: are we done?

2: nope

1: good

I feel like after being pretty sensitive/relaxed for the past couple weeks, my mindset is shifting back in the direction of tension/anxiety.

Which I'm fine with since it feels like it's purposeful:
1) There are a lot of tasks at work that feel like they're languishing and need a jolt of energy, so that's probably the main benefit or reason why this feeling is surging up.
2) Also, I'm currently in a state where my body feels pretty weak/unstable, so there's a feeling of motivation there of, "I really need to improve this and build up my resources."

Even over the past two weeks while I've been in my pretty relaxed state, there's definitely been a feeling like my physical frame had holes in it or wasn't able to "tank" things.

So, I see this shift as something potentially positive. It's an intrinsic, spontaneous sort of motivation to do stuff and want to improve things by force. Like, all of those self-help sites that tell people all this garbage about getting off their butt and accomplishing stuff... I would actually feel some identification with that type of mentality right now. (Whereas outside of this state, it feels like it's just excessively pushy, aggresive, invalidating, and sort of bullying toward a state that wants to relax and pursue its own self-determined agenda without being coerced or judged.) But who knows, maybe both poles will emerge... and that might actually be an effective way to consciously move back and forth between the two sides and reap the benefits of both... to imagine an excessive external pressure that makes me want to recoil. Will have to ponder that some more.

Current ideal activities/outlets in this state feel like work/exercise. And those activities would be aiming toward a sort of imaginary state in which I'm like a powerful juggernaut just full of focused, deliberate strength and wrecking any tasks in my way with willpower. Critical supports would be sleep and diet. (I tend to need to eat a lot more when I start exercising, or else I feel constantly hungry/weak/tired.) I'm not sure whether it's worthwhile to implement more time management or try to restrict particular activities/habits; really feels like it might be overkill.

Flaws of this "powerful" state tend to be:
1) There tends to come a point where I've demolished everything that's in my way and I run out of meaningful outlets or reasons to have energy
2) Usually, there comes a point at which my energy starts sort of attacking itself and tying itself in knots. Like, an inability to relax and a chronic sort of hyperactivity. A feeling of this excess/leftover energy that doesn't serve any purpose and only makes life more challenging/stressful.

The usual pattern there is that my body will feel super-tired and maybe have some muscle soreness, and yet I'll only be able to get 4-5 hours of sleep without waking up in a burst of energy.

When this happens, I tend to jettison everything I'm doing and abandon "energy-building" and just return to square one. So like, maybe once stuff at work is under control within 1-2 weeks, that'll happen. Usually 2 weeks is the shelf life of anything/everything.

Another major concern I have is how/whether it would affect my presence on this site. I've generally been projecting a pretty sensitive, intuitive, gentle sort of self thus far. There's absolutely intellectuality in there too, but I've more or less felt relaxed and emotionally connected when I write posts. That's given me a certain confidence that what I'm writing has the potential to be beneficial to other people (or at least not hazardous)--the feeling that my own feelings and self-connection are pretty clean. So, I haven't had as much fear of hurting people.

Also, any positive feedback I've received so far feels like it's been directed at *that* kind of more sensitive self, so that praise or sense of helpfulness is contingent upon me being in that self-state. Haven't experimented with other selves yet to be able to confirm whether they'll integrate as well socially or be of use to others. In this kind of more empowered state, I feel like a lot of my femininity gets crowded out by a more masculine dimension. It's neither good nor bad, but it's something I've tended to notice that makes some activities easier and other ones more difficult.

That might be one of the reasons I've kind of avoided exercise. It gives me a feeling of strength that really does sort of annihilate any weakness. Which is a positive insofar as I feel a little bit more impervious and like I have a huge defensive buffer. But on the other hand, it's like my feelings disappear.

This is the sort of self where if I were doing listening/chatting, I'd probably get into a very heavy sort of problem-solving mindset and be all about trying to organize/map/systematize the other person's experience or dilemma and approach it as if it were a math problem. I'd still retain my values that it's not my place to coerce people, and of wanting whatever organization I come up with to actually match the other person's experience. But, it's just a major tonality shift. But, I've definitely done listening in that state before, and it actually feels much easier and like it's closer to what a lot of people are looking for. (Some people are looking for a more Rogerian type of empathy/gentleness, while other people sort of come in with a lot of thoughts and thwarted actions or a "long story" and are looking for someone to either help cognitively process/structure that experience or develop a plan of action.) I'm not at all convinced that this current state is incompatible with interpersonal helpfulness... past experience (like actual experience as opposed to idealization) seems to point in the opposite direction. Empathy is more difficult, but everything else is easier.

I'll have to think about it some more. Either that or just start doing stuff and see what happens without prematurely trying to tie everything down. Just always helps to have some orientation for "why" I'm doing something and what results I expect before I dive headlong down a rabbit hole and begin implementing.

I remember about ten years ago, I went to a small party that my girlfriend (at the time) was invited to where I was the only non-female present. My girlfriend and her friends were painting their nails. And they asked me if I wanted my nails painted too. I felt really happy and said yes, and they were super-excited and let me choose what color I wanted. I picked a really beautiful blue and it was a holy thing to have someone else holding my hand for 15 minutes gently and carefully gifting me with an outward/visible sign of my own inner color. I was super-proud of my nails.

I went home, and my parents told me I would have to remove it before I started working at my new job or else people would make fun of me. I refused. They didn't force me to remove it, but for the next month, there was a large bottle of nail polish remover and several cotton swabs sitting on the bathroom sink that wasn't normally there. My mom graciously made periodic overtures to me that she would gladly help me remove my nail polish if I wanted her to. How thoughtful of her. For the next month, I felt extremely self-conscious at my job, even though everyone treated me kindly and nobody mentioned my nails or did/said anything to suggest that they were a problem.

Assorted things I'm now thinking about:

1) Motivation and sharing of goals

With nascent goals or pursuits, I find it extremely helpful to not share them with other people. Because, a few things seem to happen when I share my goals or prospective actions:

i) By identifying so strongly with one thing, I start to feel an automatic pull toward the opposite pole. This happens to me for a lot of things: if I say I'm something and I really say that very well and feel like I've fully expressed it, my immediate instinct is to want to dispute what I've just said and say I'm the opposite.

ii) If I receive positive feedback from other people on my motivations, then it's almost like that praise sort of checks some box or alleviates some need I have. And the result is that my motivation sort of dies off. As if that praise were enough to satiate the motivation. In any event, my motivation feels like it's greatly weakened.

iii) The more general thing is that there's also a risk that other people will criticize my motivations/goals, misunderstand them, or say things that make me feel like identifying with that motivation publicly will complicate my life or make things more difficult.

3rd point is total opposite of the 2nd point, but there's something sort of Buddhist about it, this idea of equanimity in the face of both praise and criticism. Also something Rogerian about it, this notion of both praise and criticism potentially having adverse effects. And something psychoanalytic about it, the notion of trying to maintain a neutral therapeutic frame.

(Different topic, but Rogers was heavily influenced by psychoanalysis. I don't wish to put words in his mouth, but I feel like he'd agree with the psychoanalysts that the type of free-roaming awareness fostered in free association is intrinsically curative. I feel like his main innovation, and it's an enormous one, was just to realize that giving clients interpretations can have the effect of blocking their flow. So, from one perspective, it's almost like he's a super-orthodox psychoanalyst who believes so strongly in the purity of free association that he abstains from things that other psychoanalysts routinely do. I read a journal article on this topic, though I can't recall what it was; just want to give the disclaimer that this definitely isn't my own original line of thought. I seem to remember it also being in one of his books.)

Nothing I say should be taken as me advising people to do or not do certain things. I'm only speaking of my own inner trends and what I personally observe when I try doing certain things. I can easily imagine a situation where someone might feel incredibly empowered or motivated to be sharing their motivations and goals with other people. Heck, I could very easily see a situation where I start feeling that way. The fact that I'm even writing in this thread at all is because of some kind of similar feeling.

2) Dream journaling

I'm debating whether I want to just start doing dream journaling in this thread as well, as opposed to doing it offline. Because I'm writing so much on this forum now, and because it feels amazing to have people read what I'm writing, my motivation to write outside of this site is sort of wavering. It's like I have this desire to share everything and have absolutely everything be integrated or incorporated. I realize this contradicts what I wrote in #1.

On the other hand, there's also this feeling of wanting to have certain things that are exempt from being subject to the scrutiny of other people. I'm sure that anybody who's reading this thread would wholeheartedly reassure me, "You can share whatever the heck you want (as long as it complies with forum guidelines). And you're also free to *not* share things if you so choose. It wouldn't be much of a freedom to write if there wasn't a corresponding freedom to not write." Of course, having the freedom to write something doesn't grant me a right or guarantee that anyone else will read, enjoy, or engage with my writing.

Not in a cynical sense, but from a sort of individual rights or moral perspective, I cannot expect other people to engage with my content in a certain way. The only thing I'm due that is promised or guaranteed to me is that if someone comes along and is being abusive toward me in this forum, I can complain about it or report what they're doing. There's no obligation to other people to go above and beyond that.

On the other hand, there are also some more senior or committed people who have informally agreed to be community leaders or stable members in the forum. And of their own free will (but based on having agreed to satisfy that role), they might make it their duty to go around monitoring forums/thread and trying to give attention to people who aren't receiving it. But, I'd say that it's an act of altruism on their part, or them going above and beyond what's expected. The minimum expectation is just that I can't harm other people or get in the way of what they're doing. And that what I'm writing/doing should ideally be consistent with the general purpose of this forum, which is to create a space for people to discuss mental health and hopefully benefit or feel happier as a result.

I'm guess I tend to really pay close attention to these sorts of things... what the rules are, what I can and can't expect. The rules that I think I have the greatest risk of breaking are the ones prohibiting spam (i.e. posting too much irrelevant or unreadable content) and... I don't know off the top of my head what the exact rule/"letter of the law" is regarding sexual content. Sexuality is a topic that I am really drawn to and want to discuss. But, obviously (and reasonably) there are going to be limitations on that. That'll naturally be a sort of writing where much of that has to happen outside of this site.

I should really have the forum guidelines bookmarked so that I can refer to them the next time I'm wondering, "Will writing this get me scolded/reprimanded or banned?" :D

3) Sexuality

I mentioned this earlier in this post, but I've been thinking a lot about sexuality. Categorizing different types of fantasies, correlating those fantasies with sub-personalities, thinking about sexual energy in relation to physical energy, etc. Sometimes I wonder if I'd have a home in the sexual addiction forum, for discussing some of the problems and concerns associated with sexuality. But I feel like fundamentally I have a very sex-positive orientation and tend to embrace my "bad habits" and the energy/motives behind them, so my presence/posting there might be harmful insofar as it could induce other people to relapse or turn away from their goals. I don't really want that on my conscience.

Again, it's one of those things where I really like the existence of clear forum guidelines. If there's a rule that says, "don't go into an addiction forum and start singing praises about the things that people are trying to get un-addicted from," ... then, lol. It just sounds worse and worse the more I think about. Definitely not going to do that then.

And then of course, there was that whole transgender-infused post from yesterday. That's a whole can of worms. I felt really tired after writing that. It really intersects with another previous post where I was seemingly promoting a masculine sort of conception of power/will/achievement. And then out of the blue, femininity comes back with a vengeance.

It's not as confusing as it could be, but it definitely makes me wary of making grand proclamations to the effect of, "Starting today, I will feel/think/do these things." I just can't even predict what will happen from one moment to the next, so how the heck am I supposed to commit to being something a few days/weeks from now. The only exception to that is something like my job where I know I absolutely must do it, so I'll squeeze myself into a box and do whatever contortions are required to make that happen.

Dear Person,

I apologize for writing after you've said that you don't want anyone to write to you. I just believe it is the right thing for me to do. I am reading your words imploring someone/anyone to reach out and show they care. I am imagining you interpreting silence as evidence that nobody cares and your experiences are completely alien and impossible to understand. Yet, I am here reading all of your words, feeling deeply moved by them, and desperately wanting to express this fact so that you know your feelings make sense and have touched someone, if it would have even a negligible effect.

I connect with the feeling you've described of wanting to be loved, wanting to just receive soft/comfortable hugs and fall asleep in someone else's arms while they kiss you on the forehead. When I feel that way, what I like to do is wear comfortable clothes and lie in bed smothered in blankets cuddling my pillow. I imagine that the pillow is me, that the pillow is lonely, and that I am holding and comforting this vulnerable, fragile pillow who is yearning for relief. It gives me a feeling of peace and holiness as if I were cradling a sleeping infant.

I have a similar feeling being on this forum... when I read about other people's suffering and I'm able to give something by connecting with this part of myself that feels small and isolated. It feels like it makes my suffering worthwhile or redeems it. I feel like it would be a waste for you to disappear if you are someone who could offer that kind of comfort to someone else, and really deeply understand what it feels like to be that way because of what you yourself have gone through.

With softness,
Me

***

(unsent letter... my respect for boundaries and fear of arousing unrealistic expectations/dependency outweigh my impulsive desire to be of help... sorry)

Today I sat with my housemates and just hung out and chatted with them for about 2 hours. They're fine people, but I feel so much worse than I did before I chatted with them. I've lost a lot of energy and a lot of centeredness. We have common interests (e.g. music, psychology, spirituality) but I still feel vastly different. There is some kind of interpersonal dynamic where as soon as I try to express or inject my own real self and values (as opposed to mirroring or connecting to what other people are expressing), either the conversation completely shuts down or others' responses have the effect of short-circuiting my experience.

I feel like when I share personal things, most of the time I'm taking a risk that outweighs the potential reward. I don't believe most people are bad or malicious. There is just some kind of gap where I can't experience genuine satisfaction or feel like I'm receiving anything close to what I'm giving up by engaging with them.

I had a beautiful dream. Was going to share it, but partway through writing it, I had a stomach ache. There are alternative explanations for it, but I superstitiously feel like that might have been my body's way of saying, "Hey a**hole - I'm sharing all of these secrets with you. And you're going to turn around and blab them to the world? I trust you. Please, please don't do that."

I've asked and have received permission from that self to share some things as long as
1) I don't share any of the original writing I did.
2) I present my thoughts in a sort of cryptic or poetic way.
3) I focus primarily on themes or feelings

***

i) sticker paper

i picked up the piece of paper. it had stickers on it. they were rewards. if you do X, you get a gold star. If you do Y, you get bonus points. in the background, a policeman is arresting a man. i wonder if i should help. i wonder whether there is anything to help. it is probably okay. i can be oblivious. i can walk past them. i just want my gold star and bonus points.

ii) car desert

i've parked very far away. there is a barren grass field like a desert stretching between my car and me. i can't remember where i've parked. how am i going to get there?

something that happened in real life, i remember i went to a family function. the person i trusted was there. i was tired. she spent an hour reaming me out for not having energy. everyone else was leaving, so i agreed to give her a ride home. i couldn't find my car. we are walking around trying to find it, and she's reaming me out for not being able to find it. i drive her home and i get lost because the city is winding curves intersecting other curves. she is irritated that i haven't stopped and asked for directions.

iii) earnest zealot

a young man tells me he feels deceitful. he has strict rules that he follows. and yet he's acting like he's okay with things that break those rules. he feels like he's betraying himself by seeming like he's okay with things that he really isn't okay with.

iv) sanctimonious empathy

i smile and take pity. i say it's okay and you're wonderful. but it's sick. i'm exerting power over you. i'm exerting dominance over you. if i'm able to accept you and be more open-minded, then that makes me the better person. how sick.

v) enticing eroticism

you touch me on the shoulder flirtatiously. i see two sides both of which are incredibly attractive. the first is a playfulness. and the second is a sadness.

my friend is watching. i am dumb and feel proud that someone is flirting with me. but the sadness i feel emanating from you interrupts. "i'm giggles but i actually feel really lonely. please notice me."

vi) trash man

you have balanced four trash cans over your head. you are carrying them through a maze of trash cans and rubbish.

two fall. i pick them up. i don't know how you would have picked them up otherwise. you would have had to drop the other two. how the heck were you even managing to carry all of that in the first place?

vii) philosophy pleasure

you open up a book and we start talking about kierkegaard. i am glued to your speech. you are enthralled with mine too.

the professor interrupts. the real class is starting and i have to leave.

@frigidstars27

Go go go👍🖒🖐✋👌👏

Long Post: Self-Judgment as a Self-Referential Paradox

Something I've been thinking about is my housemate telling me that they wanted to become less judgmental. This got me thinking about my own experiences with self-judgment. I want to share my own "solution" that I arrived at about 8 years ago.

Negative feedback loops

When I was about to graduate college, something I became aware of was the existence of certain kinds of loops where I would experience a thought, and then it would spiral out of control by feeding on itself. The main one was self-judgment. Here's an example of what this thought process might have looked like.

Me: Ugh, I dislike [...] about myself.
Me: Ugh, but now I'm judging myself... I'm so judgmental.
Me: Ugh, but that last thought is a self-judgment too. I'm so bad at this. I've caught myself in a trap again. Everything my mind touches turns to s***. I imagine other people don't have this problem.
Me: But now I'm just being even more harsh and negative toward myself. I am so poisonous... etc.

The general pattern is:
1) noticing a minor fault with myself
2) having an automatic thought of the form "judging is bad"
3) having #2 feed on itself repetitively because #2 is a judgment

Compassion

I want to just note that when I was doing these loops, I really was trying my best to fix things. I saw a problem with myself and really wanted to solve it. I cared a lot about wanting to be the best person I could. I knew very well that something weird/unsettling was happening, but I felt powerless to do anything about it. I felt that I had a duty to examine reality and I had tremendous willpower/motivation to want to fix things. The result is that my energy/power was fully devoted to torturing myself. :P

Things I didn't find helpful

I want to briefly note some things that I either heard or read that I personally didn't find helpful. The feedback loop I experienced was immune to many different types of guidance that I commonly came across. Actually, most of the ways that people tried to help me only had the effect of increasing my sense of imperfection ("there's something wrong with me") and further fueling my self-judgment.

1) You're overthinking/overanalyzing
2) You're being too negative/hard on yourself
3) You need to relax/let go/take it easy

I just want to note that even on a good day (i.e. without the feedback loop stuff I'm describing), #1 can be a pretty hurtful and anxiety-provoking thing to say to someone who thinks a lot. It's on par with telling someone who doesn't think a lot that they're stupid. It can provoke a global self-evaluation of the form "there's something wrong or defective with my mind".

#3 is a really interesting case because it's actually another equally impossible feedback loop! ("Ugh, I'm so tense. But that last thought is also just me being tense." etc.)

Things I found pretty helpful

Suzanne Cook Greuter - "construct-aware" stage of ego development

This gave me a lot of solace because it perfectly described this sort of experience of a mind eating itself like a snake biting its own tail--being completely aware that this is what's happening, and yet not quite having found a way past it.
http://newpossibilitiesassociates.com/uploads/9_levels_of_increasing_embrace_update_1_07.pdf

Zen Koans

I also found this validating as an analogy for what I was experiencing. What they have in common is that they are unsolvable problems that test the limits of what can be thought. With Zen though, there's an optimism to it--that there's actually some way to break free from the problem and come out the other side feeling more free or liberated.

Tibetan Buddhism - emptiness (Nagarjuna)

This helped me a lot. What the Madhyamika thinkers were doing was taking language and twisting it into knots until it just split apart at the seams (much like Zeno of Elea in Ancient Greece). It's like a hacker finding a loophole in a computer system and building the perfect virus that exploits it to wreak havoc. :) Something else they also emphasized was that concepts are a sort of layer/film that people project or impute onto an otherwise formless/non-conceptual reality.

Taoism - wu-wei
Christianity - humility, original sin, grace

In my mind, I sort of lump these together. The idea is that there are some things that can't be done no matter how hard you try, but if you're able to surrender or stop trying, they suddenly happen spontaneously and solve themselves. And actually it is your own effort that is creating the problem or obstructing the solution that would naturally occur if you were to yield (i.e. "let Jesus take the wheel").

Of course, "ceding control" is another impossible negative feedback loop. This is one lens through which I interpret theological language that says stuff like, "Humans are full of sin and cannot do anything without God's help." Of course, this language of "sin" is pretty emotionally charged and has very harsh connotations for many people. I just want to note one possible interpretation of it that is grounded in psychological processes rather than moral/social persecution. :P

Things I found most helpful: 1) recognition of non-conceptual knowing

Personal story

I have a mild form of emetophobia (i.e. fear of vomiting). I say mild because it doesn't really interfere with my daily life. Fun fact: emetophobes are actually *MUCH* less likely to vomit than the general population. My current no-vomit streak is 22 years. :P
http://emetophobia.scienceontheweb.net/emetophobia.html

Anyhow, there was one day back in 2011/2012 where I took sick leave from work because I was feeling very nauseous. I was sitting in bed at home feeling like I was on the verge of throwing up, but really not wanting to have that happen. As I was sitting there, focusing on the sensation of nausea and trying to hold it in check, I became aware of the fact that when I had certain stressful thoughts, I felt a corresponding physical tension in my body that increased my nausea.

But I really didn't want to vomit! With that as my only goal, I started turning my attention away from my thoughts, which effectively suppressed them. I did this by noticing physical sensations, paying attention to what posture felt comfortable, and listening to music (Watermark by Enya as I recall).

It was an important experience for me insofar as it led me to recognize a couple things:
1) I can suppress or choose not to concentrate on certain thoughts
2) There is a kind of non-conceptual knowing that I experience and feel within my body even when I'm not thinking

Eugene Gendlin called this awareness "focusing" and found in his research that it was associated with positive outcomes in psychotherapy. I think there are some definite similarities between this and the the concept of "mindfulness" as well.

Things I found most helpful: 2) deconstruction of conceptual knowing

Ludwig Wittgenstein - Tractatus Logico-Philosophicus

I can't remember whether it was before or after the experience above, but around the same time I found myself doing a desperately reading this text. I was turned onto it while reading Osho, who said, "this book can be of great help to those who are really third-degree insane. If they can make any sense out of it, they will come back to sanity." :)
http://oshosearch.net/Convert/Articles_Osho/Books_I_Have_Loved/Osho-Books-I-Have-Loved-00000010.html

[If you study philosophy and find the following to be riddled with errors, I apologize. These are my own subjective conclusions.]

Wittgenstein was thinking about many big/unsolved questions in philosophy, and the conclusion he reached was that the questions themselves were wrong. The project he carried out in the Tractatus was to imagine what a perfect language might look like -- if every single sentence could be definitely given a status of either "true" or "false". The main theme he developed was that there are real-world experiential objects and language is just a human construction that is trying to represent, point to, or map out those real things in a logical/verbal space. When language becomes untethered from real-world/experiential objects, goofy things start happening. (He thought that the vast majority of metaphysical problems were just a mistake arising from people using language in ways that it wasn't designed to be used.)

The thing that really struck me powerfully was the underlying notion of language as a human invention and the deep implications of that.
1) If language is a human invention, then it's not "truth" or reality as much as just a practical tool that was created because people found it helpful.
2) If language stops being helpful, people should feel free to either abandon or repurpose it.

Summary of overall thinking

1) Certain thought structures lead to irresolvable, self-referential paradoxes that can cause tremendous suffering
2) Language is not reality itself but rather a human-created representation of reality that exists for practical use
3) Therefore it is intellectually defensible to abandon thinking if it ceases to be helpful
4) Furthermore, there is a practical alternative to thinking in the form of non-verbal awareness

Shorter version: my solution to self-judgment is to listen to my body, notice how I feel while doing self-judgment, and possibly drop it (if I want to).