mmmmelp

Title: ok 7cups?
TW: none
Mood: annoyed
Energy Level: 80%

so i can't post about my struggle with ibs? like every post is ok and then I try and post about ibs and it's error 064. i'm assuming there's a formatting issue or it doesn't like all the ****' s i voluntarily added myself. i don't appreciate being censored on top of already censoring myself. 

Title: meh some tired ramblings

TW: none

Mood: Tired and a weird mix of concerned, sad/depressed, and grumpy? 

Energy Level: 30%

Today the partner came home after being gone for a week. He was home before that for all of two days before being gone then too. We've been together for two decades and know each other scary well. I know he's not being honest about something and it's making me feel off. Worried. 

Outside of that, I spent the entire last week sick. I ate something that I always eat last Sunday and it triggered a major inflammation in my large intestine. Full blown IBS flare. Everything felt bad, like I had a stomach bug. Which is always how that goes. It was so inflamed my interstitial cystitis came along for the ride. And it hasn't totally cleared yet, seven days later. And now I'm getting cysts on my skin. So, basically more inflammation. Miserable. 

I've been trying to build up to a five day a week exercise routine, also. I had to drop it in July because I had surgery. Then August came and I started it up again but apparently my body isn't able to handle moderate exercise like it had my entire life. This last two years I've noticed I get sick if I "overdo" it. Like, nausea and triggers to my autoimmune bs. I am 44 now. I spent at least 40 years going hard with no repercussion. Now, if I dare to run for 30 minutes, that's a few days to recover? Like what? I am not used to being capped on exercise. 

Other weird health *** that I really need to get checked out - today half the day I was dizzy and nauseas. I think it's because of the exercise. But I get like this for no reason. My PVCs have been up and ***. And my vision comes and goes. I am looking for a GP I like that knows virology. My last GP retried. He discovered AIDS. Really amazing find for me. Or it was. Back to the drawing board. 

So relationship and health. I guess that's what I feel like dumping on about today.

I also have a trip coming up out of country that's making me uncomfortable about deciding to go. It's extremely out of my comfort zone due to health and my general fear of travel. I know people swear by solo travel but I don't think it's for me. I used to travel with my partner a lot. Now that we're older and have more bills that happens a lot less. And speaking of bills I am also tripping about this trip because I am BROKE and have to pay rent and ***. I know I need to look at my bank account and plan a budget but I am so broke the whole budgeting idea is triggering... yea. 

And I need to find and apply to at least three jobs before I leave so I can stay ahead on the whole toxic job thing. Been looking for so long I can hardly say that I want to stay ahead of it, though. 

So relationship, health, my social life, my finances, and my job. I guess I've covered everything bugging me currently.

I talk to my therapist tomorrow. Guess I'll refer to these notes. 

Title: Energy drains keep popping up. Did I miss some weird woo astrology memo?

TW: If you hate people who waste your time

Mood: Annoyed

Energy Level: 50%

Slept like **** last night because there was an earthquake yesterday that sent my anxiety levels into the unhealthy range. And I tweaked my back so I had to lay flat all night on a heating pad, too. Poor sleep. 

Anyway, in the last week the walking energy drains have been circling. Did an announcement go out that I missed? I consider certain human being "energy drains". There's one that is a tenuous friend. We started out as frenmies 20 years ago. She's managed to drive everyone else away with her narcissism and untreated and wrongly medicated bipolarism. I hung on for a while but I'm also done because she tried to crash a family gathering a year back. She texted me out of the blue asking for a chat last week. I don't like talking on the phone. She knows that. And we have nothing to talk about either... like she NEVER does. I was being nice though and said I'll see what I can fit in schedule wise for Sunday. Sunday rolled around and my cousin called to tell me she has brain cancer. OK so obviously she takes precedent. I told my pseudo friend and her response? Lol.... ***. She left me three ******* voice memos of her crying on my phone. I stopped listening and didn't call her back. Idngaf. Not giving my finite energy to her. Don't care.

Then another whacky mofo tried to message me a few days ago. He was a random person who said he needed help in the middle of the desert outside a community I assist in running a few times a year. He had a dog and a gallon of water. Turns out he left all the things in his life and packed his possessions up and decided to come out here to the desert with zero idea what it takes to live in it. Like, Idk what's going on back at home but he seemed to think that living in the mf Mojave was gonna be a piece of cake. That was red flag #1. Then he entered our community carrying a gun. Didn't ask if that was ok. Red flag #2. Then he seemed to think he was going to live on our property after wigging everyone out with walking in armed. Red flag #3. Then he started talking about how he thinks his dog is holding him back from doing more with his life.... like what? That was it for me. We ended up taking him back to the original camp he came from and left it at that.

To be honest, I am sure he was probably ok and just needed some time to explain himself and I honestly am that person to give people that time but the rest of the community said no. It was the gun. Sorry but that's what it was. For me, it was the talk of him thinking he was an alien and his dog was holding him back from growing? Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a year and all of a sudden he texted me out of the blue. I'm good. Don't need to reopen that ****.

Weird randos coming back at the same time like... what do I look like? An oasis for lamers? Naw. I'm good. 

Title: trying
TW: none
Mood: tired and feeling down
Energy Level: 50%

I am trying to put a resume together. Resume #100 or whatever. I have written too many. It's just discouraging. And I don't like paying for the resume builder I am using so now I took a distraction tour to see how others stack up and it's just taking more energy from me than I have. So now I am just less of everything. So tired. 

Title: so stressed
TW: none
Mood: stressed the f out
Energy Level: 30%

Two days before travel. I don't want to leave my kitties. I don't want to leave my partner. I don't want to leave my home. I want everyone to understand I am a fing mess right now but I always appear calm to them. I have to finish packing and hope I remember everything to take with me. I don't even want to start thinking about the airport because that is one of the most depressing places ever imo. I'm going to a neat place but I am just tired and emotionally spent and not really wanting to deal with any of it. 

Well hello there. I am back!

I came back from Colombia on Monday night at 11PM. It's been nonstop bullsht since. And by bullsht I mean just nonstop *** to do with people I care about but I am just so f'n tired that I regret making commitments before my international trip.

I would have rather just lounged and slept all week but the day after I got back the father in law stayed with us for a night. We promised him a trip to the ballpark at the beginning of the month. When I got home from Colombia I was regretting that promise. I also had to go back to work immediately. So I landed, slept maybe 6 hours - despite jetlag and being on vacation for 9 days. Then I had to entertain an old boomer who is really very nice but who I just can't seem to accept into my cold heart. Idk what's the matter with me. Then I had literally one day to sleep and work only before I spent Thursday working and then shopping for a camping trip I promised friends I'd attend. Again, super regrets.

I love the annual tradition of going to the river with my friends for Labor Day but.... not right after 9 days in South America. I got home from work Thursday and immediately had to go to two grocery stores, pack my clothes and toiletries (again), and prepare the camping equipment. I was lucky I was able to get to bed by midnight. 

So here I am, the first Friday morning since I came back from SA. I am going to sneak out of the office around 1 or 2 so we can drive the two hours north to the campsite and get there before it gets dark. A little worried about food. My friends were talking about shared meals. I thought that's how we were going to go but my husband put doubts in my head and said we're only supposed to share one meal, each. I planned for us to have a lunch, breakfast, and a dinner for everyone because someone else was doing another breakfast, dinner, and lunch. But now I'm not sure how the food scenario is going to go because the partner was saying that's not how he interpreted the whole meal plan for the weekend. So... yea. I am also worried about drinking... I am not a huge drinker. I got some tequila mixes in a can and some rum. Gonna try and make a rum watermelon. But I don't really plan to get and stay drunk. I also like exercising everyday and am kinda hoping i can stick to that. I am also worried about sleep. I don't sleep well in a tent. And I NEED sleep! I just got back from SA. 

So this is my current entry. Aside from that, I just wanted to meniton I applied to TWO JOBS this week after I got back. And I've been hitting the gym every evening after work. Was really excited to see if my polycythemia would assist in the gym. I can't say I've noticed much other than I can actually breath lol. Oh well. Guess I need a month at altitude. Anyway, I feel productive. The end. 

Blah - I forgot the tags:

Title: really over it / super low
TW: none
Mood: stressed the f out and tired
Energy Level: 30%

I have been effectively looking for a new job since October 2023. The job market is fd. I have never looked for work this long. I need something that pays better because I need financial independence. It's important to me. This last weekend was also a major let down / disappointment. It's gonna take me some time to process which means a lot of the energy I need to focus on job searches is going to be depleted. I have to keep trying at 10% capacity and that really sucks. My long term relationship I think might have met its wall. It's been going down for a bit but I thought my partner wanted to work on it. He clearly doesn't though. Not after he made me watch him flirt with a totally different girl for three days. I'm tired. I need a new job and feel like such a loser because there isn't one to be had and I feel so low because my relationship is a joke. So tired. 

Title: men ain't sh
TW: failing relationship
Mood: upset. an emotional rollercoaster. 
Energy Level: 70%

Yesterday was rough because I genuinely have some major bs going on in my life but also I was very tired. I spent the last three weeks traveling and doing social things. I was running on a sleep deficit. The last two days I have had well over 9 hours of sleep. I think I need one more of those sleeps and then I'll probably have my wits again. 

I have been with my partner for 22 years and the last five, I've come to learn he's been leading women on. Nothing extremely serious, I think. But still bad enough that it feels bad. Two really good friends started only talking to him for a while, ignoring me fully. At first I wasn't bothered but then one (girl 1) had the balls to tell me on the week my grandma died that she thinks I have a "really great man." Like wtf, man? What does that even mean??? I've known girl 1 for 15 years. In that time my partner has always been there. She's never been like "you guys are good for each other" or something constructive like that. Instead, she just stopped talking to me altogether and then dished out some double edged ultimatum/compliment in one of the few rare moments she interfaced with me at all. While dealing with my grandmother's death. I guess I got the message pretty clear. Lost my grandma, lost a good friend, and apparently lost a portion of trust I had with a long term partner. That day sucked. 

When girl 1 told me how "great" my emotionally loose partner is that reminded me of a few times he flirted heavily with another friend (girl 2) in front of me, who also stopped talking to me. During these days I wasn't paying much attention to the behavior and when it did happen I was like... "did that just happen? naaaah. has to be in my brain." But it really wasn't. I loved this other girl too but, again - she became HIS friend. Not mine. And she would invite "us" to her house for the holidays through him. There had been a few times I noticed them locking eyes and engaging in some really ridiculous banter but the one that shook me was when her husband and I were in her kitchen with my partner and her and the two of them locked eyes and did this long winded "you, no you, no you, no you...  *giggle*" thing with each other as if no one else was in the room with them. Her husband rolled his eyes and walked out of the kitchen and I stood there like an ***. Confused and feeling really off. 

After that I felt something was off. Didn't really say anything because I didn't know what to say. I think I mentioned the girl 1 commentary and said how uncool that was. But then let it go. Well, fast forward a bit and now my partner has a new job where he's gone a lot with other groups of people for a long time for work and now I'm feeling upset and panicked more than ever before. I realized I can't trust him. This was the beginning to me telling him my issues and concerns. I even said if he's done with our relationship that's fine. That I need him to be honest. He INSISTED it's not over and he will stop talking to girl 1 and 2 fully and he'll do better at how he interacts with other women in general. Gave me his word he wanted to prove to me I can trust him... lmfao at me for believing this. I'm in my 40 and coming to find all the songs are right. Men are all the same. Cheap and loose. 

This last weekend was the final straw for me. We had the "I don't trust you" talk back in January of 2023. It's Sept 2024 and I spent the whole three day weekend on mine and my friend's traditional river Labour Day trip. My partner spent all three days flirting with some chick. Even let her feed him in front of me and all of my friends while she giggled about "feeding my man". This girl is NOT my friend. She is a friend of a friend and he has been gaga over her for years. Everything we talked about vanished last weekend. He ruined my trip. I did my best to just have as much fun as I could but deep down inside I felt it. It cut. 

Back in the day when we started dating I told him I was open to open dating. He was adamant against it. Fully and totally didn't even want to entertain the idea. So I stopped pushing and was like... fine - monogamy it is. Here we are 22-years later and I'm too old and tired to do the whole open relationship thing. Not with him, anyway. He's not trustworthy at all. 

As it is now, I am not his f'ing mommy. Not sure what can be said at this point and I definitely don't feel like I need to waste my time on another "you did the wrong thing" convo with him. It's crazy he doesn't seem to understand why this following week I am not receptive to his "I love you" nonsense anymore. He had the absolute audacity to ask me what was wrong last night. How he thinks him flirting with another chick and ignoring me all weekend was "acceptable behavior" unworthy of questioning isn't on me. Again, I'm not his mommy.

At the very least I expect an unprompted "I was wrong and am sorry" but that's not gonna fix this. I have no trust for him at all anymore. After 22-years all he is, is just another roommate I kind of like as a friend but am done living with. Maybe he can get counseling but lol... I tried to rebuild my trust in him and it's obliterated. Sadly, I think I just need to move out and move on. I deserve better. 

Title: been sleeping a lot
TW: boomers and men ain't s&*%
Mood: EXTREMELY ANXIOUS
Energy Level: 70%

f;ing ***. are we even allowed to say *** in here? i hate the cuss filters. i'm an adult and emphasizing struggles with cussing is extremely calming. being censored feels repressive and sh***y. 

anyway.

i have been looking for a new job since November 2023. my current job of six years is miserable and toxic. my bosses are trash. like literal boomer trash. literally the worst generation ever.

boomers ruined housing, the federal reserve, education, the climate/environment, and especially the job market. this is my blog entry so citations are in my life experience. if you happen on this entry and need examples then i suggest using a search engine or AI to help you along this narrative. anyway, all boomers do is sit at the top of the food chain in positions they're extremely unqualified for while refusing to understand how an inbox works. it'll be a wonder if there's anything left for the rest of us to live on after they all move into their forever boxes.

so the job i am at is a data analysis gig that requires proprietary software that I use to analyze data. how novel. everything went swimmingly until the boomer who should have never been permitted to oversee the software, missed the license renewal email in his inbox multiple times. eventually we lost our software and six years of data. he tried to lie about all of the f up. and because he knows i am not an idiot and am quite fully aware of what he did he's been extremely hostile to me. hence, toxic workplace.

so after 10 f'ing months of attempting to find new work i finally have one actual bonafide interview this coming week, elsewhere. i am both excited but also extremely overwhelmed because it's one interview after filing countless resumes for almost a year. what if i mess up? what if it's not everything I need? what if I hate it? there's not much for options. Biden's clearly lying about the unemployment rate - that sh*7 ain't no fvkn 4.5%. lying through his 'jenny sigh dal' teeth to make things look fan-fn-tastic for the 2024 elections. i have NEVER in my life looked this long for work. something is clearly wrong with the US's work economy.  

so I am stressed. 

i need out of my current position but not necessarily the whole company. just out of the broke a%%ed team I am on. i also have a resume in on another internal team at my job. i kind think that would be better? it pays a bit more than the other interview I have and if i stayed on with the current company it would look like i am moving up instead of over, i would still keep all my besties who i honestly love to death, i'd get to do more remote work - which i need for my mom's health, and i would be working on a team that would royally scare and pi** my current bosses off... so i could be as petty af as i'd like... which i would thoroughly enjoy. 

so basically i am stressed out because after working for a whole gd year to effect change in my life, it looks like change is coming but like... how soon and what does it look like?

all of this on top of the last issue which is my 22-year old partnership with my significant other is royally f'd up and he's taking zero responsibility for it. i am too poor to just move. and the last time he did this sh** i had a cheap a&& place to move but he talked me out of it with a "i promise it won't happen again." and boy do i feel like an a%%&*(& for believing him. if i had the money i'd move out now. 

i haven't talked to my therapist in three weeks because of the holiday and vacation. Monday's going to be a whole deal. can't wait but also can't imagine everything's going to get covered in a hour. so...... sad frustrated defeated sigh.

Title: not today
TW: 
Mood: A lot of sadness
Energy Level: 50%

Listening to the female VP talk to my coworkers outside my area. That b doesn't equally support us. She picks favorites because she lacks a spine. She upholds employees who mess up horribly and punishes employees who attempt to actually do their jobs and alert her of mistakes. I hate her voice. I wish something awful would happen to her. 

I'm having a day.

I woke up this morning after barely getting much sleep. I am barely on my C game for today. Not honestly sure if I am ever on my A game though tbh. If I had the time I would've called in today. I could use time for myself. I'm juggling too much right now. The worst of it is a crumbling 22 year relationship with what I call my husband. But he's never proposed and he's always evaded my marriage questions so I guess I dodged that bullet?

Recently, he's showed me a side of him that I can't get over. And even my friends and therapist think it's a pretty bad problem so I know it's trouble. A part of it is he refuses to take responsibility. In fact, that's the main part of it. 

Anyway, he went out of town for the night and during that time I put him on silence. He keeps texting me and trying to talk to me like nothing's wrong. I needed the detachment and silence. I guess I'm glad he left for work for the night. But it's painful. We've shared everything together for 22 years. I walked around my house and hid all the pictures of us and there was one panel with our names written on it. I hid that too. That was helpful. Except this morning when I went through old pictures and there we are hugging and kissing. 

Everything sucks so hard right now. 

Why do men turn into toddlers after 40? 

Title: i hate everything
TW: nothing
Mood: anxious
Energy Level: 80%

I don't really feel like writing but I also feel like at least writing thoughts down. I think I' a cat. I want something and I don't want something at the same time. I wonder if there's a word for that. Let's ask perplexity...

Welp. I guess I am having a moment of ambivalence. What an annoying thing it is. 

It's the weekend. I have somewhat worked the most recent relationship issues out with my partner. I have to find us a FAIR couples counselor. My current provider of therapy has three available but they don't seem to have strong couple's therapy skills when I dig into their credentials. So, just like every other piece of *** medical need in my life right now, this is going to take more time than I have to get what I need.

I also need a GP that understands my particular set of chronic issues and who is willing to work with my naturopaths. I had a recent lead but it turns out she isn't taking patients now. Sigh. Finding competent doctors is extremely difficult.

I also need to prepare for a job interview on Monday morning. I'm scared. I want out of my current job so bad but I am afraid to end up somewhere I will dislike even more. And I truly do need something that will let me work remotely while I take care of my aging mom 1500 miles away. And for as long as baby boomers continue to destroy this planet and the economy, this is going to be difficult to achieve. I am worried the interview is gonna be like - so can I do remote? And they'll say, no. And then I'll be like.... sigh. After 10 months of looking for work, too. F. 

I also have a list of other stupid *** to do. Vacuum - haven't been able to do that due to an extreme heat wave that just ended. Sell crap I don't need but I have no time or patience for this. Study Spanish for Monday. I feel so inadequate.

Just also got word that my sweet lovely cousin is back in the hospital. Meh. 
 

Title: stressed all the time
TW: none
Mood: ew
Energy Level: 60%

I hate that it's my time off of work and I should be chilling but I just feel extremely stressed the f out

Title: super over it
TW: none
Mood: thumbs down
Energy Level: 60%

Today I am POORLY managing a lot of anxiety. 

My PVCs are running uncontrolled to the point that I am sitting on my couch and wondering if I should take a nap. I have storage issues with pretty much every account I own. I am starting to try and work on that but it’s time consuming and seems stupid to prioritize. This stresses me out. I have a preliminary job interview tomorrow for something I am unclear if it will even be a good fit. Firstly, I have waited so long to get two different preliminary interviews now in the last 10-months. One is still out on verdict. Though, I got an email about another position at that facility just being fully cancelled. So disrespectful of applicant’s time and expectations. This new job's preliminary interview is just scary. I have been looking for 10 months. What if this one sucks on my end or theirs? Then what? I have to keep looking. I want to d e i. (Not entirely true but not entirely not true). So stressed. My house is a f'ing mess. I was gone for three weeks and the fourth week I returned there was an absolute b of a heat wave so I couldn’t clean. We are on four weeks of only sweeping cat hair. And now I have ants that came during the heat wave and won't leave now. I need to start sorting clutter again. It's building up. The clutter and house chores are kind of the final blow to my stress maximum quotient for this weekend. I feel like sleeping.

But wait there’s more! There’s my compost bin. My Spanish lesson tomorrow. My endless doctor search. Doctor's bills. School I need to finish. My couple’s therapy search. My yard. I am financially BROKE. Ugh…