mmmmelp

Title: ok 7cups?
TW: none
Mood: annoyed
Energy Level: 80%

so i can't post about my struggle with ibs? like every post is ok and then I try and post about ibs and it's error 064. i'm assuming there's a formatting issue or it doesn't like all the ****' s i voluntarily added myself. i don't appreciate being censored on top of already censoring myself. 

Title: meh some tired ramblings

TW: none

Mood: Tired and a weird mix of concerned, sad/depressed, and grumpy? 

Energy Level: 30%

Today the partner came home after being gone for a week. He was home before that for all of two days before being gone then too. We've been together for two decades and know each other scary well. I know he's not being honest about something and it's making me feel off. Worried. 

Outside of that, I spent the entire last week sick. I ate something that I always eat last Sunday and it triggered a major inflammation in my large intestine. Full blown IBS flare. Everything felt bad, like I had a stomach bug. Which is always how that goes. It was so inflamed my interstitial cystitis came along for the ride. And it hasn't totally cleared yet, seven days later. And now I'm getting cysts on my skin. So, basically more inflammation. Miserable. 

I've been trying to build up to a five day a week exercise routine, also. I had to drop it in July because I had surgery. Then August came and I started it up again but apparently my body isn't able to handle moderate exercise like it had my entire life. This last two years I've noticed I get sick if I "overdo" it. Like, nausea and triggers to my autoimmune bs. I am 44 now. I spent at least 40 years going hard with no repercussion. Now, if I dare to run for 30 minutes, that's a few days to recover? Like what? I am not used to being capped on exercise. 

Other weird health *** that I really need to get checked out - today half the day I was dizzy and nauseas. I think it's because of the exercise. But I get like this for no reason. My PVCs have been up and ***. And my vision comes and goes. I am looking for a GP I like that knows virology. My last GP retried. He discovered AIDS. Really amazing find for me. Or it was. Back to the drawing board. 

So relationship and health. I guess that's what I feel like dumping on about today.

I also have a trip coming up out of country that's making me uncomfortable about deciding to go. It's extremely out of my comfort zone due to health and my general fear of travel. I know people swear by solo travel but I don't think it's for me. I used to travel with my partner a lot. Now that we're older and have more bills that happens a lot less. And speaking of bills I am also tripping about this trip because I am BROKE and have to pay rent and ***. I know I need to look at my bank account and plan a budget but I am so broke the whole budgeting idea is triggering... yea. 

And I need to find and apply to at least three jobs before I leave so I can stay ahead on the whole toxic job thing. Been looking for so long I can hardly say that I want to stay ahead of it, though. 

So relationship, health, my social life, my finances, and my job. I guess I've covered everything bugging me currently.

I talk to my therapist tomorrow. Guess I'll refer to these notes. 

Title: Energy drains keep popping up. Did I miss some weird woo astrology memo?

TW: If you hate people who waste your time

Mood: Annoyed

Energy Level: 50%

Slept like **** last night because there was an earthquake yesterday that sent my anxiety levels into the unhealthy range. And I tweaked my back so I had to lay flat all night on a heating pad, too. Poor sleep. 

Anyway, in the last week the walking energy drains have been circling. Did an announcement go out that I missed? I consider certain human being "energy drains". There's one that is a tenuous friend. We started out as frenmies 20 years ago. She's managed to drive everyone else away with her narcissism and untreated and wrongly medicated bipolarism. I hung on for a while but I'm also done because she tried to crash a family gathering a year back. She texted me out of the blue asking for a chat last week. I don't like talking on the phone. She knows that. And we have nothing to talk about either... like she NEVER does. I was being nice though and said I'll see what I can fit in schedule wise for Sunday. Sunday rolled around and my cousin called to tell me she has brain cancer. OK so obviously she takes precedent. I told my pseudo friend and her response? Lol.... ***. She left me three ******* voice memos of her crying on my phone. I stopped listening and didn't call her back. Idngaf. Not giving my finite energy to her. Don't care.

Then another whacky mofo tried to message me a few days ago. He was a random person who said he needed help in the middle of the desert outside a community I assist in running a few times a year. He had a dog and a gallon of water. Turns out he left all the things in his life and packed his possessions up and decided to come out here to the desert with zero idea what it takes to live in it. Like, Idk what's going on back at home but he seemed to think that living in the mf Mojave was gonna be a piece of cake. That was red flag #1. Then he entered our community carrying a gun. Didn't ask if that was ok. Red flag #2. Then he seemed to think he was going to live on our property after wigging everyone out with walking in armed. Red flag #3. Then he started talking about how he thinks his dog is holding him back from doing more with his life.... like what? That was it for me. We ended up taking him back to the original camp he came from and left it at that.

To be honest, I am sure he was probably ok and just needed some time to explain himself and I honestly am that person to give people that time but the rest of the community said no. It was the gun. Sorry but that's what it was. For me, it was the talk of him thinking he was an alien and his dog was holding him back from growing? Anyway, I haven't heard from him in a year and all of a sudden he texted me out of the blue. I'm good. Don't need to reopen that ****.

Weird randos coming back at the same time like... what do I look like? An oasis for lamers? Naw. I'm good. 

Title: so stressed
TW: none
Mood: stressed the f out
Energy Level: 30%

Two days before travel. I don't want to leave my kitties. I don't want to leave my partner. I don't want to leave my home. I want everyone to understand I am a fing mess right now but I always appear calm to them. I have to finish packing and hope I remember everything to take with me. I don't even want to start thinking about the airport because that is one of the most depressing places ever imo. I'm going to a neat place but I am just tired and emotionally spent and not really wanting to deal with any of it. 

Title: really over it / super low
TW: none
Mood: stressed the f out and tired
Energy Level: 30%

I have been effectively looking for a new job since October 2023. The job market is fd. I have never looked for work this long. I need something that pays better because I need financial independence. It's important to me. This last weekend was also a major let down / disappointment. It's gonna take me some time to process which means a lot of the energy I need to focus on job searches is going to be depleted. I have to keep trying at 10% capacity and that really sucks. My long term relationship I think might have met its wall. It's been going down for a bit but I thought my partner wanted to work on it. He clearly doesn't though. Not after he made me watch him flirt with a totally different girl for three days. I'm tired. I need a new job and feel like such a loser because there isn't one to be had and I feel so low because my relationship is a joke. So tired. 

Title: men ain't sh
TW: failing relationship
Mood: upset. an emotional rollercoaster. 
Energy Level: 70%

Yesterday was rough because I genuinely have some major bs going on in my life but also I was very tired. I spent the last three weeks traveling and doing social things. I was running on a sleep deficit. The last two days I have had well over 9 hours of sleep. I think I need one more of those sleeps and then I'll probably have my wits again. 

I have been with my partner for 22 years and the last five, I've come to learn he's been leading women on. Nothing extremely serious, I think. But still bad enough that it feels bad. Two really good friends started only talking to him for a while, ignoring me fully. At first I wasn't bothered but then one (girl 1) had the balls to tell me on the week my grandma died that she thinks I have a "really great man." Like wtf, man? What does that even mean??? I've known girl 1 for 15 years. In that time my partner has always been there. She's never been like "you guys are good for each other" or something constructive like that. Instead, she just stopped talking to me altogether and then dished out some double edged ultimatum/compliment in one of the few rare moments she interfaced with me at all. While dealing with my grandmother's death. I guess I got the message pretty clear. Lost my grandma, lost a good friend, and apparently lost a portion of trust I had with a long term partner. That day sucked. 

When girl 1 told me how "great" my emotionally loose partner is that reminded me of a few times he flirted heavily with another friend (girl 2) in front of me, who also stopped talking to me. During these days I wasn't paying much attention to the behavior and when it did happen I was like... "did that just happen? naaaah. has to be in my brain." But it really wasn't. I loved this other girl too but, again - she became HIS friend. Not mine. And she would invite "us" to her house for the holidays through him. There had been a few times I noticed them locking eyes and engaging in some really ridiculous banter but the one that shook me was when her husband and I were in her kitchen with my partner and her and the two of them locked eyes and did this long winded "you, no you, no you, no you...  *giggle*" thing with each other as if no one else was in the room with them. Her husband rolled his eyes and walked out of the kitchen and I stood there like an ***. Confused and feeling really off. 

After that I felt something was off. Didn't really say anything because I didn't know what to say. I think I mentioned the girl 1 commentary and said how uncool that was. But then let it go. Well, fast forward a bit and now my partner has a new job where he's gone a lot with other groups of people for a long time for work and now I'm feeling upset and panicked more than ever before. I realized I can't trust him. This was the beginning to me telling him my issues and concerns. I even said if he's done with our relationship that's fine. That I need him to be honest. He INSISTED it's not over and he will stop talking to girl 1 and 2 fully and he'll do better at how he interacts with other women in general. Gave me his word he wanted to prove to me I can trust him... lmfao at me for believing this. I'm in my 40 and coming to find all the songs are right. Men are all the same. Cheap and loose. 

This last weekend was the final straw for me. We had the "I don't trust you" talk back in January of 2023. It's Sept 2024 and I spent the whole three day weekend on mine and my friend's traditional river Labour Day trip. My partner spent all three days flirting with some chick. Even let her feed him in front of me and all of my friends while she giggled about "feeding my man". This girl is NOT my friend. She is a friend of a friend and he has been gaga over her for years. Everything we talked about vanished last weekend. He ruined my trip. I did my best to just have as much fun as I could but deep down inside I felt it. It cut. 

Back in the day when we started dating I told him I was open to open dating. He was adamant against it. Fully and totally didn't even want to entertain the idea. So I stopped pushing and was like... fine - monogamy it is. Here we are 22-years later and I'm too old and tired to do the whole open relationship thing. Not with him, anyway. He's not trustworthy at all. 

As it is now, I am not his f'ing mommy. Not sure what can be said at this point and I definitely don't feel like I need to waste my time on another "you did the wrong thing" convo with him. It's crazy he doesn't seem to understand why this following week I am not receptive to his "I love you" nonsense anymore. He had the absolute audacity to ask me what was wrong last night. How he thinks him flirting with another chick and ignoring me all weekend was "acceptable behavior" unworthy of questioning isn't on me. Again, I'm not his mommy.

At the very least I expect an unprompted "I was wrong and am sorry" but that's not gonna fix this. I have no trust for him at all anymore. After 22-years all he is, is just another roommate I kind of like as a friend but am done living with. Maybe he can get counseling but lol... I tried to rebuild my trust in him and it's obliterated. Sadly, I think I just need to move out and move on. I deserve better. 

Title: not today
TW: 
Mood: A lot of sadness
Energy Level: 50%

Listening to the female VP talk to my coworkers outside my area. That b doesn't equally support us. She picks favorites because she lacks a spine. She upholds employees who mess up horribly and punishes employees who attempt to actually do their jobs and alert her of mistakes. I hate her voice. I wish something awful would happen to her. 

I'm having a day.

I woke up this morning after barely getting much sleep. I am barely on my C game for today. Not honestly sure if I am ever on my A game though tbh. If I had the time I would've called in today. I could use time for myself. I'm juggling too much right now. The worst of it is a crumbling 22 year relationship with what I call my husband. But he's never proposed and he's always evaded my marriage questions so I guess I dodged that bullet?

Recently, he's showed me a side of him that I can't get over. And even my friends and therapist think it's a pretty bad problem so I know it's trouble. A part of it is he refuses to take responsibility. In fact, that's the main part of it. 

Anyway, he went out of town for the night and during that time I put him on silence. He keeps texting me and trying to talk to me like nothing's wrong. I needed the detachment and silence. I guess I'm glad he left for work for the night. But it's painful. We've shared everything together for 22 years. I walked around my house and hid all the pictures of us and there was one panel with our names written on it. I hid that too. That was helpful. Except this morning when I went through old pictures and there we are hugging and kissing. 

Everything sucks so hard right now. 

Why do men turn into toddlers after 40?