house
there's been too much going on
can we move the house
to a place
where things are slower
and nothing ever happens
all
be happy there
i can't say i feel stuck or that i am depressed, i am lonely and i can't really make up why i feel so inadequate. i have a penis
there's an absolute knowledge everybody seems to have within themselves that i can't really understand and i hate it because people understand each other, they know how to speak and how to act. i hate explaining myself, describing myself, everything that involves speaking about me and not because i hate myself but because i don't know who i am. i hate saturdays, i've always hated them and sundays too, i call them sadderdays because everybody's happy on a saturday, visiting their family or walking on the sidewalk and under the rain, in a car, talking to someone they love. why can't this be me? i feel bland and ugly. i can't tell you all i feel because there is always something uncovered, something i forget and it's hell, i feel like im constantly feeling i project myself in a way i'm not, and people don't know me, and maybe this makes me lonelier. It's not because i try to act like someone else, in fact i am just me but a diluded version of myself, because lately everybody's been leaving and i think it's my fault, always in the middle of something because i hate being lonely! not fitting in is hell, i don't know and i wish i knew, it'd be cool to figure out what is good for me, i wish someone loved me, i wish didn't have to be a boy or a girl or anything in specific. everyone is growing old and i'm just the same, i'm just a weird person who is boring and unnecessary and i don't know what to do about it. i've realized there's something about my personality people find annoying but i can't quite tell what it is and it's happened to me that no matter wherever i speak i.e. on the internet or irl or to a close friend people will always think i'm stupid and i hate it. i entered an art course and nobody likes me there, i've never spoken to anyone but i know they don't like me. i thought i'd make friends with them. same happened with a poetry club i was in, my poems sucked so people didn't like me. it doesn't matter, wherever i am, whether it is a football game, in school, in a concert etc nobody likes me. i don't know what to do and everyone seems so happy with their lives while i'm just getting lonelier and lonelier and everyone i've met can't seem to understand me not even a bit. i was also diagnosed with bpd so my relationships with everyone are shity and it just feels so shallow, no matter who is the person, even if it is a childhood friend it will only feel empty and dull and shallow. i just make people unhappy and it makes me angry and sad because if it's been this way for so long maybe it means there is just no chance for things to get better for me. i'm sorry if this is vague but i've been thinking about this all day and it makes me so bored, and disappointed, i am always telling myself this is not the life i was meant to have. this is not how things were supposed to happen
I like a boy who i've only seen once, i wish i was someone else! i am so confused and lonely, i can't speak and i know the world is not obligated to care, i feel ugly because no boyfriend, i feel trapped. for some reason i've started to talk to older men, just a few of them, because i want to have someone to talk to but they just want me to wear girl's clothes and send pictures because they're stupid, they call me a girl and say shitty shit to me. i'm not transgender, gender just makes me ill. i hate people who make a deal out of it! and i'm just speaking for myself. i hate having to call myself certain gender, certain anything. i don't feel odd or special really, in fact that's the exact opposite of how i want to be
i just feel ambiguous and grey i hate showing myself
the thought of being in a car, in a mountain and during a rainy day is just so beautiful it breaks my heart, there's people like this and doing the exact same thing. do they feel the same?? i want love and i want security, my life is unstable just as my body and my face and my friends and how i feel, i don't know who i am! what the hell god
i just want to speak, i've been feeling awful and weird for days and i can't describe anything, but that's happened for months. i suck writing, i hate aggressive people but maybe i am being one of them right now and there is just what i'm talking about
i say i hate something but then i do it, i say i am certain way but then i'm not, i keep going back and forth, i don't know if it's something i should worry about or if i'm just a hypocrite?
i feel lonely, i want a boyfriend, but i feel shallow and wrong saying that so maybe i'm wrong, i just don't know what i want or who i am or what i look like somebody please help me
i really hope i don't make anyone angry, i just tried to dump all of these things i'd been entertaining there is no need to read this anyways, i'm not important, i just wanted to vent
i don't even think i made any sense :(
@fionaapples1997speech
Hello there, my love. First of all, let me say a huge, huge thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us. You are important, you are smart, and your thoughts are worthy of all the time and consideration possible. You are not aggressive, you are not stupid, you are not pointless. Perhaps the world is not obligated to care, but I do.
You speak of your gender identity, your isolation and fear, and my heart goes out to you, it really really does. This here is a diagram I adore, which shows the difference between gender and sexuality. Your identity and attraction is yours to figure ou
t, but I promise you this: whoever you are, whoever you were, whoever you become: that person is worthy of loving and being loved. You reached out to older men to receive that acceptance that you crave, and they betrayed you by trying to use you, and I am so glad that you can see that you deserve better. You deserve to be with someone who understands you, who knows you, and who makes you feel the like the beautiful, smart and loving person that you are. And best of all, that person, whoever you are and whoever you become, is perfect.
The way you describe a sunny day on a mountain is absolutely beautiful - it's clear that you have a poetry in your heart and soul, a love for language and communication that perhaps you don't yet see fully. Some sights are just so beautiful that they have to be appreciated, and I pity those who are too blind to see them.
Feeling inadequate, stuck, hopeless, pointless are things that wear you down, make you feel like you don't belong, but perhaps you'd be surprised by how many people feel that they don't fit in. If I may, it seems like you're prone to a thought process that assumes the worst, and stops you being the person that I know you are. I really do understand how easy it is to think that everyone hates you, but one thing I've learned is that very few people have the capacity for hatred. Most are too self absorbed to really see others around them, and reminding myself of that really helps me to challenge faulty thinking traps. For example, if someone says a rude or thoughtless word to me, I used to think: 'What have I done?! Why am I so hateful, how can I be better? I need to change, I'm awful and spiteful....'' You get the picture <3 But then I think: how many times have I said something thoughtless to someone because I've been distracted or in a bad mood? I don't really hate anyone, but sometimes if I'm feeling down I might not give them the respect they deserve, and that's about me, not them! Next time you feel those negative thoughts taking over in a social setting, could you have a think about how you might react if you were them and they were you? It might really help you to see that you're okay ❤
I understand completely what it's like to hate the weekends, to feel that everyone but you is happy, but I'll let you in on a little secret: we don't know what other people, and they don't know what we feel! It's so easy to look at other people and imagine the amazing lives that they have, but perhaps they look at us and feel the same way.
If you take away nothing else, please remember that you are who you decide to be, who you are, and that that person is perfect. Please, please reach out to me if you ever want someone to talk to, and know that all my good thoughts and wishes go out to you.
All my love, Lyra ❤
(PS. I can't even begin to say how amazing your username is! Kudos!)
@Lyra hello and thank your for replying
first off i want to tell you that what you said made me smile and feel fine so thank you so much
now i don't really have the slightest idea of what to say because i've given up, i don't know if i'm stupid. i've been trying to use this website for months but i just can't feel fine at all, most people i talk to are like robots and i usually just feel like i'm talking to a hypocrite, but i keep coming because it's the only place there is i guess? i just really had to say that
tonight is shit! i'm trying so hard but i'm broke, i'm so hungry and i feel awful and so uglyand there is nowhere to go, i just sit in my room and listen to whatever sad songs i find. i used to do this a year ago every night because i liked a guy but he didn't like me back, i remember i did so much to make him like me but you just can't force someone. the shitty part is he took advantage of me and pretends nothing ever happened but that's not the point, the point is i'm listening to sad music and that's everything that is important right now for the sake of convenience
i don't even care about him now anyways
i'm sorry if i'm being repetitive, but i just can't feel better, every night i feel horrible and lonely and today i was walking on the street and someone in a car yelled at me. he said my face looked stupid and i can't stop thinking about it now, and people will say oh! nobody's ugly! that's the biggest lie i've ever heard. I usually get ignored on this website to which is just about wow literally everything i want i am also sorry if i contradict myself right now because i tend to fluctuate between basically everything i do and say
sometimes using periods makes me feel like i'm being a snob, maybe i really deserved being yelled at by a stranger because i told a guy i hated him earlier this week and what goes around comes around and i'm ugly. i have mixed feelings when it comes to crying, i feel like crying right now but i'd rather not doing it and i always just keep it like that, inside, because some feelings are better being unsaid and hidden and when i cry i do it for hours. last year i only did it twice
things really are awful! sometimes it's funny because there's so much going on that is beautiful, maybe i was not meant to have a good life with beautiful things (not material things because that is shallow) though i am really shallow but maybe i am shallow just because i am really insecure and i kind of try to hide it, kind of because i dont really care sometimes so i let people know how miserably insecure i feel but it depends on the situation. does this make me fake and manipulative? i try to just be quiet, in the end there's not much to talk about, there's noone to talk to anyways
when i was little things felt sad but they were beautiful, thinking about being a kid really makes me feel sad and almost makes me cry, but i can't let myself cry so i stop thinking about it. there's many things that feel like home but there is no home, i wish every kid would be safe but i can't make that happen. i don't plan to have kids because it's stressful and i don't want to make mistakes. a boy talked to me a few days ago and said i seemed to be too sensitive and that everything older men wanted to do was take advantage of things! i gave up on that too
it comes from underneath
if there's a thing i hate a lot is really loud noises. i was promised a soft slow life but i don't know if i will make it, i'm too tired. i tried understanding your gender pic but it didn't make any sense to me and i also hate all those names! i'd rather peel the skin off my fingers than call myself one of those names. i really want to say that i think it's really shitty how being feminine is just reduced to a fetish, whether you are trans or not, just showing a little bit of feminity automatically makes you a fetish to men and i hate that. when i was little i didn't feel like a boy or a girl and i still feel that way! i just hate calling it something, but i hate having to explain myself, its ridiculous, i am ridiculous really. we hardly know what we're capable of, if i had the chance i'd stop living for someone else. my bones hurt and i want love! but i am thankful, after all not everything is bad, it may end soon. i love babies and i love LOVE but it's hard to not hate yourself. i am never going to make sense, i am a mess