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fionaapples1997speech
13,839 M Pacing Forward 10
PathStep 99 Compassion hearts86 Forum posts25 Forum upvotes31 Current upvotes31 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceJune 28, 2015
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Journals & Diaries / by fionaapples1997speech
Last post
 May 14th, 2016
...See more there's been too much going on can we move the house to a place where things are slower and nothing ever happens all be happy there i can't say i feel stuck or that i am depressed, i am lonely and i can't really make up why i feel so inadequate. i have a penis there's an absolute knowledge everybody seems to have within themselves that i can't really understand and i hate it because people understand each other, they know how to speak and how to act. i hate explaining myself, describing myself, everything that involves speaking about me and not because i hate myself but because i don't know who i am. i hate saturdays, i've always hated them and sundays too, i call them sadderdays because everybody's happy on a saturday, visiting their family or walking on the sidewalk and under the rain, in a car, talking to someone they love. why can't this be me? i feel bland and ugly. i can't tell you all i feel because there is always something uncovered, something i forget and it's hell, i feel like im constantly feeling i project myself in a way i'm not, and people don't know me, and maybe this makes me lonelier. It's not because i try to act like someone else, in fact i am just me but a diluded version of myself, because lately everybody's been leaving and i think it's my fault, always in the middle of something because i hate being lonely! not fitting in is hell, i don't know and i wish i knew, it'd be cool to figure out what is good for me, i wish someone loved me, i wish didn't have to be a boy or a girl or anything in specific. everyone is growing old and i'm just the same, i'm just a weird person who is boring and unnecessary and i don't know what to do about it. i've realized there's something about my personality people find annoying but i can't quite tell what it is and it's happened to me that no matter wherever i speak i.e. on the internet or irl or to a close friend people will always think i'm stupid and i hate it. i entered an art course and nobody likes me there, i've never spoken to anyone but i know they don't like me. i thought i'd make friends with them. same happened with a poetry club i was in, my poems sucked so people didn't like me. it doesn't matter, wherever i am, whether it is a football game, in school, in a concert etc nobody likes me. i don't know what to do and everyone seems so happy with their lives while i'm just getting lonelier and lonelier and everyone i've met can't seem to understand me not even a bit. i was also diagnosed with bpd so my relationships with everyone are shity and it just feels so shallow, no matter who is the person, even if it is a childhood friend it will only feel empty and dull and shallow. i just make people unhappy and it makes me angry and sad because if it's been this way for so long maybe it means there is just no chance for things to get better for me. i'm sorry if this is vague but i've been thinking about this all day and it makes me so bored, and disappointed, i am always telling myself this is not the life i was meant to have. this is not how things were supposed to happen I like a boy who i've only seen once, i wish i was someone else! i am so confused and lonely, i can't speak and i know the world is not obligated to care, i feel ugly because no boyfriend, i feel trapped. for some reason i've started to talk to older men, just a few of them, because i want to have someone to talk to but they just want me to wear girl's clothes and send pictures because they're stupid, they call me a girl and say shitty shit to me. i'm not transgender, gender just makes me ill. i hate people who make a deal out of it! and i'm just speaking for myself. i hate having to call myself certain gender, certain anything. i don't feel odd or special really, in fact that's the exact opposite of how i want to be i just feel ambiguous and grey i hate showing myself the thought of being in a car, in a mountain and during a rainy day is just so beautiful it breaks my heart, there's people like this and doing the exact same thing. do they feel the same?? i want love and i want security, my life is unstable just as my body and my face and my friends and how i feel, i don't know who i am! what the hell god i just want to speak, i've been feeling awful and weird for days and i can't describe anything, but that's happened for months. i suck writing, i hate aggressive people but maybe i am being one of them right now and there is just what i'm talking about i say i hate something but then i do it, i say i am certain way but then i'm not, i keep going back and forth, i don't know if it's something i should worry about or if i'm just a hypocrite? i feel lonely, i want a boyfriend, but i feel shallow and wrong saying that so maybe i'm wrong, i just don't know what i want or who i am or what i look like somebody please help me i really hope i don't make anyone angry, i just tried to dump all of these things i'd been entertaining there is no need to read this anyways, i'm not important, i just wanted to vent i don't even think i made any sense :(
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