diary i guess
it's 3 am and i'm tired but i can't sleep, sleep scares me. figured while i'm awake i may as well do something potentially useful and start a diary on here, not sure how effective it'll be but we'll see i guess. in my local community im considered a leader but i cant lead, cant even lead myself in the right direction let alone other people. i'm falling behind in just about everything i do and can't help but feel numb to it, effort seems futile and there's nothing i can do, no one to really talk to either seeing as i'm fake with my friends and my dad is too busy drinking to even care, imy life is all just a big facade and i'm the one being fooled.
i don't even know what the hell im doing in life, i'm failing in everything i do and will probably have no opportunities for the future. i'm straight up terrified of school because im expected to perform well and i'm not, going to school for me is horrifying because i straight up cant pretend to be who i'm not anymore, but i need to keep going anyway for the sake of my dad. just feels like it's all falling down and there's nothing i can do and no one to relate to, i get so anxious every day and just freeze up but i hold it in because i can't let others have that perception of me. school in around 4 hours and i'm terrified.
will just try to update this based off of how i'm feeling, not sure how often that may be but i'll try for at least daily, seems super unstructured and im sorry for that just wanted to get it out because i don't know what else to do, so apologies for that.
for context i'm a 16 year old male in my junior year of high school, forgot to add that in the last post, and school today was pretty bad, felt nauseous all day as if i was about to throw up for whatever reason, couldn't bring myself to eat any food and felt like the world was spinning, took a short 3 hour nap, of course im still tired but cant sleep haha.
just thinking about school makes me feel like trash because i know that i've messed up and i cant really do anything to catch up and it all just feels like a big snowball effect with sports, academics, extracirriculars etc. can't even work out/lift because it feels like ive lost all my strength and everything i've worked for.
i have to teach a class tomorrow night about aerospace and i feel thoroughly terrified, theres no way i can perform how i need to in order to teach others, cant even teach myself. supposed to be a big presentation infront of a ton of people but i just cant feels like i'm about to freeze up and disappoint everyone including myself
@xelimious
I felt this exact same way when I was in school. I remember not being able to sleep because I was anxious, and feeling nauseous in the morning and not being able to do well in my classes. In the end, you dont have to be perfect. As long as you can get through to graduation, youll be okay. :)
ok i know this sounds strange but i just cant do it anymore
sure theres some people that listen and try to help but whenever i try to talk about myself it feels so awkward and i just cant bring myself to do it
i could just sit there looking at the chat for hours not doing anything because i feel petrified whenever i try to communicate how i feel
god this is stupid and its my fault
@xelimious
Okay, I have a lot to say about this.
First of all, listen here buddy: you are not stupid! ❤️ Imagine if a friend felt this way; would you think that they are stupid and its their fault? (Gosh I hope not lol). Thats not at all true.
For the awkwardness, I feel the same way every time I talk to someone. I just say, F*** it. :P Everyone makes mistakes. No one will know if you mess up while talking to a listener, and you can explain if you do. Be confident in those mistakes. ☺️
I hope Im helping in at least some way.
@TheAnxiousLioness
hey thanks for your comments, i appreciate it.
i say it's stupid because as i was growing up i've just been told to shut up and not speak of anything in regards to my feelings, which probably contributes to why i'm so adverse to it now, i don't know.
i dont think i really have the confidence to just talk about it because its so ingrained in how i was raised and think today that it's negative and just seems like a burden
@xelimious
I can relate to what you're describing with it being hard to express feelings or say anything negative, because of this feeling that someone else is going to turn around and say, "Hey, stop being negative." Or it feels like, "I'm being a burden to someone else by putting all of this out there and expecting them to find a way to respond to it."
There's this idea I recently came across called "toxic positivity" that really struck a chord with me. It's the idea that sometimes this sort of culture of "just be positive", while well-meaning and seeming to encourage people to be psychologically healthy or whatever, kind of backfires. Because then if someone does happen to feel negative, they aren't allowed to express it and they just feel like they're going to be rejected if they share the fact that they aren't feeling well. And, it's a really unnatural and unhealthy thing to push onto people... the idea that they have to be chipper and amazingly well-put-together 24/7 or else people are going to shun/reject/judge them. I really dislike it, and I'm personally happy/relieved that this 7Cups space exists as an alternative culture that doesn't hold that set of values and tries to encourage/praise sharing of difficult things.
I have the same kinds of fears, and I can understand that even if I were to say, "It's okay you can share anything," that wouldn't necessarily feel like it's believable or something trustworthy. I could even see that triggering the same dilemma of, "This person wants me to be hopeful, but I'm paralyzed. They're trying to be helpful, and I can't just express the fact that I feel hopeless or else it's going to depress this well-meaning person and repel/disgust them and inconvenience them by putting them into an awkward situation." I'm personally really fascinated by these kinds of complicated/impossible sorts of mental chains and I spend a great deal of my free time thinking about things like that.
I hope that you'll continue sharing things in this diary thread. My understanding of this diary forum is that it really is intended to be a place for each person to have a thread that completely belongs to them where they can write whatever they want. As long as you're not breaking the forum guidelines, there isn't really any good reason for anybody to come along and tell you that what you're doing here is wrong. It's your space and you can do whatever you want with it. That's the way I'm trying to view it at least, though it still feels really scary to put out any feelings at all and be subjected to the potential judgment/ridicule of other people.
I appreciate the fact that you're taking a huge risk by sharing things. And if it becomes too much or you decide that sharing things feels impossible, I can appreciate that too, as that shows some respect/care for your own well-being to not want to put yourself into an unworkable situation.
@frigidstars27
hey, thanks for posting
toxic positivity definitely appears to be the norm in everyday life, as everyone is expected to be happy (or at least have the appearance of being) no matter the underlying circumstances. from my perspective whenever emotions come up it's pretty difficult for me to articulate what exactly i mean, can't find the right words, and generally feel anxious whenever talking about it.
alongside that opening up about emotions generally makes me feel weakness for being unable to handle it myself, which i know isn't healthy and i'm trying to overcome it, but it's definitely in the back of my mind as the environment i was raised in didn't place much value in "whining" about your emotions and instead taking action/doing something to fix it, opening up never seemed like an option to me until recently, as strange as that may sound. just used to bottling everything up as if no one knows about it then they can't use it against me, talking about it makes me vulnerable and based off of past experiences of being dismissed, ridiculed, or even losing the respect of your "friends" and peers.
the burden is also a big deal as when emotions are talked about it feels as if you're sort of pushing how you feel onto them, and making them deal with the emotional burden of what you put on them. it gets even worse for me as i get to know the person as i normally don't want to make them go through that for my sake, hence adding to why i normally close down/dont talk about it.
i plan to continue using the forum, even though it's getting out to people it seems to be easier as it isn't really addressed to anyone specifically and as you said seems like my own sort of area to just say whatever comes to mind. i really appreciated your post, though, so thank you.
@xelimious
(Just to clarify, I hope you know that I wasn't telling you to be blindly positive in my other comments. I use positivity to fight the negative, but that doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to feel upset. It is definitely okay to feel this way, and I'm trying my best to remind you that it's going to be okay.)
@xelimious
What you've said makes sense to me. I feel like you've clearly articulated a bunch of reasons for the difficulty of sharing feelings that I can relate to:
1) It's hard to find the right words to describe feelings.
2) Fear that sharing feelings will come across as weak, unhealthy, or whining (in contrast to doing something to solve a problem)
3) Fear that if you share feelings, other people will lose respect for you or use what you've shared to ridicule/disparage you
4) Fear that sharing feelings will be a heavy burden to someone else
I like that too about the forum, the fact that what I share isn't targeted to anyone specific. It feels like it helps me a little bit with reason #4.
just overslept the start of school and now i'm late but yet i can't bring myself to go
have a ton of tests and assignments due today that im unable to complete anyhow
i dont know that seems like a trash reason for justification but that's what i'm going with
screw it right
elaborating on this previous post it feels as if i've been looking for any reason to avoid school as of recent, i always find myself checking my grades online and too scared to even go, looking for any reason such as "being sick" or some other arbitrary reason, let alone actually fail, which is what i'm setting myself up to do by not going but it seems so pointless. i can't get work done because it seems like there's no reason to do so, i'm not motivated and it feels as if im unable to do it.
it feels as if i deserve this though as i put myself in this situation and its therefore my fault, but i didn't really use to have this mentality, i used to get my work done all the time on time generally taking due diligence and turning in good assignments, just recently that ive been getting caught up in this
some days i hope i get sick just so that i don't actually have to search for some excuse, but then i do shit like stay up all night and eat like trash that does actually make me sick, fufilling my intended goal, i guess. just makes me feel like crap and breaking my leg i imagine would feel better than being in school and pressured to do everything i just can't do
@xelimious
often when a person feels overwhelmed a coping mechanism kicks in - avoidance
it sounds like this is whats happening to you its too much and so consciously and even subconsciously your mind is coming up with ways to avoid it all negative thoughts intended to dissuade you eating things to make you sick exc. what can you cut out of your life to make it less overwhelming and more bearable for your mind to deal with so that it doesnt trigger this coping mechanism ? school is important for your future so maybe look at relationships or sports or other extracurricular activities step back and take a good look at everything your doing whats necessary what isnt necessary ?
@jennysunrise8
yeah, that's the thing, school is important for your future, and perhaps it is avoidance but it doesnt matter anymore
even when i do go to school, i'm present but not actually there, i'm in the class but not actually learning. just being in the class gives the perception that i'm trying, does it not? even if i'm unable to complete the simplest of assignments at least i 'tried', no?
the problem is that withdrawing from something is considered to be failure, i guess my extracirriculars and stuff are different because people are relying on me, i can actually try to do something there rather than sit around and pretend to be doing something, i can try to lead, no matter how terrible i am at it, i can try to help my team, even if i make everything worse in the end, it's something i can actually do rather than not do and it feels like the only thing keeping me going right now.
@xelimious
you "being present but not actually there" (dissassociating) is another mental effort to avoid it is good that your trying but if you cant be there mentally long enough to focus and learn anything of course your grades are going to suffer eventually you can practice some grounding techniques to help you focus essentially fighting against your minds coping mechanism and forcing it but the mind is creative and persistent so you can expect a battle on other fronts if you do that to try and make you avoid or you can respect that its too much and change some things so that its no longer too much i understand that you feel responsible for other people but you should put your own needs first if your so overwhelmed and exhausted wouldnt that affect your performance inevitably leading to why you dont feel like you can give it up to begin with - disappointing people ?
a good player is someone who is 100% in the game mentally and maybe it would be better if you were honest with them now so that they can get a replacement i think coaches understand the concept of students being overwhelmed and would appreciate and respect your honesty that is actually thinking about whats best for the team is admitting its all too much and you need some self care instead of putting everyone elses needs before your own have respect for your needs and your overwhelmed mind
@jennysunrise8
yeah it does seem like it would lead up to me eventually being a disappointment, but i just don't see it as feasible for me to catch up and stay on track with my classes, it's illogical since by avoiding going to classes its making the situation worse, but i don't know. i guess it's my own selfish desires keeping me doing extracirriculars and stuff since school seems so impossible but im still able to express myself through other means, even if it may eventually result in my failure it feels as if it doesn't matter right now because it's in the future, if that makes sense, it's not something i have to deal with immediately but rather i can hold off until i'm forced to deal with it.
so while it might be affecting my performance in school i dont feel like it matters because
1) they allow me to actually do something somewhat productive with my time
2) it's in the future and i don't have to deal with it immediately
@xelimious
you could do that just focus on what is right in front of you and avoid thinking about the future sometimes its good to do that but i think in this case its just another attempt at avoiding what is too overwhelming for you but yes you could just continue and change nothing at all ignoring your mental and physical health until you just break down and cant do any of it i think its wiser to make some changes in your life though to prevent that from happening when something has to give something does and the consequences you might regret not just making changes that wouldve prevented it theres nothing more important than your mental and physical health and your mind is prepared to fight for both even if consciously you think its important to continue with everything just as it is
@jennysunrise8
i dont think im clarifying what i mean to say too well
even if my extracirriculars are contributing to my failure in the future, i can't imagine going on without them because school is simply an entirely negative experience for me and i can't really picture what i would do without those extracirriculars, because they're the ones giving me at least some sense of placement, enjoyment, or the satisfaction of being able to do at least something, none of which i get from school.
it may be wiser but my emotions are irrational in ways i cant explain, and i'm upset that it's taking such a toll on me, i try to be generally logical and analytical but this doesnt appear to be a situation in which i can do so, what i'm saying doesn't really make sense but i don't know how else to phrase it
now in a few hours i have to sit through a pilot training class like i do for 3 hours every week despite not even being able to handle normal school and failing that as is, this is clearly a great use of time.
im failing too see the point, life appears to be a huge joke and i'm the punchline
it's the weekend
the only time of temporary relief and it flies by so fast
i sometimes contemplate how it would be like to live off my days in the middle of nowhere, perhaps in the woods, relying on only myself with no other obligations or expectations that must be upheld, no one to disappoint except myself.
over time i imagine my ancestors went through many hardships for me to get to this point, to where i would even be conceived. of course if they could see me now i would imagine they would be disappointed with my actions, but who knows? i simply feel as if i have a responsibility from my ancestors and to my descendants, that my name is not my own, but instead borrowed to serve the purpose of continuing on to generations now unborn.
while i still feel numb, i feel as if there's a purpose for me being here, even if i don't confide in the comfort of religion, even if death is to provide freedom of this world. nothing is authentic in this world, all of it simply derives from what we're told and therefore expected to do. i wish to be free, not held to the confines of society, not relied upon for the benefit of others, of course that appears to be unrealistic in this day and age, but a child can wish.
i do not confide in a faith, which brings the question of what happens after? will i even be able to conceive it? how am i here? of course, even if you are to choose one of many contradictory religions (dependent on perspective) statistically odds are you chose the wrong one, or is the right one whatever you want it to be? different perspectives from how people are raised really amazes me on what other people believe, and i find that really interesting.
who am i? the only answer i've been able to come up with is that i am myself, whatever that entails. what am i not? i'm unsure. these thoughts have stuck in my mind over the past week and whenever i attempt to reflect on it it's as if i'm not able to grasp the complexity of it, just makes me feel stupid and then i have to start back from square one. i'm unsure if following this train of thought will result in me recognizing who i am, or getting more lost than before.
i'm tired, so apologies for this, i simply wanted to write this down somewhere.
who am i? i cannot find the answer to this seemingly simple question, there is simply nothing there. i know what i am in relation to society and my role within it, but who really am i? i have a name, but that is just used to identify me, that's not who i am, it is just a name given to me. the world does not center around me, but yet it is what my experience is centered off of. i'm not really anyone, and as a product of that my actions, emotions, and feelings as a whole are equally insignificant. i associated qualities with myself, perhaps what i liked to do, perhaps what i did, but it's simply insignificant, i associated all of these with myself, but it is not unique to myself, there's nothing truly there, my identity, myself, i, there's simply nothing there.
@xelimious
Thanks for writing this--I'm finding this discussion really interesting. If I'm understanding, you feel like you want to have a sense of self and a purpose for being here. But it's really difficult to latch onto anything for multiple reasons:
1) Self is causally conditioned
Whatever you come up with might just be something socially conditioned that was molded onto you rather than something that you created or that belongs exclusively to you. If you were raised under different circumstances or experienced different things, you might have become a completely different person. Even if you do something, the fact of whether or not you wanted to do it might not be something in your control.
2) Life is impermanent
It's hard to know whether anything you do really matters given the inevitability of death and uncertainty of what happens afterwards. Maybe it would be comforting and simplifying to believe that certain actions lead to a positive afterlife, but you're not really on board with that kind of assumption, however pleasant it might be.
3) Self only points to a collection of transient things
It feels like if you try to identify your essence or true identity, the only thing you can point to is a bunch of different actions, feelings, and thoughts. But, those things are temporary and not unique to yourself, so they don't offer a sort of unique/permanent foundation for meaning or identity.
***
I tend to have the following kinds of thoughts when I grapple with these types of issues.
1) Whether or not I know what I am, I tend to feel things and care about my feelings
Regardless of whether or not I have an identity or purpose, I know that I'm seeking a certain kind of happiness or peace. And there are practical things on a day-to-day basis that increase the likelihood of me feeling good. Like, more often than not, I'm happier if I'm getting enough sleep and remembering to eat. So even if my entire reality is in shambles, I still go to sleep and eat food and so on because those are part of the handful of reliable/consistent things that tend to work and be practically helpful regardless of what else is going on. :)
2) Self/goals are moving targets that have to be reidentified periodically
Something I personally love to do is to sit down and make all kinds of lists, maps, models, and systems to try to structure and document my current sense of who I am, what I want, and what things I believe will make me happy.
It tends to usually involve defining dimensions or categories that I find to be conducive to my happiness when they're functioning well (e.g. physical well-being, work/to-do list, social safety, theory/models, sources of immersion/fun, self-expression, offering something helpful to other people).
What I notice though is that without fail, almost every system I create stops working within about 2-4 weeks. :) There are always new experiences, feelings and thoughts flashing in and out of existence, and changing circumstances in my surroundings. It's sort of like, the system I created was built on the assumption of a certain set of internal/external starting conditions. But if those conditions change, then the model is no longer relevant.
This doesn't stop me from creating models or finding that process helpful. I just create with the understanding that I'm going to have to do it again at a later time. It's not a flaw or problem for me, any more than I see it as a problem that I have to eat meals every day (rather than eating once and having that fulfill my hunger forever).
To give another example, I'm writing this post now, but maybe in a few hours/days I'm going to feel disgusted with it or repelled by it and want to let go of it or sort of dissociate myself from it. Sometimes I feel disgusted with models in general. There isn't anything in my life that I haven't gotten tired of and wanted to throw out the window at some point or another. :P There are so many dimensions on which I'm oscillating.
It ends up feeling to me like in the midst of that chaos, the most useful ability is just being able to discern how I'm currently feeling and whether or not a given thing aligns/harmonizes with my present feelings. It's also really important/valuable to me to feel like it's okay to drop things if they no longer work, rather than forcing myself to be stable/constant if it feels insincere or impractical. In that respect, all of the analysis you're doing to deconstruct reality and destroy a fixed selfhood actually feels like a blessing... because it offers support for a more present-centered/moment-to-moment approach.
3) Despite impermanence, I sometimes still perceive progress or evolution
Something I learned about in school was the idea of the scientific method as an iterative/cyclical process: you have a theory for how things are, you test it by gathering data, you compare the theory/data to see how well they match, you revise your theory to try to reflect the data, and then the process repeats.
What I find really interesting is the idea that there aren't any final truths in science. Whatever theory you have is just the current/best version, but if new data comes in that changes the picture, it's understood that the theory might get scrapped or revised in favor of a better one.
But this doesn't mean that everything is completely unknowable or that there is nothing being gained. Over time, the theories become much more sophisticated/nuanced, they yield better results, they work better with reality, and they reflect the impact of lots of really tiny shifts/improvements that might be happening very gradually. It's sort of like water eroding rock to create a canyon. (And maybe every now and then, there are breakthroughs where things move really quickly.)
Sometimes because it's all happening so slowly, it appears as though no progess is being made and you're just flailing around in circles. But other times, if you compare against something a year ago or five years ago, it's possible to see that the overall picture has become much more refined, new methods have been developed, or certain problems aren't as impossible as they used to be.
4) Some parts of myself do not belong to me and cannot be controlled
On the one hand, I sometimes like to think of myself as someone who is making decisions, doing things, planning, thinking, organizing, controlling, and manipulating circumstances according to my liking.
On the other hand, there's another side of myself that feels more emotional in nature that just kind of bubbles up and *happens to me* and is what it is. And it's not something that I can fully control. It's almost like the more I try to control it, the more it resists and lashes out in rebellion as if to say that it's more powerful than me.
This is where I've found a lot of really interesting applications and intersections with Christianity, Taoism, Buddhism, and Jungian psychology. I tend to think of theistic religion as describing this "not-me" aspect and some best practices for relating to this dimension. The qualities of it are that it's more powerful than me (omnipotent), it sometimes embodies a much deeper understanding than what I'm able to recognize consciously (omniscient), and it tends to point me in directions that are worthwhile and beneficial if I apply myself to them (benevolent). The attitude I have toward it is one of reverence and wanting to have a certain submissiveness, trust, or harmony with it even if I can't fully understand, describe, justify things in an airtight way. In this context, concepts like grace, humility, faith, and acceptance start to feel like they have some practical meaning. As a result, I can read devotional texts and feel really moved and supported by them on a personal level, and yet still find myself agreeing with atheistic critiques of what I feel to be a "straw man" understanding of religion.
***
Apologies for writing so much and hijacking your thread. I just really love this topic. :)
i am rather upset with myself
another failed term but i dont really care
they're removing the feed for whatever reason which seems like a poor move
guess going back to this will substitute as my feed even though it's not the same
@xelimious
yes for now people jwill ust have their threads and profile space to write in hopefully something takes its place soon im going to miss it too
