a log of just another random & irrelevant person in the world

its weird how talking to people makes me feel even more alone. and it is to the extent that i'd rather cut off social ties to be voluntarily alone than stay in a group and have the opportunity to get rejected/outcasted later. man, it sucks. i keep fantasising a scenario where someone would actually reach out to me regardless of my fear to actually approach others, but i dont have such a person in my life anymore. at least i used to have a few people looking out for me in the past, allowing me the chance to interact with a wider friend circle. but now...

i blame myself entirely. i wonder if i hadnt screwed up in my national examinations or if i had done just a bit better, even just a grade better, maybe id be in a totally different situation today. maybe id actually have a friend that i can talk to, that i can converse with day-to-day.

actually, it almost happened. im not totally awkward to the extent that i dont talk to people, or dont have friends at all. but im just not interesting or beneficial to people enough to keep them by my side.

on the first day of university, i approached someones table, sat down, had an awkward lunch with them, tried to conversate but.. it failed.

it turns out that person is my batchmate. like i'll keep seeing them a lot for the rest of the terms since we take the same subjects. ugh.

to make things worse... by the end of the day, i already saw them hanging out with another batchmate.. who i also met on the first day of school.

after a few weeks in university, something struck me.

i had failed to socialize.

whereas everyone else had already formed their cliques, irregardless of size (2-7), i was alone. i met a few people (more specifically guys) that are low-maintenance and easy to talk to, but ... sigh. im just not interesting enough.

i look boring, fierce, unfriendly, unsociable. i dont even put in effort in fashion or makeup. its no wonder.

why would anyone even want to approach a woman that doesnt dress like one. why treat me like a girl when i dont even fit the schema of one?

it sucks. everything sucks. and i need to go back to university tomorrow. which isnt that bad, because i dont know much people in that course anyway.

but in general... itd be great if i could actually maintain some friendships or have a chat without feeling that sense of awkwardness. it hasnt happened in a while now. and it probably wont.

im the only person whose EQ remains at a teenager level. everyone else has grown up. no ones going to be there to wait for me or hold my hand or help me through. i have to rely on myself.

or just end up numbing these emotions and tell myself i dont need them at all.

throwback to that person who i thought i would become great friends with. it turns out she just treated me as a dispensable. she messaged me for my assignments when it was due for submission. when i hadnt replied she approached me personally and asked to see my assignment, and proceeded to take photos of it without my permission.

i also noticed that recently, she ghosted me. didnt bother replying a simple conversational question despite the fact that we're taking 2 of the same courses in school. yet she messaged me out of the blue when a quiz is up. interesting. she then proceeded to ask me for the correct answers.

she's not the only person who sees me as dispensable. nearing a test, a guy asked me to tutor him for a few hours. he asked me to stayback in school until midnight. obviously i fell for that because i told him to reschedule to morning. im such an idiot. my family persuaded me not to help these guys because hey, men in this country are absolute shit. they were right. after the test, i was relegated back to the 'we dont need you anymore so we wont talk' status. not that i like guys anyway.

but then came the best part. this guy could provide me with some benefit because he studied this course before. so i asked him if he had any model essays for a particular assignment. first day, "hmm ill see if i have it once i get home". forgets. second day, i subtly remind him by thanking him. "sorry i promise ill check when i get home". no response for the whole week. and im tired of reminding him anyway.

its interesting how when he wants something, he wants it done immediately. and now he doesnt even put me on the priority when im asking for a similar favour.

its not like there isnt a good guy that i know of. there is. and im thankful, but it seems that i make him awkward and he doesnt really see me as a woman either.

cant blame him when everything about me says "im not a stereotypical woman".

but irrespective of sexes, there is a gap that i experience with people. with women, my insecurities just flare up, especially if theyre particularly feminine, pox, elitist, etc. its just painful. and i just keep avoiding my insecurities and relegate to staying in my comfort spot even though its not helping anymore. not when im already an adult.

god someone just end me.

i need to accept that nothings going to go my way anymore. well, it hasnt for the past 2 decades, so its more of the acceptance that i cant expect anyone to help me because nobody's interested in my sob story or has enough time or energy to invest in me and the insecurities that come along with it.

somedays i really wonder why am i always in the middle? im not dysfunctional, im functional, but barely so. yet, ..., there just exists a gap between. and i just cant find a space i can fit in.

i dont have that resort anymore. i need to actually acknowledge that and take responsibility for my own self.

i am not 'depressed', but i feel like somehow people might give me a bit more attention if i were. because im in such a middle position right now, im not seen as dysfunctional. im seen as going through the normal motions of life, just with the incapability of handling it like a proper adult.

no one cares. as much as it hurts, i need to swallow it hook, line, and sinker.

... writing this post essentially accomplished nothing but relieve the negative memories. i really dont know what im thinking these days.

sigh.

yeet.

i dont know if there are people here actually reading this or what, but thank you for reading it anyway. not that it'll put you into a better mood or anything..

thanks for reading a long text about some random irrelevant individual rant to the void. especially when this sad person is extremely incoherent, conflicting, and contradicting on all aspects.

thanks for reading a post about a vitriolic individual complaining about lacking connection and about feeling insecure.

things are fine today, but could go better than expected.

i nearly missed a smol exam by not looking at my schedules. good thing i usually goto school early so i managed to take the smol exam albeit with slightly more than half the time left.

also i discovered that it's very, very difficult to run especially if you don't do it often enough. and it gets even worse when ur nervous after realizing you screwed up. that led to my legs feeling like jello and while i was descending the stairs, i felt like every step i took was bound to lead to me tumbling down the stairs somehow.

(un)fortunately that did not happen. and i ran for less than a minute before i could not do it any longer.

to be fair to myself, i had to run/brisk walk across an overhead bridge, which is quite... breath-consuming. even though im in my early 20s.

i told you i wasnt athletic.

and then came lilo and stitch, which was great. bearing the pain, i was half limping to school.

gone are the days when i could run 2.4km with a stitch. this lil' stitch nearly costed me 5% of my course grade. sheesh.

lecture was just worse because so many formulas were being taught at one go which inundated my limited-capacity mind. i am not the brightest student. especially in maths. which is also why im studying in this university today. boohoo.

in the end i lost interest in trying to understand and just multi-tasked by browsing reddit and discord. i realized what i posted online had made some people upset/angry and my opinion was not appreciated. it is normal. it happens a lot in communities i technically belong to, but i guess our wavelengths arent the same. this is why i say i cant find a place to belong.

tutorial was okay. at least i was able to learn something through practical/manual workings. but some of my classmates are really dense/lazy and kept asking the teacher to repeat things that were so obvious. i suddenly felt like i was not the most stupid individual. but still, i was still stupid enough to end up here.

it made me remember the previous days i had in college while studying maths. i was always the one lagging behind. but somehow, the roles are reversed here. i guess different education systems have really different standards.

i can feel good about situation by consoling myself that 'im good enough here' and forget about the sad past.

the past is sad not because i failed. but because im alive.

i did not expect myself to live till this day.

and yet, because im alive now, i need to bear the burden for my failures.

it is quite ironic.

so now i wonder. is it really a good thing that i managed to survive and live till today? because now, because i was in such a poor emotional state back then, i could not perform at my best, in mathematics. and because of that.. im likely to be in this situation today.

no one has an answer. i just try not to think about it so often anymore. but it keeps coming up now and then because i miss the past so much. i keep seeing it through rose-tinted glasses and i dont know why. maybe i just refuse to live in the present? refuse to take responsibility of my own self?

i guess the transition is not a smooth one. imagine a ship sailing into the open sea without guidance. the rocky waves keep hitting the ship and the inexperienced captain is frantic and has no idea which way to steer. they can only hope the waves will pass.

even though waves are a necessity. you just cannot remove them.

and that captain realises how their lack of experience is so costly. because other individuals could definitely do it better.

even if the captain survives, its pointless. people make it sound like its great theyre still alive, but is it really?

especially when youre living a life youre not happy about?

its easy to say when u dont empathize or dont relate to a situation.

i make the same mistakes too.

the only person i care about is myself. im selfish.

not a lot of updates today because im tired. also my body is aching. guess ill update tmr or sthing.

unfortunate. but im still too tired today to even make an elaborate post. i just want to sleep.

nothing is helping and im fucking tired of this shit happening over and over again even if the person is a nice one. its obvious the problem is on me. its always on me. im the one to blame. i fuck things up. everything. no relationships ever work out properly. friendships start out well and then the conversations drag on and take longer to respond and then just stop talking to each other completely. its the same cycle, just different people. over and over. fuck. i want to kill myself.

It is currently 3am. If you have some interest you'd be able to deduce the general location where im living. Not that I'm actually attempting to hide it or anything..

Updating this post in case anyone gets worried and reports my account for abusive content (i.e. mentions of suicide), not that people are likely to care, lol. I just really wanted to give an update.

So obviously, the previous post was previouslu at a state of rage and felt that things were out of my control.

Oops. Post dissected.

Ftfy: the previous post was written at a state of rage when things felt uncontrollable for me. Like mentioned, im not new to this feeling. But the fact that it keeps repeating makes it hard to not see it as a personal fault, yknow?

I feel like a meme is appropriate here.

Me: *a minor inconvenience occurs*

My will to live:

Obviously have calmed down a lot more now. Partly because i already cried and expressed anger and those terrible, despicable, ugly, undesirable emotions (to no one irl, because i do it in my room to not inconvenience others).

Well, i have to be honest. This realization that im not a particularly friend worthy material hurt more than i thought it would. Because i was scrambling for control in any way i could. Expressing anger and being unreasonable is one.

Also im hungry. This is going to severely shorten this post. Cant be bothered to write on an empty stomach.

And im supposed to be asleep now anyways. Only awoke because of an eczema outbreak. Save me (or end me?)

Good night.

another update: its almost noon now. im fatigued from all the melodrama yesterday. i know that keeping a log like this isnt so good if i want things to get better in the future. im only writing so i have a way to express the overwhleming feelings that i usually dont remember. unfortunately my episodic/semantic memory is not pretty good. i literally cant remember what i just thought of unless i have a log for that.

if i were to change my mindset, then itd be through another journal that i havent exactly worked on for more than a year now. i bought books from laura berman fortgang, a life coach who i stumbled on youtube when i was feeling desperate near a levels. not knowing what career pathway to choose and whether my life was worth living caused my downfall. but thankfully, her videos managed to inspire me in a way no other people have. and i had renewed hope.

after the whole a level fiasco (might elaborate in the future, but probably not, since its not important anymore), i bought 3 books of hers. this is an amazing feat for someone who generally does not read/buy books.

and i started working on 'myself'' with those books of hers. im not sure if it worked, to be honest. but writing them was a lot of work and it was really difficult to get through. had nights where i just kept crying because of how difficult it was to express my wishes and fears, knowing that its hard to attain a goal at that current stage.

obviously trying to find the point of living is a recurring theme in my life. existential crisis ftw.

older people might start saying that theres no point worrying because youth is limited. i agree. im in my early 20s, yet i already feel like the end is nigh. my body has already deteriorated. and my cognition isnt that flexible, either. they say people generally hit their peak when they're 25, but i already feel like i hit the peak a few years back when i was 18. its weird. i guess being depressed and obsessed over those inconsequential things led my brain to age earlier than normal.

also thanks to whoever upvoted my post yesterday, presumably after seeing me throwing a fit over wanting to end my life. i appreciate u reading it, though i am also somewhat creeped out because i dont know who you are. just saying, comments are welcome here. i just may or may not know how to respond because im awkward and might possibly turn a 180.

in any case, i dont experience those suicidal urges as much as before, at least thats what i like to think. in the past, in the same scenario (friends choosing other people over me), i had these weird tingly feelings on my arms. not sure what it meant, but i wanted to hurt myself so bad and let blood just drip down. i never had experience with self-harm, and i dont understand why people do it.

now, these same situations only lead me to bawl over like a baby rather than trying to hurt myself. and i might fantasise a little about suicide. but of course in my fantasies i always fail to. i wonder if its because i remain hopeful that someone would stop me or save me.

of course, i dont want to feel misearble. so i try to cope. i dont do drugs, or alcohol, or any form of addiction really. i have trouble getting addicted to anything, unfortunately. but then i wonder if its better to deal with these feelings sober or intoxicated?

people glorify dealing with issues sober, but i dont see the point if that person is just suffering. maybe i just dont understand the dangers of the 'dark side' and underestimate my ability to go through pain in its fullest glory.

i still gotta give this website the credit it deserves though. even though its system is quite shitty and all, its undeniable that this site is a place where people can talk about mental health issues and pulls people together (even if those conversations dont succeed like 90% of the time). so while i know im expecting too much from this website which led to my disappointment, at least i dont feel that alone when i actually meet someone that listens.

also update for myself: im left with 4 final exams this sem. glhf when the first exam is only less than a week away and preparation is still 0%. also for the 2nd where there are four 10-marks-open ended questions out of the whole 50% component (which makes those open ended questions 20% of the whole score, yikes?). i hope i am just overly anxious and things will go well (famous last words).

and even after this sem is over, the next sem will be even worse. i so look forward to it.

but hey, at least now im making plans that i didnt even bother to in the past. so i guess thats a small but important improvement?

since i am rushing for time, short post.

just noticed that i am not doing too good (as usual) on the academic front. not that i have terribad grades, but i just cant keep up the motiviation.

after reading for a few sentences, i realize that i had already zoned out and did not even manage to catch the gist of it. reread, waste 3x the time required. then i realize i need to finish reading at least 50 pages for a chapter. and there is not much time left. (4 days till this subject's exam, and 6 till another which i have yet to start revising or making last weeks notes for.

not to mention, i cant be so concentrated to study 1 shot. i get distracted by identity v which my friend/classmate kinda convinced me into downloading. dunno our current relationship status.

anyway i feel so screwed for the level 2 subject since theres 4 open ended questions each consisting 10 marks each. im scared, yet i have yet to start. i am so lazy. this habit has not wore off since primary school. jesus. when will i ever learn.

so yes, time is up. and ill be gone until i procrastinate once again.

i think insufficient sleep has led to me being grouchy right now, and also feeling slightly blue. but also there was an incident just now which probably somewhat contributed to this mood, and the nearing exam and my inability to complete reading a chapter today just adds onto the stress. im so tired. and i want to sleep.