Why these episodes? What’s it for?

09.21.2024

Hello, so I had a very bad episode again. And funny thing, the last time I had one this bad where I broke some of my favorite things, was screaming at everyone and completely had no self awareness and hurt my body was the last time I was single for over a month. I usually jump from person to person, always getting hurt but not really caring cause I feel the need to like latch onto someone, you know? With me having BPD I’m supposed to experience 80% less of my symptoms when single, yet seems like around a month and a week or two I break, full of anger, then I’m fine as if it never happened. But my family can’t make it seem as if it never happened, they have make sure I remember. But I’m a good person, I think at least, yeah I have my problems and I stay in my mind and can’t seem to understand sonder so well even though I’m 17 years old, turning 18 in about 6 months. It’s really depressing. I will do crazy things and freak out. And what’s worst, is that this freak out episode thing was all because I straightened my hair and I hated the feeling of it, though I literally want to grow my hair out long again, and I couldn’t find an eyeliner. I got so physically uncomfortable I broke. And trying to find shoes for homecoming too, I swear almost every heel isn’t made for a normal human foot, just models, which kills me because a lot of people tell me on a daily basis I should be a model. I really need to get over myself, but it’s so hard. I hate blaming everything on my bpd, but it is a personality disorder, it effects literally everything about me. I wish I can get over it, but it’s been here for so long now, I feel like I would lose the only thing I know if it leaves.