Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I have felt like I've lost my voice the past couple of days. I've come here a few times and tried to write things out but end up deleting them because my words feel worthless. I feel like my voice is just completely gone, in words and speaking. I've been working more and trying to manage having phone appts but I feel so alone because the phone appts aren't the same. I tried video chat type therapy and felt awkward and stupid so now I don't want to do them either. I don't know if I'll even post this, it's not like I have anything of substance to write. I'm not getting better if anything I'm getting worse. If I didn't have work I don't think I'd be bothered to do anything. With this lockdown I feel like an easier target too. It's like the perfect opportunity, I can't go out besides work and groceries which I don't need much of because I barely eat so when I'm not at work I'm stuck at home, waiting and renumerating. I don't think I'm making progress at all. I feel like I'm completely broken and there's no way to fix me now. Maybe there is no healing for me.. I feel stupid for attempting to write anything I should just stay quiet.
Already regretting I wish I didn't hit that post button. Stupid.
@calmLake1999 I'm glad you wrote - tbh. I was just thinking about you. I understand what you mean. I do the same thing alot of times. Silence myself - because I feel my words don't mean much. Or we worry we do nothing but repeat the same things all the time. I mean - I get tired of hearing myslef say it - so I assume everyone else does to. Idk - maybe we need to talk about things over and over - it's not like it's a once and done thing. Idk - sometimes we just need to make a connection to other people sometimes - even if it's this way
This isolation thing is really hard. I've been having trouble with the whole therapy thing right now too. There's trouble staying focused during the phone calls - so we try email - well thats too easy to get distracted from. And video -Idk none of it's the same as sitting in a room with a real person. It's easier to read body language
This is your space - whether you write things that are heavy or if you want to sing the macarana - it's not stupid. It's your thoughts and whats on your mind - even if there isn't anything on your mind - does that make sense?
@mytwistedsoul
That does make sense. I just feel so worthless as a person right now, and all my words are just stupid words.
I have been getting distracted during my phone appts and it's harder because when I try to talk about the hard stuff now it takes over so I try to find a way to distract myself and forget I'm on the phone. I don't like talking on the phone anyway.
@calmLake1999 It's difficult talking about the hard stuff to begin with. Without that face to face contact - it's actually easier to avoid. At least here anyway. And in alot of ways it seems deceitful to the therapist.
I don't think your worthless and to me your words have meaning. It's still fresh in your mind - even though you want so badly for things to just be done with. I do it too. I think alot of us do. We just want to be in a better place mentally. Maybe be content for alittle while. Like ourselves alittle more - maybe find some compassion for ourselves and I know we all get tired of hearing it takes time - but it really does. We just have to try to be patient with ourselves
@mytwistedsoul
I just feel like most of my life has been this constant rollercoaster of bad stuff and I want it to end or pause for a while. I get so tired of being constantly on edge and living in my memories and fears. I don't feel safe and I'm not sure how to find that, it's a constant battle of waiting for someone to do the irreparable damage even though it feels like it's already done- that's a little confusing now I wrote it out.
I'm supposed to have another phone appointment on Friday and I really don't know if it's even worth it anymore. I feel like I'm sinking and I never realised that her office felt safe enough to tell all the hard things in but my house isn't safe enough to do that. This is where the bad stuff has happened, but her office is where it is safe.
I'm sorry for the late reply I had some things I had to sort out.
@calmLake1999 You don't need to apologize Calm - please don't ever feel like you have to reply either.
I can understand why you would feel unsafe talking to her there - so let's think - Could you maybe talk to her from your car? Or maybe on a porch or balcony? Somewhere that still follows the lockdown mess but yet feels safer for you?
Believe it or not it wasn't that confusing :) There's a saying - about waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's like you have it fixed in your mind that it's inevitable - ya know? The bad things - so we're constantly waiting for them to come our way. Something good happens - well it's only a matter of time before it falls apart - right? But yet you feel so messed up inside and out - you sort of wonder if you'd even really notice it anyway. Idk - I'm sorry this isn't a very positive post is it?
Today I attempted some self care. I completely changed my hair colour so now it's lighter than it was and gave myself a hair cut, which isn't amazing but still looks pretty good. I like that I look slightly different but still sorta the same. Maybe it'll help if I don't have to look in the mirror and see the same powerless person I was when I was with him. I'm hoping it might change things a little.
@calmLake1999 This is great to hear Calm! :)
I try so so hard and it's never enough
I feel so lost in a world of people. I don't really belong anywhere and it was like I was put here by mistake and that's why I gotta be constantly punished because I'm not supposed to be here. I don't think I was supposed to survive childhood. I feel like I broke something by surviving. I am so confused by what I might want even though I don't think I am allowed the option of wanting things.
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - you've been in my thoughts. I understand what you mean. And I often feel the same way tbh. I don't deserve happiness or to be able to want things. But at the same time - it's normal to want things - ya know? It's healthy - it gives us something to work towards. A mission sort of. But it takes time - and we are often so tired of waiting. I think sometimes - the wanting just feels wrong - because we were never allowed to want befor. The way things were - that was the way it was - no changing any of it - no asking for anything. But we decide now - yeah? We make the rules but I think we have to learn how to let ourselves do these things - we have to relearn that it's ok
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts