Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
Gotta try, get back to normal routine. Hoping it will help but sure I will fail also. Self care I tried but failed, can't be kind to me right now.
I will get through this. I have overcome things in the past and I will try and do it again. I may be a broken shell of a person but I will put the facade on and keep going through the motions. I can't let my demons or people win this thing called life
Stressing now I'm back home. Information overload in regards to work with this pandemic, trying to breathe through it. Forgot that I tend to go into my bubble and am mostly unaware of the outside world when things happen.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed but a plus is I got through the shift. I need to do something to help the aches though, and I'm still getting dizzy with massive headaches, I'm thinking it's more in relation to the concussion. I'm hoping sleep will come easier because I stubbornly pushed through the whole shift.
I hope it gets easier, the numb is easy to manage but the other feelings are not. I got a little angry last night while I listened to a song. I don't really like anger, bad things happen with anger.
I need an ice bath to numb things I think. I should probs see my doctor but they are overwhelmed with things going on so I'll just keep pushing through
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you*
I think I'm ruined. I feel ruined. So much pain, it should be better by now but it's fading slowly. Cold bath partially number but I'm ruined. This last time ruined me. Why did I put myself in this situation
Today has been a nope day. Emotionally I'm done. Physically I'm sore and exhausted. Why bother sometimes. There is no getting better. This is it for me. Ruined, broken and a shell.
@calmLake1999 I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know it feels like it will never get better - I think because we just want the pain to stop. But it takes time - at thats what I'm told. There's no time limit on healing. The days pass - some better than others - some far more worse. But the days do pass - the wounds scab over and we don't feel as raw. I know it's hard but try to be patient with yourself
Not a good time for fear to kick in, it's 3 in the morning and I'm exhausted but now I'm petrified. I can't sleep when I know I'm not safe. Need to breathe but breathe quietly
Stupid stupid brain. Why must I see that over and over? I was finally in a good sleep. I wasn't scared to go to sleep. I was exhausted and my stupid brain makes me go through it in my sleep. I'm so freaking sore and tired. I just need to sleep. But I don't want to sleep if that's what this stupid brain is going to keep doing. I don't need to relive it in my dreams when I see it all the time when I'm awake. What's the point of self care and relaxing when this comes back over and over again. I know where I did wrong. I know where I stuffed up. But please why can't I just sleep through so I can look fresh with new eyes. So I can have the strength to push through another day in this stupid black abyss. I hate my stupid brain. It's broken or something. Maybe it's the concussion or whatever but I'm so damn tired!!!
A darkness all consuming,
Weariness overtaking,
Just let me lie here,
While I suffocate.
Breathing is an impossible mission.
Moving takes extra decisions.
Do I keep trying?
Do I give in?
When will the pain end?
Why am I stuck in this abyss?
Alone and tired, scared. Feeling so very alone. I can't connect face to face with my therapist or doctor. It's happening everywhere I know but I feel so very alone now. Very stuck. Struggling, very much struggling. Very very dark thoughts.
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm sitting here with you.
It's hard - this whole thing. I haven't seen my therapist in allmost three weeks - we've talked on the phone and email but boy some face to face would really be nice
It's bad enough that alot of us isolate ourselves to begin with - to impose it - it's like adding insult to injury
@mytwistedsoul
It feels like I'm stuck in my childhood again with these rules of no socialising, only going out for essentials or working. I want to sit on my cliff again, I want to go for a hike or a long drive
@calmLake1999 You're right it does feel like that. Never allowed to have friends over *not that I had friends to have over* I think some of it is because it's coming from the authorities - ya know? They make the rules and we have to follow them. I don't like being told what I can and can't do
We're not supposed to go out for anything except work or groceries and they're suggesting that if you can make do with what you have - stay away from the stores
I'm sorry you can't go for a hike even. No pressure to answer - but you live in town or the city? That would make it much harder - I couldn't even imagine. At least where I am - there's forest all around - so we can still go hiking and run around in the woods and never meet another soul - tbh - I kind of feel like a jerk saying that
@mytwistedsoul
Don't feel like a jerk. I'd love to live surrounded by wilderness. I live in a suburb, semi rural. The big cities are like an hour away. I have places I could hike semi near me but I don't want to get in trouble and I'm really unsure of the rules.
@calmLake1999 Would any of the government sites maybe have some information on it? Like to be able to go outside but just keep your distance from people?
@mytwistedsoul
I think I could look it up. I think there was something about exercise but I'm not sure what they count as exercise
@calmLake1999 Just going for a walk counts as exercise. Plus it's good for mental health. And right now we all need something to help us through this right now
