Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
The weekend is finally over. It's done now. Only had to put up with a couple hours so that's a good thing I guess
I can't live like this anymore. The nightmares, the fear, the pain. It just needs to end. The world wouldnt miss me anyway
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - may I sit with you? I would miss you. I know Jess would too. I'm sorry you're hurting so
I'm tired and feel guilty. I did what needed to be done and it was so hard. I'm gonna nap because I have nothing in the tank at all
@calmLake1999
Yeah you need to rest and charge yourself. Seem you drained a lot
Exhaustion is taking over. I can not bare to move from bed, it's simple and quieter to just lie in bed and not move. Why did I bring these things on myself? The anger he will feel after I got help. I have support but do I deserve support? My answer is a resounding no! Of course I don't. There is something broken within me that causes this darkness and pain to follow me. How dare I try to blame others and get support when it is all my fault. I'm the broken one. I'm the one that deserves this. But why? I have no answer except the answers I was told. I am worthless, I am toxic, I am a waste of space. I deserve pain and only pain, that is my place in this world. These answers so dark and painful yet fitting
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - gentle reminder ok? :) You aren't to blame. I know how easy it to grasp on to those old answers. They were repeated often enough weren't they? But the people who gave you those answers were the toxic ones. I mean we all have moments when we might be angry and lash out at someone or Idk - we say things that maybe don't come out right or we do something that afterwards seems incredibly dumb.
He's the one at fault though Calm - he preyed on your kind heart and gentle spirit. In the times that I've talked with you here - and the times you reached out to Jess or myself - I have seen nothing but kindness and caring. If -Idk - I feel the same way alot of times. I'm a sick dangerous person who needs to stay away from people. A freak - a monster. Other people disagree but those are the answers I recieved. It's hard to deny them when it feels so close to the truth
I think you're a wonderful person though - I really do. And you have every right to get support and I think you're worth more then a hundred Malfoys :) *sorry - Harry Potter referral* Idk - Maybe this doesn't make much sense - I'm alittle foggy today. You are a good person though Calm - definitely not a waste of space
Try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
This makes sense, but at the same time my mind is fighting against the kindness you show, like it's not right for me to have it or idk, it's confusing?
I'm struggling with the support I'm being offered, I've avoided phone calls that are to check in on me because I feel like I need to be stronger before I answer them. I can't even stand to be outside my house for longer than half hour without anxiety taking over. I feel very weak atm.
Thank you for your kindness and the gentle reminder
@calmLake1999 It's probably becauae you still feel as though it's your fault and you dont deserve the support. I think - it's because we don't know what to do with the kindness. The words seem foreign and uncomfortable. It's ok - you take all the time you need. There's no time limits on healing or moving forward. Hope you don't mind the occasional reminders along the way :)
Lost, ungrounded, shaky... Heart is too fast, fear for the unknown.. weekends were always worst but it's quiet, don't know what to do.. watching, waiting
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm here with you - ok? You're safe - we'll try to take a few deep breaths together allright?
@mytwistedsoul
Ok, but I can't breathe, I'm scared... I'm just being stupid, I'm sorry
@calmLake1999 It's ok :) You're not being stupid. Weekends were allways the worst before weren't they? So it's only natural that you would feel more on edge and afraid. Would you like to try to ground yourself? Maybe place your feet on the ground - make sure they're bare. Can you feel the rug or carpet? Maybe hardwood floors?
@mytwistedsoul
Yes weekends were always worst, lasted for so long...
I can try, I have hardwood floors and they feel cold under my feet
@calmLake1999 Ok - thats good :) What else can you feel? The seat you're sitting in? The feel of the clothing you're wearing? What can you see? Can you name five things? Three things you can hear? Two things you can smell?
How about taste? Maybe a peice of candy? Some chocolate or maybe peppermint?
@mytwistedsoul
I can't taste anything because I'm not hungry I feel nauseous just thinking is bad...
My clothes are soft and warm and keeping me covered which is good.. the lounge is hard but comfortable it feels sort of smooth but rough..
I can hear my fan, and the sound of cicada I think outside, it's chirping really loudly which is too loud, I can hear cars on the high way...
I can smell lavender and berry, I don't know where the berry smell is from
@calmLake1999 Ok that's good :) You've nothing to apologize for - it's ok to be a mess. I'm a mess myself alot of times. You are stong Calm - you have shown amazine strength the past few weeks.
Jess had a post a few motnhs ago about panic attacks and it actually works for anxiety even before it hits that point. You submerge your face in cold water - it helps with your breathing
@mytwistedsoul
I sometimes jump into a fully cold shower and that normally helps me to ground a little but it's hard because I don't want to have to get undressed to have a shower so I've been avoiding doing that..
I don't think I've shown any strength, I've been just trying to get through the moments and it's really hard, I'm so tired but can't sleep. I keep waiting for him to show up because I know he will be so pissed off that I went to the police.
@calmLake1999 That's ok - I understand how hard it is to feel safe when you have to do things like that. Just getting through the moments takes alot of strength. It takes all our energy to do that.
If he would show up - which would be a very bad idea on his part - then you call them again ok? They're there to protect and keep you safe. Do not let him in - he has no right to be there. Try not to listen to the lies he says when he says he's sorry. That sorry is empty - if he meant it he wouldn't keep hurting you
@mytwistedsoul
I would call them, but I still don't feel like I deserve their support. I let him in so many times and made things worse. I knew what each time he would come over would bring but I didn't do anything to protect myself, so I feel stupid for asking for their help now.
There's so much to try to understand and my mind and body is just waiting for him to show up again. It's so hard to concentrate or try to relax.
Thank you for being here with me
@calmLake1999 Good - I am so glad to hear you say you would call them :) It doesn't matter - the amount of times you let him in - we're human - we're hopeful. We want to believe the next time will be different. He hope things will change. It doesn't matter how many times you let him in before - that was then. You're protecting yourself now. We're here in the now - ok?
It will take time for your mind to understand that he won't be back. But it takes time - yeah? It will take time to be able to start to relax
@mytwistedsoul He - we Sorry
@mytwistedsoul
I'm so sorry I'm a mess, I need to be stronger. I'm sorry
@calmLake1999 We can just talk like this too if it helps you - I know sometimes it helps me
I can't live this life anymore. I have nothing left to give
Oh Calm :(
*sitting with you*
I'm sorry
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm :) There's nothing to be sorry for. I'm glad to see you
@mytwistedsoul
I'm weak and a failure..
I hope your doing ok
@calmLake1999 Tbh - I'm feeling about the same as you. Thinking stupid things. I dont think you're a failure and sometimes we all have moments where we feel weak. I think it's because we fight so hard on a daily basis - we're tired - that's all
I think the scary thing for me right now is I'm so numb. I tried to do something to end everything and failed again. I became really upset because I just wanted it over, but now I feel guilty. I feel guilty for trying to be selfish. But there is a part of me that says who cares, no one would miss me. But there are some that would. I really wish I would've succeeded in my plan but I didn't so I'm lost. I'm numb and just going through the motions.
The other night I just snapped. I couldn't deal anymore and I wanted it over. I tried, and failed. Story of my life. I fail at everything. I spent the next day crying because I can't do anything right. And now I'm numb. I feel guilty for writing the post and disappearing, but I had hoped I would be done. I feel guilty for causing stress on my therapist. I feel like a burden on those I am close with. I feel like people don't see me clearly, and don't see how much I have contributed to my own pain.
I'm a broken, shell of a person and the worst thing is I caused most of this
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I have to warn you sometimes really dumb things come out of my mouth so - please disregard anything that sounds - well - stupid lol. *wise has a supply of my hockey puck biscuits - should you want to chuck something lol*
I know you said you feel like you need to be strong - but what if you just be - just be whatever? I know work probably sounds and feel like a bad idea right now. I sort of wonder though - would it maybe be a good idea? To get out of the house - a change of scenery? You could allways go and then - if it isn't a good idea - you can allways leave - yeah? No pressure of course - I mean it's ultimately your choice - just a thought :)
@mytwistedsoul
I think that actually sounds like an idea, though I don't know if I'd be able to leave if it got too much, cause I'd have to call someone to replace me. But it makes sense if I at least try, I've always been able to ground more while I'm at work. Thank you
@calmLake1999 The people you care for probably take alot of your attention and keep you busy. I know sometimes it helps me to be so busy I don't really have time to think