Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
Contemplative tonight. Missing chunks of time from this week which makes me uneasy
I keep losing chunks of time and I'm not sure what is happening it's very confusing .. I only just realised that it is quite late at night and I can't account for half of the day
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. I have alot of time loss too but I know what causes mine. Try to write down when you notice it and maybe tell your therapist so that they're aware of it happening. I know it can be really scary though. You're in my thoughts
*sitting with you*
@mytwistedsoul
Thank you for sitting with me. It's really scary because I don't know what is happening and I'm confused, I keep losing time and I don't know what's happened in that time. I'll try and write down when I remember
@calmLake1999 You're welcome :) Um - do you think you could be dissociating? Are there things that you've noticed that have been done - that you don't remember doing? Wash or dishes - something like that? Sometimes it helps to write down the times and what you're doing then. To keep like a running log. Sometimes music can help keep track of time too or to notice a show that may have started on tv. I'm sorry you're dealing with this - I know you've been under alot of stress lately
@mytwistedsoul
It could be dissociating I do that when things are really stressful. Uhm I think I've been shopping because I have random foods in my house, and some of my normal cleaning things have been done.. I don't know if tv would help because I don't really like watching and music I put on almost all the time.
@calmLake1999 Does your therapist know this happens? It might be easier to just do a written log. Even if it's something simple - like you washed your hands at 9:53. Or You ate an apple at 10. Just to help keep track of what you did when. It helps you see when you may have missed some time - to see how often it happens
@mytwistedsoul
A written log does sound like a good idea. My therapist doesn't know how bad it's got the past week, so I'll have to talk to her about it
@calmLake1999 I'm glad you like the idea. I've found it helps here. I also use drinks sometimes to tell if I've lost time. Like if my coffee gets cold or if the ice cubes melted. It really is a scary thing. I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I know they say to ground yourself but when you're under alot of stress it's AP hard to do. I'm glad you want to talk to your therapist about it. I know that can be scary too.
Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
@mytwistedsoul
I'm scared to tell my therapist cause I feel like I'm going crazy and I don't want her to think that as well
@calmLake1999 I give you my word you aren't going crazy. I know it feels that way though. There is so much you're trying to process and understand. There's so much you're dealing with right now. It's understandable that you're dissociating. I don't think your therapist will think you're going crazy. She'll only want to help you. She can give you ideas to help you - to help you ground - help you process and cope with what's causing you to dissociate. Have you seen this therapist for awhile? Do you feel comfortable trusting her? Even just alittle? I'm sorry if I overstep.
@mytwistedsoul
Your not overstepping. I have seen this therapist for a few years now and I fully trust her, she does help me feel safe and has helped me through some other really hard things
@calmLake1999 maybe you could give it alittle thought and see how you feel trusting her with this? Like Jess said it's just how you're coping with everything. I'm really good at dissociating myself. Not that it's really a good thing - I just know I do it more then I should. No rush or pressure but maybe til you see her next you can see how you feel about talking to her. Even just to mention it - so she has an idea?
@mytwistedsoul
I give it a think about, I seen her today but couldn't bring it up so maybe when I see her next
@calmLake1999 Thats ok Calm - sometimes we have to give things a thought alittle longer to make sure it sits well with us. There's allways next time.
How are you today? Sorry that allways sounds like a silly question
@mytwistedsoul
I'm feeling a little out of it tonight. Things got a little heated and I'm kind of dazed but it's ok cause maybe I'll be able to sleep, though I'm not really sure if I can or not..
I think I need to give it some thought because I feel like I keep making the same decisions that maybe making things disappear, I'm not sure..
Why do I bother trying to fight? There really is no point in fighting and telling him no, I never win, he always gets what he wants. I'm tired and sore. Anxious and scared. I don't wanna do this anymore
Thank you @nonethewiser and @mytwistedsoul for talking with me and still being here for me despite me being challenging. I appreciate you both so much ❤️
@calmLake1999 You're welcome Calm - I think we all have moments where we can be challenging - no worries :)
I can't do this anymore. I'm so done with it all
@calmLake1999 @NoneTheWiser
*sitting with you both*
@calmLake1999 I wish I had something useful I could say to you. I know you're hurting right now - in more ways then one. I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. Maybe you could try what Jess suggested and call or email your therapist. Sometimes even just writing an email to them but not sending it helps. It helps just to get those words out.
@calmLake1999 I hope you'll forgive me for writing you again. I hope you'll forgive me too if I overstep with anything I say.
I hope you're resting - I'm concerned by your silence. So I really hope that you're just resting.
As I said - I know you're hurting. You're probably confused and torn with what you should do about everything. The guy you're seeing - isn't helping. He's adding to your confusion by telling you the things you've probably heard for years growing up. I want to remind you though - that you are so much more then the bad things he's pointing out to you.
You're a kind and warm person - who cares for her friends and the people you take care of. I know you probably don't see yourself this way - especially now - with the messages your getting from him. But Jess and I do - we see you and we care for you - no matter what. Good - bad - or ugly. How ever you are - how ever you feel.
Please - Be gentle with yourself and your thoughts
I feel no better than yesterday. I'm still very much done but I made a stupid promise and I hate this. I lost more time this afternoon. After therapy I don't know what happened. I don't remember anything, it's like a blank slate and it's frustrating
@calmLake1999 Hey Calm - I'm sorry you aren't feeling any better. I'm sorry to hear that you lost more time :( I know how frustrating it is. Do you think there was something discussed at therapy that made you withdraw and disconnect? You don't have to answer that of course. I know sometimes - for me - it's just the overwhelming-ness of it all. The thoughts and emotions - so it gets shut down - I get shut down.
I'm extremely numb, I don't trust myself like this. I think I know why I've been losing time and it scares me
@calmLake1999 *sitting with you* I'm sorry this keeps happening to you Calm - I'm kind of short on words today but I'm willing to listen if you'd like to share. No pressure though of course
I want to apologize for not getting back to some of the replies. Some things just really scare me, I know this needs to end but a part of me believes so strongly that this is all I deserve. I'm also tired of the battle and fight that comes with trying to be free of people that aren't very nice. I think I also might love him which is why I don't want him to get in trouble. Is it possible to love someone but hate when they come around? The times I remember anyway. I keep finding unusual bruises and marks on my body that I don't recall where they come from but must be from someone I think. I'm a bit of a klutz but these are unusual spots to get bruises. Also my head is extremely sore and everything has been spinning for a few days. Might be because I've been overwhelmed and losing times makes me feel disoriented. I've been napping more during the days but that kinda makes sense because it's not usually safe to sleep at night. I'm always tired though. There was a fight today because he just wanted to stay over and I told him he can't but maybe I'm being unreasonable again. Idk. I just know I don't like sleeping especially when he's here. I'm so confused, I'm gonna call my therapist tomorrow and ask her about some things to do with this. I feel guilty for letting him back into my life, maybe she won't want to help because I was stupid and submissive to him. I really dislike that word but he uses it so often it makes sense. this is happening cause I'm submissive
@calmLake1999 She's right - you never have to apologize for not replying
You've been in my thoughts