Trying to understand
Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
I'm feeling as though these things that have happened may be a way for me to connect more deeply with people I care for, also when I change careers, I've had this longing for a while to change careers and help children out if bad situations, be a mentor or an advocate. Maybe that is the real reasoning why I have found myself in repetitive cycles, to understand more deeply, to be able to connect more. To give to others what was withheld from me? I'm not sure but I'm going to go with that reasoning. If the saying is true that everything happens for a reason, maybe that is the real reason. I have found this innate ability to read body language of those whom I care for, whether they need a hug, someone to hold their hand, someone to listen or someone to tell them it'll be ok. I took that for granted I think, that I was soothing my residents worries and fears with just a hug, or sitting with them. As in dementia when some of my residents have gone into a psychosis, they seem to fall into a dark place where they fear that someone is trying to hurt them, as awful and heartbreaking it is to watch, I've been able to soothe their worries by just being with them and offering them what they need. Maybe my real true purpose isn't just to be hurt but to help soothe the pain of others? I will heal myself so that I can continue doing what I love.
@calmLake1999
Hi--I'm really sorry that all of that has happened to you. It sounds really scary. I'm happy that you were able to notice that you felt unsafe and do something to try to resolve that before it got even worse.
That sounds wonderful what you're describing, being able to soothe other people, be present for them, and care for them based on your own experience of what it feels like to long for that type of care.
@frigidstars27
Hi, thank you. It was scary but also just frustrating that I got into a cycle I know all too well, I seen the signs early but ignored in the hopes he or this time would be different.
I think that one of my only true gifts in life is being able to give in the way I do with my work and I want to understand how I do that. Thank you for commenting
I'm lying in bed looking at the fairy lights I put up on the top of my bed which looks like stars at this time of night. When it's hard to sleep I look at them and it's keeping me grounded, it's a new thing I did as a self care but also self soothing when I wake from my nightmares. Anyway I got off track. As I am lying here thinking about the things that have happened something started shifting inside my mind. I started thinking that I may have met more than a fair share of people who want to hurt, control, harm and possess. But also there are so many beautiful souls out in the world, and I have met a few (most of which have been on this site). And I'm thinking of all those beautiful souls who have been inexplicably hurt but still remain shining, kinda like my fairy lights, which is probably how this thought came to be. But somehow those beautiful amazing bright souls who have been hurt also are the ones to shine a light when it's dark for others. They show the greatest empathy and kindness and love and nurturing. And it makes me hopeful and grateful to have been on the recieving end of such kindness. And now I feel somehow calm. I am going to send love out into the universe and hope it reaches those who need some love right now. I want to send comfort to those who are struggling. I want to send a bit of light to those who may be in darkness. And I want to send a gentle and safe hug to anyone who may just want that. ❤️ I'm a bit emotional but ok for now.
.Destructive habits that are formed under intense stress. Just noticing how destructive some of my behaviours are when I'm stressed. And how easily I fall into coping mechanisms. I finally caved to the pain today, I've been fighting it as I don't believe I should be complaining about the pain I've been in, but I guess my threshold was reached or I became emotional enough to stop being stubborn. It's funny though because my doc and therapist both comment how extremely stubborn I can be especially about things that are detrimental, which I counter with stating I'm not stubborn, now I understand why they both smile when I say that, but it's also just a learned behaviour that it's more tolerable to suffer in silence rather than ask for help. Anyway off topic, i sought help, and just got home, shouldn't have driven but I don't have anyone to call onto. I can't remember where I was going with this. I miss my therapist I pushed her away for so long and then she went on leave and I think I need to talk with her about what happened that last time, I don't think I can manage on my own. I've been in a state of destructive thoughts, minimising and I think some shock. I keep replaying not what occured but the look on his face when he stopped. I can't understand how he went from so angry and violent to looking almost remorseful. I want to believe he didn't mean to hurt me the way he did but I don't want to minimise what happened. His behaviour wasn't called for I don't think. I had stated for weeks that I wanted to end things and I don't think that I should feel guilty because he lost his temper. I am just glad I haven't heard from him. I can't sleep any easier because I keep waiting for him to just turn up again. But I also feel like it might be finally over. I want to understand how he went from being so sweet and kind in the beginning to being who he was at the end. I feel like I got a glimpse of that sweet guy that last night before he left, but it doesn't discount what happened. I share the blame in what went wrong in our relationship, with making him mad because of my mannerisms. I just need to understand how to make myself enough for someone. I feel like I'm never enough and I try to become what others want me to be, but I don't want to change who I am at my core either. I don't want to become mean and bitter (not that I think that would've helped in any of the cycles I've been in). I don't know if any of this will help me understand things but my mind is on a million different subjects tonight. Floating from one thing to the next. One thing I keep getting stuck on is how alone I've felt all night. It's hard to navigate the "is someone coming to pick you up?" Or the "you don't have a nok written down would you like to add that now?" Because I don't have anyone to notify, I don't have someone to pick me up. So I just mutter no thanks, or I'll get a taxi. Which I didn't but meh they don't need to know that. Ah anyways enough thoughts for tonight, I think it's time I left myself finally sleep and recover.
Sleeping soundly may never be one of my strong points. Continuous waking and constant nightmares leave me in a state of almost permanent exhaustion, but I cope, I manage with copious amounts of coffee. Though I don't plan to stay up from now on I did manage 3 hours of sleep so far, I'm not sure if I'll go back to sleep I'm on edge and have pain. I may use a hot water bottle to see if I can ease it before turning to medication. Still have this hate and fear of medication though I will take it when absolutely necessary. I feel like a shower would help but also not so, one of my destructive habits formed and reverted to. I am but also not doing okay. I'm not sure that makes sense, there is a part of me that knows I will manage to pull through this and keep on. But another part which is so tired and defeated. With most of my life being a repeat of behaviours it feels like there is no hope to be had. I am grateful for the fairy lights though as I managed to ground and orient myself a lot faster.
I found some calm and peace while finding a quiet place to rest. It was the most unusual experience though .I sat for a while and was feeling peaceful, then I burst into tears. I can't even say what triggered the tears coming but they wouldn't stop. So I remained looking out at the water and just cried. So grateful no one was around because that would've been very embarrassing. But I'm glad I went out today because I have a calmer feeling now. I still have many questions but I've realised those questions can wait.
Im just gonna try and enjoy the peace left in my body for a while. Seeing as I can't do yoga just yet, I might just meditate.
@calmLake1999 don't be embarrassed about crying, you were born crying. :) If I saw you crying in public I'd ask if you wanted a hug and try to make you feel better.
I hate the idea of sleep and dreams. I've had no choice but to sleep the past few nights but I've been waking up so frightened and feeling so alone. I don't want to be alone and I'm scared that he will come back and hurt me more. I need to find a way through this but I don't know how to. I'm just so so scared after another dream and the pain I'm in just makes it feel real like it's just happened. I just want to heal physically so I can move on from this . And I want my dreams to stop coming. I don't need to keep seeing it. I've been laying here looking at my lights trying to remind myself I'm not necessarily alone,but I am alone in this fear
@calmLake1999 Hey - I'm sorry if I'm intruding. I understand the fear of sleep and dreams. It should be the one place you can escape to - it's hard though when even the most basic thing seems unsafe.
I'd just like to offer to sit with you. Just so - Idk - maybe it helps you feel alittle less alone.
@mytwistedsoul
Hey, your not intruding at all. I'd really like if you sat with me. I normally would just stay up when I'm frightened but my body is so needing to sleep and I can't stay awake for very long before falling back into those dreams. Thank you for posting
@calmLake1999 Maybe it will help you find a more peaceful sleep - if you imagine Wise and I sitting here - just keeping you company.
*sitting with you*
Just wanted to say thank you to @mytwistedsoul and @nonethewiser for sitting with me yesterday, it really helped imagining I wasn't alone in my fear ❤️
Update tonight I napped from about 9 until midnight so I got three hours more than usual. I haven't been able to fall back to sleep as I've been on a continuous loop in my mind, and every time I look at the clock I realise it's getting closer to being morning again, but I can sleep more easily in the hours between 5 and 7 for some reason so maybe I'll just wait it out. I'm not as frightened as last night, I'm thinking maybe I bottled everything and it came bubbling out which happens sometimes. I need to try and speak with my therapist this week to help me manage a little more easily but I don't know if I'll be up for driving, I'm kind of zombie like atm and I don't like driving if I'm not 100percent aware of my surroundings. I've been dissociating on and off so driving is a challenge.
@calmLake1999 You are very welcome! I'm glad it helped and it's awesome that you got a few extra hours.
You're welcome to imagine us there again if you'd like - we didn't finish all the movies lol!
I'm feeling unsettled and on edge tonight. But I feel better than I have the past few nights, the fear is lessened a little and I'm not feeling like giving up which I think is a positive. I've been pretty busy in the day trying to distract and work things out but the quiet and stillness of the night, or lack thereof tonight has me on edge. Alot of sounds, alot of unknowns in the night. Sleep won't come easy despite my exhaustion. I stopped taking the medication for my pain because I couldn't focus, and I hated the way it made me feel. So I'm trying to summon that part of me that can manage pain easier, will find a way I'm sure. Could be why I'm more alert, but who knows. I think I need to try and write some more poetry as I find that a good way to work things through. I did manage to see my therapist this week which was good and bad. I couldn't tell her what happened, she prodded but I shut her out and focussed on other things instead. I am unsure why I do that but maybe my mind isn't ready to process the pain of that yet, not while I'm still in physical pain. Though I will see her again Tuesday before I go back to work. I like sometimes just going to her office because I feel safe there, in her surroundings. And she never judges me for crying or spacing out which I do space a lot. It's changing to being a lot warmer now which is awful, I much prefer the cold and it will be a task to cover up if the heat becomes too much. I am scattered tonight which is not unusual but I think definitely shows my unsettledness (I don't think that's a word).
I've been on the verge of tears all day but somehow I haven't been able to shed them, there is something that pulls me back from crying and I go numb again. I don't want to cry though, I don't want to feel sympathy for myself. I hold just as much blame as he does, if not more because I kept aggravating him when I shouldn't have. The pain is my fault, the fear is on me. A part of me knew it was too soon to try dating again. I had only just pulled myself out of a vicious cycle with my mother, so to try dating was quite stupid. I was too depleted to keep my guard up. I know why I started dating was to feel normal, to do what normal 20 something year olds do. To feel a love of connection. To just be with someone without fear. But I went and blew it all up with my stupid fears and triggers. My want to take things slow and not trying to conform to what he said was normal. Maybe I am just too broken and that leads me down a dangerous path. I fall into violent cycles because it's too familiar 😞 I just gah I feel so lost and angry at myself right now
@calmLake1999
[safe hugs] It was really brave of you to try dating and understandable to want to connect with someone and feel like you're moving in a positive direction. And also understandable to feel like in the present, you're full of intense reactions and wondering if it was a mistake or too soon to put yourself into that situation. And feeling frustrated with yourself about mistakes or that things aren't going as easily/effortlessly as they seem to for others. You're doing your best with a complicated, unpredictable, challenging situation.