Tree's Diary

No replies needed

[2017] 4 years ago, I was at a fairly unimportant quizzing contest, as part of a team. We won it, and a couple of other small competitions. It felt a little nice to go from someone who was unknown in class, to someone who had a specific place in it. I am certain that I wasn't all that good at quizzing, I was just paired up with a good person-and I knew a little in the topics he did not. He contributed much more to the team than I did. I also expressed that to him a couple of times, and suggested he pair up with someone better.

[2018] I had to transfer schools the next year, and I was in a new setting. The slate was...wiped clean? I had one friend through the year, and I did not mind that. I was mostly quiet in class, did my work okay-and something about that led the teachers to attribute something good to me. At home though, my mum was mostly angry with me. I didn't study much, and she felt like I wasn't taking things seriously. I sorely missed my classmates from the earlier school, and I spent my first 6 months, crying about it frequently. I don't know why they meant so much at that time.

[2019-2020] The next year, my parents decided to enroll me in tuitions, because they thought I would not study well on my own. I disagreed-I wasn't doing bad, my grades were what would be considered "good". I didn't want to go, we spent weeks going back and forth on it. One day, they told me that I was joining and that was the end of it. My dad has a scary voice when he's serious, and in that moment, I felt like there was nothing I could do to oppose it, that would not escalate the situation. We went down to the tuition place, I was silently crying. I was asked to sign in a form, and after that was over, I walked back home separate from my parents.

I felt helpless in that moment. Tuitions aren't a bad thing, but my sibling was sent to them without her ever agreeing to go for it, and I felt like once that happened, my parents' wishes always superseded her's.

I was terrified (perhaps, unjustiably) of something similar happening, and so from the second day of tuitions, I refused to go. What followed was terrible for all of us-my mum would yell at me, waking me up at 5 in the morning (because that was when the tuition classes would start, and I was supposed to wake up for, if I wanted to arrive in time), and I would passively refuse, and she would get really angry. It would be one and a half hours of screaming at me in the morning, and I'd put a pillow over my head and cry, quietly (which I later learnt was not very good for breathing). She would perceive me crying as acting so I could get out of the scenario and evoke her sympathy, and she would yell worse things, so I had to figure out ways to not cry in front of her.

My dad was had returned to a different city at that point. It didn't help much that, that year, I applied for a role in school without informing my parents. I thought they'd act pleased (ahaha-I remember thinking it'd be a cool surprise...) or atleast, indifferent, but they were angry at me for it. They called up some people in school asking if the offer for the role could be rescinded, the day before I would take it up.

I lost track of the number of times I promised myself I would visit the counsellor and talk about the things at home, but never did. I would usually accompany someone else to the counsellor's room, have a fun chat with her, or speak about an event we had to plan for in school with her, and return to class.

There was a huge contrast between what my teachers thought of me, and what my parents did. My parents viewed me to be extremely dishonest, because I didn't tell them about the role at school. They also thought that I was acting in front of others, as a "nice" person. My dad once said he would expose me for who I really was, and threatened to call my teacher and my friends over the fact that I wouldn't go to tuitions, telling them how much distress I was causing. That everything I had was because I was a part of "the winning team". I was asked to leave the house, though that wasn't effected.

I do think my parents were distressed around that time, because I was not submitting to their wishes, I think they wanted something different for me, than what I wanted for myself, and I can see why they thought all the things about me that they did. But I don't know how to ever convincingly state that what I did was because I was afraid of losing control of my life, to them, as had happened to my sibling-and not because I was looking to cause them distress.

My dad said something something which reminded me of this, and it just had me breaking down a little last night. These occurences aren't recent, and I think we've moved past it.

I do think I struggle most with knowing if I really am disingenuous. Sometimes when I'm doing something, there's a voice that pops up seeking to know if I'm doing it only because I expect some form of "return" on that act. I don't expect to definitively know.

On my sanest days, I'm fine being valueless.

I was in my grandparents' house a few days ago, because something had happened, and I had to be there as "a source of comfort". It got pretty exhausting in a couple of days but while leaving their house, I felt a tinge of sorrow-that I would have to leave them with the people (relatives) they were with, before I arrived. [I suppose I was relating it to how I felt when I was younger when my father or sibling would leave home for another city, and how the house would feel gloomy.]

It seemed a little contradictory that I would be exhausted, but miss being so and I was thinking about it. While traveling back, there was a nearly relevant phrase that popped up in my head-"Sometimes, I find the things I have to do really exhausting, but I wouldn't have them be any other way"

[I also realized that using an alcohol-based sanitizer of a specific concentration (which I could not ascertain, as the label wasn't very clear) regularly on your hands greatly dehydrates the back of your hands. More so than it does the palms and the result is really dry skin.]

/ \

Our university has decided to call us in for physical interaction sessions before the end of the semester. I'll be traveling to another region, where I will be residing on campus premises with a few roommates I haven't yet met, for the duration of the course (which is a few years.)

I don't know what I wanted to write about it, I really can't figure out what my thoughts on it are. I considered that I may be a little afraid, as I haven't resided in the company of strangers/shared a room. I also haven't stayed away from family for as long, at the most I've stayed away for a month. But I don't know...it also feels a little confidence-infusing to know that you'll have to live by yourself? (almost)

Some of the recurring thoughts I've had have been:

i) Regret-at not having worked in a manner that would efficiently enable me to qualify for a specific course in another university (at this point, I think I've mentioned it too many times in this thread).

I think (or like to think) that if I had gotten in there, the excitement re: the course would have superseded some feelings of doubt/worry that I currently face with the the thought of living away from home.

ii) Excitement-mostly at the idea of being able to choose what I want to do.

iii) Despair-At the thought that I may end up being really sloppy as I live (almost) alone, and as a result-at the end of the course, find myself having not completed/accomplished that which I want to.

(iii) is most prominent, while (i) is least.

I was feeling stressed out, earlier today.

There's two things I don't want to do, but have to. In both, I feel like I'm not the person for the job. I feel as though I'm someone who either (a) Doesn't have the means to determine what is being asked (a path), with a probability of a net positive outcome, any better than "random" choice , or (b) Hasn't learnt enough from the past to specifically offer anything of value. I dislike that I am a part of both these events, and yet, to not be would appear uncaring and ungrateful.

I've been thinking that maybe if I could get myself to think that I do indeed have something "of value" to offer, this whole thing would be a lot less stressful. It's not like I can bow out either way, and speaking from an action-oriented perspective, changing how I thought would not make much of a difference in how I would have to approach these 2 situations, but a part of me feels deeply queasy about looking at it that way.

I completed most of my tasks for the day early, and I'm a little surprised by it. I'm also now done with both of the events I mentioned in the previous post, the experience wasn't unpleasant, but I feel better knowing that I did not have a choice to not do them.

I am not sure why I'm writing this now, and I do not suppose I could provide a reason even if you gave me time to mull things over.

--
I don't think I could ever define a "positive outcome", as I meant it in my previous post. I don't mean to say that I could not tell you which outcome would be better, given that you defined "better"-as something that would forseeably improve your well-being. I'm referring to the scenario where I am not sure if the outcome that would momentarily improve your well-being, would negatively impact you, further in your lifetime.

There is a lack of conviction in me, that anything that would definitively improve your well-being at instant of time, X, would not *contribute* to an outcome which would harm you (deprive you of a "better" state to be in) at instant Y (Y>X).

It sounds rather moronic on my part, to write that out-because I think there's a societal consensus, that we do not have the requisite data or computing capacity, to describe through time, a comprehensive impact of each outcome. That when asked for "Which outcome is better?", the question is "What, according to your understanding and experience, would be a better outcome?", where it is only assumed (and not necessarily proven) that our understanding and experience hold some insight that would be helpful to the person asking the question, and my previous paragraph does not seem to recognize this implied meaning. I agree that it doesn't, and I'd like to reiterate that I feel a little stupid for writing this.

The reason why this has been on my mind, is that a few weeks ago, I began taking the concept of the burden of persuasion seriously. In thought, if I wanted to suggest an action, I would have to demonstrate that this action would be preferred to ("better than") inaction. Practically of course, this wasn't possible for most actions xD-this was just something I wanted to think about for the heck of it. Given small scales of time and space, this was relatively easy if I assumed well-being of myself and those around me as the objective. But as I attempted to expand this to a larger space and time-scale, I ran into the limitations described above.

[It's perhaps now that I ought to mention how much of an impact a specific episode of Castle ("The Linchpin Theory") had on me, when I was younger. I do not know and I do not care if what the specific sequence of events suggested there was plausible, but something about watching a a web of notes/photos, interconnected struck me. I hadn't ever explicitly, mentally, phrased the concept of ripple effects. Even if I understood it logically, it had never previously hit me the way it did watching the episode.]

--

As I was partaking in one of the events (referred to in the prev. post), this indeterminacy, as to the kind of impact my participation would have, meant that if I had to rationalize why I ought to be a part of the event-the primary reason was being socially bound, which perhaps explains the first line of this post. (To be clear, a conventional understanding of good and bad outcomes would declare my participation as beneficial checked with a majority of people.)

I don't feel uncomfortable not knowing whether a positive outcome can be determined for a given action, I'm rather ok with that-but it does appear to pose a hurdle in a lot of daily interactions-wherein say, if someone expresses failure to me, I'm actually detached because I don't know if the ripple due to that failure, qualifies it to be definitively "bad".

[Note: This is not to be confused with the optimistic, "Failures are the key/stepping stone to success". ]

Thankfully, that doesn't show in what I say.

Hence, I'm confused as to whether I ought to let go of this..."lens to view events"?

On a deeper level, I recognize that this constant questioning/confusion of whether this is indeed something I need to let go of, is a good way to alternate between this detached state where I act as if I cannot compute whether something was positive or more likely, negative-and remain detached (albeit confused), and a more humane state, where I take good and bad outcomes as they're conventionally taken. I seem drawn to the idea of allowing this confusion/chaos to continue, inside my head.

My sleep quality has not been very good. The best way to describe the state in which I wake up would be "functional", more than anything else. I recognize that this is because of some poor decisions I've taken (and unfortunately, continue to take.)

Over the past 2 months, I've also come to conclude that with events that would be deemed important-the decrement in quality of work in the case where I attempt the completion of a task without preparation, when compared to the case where I have spent a considerable amount of time focusing on, and preparing for it, is marginal.
I therefore, felt like I would be better served if, atleast for a trial period, I attempted sleeping through some of the time I was supposed to be up preparing :")

Unrelated:
There's also some commitments I'm feeling restrained by, and I have the choice to let go of them. A part of me isn't letting go, because I've never done it before, and the scenario facing me isn't exactly invoking a visceral want to let go of those. I want to set some timeframe for when and how I let go of it, knowing fully well that I may not follow through on it.

It's the discriminant nature of my leave that makes this harder (letting go of some of the commitments, and not others,) and it has been my biggest obstacle in trying to be okay with this.

[I mean this only jokingly]

At this point in time, I have a higher expectation in the commitment's ability to disappear, than I have in my ability to muster the will-power to renege on it.

["I mean this only jokingly"...I guess not]

The past week-

Positives:
1. Improved seating posture, and I'm not spending too much time seated.
2. A renewed sense of vigour when it came to re-starting work/putting in effort into something from a couple of months ago.
3. A clearer framework to attempt assignments. [Which has nothing to do with the content of the assignments thereof] It appears to work.
4. Some stability when it comes to socializing/conversations.

Negatives:
1. Zoning out of specific subject classes, without attempting to learn what was taught, later on.
2. Increased quantity of sleep does not translate to a better state of mind. (possibly due to other physical issues)
3. My writing still feels vague.

Things I feel like speaking (writing) about:

P.4. I've come to the conclusion that there's only so much I can mess up (an upper bound, if you will) in a conversation. The way I imagined it does not make much sense rationally, but it intuitively appeals to me.

N.1. With the specific classes being taught, the content feels too decomposed in that everything is broken down to the smallest parts, which makes it much more difficult to retain.

N.3. /Don't want to explore any of the points further, because I'm just feeling too lazy to do so./
i) When I begin writing, it doesn't feel like an expression of thoughts. It feels like I'm choosing to stick with a topic through the whole post and it is mostly me constraining myself.
ii) I also feel the need to put in a lot of clarifications (in braces,) or spend a lot of time focusing on what I mean by something rather than writing on what I was thinking about it.
iii) Length of post: There's this weird correlation in my head that the more strongly I feel about something, the more I should be able to write on it. Logically, I'd disagree with that, but it just seems stuck within.
[Appearance is rather viscous (lol, what am I even doing here?) but that was just how it looked, and not representative of its true texture.]

iv) Leads to a lot of second-guessing, when experiencing [] . I don't know why I choose to write this on a public forum and a part of me (sometimes)...[I could not figure out how I wanted to phrase this, so this part in the bracket has no content to offer, thereby making this point rather pointless.]

Here's a list of unconnected thoughts. The italics indicate afterthoughts.

-

I'm feeling physically weak. I had to go out today, accompanying a person for medical stuff, and the trip did not involve anything that I would consider exhausting, but I returned with a terrible headache. The same happened two weeks, a couple of months, and a year ago. I'm feeling a sense of worry, that this is something that will stick around for the rest of my life.

Despite the possible catastrophization, I recognize that I've been in much more exhausting situations without experiencing those symptoms and I'll probably be able to work out something. This may simply be a tolerance issue and something I will adapt to, with further exposure.
-
I'm feeling mentally slower because I haven't been able to come up with spontaneous responses. I feel much more conscious about the tone of my texts, and have begun framing a general outline for them, before filling it in with words. Previously, it would be the case that I fill the words in, and sometimes check the outline to see if it's okay, and send it.
I'm not contributing topics to conversations. I was speaking with a friend and he was able to bring up a topic out of nowhere, but I didn't even attempt to. I was just producing statements on the topics he would bring up.
With another person I was speaking to, I'm not even running with the topics they give me. I'm just making indistinct noises, because it feels like they don't listen to anything from my end. It's just a long-winded narration.
I'm generally exhausted with speaking to people, because I'm forcing myself to adhere to a rigid regimen of speaking in a style which I believe will not have unintended consequences.

It's so much easier to respond when I'm sleepy, it's one of the few times where I feel like rambling (when the other person has finished rambling.) I think something about a part of your brain not having enough energy to develop outlines, makes it easier to respond. This state also resembles some degree of recklessness.
-
I'm feeling a loss of concentration.
Method 1: The hooks sink in along the way.
I get tired of waiting during the journey.
Method 2: The hooks have sunk in, you're zooming out to view them.
It feels disinteresting because I'm no longer on a journey, I'm just the guy adjusting the binoculars.

Relates to drowsiness again but if I'm able to make myself feel invested (if I'm the one responsible for sinking the hooks in,) I manage to make it through. This form feels inefficient, because Method 2 perhaps has the highest Volume Gradient (wrt time), but it works.
Inefficiency and pace is a substantive criticism though. [To be worked on--]

-On grief and loss
It was strange that she went from
"I can't handle the suffering, I don't want to be here" [Statement 1]
to
"I'm here for all of you." [Statement 2]

I presume that was selflessness, and I feel a little worried that she may try to suppress the thoughts expressed in statement 1 and possibly admonish herself for thinking of it, sometimes.

I was indecisive when she made the initial statement. There were multiple possible responses but I couldn't bring myself to do any of them. I wanted to be present in that moment , without a verbal response.

-Regrets
[X] extends his hand to [Y]
[Y] looks at [X]'s son
[X]'s son shakes his head (refusing permission), because touching [Y] may be unwise from a medical POV.

In a few days, [X]'s empty hospital bed remains.

Haha, I suppose I would have found a way to be disappointed in the last meeting, whatever it had been (the feeling of...that meeting should have been more?)
Being aware of that thought doesn't negate the other thoughts though :')

-
I'm feeling inconsistent. As though every time I describe how I'm feeling, that description no longer seems accurate. I'm afraid that I won't be the person that I describe myself as, or specifically-what I think might be the reasons for the characteristics in the description aren't in fact the causes for them. It leads me to not want to describe those feelings or reasons, because some time in the future (Like, tomorrow haha), I will feel like I was being deceitful.

-On shallow regrets
I dislike that I did it, but I would not want to have not done it.
It's like you can't ever say something without people drawing a characteristic off it. [I don't mean attributes that are negative, just attributes I feel wouldn't apply to me in other situations and when I know people to have attributed such things to me, I feel like if I don't display them in other cases, I will be coming off as unreasonably inconsistent.]

-Expectations
I should be able to get used to [a], it's incredibly resourceful, and perhaps my best shot given the present circumstances.

I also wanted to acknowledge that I've likely made a good number of typos and written a considerable number of grammatically incorrect sentences on various posts across this thread.

Over the past month, I haven't written on here because I felt like there was nothing new I could write.

Everything I had written would have been something, someone had experienced, without feeling the need to write about it. Or in some cases, had already written about it. I guess the question in my head was, "What is that distinctive feature about you/where you are, that qualifies to you, this place in which you can write?"

This was possibly antithetical to the "You (generic person) don't need a qualifaction to justify an action which you feel like partaking in, if it causes little/no conceivable harm to others" which I subscribe to. I'm not quite sure as to why I was applying the standard to myself.

--One prominent thought in my head was that repetitiveness (where I describe something that might have been described elsewhere,) was unproductive.
--There was also a worry. I wished I had a clean slate, where my present self wouldn't be judged (for better or for worse) by the past self that is evident above. In some ways, I felt like something about me had to be consistent with the expression of my self that was on this thread.

As I write now, in a largely sleep-deprived state, the mental restraints appear to disappear.

On a positive note, I managed to work up the courage/mental strength to initiate the process of letting go of the commitment in the above post. As the date of its actual disappearance nears, I find myself wondering if I shall feel a bit emptier without it. A part of me does not wish to imagine (if I have any control over my thoughts) the future that will exist without it, for I find often that thinking about those feelings, for me, is at times the equivalent of launching a preemptive strike on them. (Something I've grown a little wary of.)

I.e, my perception that I might experience those feelings, appears to decrease their chances of actually occuring--which has sometimes interfered with other processes largely relating to a deeper acknowledgement of the present.

<Related tangent
X from this post, had passed away a few months ago. It wasn't unexpected. Um, I knew it would happen. I had imagined multiple scenarios where it happened, and while I did feel prepared during the fact...there was a sense of underwhelm that followed. None of the emotions I thought would come, came. When they did, they'd leave as quickly as a tide retreating to sea. Almost like,

"Ah okie, that completes your intense dose of [random] feeling. Now back to normalcy, please."

The wiring appears to be poorly done lol.

>

I am proud for having let go of that commitment because of how long I hadn't, but it simultaneously feels like the act didn't matter. As though it was not something affecting me. As if me feeling good that I did so, is just a self-motivated attempt to make it feel like I did something for the betterment of both the other person, and I, even if the positive consequences which should arise from the act, don't.

"Proud" doesn't feel like the right word for it. Relieved, maybe?

I felt very weird talking about that, almost like it wasn't worthy of being written. I presently feel that way about everything I have written here.

I miss when I used to sleep for 56 hours a week, and still feel sleepy lol.

--I took a break, and am feeling a bit differently now. --

There's an expectation I have of myself, which is that when I'm intaking content which I wish to--that I will be able to feel...what I can only describe as comfort. The sensation that accompanies the demonstrations in your room where you're moving all around, making strange hand gestures in the air, as you're speaking to yourself. The tiles feel like a stage, and the lack of an audience makes you feel like you have no apparent long-term purpose for doing it. It is merely something which interests you in the present and, its features are irresistible. You aren't beholden to reasons/explanations that would account for the conclusion.

I expect that there will be a time when I will feel fresh, as though I could recreate that sensation in the instant I am in. If I'm not already feeling like I could recreate it, it will have been futile to expose myself to that content.

That reasoning...has flaws. The sensation need not be a prerequisite for the act. The act when allowed, is sometimes, the cause of the sensation.

Yet, I appear to ignore this.

--
I'm just imagining how frustrating it must be to read this post, now--if it is indeed so contorted as I perceive it to be.

--

(In a conversation with a friend, long ago. We were speaking, and eventually, silence dawned.)

*silence*

"Aaand silence falls."
"Haha, yeah"
"Do you find silence awkward/uncomforable?"
"No..."

*silence continues for 20 more seconds*

That felt so nice.

I woke up about 3 hours earlier than I usually do, today. About an hour in, I had nothing left to do. So, I was just sitting near the utility area and I felt like meditating. As I was closing my eyes, I saw something and thought it was an insect (I'm a bit frightened of specific insects, lol) and I tried to push it away. At this point, I realized it wasn't an insect (it was inanimate) but for the rest of the post, I've referred to it as an insect.

[This is a really stupid beginning.]

There are times when I'm sort of imagining another personality inside my head. It's usually 2 voices, one guiding the conversation and another...well, I don't know what the other does. I would describe the person I had in mind today morning, as someone who is...certain (able to posit things with confidence) and sometimes, optimistic. My usual self is not really aligned with their character, but I felt like doing a mental conversation, imagining what they would say. Somewhere along the line, I lost their characteristics altogether.

[If it wasn't clear, my bad! It was a mental conversation between two characters where one of the characters is based off someone I know in a very shallow manner, and the other is well...me. For reference, I'm going to call the former [Q], because it's largely a Questioning role, and me...me, or M.]

Q: What do you think of the incident with the insect?

M: What of it?

Q: What did you observe your instinctive reaction to be?

M: Drive it away.

Q: It wasn't to ascertain whether it was an insect?

M: No.

Q: What do you make of that?

M: I wasn't bothered enough to figure out if it was an insect?

Q: What did you see the insect as?

M: [in abstract terms that now seem hyperbolic] A threat to the state of existence I was in. Something that would disturb me later on.

Q: So, your gut reaction was to interact with what you saw as a threat (to drive it away), without pausing to identify whether it would be?

M: Yes.

Q: What do you think of it?

M: I want to specify a state.

M: Me, when I'm trying to do a specific type of task — tasks that require no external accountability/oversight.

Q: What is the parallel you'd like to draw?

M: I think I'm in a constant state of worry as to whether I'll be able to sustain my attention on the task. [I don't want to explore why now.]

[The insect is analogous to a disturbance I believe will arise when I am in a state where I am doing a task. The worry is that the arrival of the insect would kind of put me in a different headspace — one where I shall not feel like returning to the task.]

Q: What about this class of tasks makes it so important to you — that you feel worried about not being able to remain focused on it?

M: Because inside my head, these tasks are the ones I'm least likely to do but also the ones I'd most like to do. Every beginning is sort of special, in the sense that it's rare.

Q: "least likely to do"..." most like to do"?

M: If I wanted to phrase it accurately, I would say that I really desire the results that I believe would arise from my completion of those tasks. They're not material in nature, but it'd make me feel a bit full-er?

Q: "full-er"? 😔 [I realize "filled" is the word but it didn't strike me at the time of writing.]

M: Sorry.

Q: Is this related to "delayed gratification"?

M: Kind of — the tasks stretch deep into the future and any gratification is contingent on other factors too. So, it's uncertain delayed gratification lol.

I don't expect to ever feel fully gratified by the completion of these tasks, I think I'll just feel nice knowing that the task didn't really make me feel less emptier, but I did it anyway and...that'll make me feel a bit "full-er" lol.

Q: You put a divider there, you wanted to switch track?

M: Yes. I want to speak about what I did after realizing that it wasn't an insect.

Q: Ah, back to that. I'd almost forgotten it.

M: I felt tense that I had lost focus, a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to regain it?

Q: What do you make of that?
M: When I realize that there may be a threat to the state, my thoughts are diverted towards attempting to secure it?
Q: xD "attempting to secure it"?

M: Trying to preserve it?

Q: You said "your thoughts are diverted"?

M: I know where you're going.

Q: Where?

M: This euphoric answer of (in a cheeky voice) "Since your thoughts are diverted towards preserving the state, some of the thoughts which constituted the state ceased to exist/are replaced by the preservation effort and so, you lose focus".

Q: Your tone indicates...disdain/contempt?

M: It's not because of you, I just dislike that answer. On an emotional level. It doesn't feel right, but that's possibly also because of other things.

Q: What would you like to suggest instead?

M: I don't have a suggestion.

[Absolute BS]

Q: You have a suggestion? M: I think those new thoughts that arose to preserve the state, sought to interact with what they perceived as a threat to it.

Q: The...insect?
M: The equivalent of the insect (?)

Q: What do you think they were trying to do?
M: I think the thought process was something like, if I (the being) do enough distracting things, at some point, I will run out of distracting things to do and will return to this state that I'd like to preserve.

Q: It's...sacrificing the present state—the stale bread isn't kept in any longer in the hope that it can just go and get a headstart on whatever it (its constituent atoms) will next do. A head start on decomposition?

M: Yeah.

[That was the end of the conversation. I was interrupted by someone else, and didn't continue it.]

I wrote the statements above in certain terms, but I kind of wanted to put a blanket of uncertainty over the whole conversation. I have definitely said something incorrect/inconsistent or stupid above.

Was able to append a table to my bio, but it's apparently not possible on forum posts. So, I wanted to test it out. Expecting blank space: