To the last days (tw)

6/16/24

To the last days (11 days left)

Have you ever wanted to disappear?  I did once, and to tell the truth its nothing special.  At first it may hit you as the worst feeling ever but more sooner than later you realize it's nothing more than what it is, a feeling.  

It all started at 6:04 p.m, I was on my way home from doing god knows what a kid like me should be doing.  Everyday I take a longer walk home that I could just to delay sitting around doing nothing in a daze and in that path is a tunnel.  Under that tunnel a group of people a bit older than me hang out. Usually I would change my path to avoid this but it was fine because they didn't acknowledge me and nor did I to them. Until 6:04 on that damn wrenched evening.

"Hey you".  Just as I made it to the end of the tunnel I heard a girl that sounded unfriendly.  I turned slowly around to meet her face to face and the worst thing that ever happened to me happened. She smiled at me.  After that we became friends, yada yada you know how that goes.  Sure, this would've been fine if I wasn't who I am and she wasn't who she was.  Me, a girl who was a speck of dust in a world of vacuum cleaners.  Her, the person who hoards vacuum cleaners.  Normally, she would've hated me.

For about 9 months we were closer than ever, I had someone I didn't need to be somebody else around and she had somebody to keep her afloat.   She called me "twerp".  I earned that nickname through helping her in her pranks and tricks.  I choose to, and I somewhat don't regret it.  I called her "fence" because she ripped her pants trying to climb over one.  Nothing mattered, really, nothing did.  We had each other.  At least we did till those last 11 days.

For 10 days I went to under that tunnel and she was nowhere to be seen.  I was doing horribly, because without her I was stuck in a world where I was living because I had to not because I wanted to.  She was a part of me.  On the 11th day I found a letter on the fence on the side of the tunnel, the one we shared so many laughs at.  She had left for good.  I wish I could say for another city, state, or country, but no she left.  As in she killed herself.

I hated myself everyday, I wondered endlessly if I had been there every second of those days leading up to "it" she would've came to me and we could still have each other.  It was all my fault, everything.  "If I had been a better friend, if I had been there, I could've saved her".   I imagined her there laying lifeless and I'm not sure what I would've done if I even could save her.  I knew there was nothing I could've done.

Due to that a feeling destroyed me all together.  The feeling I wanted to disappear.  Without her, I really was just a speck of dust.  This was months ago, and as I've said you come to get used to things. After all, a feeling is nothing more than a feeling.  Right?

Fence told me "If you speak words that nobody can understand, then they are just gibberish. If you live a life you cannot stand, then it's meaningless."  I never knew how to respond but I know now I'd tell her that I understood her words and that every single thing she says, gibberish or not, is kept in my heart.  I repeat her words sometimes.

There is nothing I can do for her because she is gone, but those 11 days are hers.  I plan to give them back.  Every second I was not there, every day she could've came to that bridge and I didn't wait, every tear she cried in those past 10 days to the last ones she cried on the 11th, I will give them all back to her.  In whatever ways possible, I will dedicate myself to my one and only best friend.

11 days left.