Too many things, so I know it will be long

I took a break from 7Cups for a while. I've realized that social media, in general, is sort of amplifying the way I'm feeling. It's making me unproductive, which bothers me. I'm back, because I have to figure things out. I am fine with anyone responding, or no one responding. I think a lot of my sadness is based on thinking I'm not worthy of attention because of lack of likes and responses and I need to get over that, because feeling that way is seriously impacting my mental health.

I have a lot of things going on in my life that I'm having difficulty dealing with. I think I'm going to just number them and talk about each separately.

1. My Job -- It has been horrible since I started it in Dec 2018. People say to just find a new job, but honestly it isn't that easy. I had 2 part time jobs during that time, hoping to move to full time, but I ended up quitting both those jobs. I feel like my current job is my safety net. That being said, I made a decision...while I know I need to quit, I'm not going to, yet. I am going to take a week off and then come back and tell my boss I will only work 20 hours each week. He can get upset, but after he made me an independent contractor, his ability to control how I work went out the window. I want to do other things to make money, like being a courier or some kind of helping aid. Thankfully there are aps out there for all those kinds of gigs. But the problem is that every day at work, I just want to fully quit, not go down to 20 hours a week. I just want to wash my hands of the job and my horrible boss.

2. My sister moving in with my mom -- This is probably one of the more devastating things going on in my life. It's difficult for most people to understand, but my sister is extremely manipulative and just not a nice person. She and I haven't spoken since 2006, for very good reasons. I want to explain without it seeming like I'm insane lol.

so ******for this paragraph there are trigger warnings*****.

In 2000 my brother took his life and my sister, although I know she was grieving, told me that he always hated me, that he never wanted to be around me. I honestly know that this isn't true, but it shows the kind of person my sister is. In 2006, she let my ex-husband know where we were. We had fled to protect my oldest daughter, who had been abused by him and his brother. He didn't know where we were, until my sister told him. She also told my mom that I lied, and my daughter lied, about her being abused and my mom believed her. She then contacted all my exes (I kid you not) and started an "I hate" group about me. Two of my exes told me about it and said they were never going to join. I mean, okay, but why even tell me? lol. She also is into some really dark stuff, like spells and rituals. She's not wiccan. She is someone who just wants to try to ruin everyone else's joy.

End trigger warnings

So, anyway, she's moving in with my mom. My mom has always told me that she loves my sister more than me and I will never be as important to her as my sister. Since my sister is moving in with my mom, I will no longer be able to see my mom. We live in different states, but I won't even be able to go for a visit. I cannot be around my sister and I wouldn't want to put my mom through that negativity. This is a very real sadness for me, but I also think it's anger. Anger that my mom can't see what kind of person she is.

3. My 50th birthday -- I have never cared about age. I always thought you got better as you got older, but now I'm not so sure. I'm not sad to almost be 50. I'm sad that I am not where I should be at 50. Getting divorced in my late 30s made me have to start over like I was a teenager with her first job. It has been difficult to progress and at this age, many people don't want to hire you. But it's not just that, it's that the only person who celebrates with me is my son. I am ignored by everyone else. Sadly, this year he's not going to even be in the state. His paternal grandfather's funeral is on my birthday, so that's where he will be. So, this birthday will be especially sad for me. I have no friends, so I will be celebrating alone and so probably will just forget it.

4. My daughters -- This has been an ongoing sadness for me for a long time. I have 3 daughters, none of whom talk to me. There was an argument with each of them, mostly all ridiculous, and something that people should get over, but they won't talk to me. I have tried reaching out, apologized, tried to start again with them and each refuse. I mean, honestly, one argument was about eggs...yes, eggs! Of course, even though it was about eggs, I embarrassed her, which is why she can't forgive me. So, I don't ever talk about my daughters, because it's sad and painful for me. Because of all this, I deeply regret ever having children, because I am a horrible mom. I never wanted to have regrets, yet, having children is a big one. My son is a godsend, but I feel like I have to walk on eggshells, to try to not upset him, because I worry he will leave me, too. I literally have no one.

5. Health issues -- my health is really poor. I have received really awful medical advice and I cannot change doctors, because I have no health insurance. I am dealing with heart problems, ear problems, weight problems, restless legs, and autoimmune problems. I see a cardiologist who yelled at me for doing aerobics, telling me that I wasn't allowed to exercise, which fueled the weight gain. My general practitioner won't listen to me and just says I have anxiety, which I don't. I'm pretty sure I would know that. I don't have any of the signs of anxiety, like worrying or not being able to sit still, biting my nails, nothing...and regardless, anything for anxiety will fuel the restless legs, and I can't handle that. Having restless legs has really destroyed my life. I talked to my cardiologist about interactions with the anxiety meds I was prescribed (because my GP wouldn't take no for an answer) and he went and yelled at my GP. So, the last appt I had with her, she didn't want to hear me talk, kept cutting me off, actually told me to stop talking. I have an appt coming up with her in 2 weeks and I'm dreading it. But with my health, I feel like I can't do anything, but I need to do something and trying and failing is really harming my self esteem. I am also one of those all or nothing people, so I have to be very careful that I don't do something that will harm my health even more. I asked for help from my doctor, who sent me to a nutritionist, who told me it was about willpower. Well, I have none of that, so I'm not sure what they expect. How do you get willpower if you just don't have it?

Anyway, this is so long. This is what I'm going through, though. It's a lot and often it's too much. I need a break. I need to figure out how to get over things. I need to be able to move on and deal with my anger.