Thoughts, Still Scattering
Time has passed. So many things have changed, and yet in many ways the grand picture still remains the same as it was back then. Even so, I think I'm in a new chapter now, so let's make a new heading. It feels-- off, posting here again, though I suspect that feeling mostly comes from the radio silence I unintentionally slipped into. In many ways it feels worse maintaining that silence, so I think it's about time I break it. Too little too late-- wasn't that one of the things that brought me here in the first place? It's getting harder to remember
@mytwistedsoul @NoneTheWiser I've thought of you all almost every day. I regret not keeping up with what's been going on in your worlds-- the good and the bad-- but I want (need?) you to know that you are forever welcome in mine
Is it wrong to resurrect this?
@ThePizza gives you a giant festive tiny hug ❤❤squeezes you tightly ❤ no it's not a bad thing to resurect this. This site is your safe place, and when you need it most it's always here for you ❤ we are always here for you ❤ to help and support you in any ways we can ❤❤wishes you a very merry Christmas ❤
@ThePizza M! Omgosh it's so nice to see your name pop up! I have missed you! No regrets ok? I know it's easier for me to say that though then it is to put into action. Life and time have a way of getting away from us. I have regrets too unfortunately - I guess maybe that's a part of life too. How was your first semester? of college?
@mytwistedsoul
It certainly was a semester!
Yet again I had so many realizations of how I could have done things better— right as classes ended of course, so too late to do anything about it now. Guess I’ll just apply it to next semester, and get a nice fresh start. I definitely haven’t been telling myself this same thing for the past several years, nope haha what gives you that idea
Well it’s been about a week now since I wrote the above paragraph– I meant to reply to you earlier but oh well. At least I know that you understand this sort of thing
The duality of everything is funny to me at times. On the one hand I could list several things about college for you that make it sound like I’m having the perfect time, and yet I’m still struggling and unhappy. Idk. I guess the big picture looks good but when you zoom in past the surface, you see all the rough edges of the details that weren’t really noticeable before. Or maybe I’m doing that thing artists do, where they’ve spent so much time staring at an artwork that they can only see the flaws even when others are genuine in praising the piece.
My current plan is to major in marine biology, and get a minor in classical studies (ex. Ancient Latin, Greek and Roman history and mythology). I will say that I’m pretty excited about my new classes this upcoming semester. I just had calculus and oh my god that was brutal, especially with math being my weakest subject 😅 no math next semester other than my Chemistry 101 class, but that’s still quite the improvement compared to calc. Truly hoping to get my act together, especially now that I’ve gone through a semester of college. I do feel I learned ways I can do things better. We’re just gonna call first semester the experimental phase. Gotta have one throwaway time period to mess things up in the name of figuring things out, right?
Thinking back on it now, one of the hardest things for me recently I think has been the fact that one of my very best friends is in Europe for university. I have multiple close friends (oh *** I hope that doesn’t sound like a flex 😭 also I noticed words get automatically censored now in posts? interesting), but this was the one person that I would text every single day without fail, multiple times a day. So the time difference really sucks ***. I miss them a lot.
Also now realizing/remembering how easy it feels to talk to you. Seriously, thanks for sticking around :’)
@ThePizza You'll definitely do better next semester. It probably takes time to figure everything out between schedules and free time and just the classes themselves. Getting to know the professors and the way they want things to be done
First two episodes of the Percy Jackson show drop on the 20th, this Wednesday. Back when I was younger and read all the time, this series was My Thing. My interest in mythology grew because of this series, eventually leading to taking Latin in high school, and now I plan on minoring in classical studies. I talked about the series constantly, especially to family and friends, so much so that my brother instinctively groans at the slightest mention of it.
It's been so long since I last reread the books. Of course I'm excited for the show, especially after the disastrous inaccuracy of the two movies made several years ago; and the author has been a lot more involved in production this time, which is promising. But I also feel distant. Once I got to high school I stopped reading the way I used to, because I didn't have the time, and there was a lot of other *** going on that I had to figure out (still working on all that, of course-- it never ends up as a one-and-done thing, does it?). There is this one book series I've managed to get into, but that's a story for another time. I used to read so so much.... I miss that.
I just wish I was in a better place mentally, so that I could truly experience the joy that I know this show will bring me. The more I think about it the more I realize that I kind of am numb now. Not 100% of the time, but it's definitely harder for me to feel excited about things that in my head I know I would be excited about. The more positive emotions in general are just muted I guess. Funny how that works-- I could use that lack of feeling from time to time, to tone down guilt or regret or discomfort, but no, of course it doesn't ever work in my favor-- I'm laughing a little bit because it's sort of funny that I even expected it to at this point
I've been trying so hard to get rid of some of the things I have. I just have too much stuff, and my room is constantly messy and disorganized because of it. It's always been a problem for me, and at some point I did start to go through my things and do a sort of deep clean. At this point I can't remember if it started before or after covid, although it doesn't really matter. I just know at some point a while ago I actually got rid of a ton of old clothes, and filled a few giant rectangular tupperwares with things to be donated or gotten rid of. It was a significant amount of stuff, and yet I'm left feeling like it didn't even make a dent, because my room is still overflowing and a chaotic mess. I can't fathom how I was able to get rid of so much and yet feel like I'm still right where I started. I know I've continued to get new things over the past few years, but I truly thought I had slowed down bringing new things in, enough to where it wouldn't completely replace what I had taken out. So I keep trying to get rid of more things, but it's been incredibly hard and frustrating to do. I get emotionally attached to stuff, which makes it hard to let go of things. And there are also times when I know logically that something has been sitting in my room for a year and I haven't used it, but I have an idea or multiple ideas of projects involving its use, and feel the urge to save it until I actually do that project. I think part of the cleanout started when I repainted the walls of my room a different color, because I had to take everything out of the room anyway. I also rearranged furniture and stuff, which I'd think would have helped me figure out more storage space, but here I am still living in a huge mess. I remember a few years ago before I redid my room, in my old dresser I had amassed an entire drawer full of old toilet paper and paper towel cardboard tubes. I was saving them for future crafts or projects, but never did get around to using them. My parents really hated that I was saving so many of them. Eventually I broke one day and tossed them all in the recycling bin, which for a brief instant felt nice because I suddenly had an empty drawer available, but the satisfaction was short-lived. Right now I have a box in my room with pretty much every single piece of mail I was sent by colleges back when I was a junior and senior in high school. I kept them all, at first out of interest and recordkeeping because I was still working out which schools to apply to, but as the collection amassed I got the idea to save it all and use it to create some sort of artwork as a commentary on junk mail and the waste of resources all those papers were. I know that logically I shouldn't be hanging on to all that crap a year later, especially since I need the storage bin for other things in my room, but every time I try to get rid of it I think of my original art idea and I just can't let it go. Another thing that gets me is scrap pieces of cardboard or paper. Like I could totally use that in a future art project, so I should save it, right? And I forever have the internal debate over getting rid of it because I always feel like if I get rid of it, I'll inevitably have that moment in the future where it could have been REALLY useful to me, but I just had to be a dumb idiot and throw it out earlier. Same thing goes for items, too. Like for some reason I have a few pairs of cheap sunglasses that I never use, so I should definitely donate those. But what if I need to use them in the future?? Of course I could buy a new pair in the future if I truly do end up needing them, but then I've wasted money because I HAD some perfectly good ones but then got rid of them. At least, that's the thought process I run through in my head. (part one ***)
Dunno why it’s sideways but I don’t care enough to try and fix it. I guess it does add a bit of charm
not exactly sure what happened, but I got knocked WAY out of routine towards the end of the week and it’s really *** me up. Been very hard to break the cycle and get back to feeling semi normal
which is a problem because I have schoolwork and everything to get done
weather’s nice. Im sitting on an old wooden swinging bench thing and the pond is my view. Pretty nice spot on campus
why is food so hard to do right?
@ThePizza This was a good song. I didn't even know they had anything new out. Thanks for posting it M :)
