Thought Spot (open to all)

Good morning everyone 👋

It's been a day allready. (Technically I'm posting for two days to cover Sunday as well) Where do I start?

I learned about something called Pro Ana. This was new to me so I decided to look it up. I don't really know how to describe it other than interesting. If you don't know what that is, it's basically a cult-like group of people encouraging anorexia by living a set of rules that include not eating over 800 calories and exercising very often. I don't feel like everything there is fit for me but I did consider trying to limit calories. First day is today so let's hope I can do it.

During church yesterday, a few boys in my Sunday school were messing around with some thumbtacks and one in particular was kinda scratching the palm of his hand to get some calluses but it kinda triggered me because thumbtacks and sewing pins were... My method (I guess) of self harm. I had to step out for a minute so I didn't tell or cry.

I decided to write to my ex. The letters probably aren't the best things to write to make this any easier but I had to say what I was thinking. I will give those to him today.

On the subject on my ex, I'm still having dreams about him and fantasising about him multiple times a day. I don't know if it's bad but sometimes I feel like it is.

Woke up late this morning and made everyone else late too, I feel really bad.

That's it for now. Thanks,

Queencake

I'm sorry it's been so long, I promise I'm still alive.

Thai week was pretty crap.

I've hurt myself again and I'm ashamed, but keep feeling the urge to do it again

I'm suuuuper tempted to tell my ex I can't do this anymore, I want him back so bad. And that fact makes me feel like a horrible person because he's getting better, he's moving on. I'm afraid he's gonna not want me back at all. I want him though. I would do anything for him and I would do anything to get him back. I might talk to him today but I don't know.

I see him everywhere, and in everything too. I washed my hair and wondered if he would've played with it like he used to. I laid in bed and wishes that he would come to me. I stood in front of a mirror and wondered if he would put his arms around me again. I close my eyes and he's everywhere. I miss him. I miss you bear. I'm lost and scared and sad and abandoned like a little puppy on the road.

Please just come back to me.

TW**

I'm scared

I'm scared of me sometimes. I hate me most of the time.

Dang, I hate myself all the time actually.

Or, at least I hate myself now.

I have a pretty easy life. I'm not diagnosed and I probably don't deserve to be but sometimes I wonder if I should be. I'm slipping into depression again and I just want to go home. Sometimes I want to go to a mental hospital, just for a little bit, especially when I'm having a breakdown. I want to be restrained so I don't hit my head or pull my hair or worst of all cut myself again. I want something there for emotional support, a dog would be nice but my care isn't that bad. In fact, I don't deserve any help. My case isn't that bad. What if it's all just in my head? What if I'm caught in some attention grabbing desperate act of mine. I don't deserve help. Why am I important at all. Why do I deserve anything at all. I want all these things that are used to support people for my stupid stupid self diagnosed condition which is probably not even relevant, I'm such a waste of time and energy. I'm such a disaster. I'm so stupid. How could I even be such a horrible person to want something that is actually used seriously. How could I want to get help that I don't need.

I hate myself. I'm such a bad person. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

I'm breaking down. We'll see how the day goes but that little cutting pin at home seems very nice right now.

Good afternoon all.

**TW***

It's been a day.

Yesterday I decided to talk with my ex, I decided to tell him how I was feeling. I told him that I was missing him and that I wanted him back, and at first he seemed to understand. He seemed to want to make things better, he even hugged me. But then once I left he texted me and said that we couldn't do this. He said he was getting over me and I made it all worse again.

I got so upset I went home and cried and hurt myself. I hated myself for making it worse for him. All I wanted to do is love him but I hurt him instead. I ended up cutting myself and burning myself with hot water. (Usually a shower) I got really upset because he also said he wasn't going to the party my friends were planning and I'm pretty sure it's my fault.

The thing about that though is he said he needed closure, so I braces myself and said goodbye, and now I almost feel like I needed that closure as well. I didn't wake up thinking about him, I didn't want to daydream about him, and I kinda don't feel like I need him as much. I think that what he said finally made me understand that he needs space, and I do too. I do hope that sometime in the future I can have him back, but that's if it happens naturally. I'm not sure how I feel about him anymore and I'm kinda sad about that.

Anyway, after my lovely little breakdown last night I decided to go driving with a friend. To keep things short, I got distracted and had a little fender bender with someone. No one got hurt but I felt so so so horrible that I cried to my friend for like an hour, luckily he's the best friend in the world and helped me through it, I didn't tell him until later but he helped me not want to cut again.

Later that night we were hanging out on the couch and he saw the cuts on my arm, we talked about it and I think he was really sad that I was doing that and I feel bad for worrying him but he said that I could call him anytime I felt like cutting again so that was really helpful. I'm sorry that I worried him though. I hope that I didn't do anything wrong.

All in all, today has been kinda a numb day, I don't know how I feel but I think things will be okay.

Good morning everyone 👋

Today is going to be interesting. I'm a little anxious.

On one hand, I'm going to hang out with my friends and I'm very very excited about that. We're all having a potluck and hanging out so that's going to be super fun.

On the other hand, my ex is going to be there and that makes me nervous. I'm worried I'm going to end up closing up again once he comes around. I don't know how to make it seem like everything is normal for both him and me.

There were some other things that are totally irrelevant that I wanted to share,

1) I started a little bit of cooking and so far it has gone really well! I've only made two fairly simple things but they turned out really well. A plus on that note is that when I messed up I didn't get super frustrated like I usually do and I'm proud of myself for it.

2) for those who didn't know I'm an artist (as a hobby) and I've recently been into fashion design. Ive almost filled my first sketchbook and I have one page left which is a huge accomplishment and I also got my first clothing pattern so I can start making clothes and I'm super duper excited!

I can't think of anything else right now but I'll keep y'all updated!

Bye!

Hello everyone.

I don't know how I'm feeling today.

I had a friend stay over at my house last night which was fun, we talked about mental health and relationships for a long time before bed. She slept earlier this morning.

It snowed a crap ton last night so now we're kinda stuck at home which is no fun, oh well.

I'm kinda feeling down about myself because yesterday I had a situation where a friend of mine who I love as a brother ask me if i liked him. I realize that I had been getting pretty close to him lately but I don't really see him romantically. I'm really mad at myself for doing that and I don't really know how to explain to him that I really need someone to hug and stuff. I'm scared he's gonna avoid me a bit more now, and I'm probably gonna have to shut off a little bit.

I'm mad that I let myself go like that. I hate that I made him uncomfortable and I feel like I'm super stupid for turning to him. I'm probably taking this too far but Im in the mood to hate myself right now.

Another undescribable mood I'm in, Ive recently had the urge to get up and go somewhere. I wanna go out and be alone and see a big city and walk around new York, explore small towns and cozy shops, see fashion and color and art and go to shows and hear new music and run away from my life now and do something new. I want to do something exciting.

That's not going to happen though, I'm too young and there's too much holding me back.

I really don't know what's going on.

Thanks for tuning in

Good afternoon and hello

Today's been pretty good, minus a few bumps here and there.

Today im out shopping with my mom. It's been good.

Today I really miss my ex, and everything makes me think of him. It doesn't hurt as much though, it's just a longing for him now. I miss him a lot.

Today im in the mood to explore again. I want to go out somewhere big or somewhere secluded and hear the sounds of the world and be an adventurer. I want to grow as a person and be the full me.

That's all

Hey Guys!!!

Im super stoked to announce i just finished filling a whole sketchbook! It took me about a year or more but it's finally complete. Im very proud of how much my work has grown!

That's all

<3,

queencake

Dang it's been a hard week.

I haven't been able to fall asleep easily recently because I've been crying myself to sleep thinking about him. I keep wishing he'll show up at my window like he did so so long ago or maybe call me or text me or something. I keep hurting myself by thinking that he doesn't love me anymore, and all of our good memories are being corrupted by an imaginary "new girlfriend". I've had two nightmares where he's involved, but instead of him leaving me he's still with me and someone else is trying to take me away.

I really want to just beg for him to take me back.

I wake up missing him so bad, and I fall into a trap of daydreaming that he's there and still loves me. It takes me a while to get up because I don't have the motivation to get out of bed and leave my daydreams behind. I don't wanna get up at all sometimes.

I keep hating myself because I know that wanting him back is a horrible thing for me to do now that he's getting better. I keep thinking that the people we used to hang out with only tolerated me because I was this little plus one that came with him. I'm starting to think I'm annoying, and that I bother people. I hate the fact that he would hurt himself over me, and I hate the fact that I was the one who made him hurt himself (indirectly, he said he liked the attention) while we were together. I hate that I was the one who was holding him back from getting better, and I hate that I still want to be with him.

I keep saying that I could bargain with him, that maybe if I was perfect, maybe if I forced myself not to depend on him and maybe if I forced myself to hold back the pda and maybe if I forced myself to be perfect for him he could take me back.

I don't even know if he wants me back anymore.

I'm super scared I'm going toget attached to someone like I did to him. I can't depend on anyone like I depended on him because that's unhealthy, so the only way to not do that is to not tell anyone about my feelings.

I need to stop getting so close to my friend just because I'm lonely. It's not good for me and it probably bothers him.

I really sometimes just wish I could go into like a coma or something, so I don't have to deal with life or deal with people or deal with missing him so bad. I luckily haven't hurt myself yet but I keep miming a bunch of bad actions, which is one of my warning signs. I don't know who to tell.

Ugh...... I just want my boyfriend back. I just want to kiss him again. I miss him so bad I would do literally anything to get him back.

Someone please help me.

I feel like I'm dying

Good morning friends!

I'm feeling pretty good today but i didn't sleep well again.

I still miss him really really bad. The thing that got me last night was that our one year anniversary is coming up tomorrow, and I really wish we were still together to celebrate that. Im also pretty upset that I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, which is probably a valid feeling. I really miss him and realize that he probably isn't gonna take me back, idk.

I was miming self harm again last night and scratching with my nails, and was really tempted to call my friend(I'll call him T) who said I could call him anytime, but then I realized something.

I can't call him or talk to him about that kind of stuff because I'm allready dependant on him. I broke the dependancy with my boyfriend but now ive just switched over to T and now I'm afraid that I can't reach out to anyone in case I become dependant on them. I'm helpless.

I got to pick up some fabric for a new project I'm starting soon so that was exciting.

I made a Christmas list and I'm super stoked for Christmas. I've allready got plans to get gifts for my friends so that's gonna be fun.

Other than that, nothing big has happened.

Bye