The meadow of a fluffy sheep

@Fluffysheep8

Definitely following this thread. ❤️

@Fluffysheep8 This is awesome!! Definitely looking forward to reading this diary! 🥰

How do I follow a thread

@Fluffysheep8

yay fluuuuuuuff *hugs*❤️☺️

@Fluffysheep8

So exciting! I can't wait. You are really interesting and awesome and I assume that your diary will be the same!

okie dokie. I can totally follow.

Hello friends! Welcome back to my meadow. I thought I'd make an entry about some things that have happened in my life lately.

• I have my outfits planned out for the first 8 days of high school 😛
• I’ve been texting with two friends who I met through a transition to high school program, and I’m really grateful that I met them because otherwise, I would’ve been completely alone going into high school. Two good people can totally make such a difference. ❤️
• I had a pretty intense dysphoria attack :') although dysphoria is intense and painful, I’m grateful to have supportive people who care about me (family, IRL friends, trevorspace friends, 7cups friends, my therapist, and soon a gender clinic.
• I went to the Minnesota State Fair twice! Once with each parent and both times with my brother. We were there the whole day, and we ate funnel cake, cheese curds, a fried snickers bar, a pronto pup (corn dog), lemonade, corn, cotton candy, and cider pops. We also got to see many cute animals! I’ll attach pictures after this post. 😀
• I was reminded that bullies bully because they feel bad about themselves and putting people down helps them temporarily feel better about themselves. This made me feel a lot better about being bullied all of last year. Also, I gained a new perspective—I’d rather be a victim than a bully. For any of you out there being bullied, or for any of you out there who have been bullied in the past, please know that it’s not your fault, and it’s a reflection on the bully, not on you. You deserve love, kindness, care, respect, and support. ❤️
• I got to video call with a friend from camp for the first time. She’s younger (11) and she seems to admire me. She was super excited to message me and video call with me, she says I’m funny, and she kept nominating me for acknowledgments at camp [it was a thing that campers could do for each other]). 😊

That's all I've got for now! Thank you for reading, and I'll see you again next time!

Pictures from the state fair!

High school... it finally happened. I haven't been this terrified in a long, long time. I was so scared because I only knew two people (other students) going to my high school who like me, and I met them less than two months ago (at a transition-to-high-school program). I wrote an entire essay to try and convince myself that high school will be awesome. So here's how my first and second days of high school went!

The first day was only freshmen (about 600 students, the entire school has about 2,400). After I walked to school, all of us were rushed into the gym to sit on the bleachers. Cheerleaders were cheering and drums and trumpets and tubas playing as we walked in. I didn't think I'd make it to see this day. I've been suicidal so many times, I truly didn't think I would. But even if I did, I would never have guessed it would've looked like this. As I was trying to figure out where I was supposed to sit, I realized in horror that it was open and arranged by friend groups. My heart was beating as loud and as fast as the drums. I can't tell if I'm exaggerating, but if I am, it's not by much. I remember thinking to myself, where are my friends? Where are Rosalie, Selena, Nora, Charlotte, and Ava? Where are my safe people? I need them. (For those of you who don't know, the names of the friends I just mentioned are now in 8th grade and I'm now in 9th, so they stay in middle school this year while I go to high school.) I considered begging my ex-friend group to let me sit with them. I would've said something along the lines of, "I know we're not friends, but I have nowhere else to sit, please just let me sit with you, just this one time." I decided against it. They would probably say no, and we don't like each other anyway. I saw more people from my old school who I don't like and who don't like me. It was nerve-wracking, to see their faces again. A teacher said that there were seats "over there" and pointed to a bleacher row filled with boys who bullied me last year, and I was like, *internal screaming*.

Eventually, I decided to sit next to some random strangers. It was only going to be for an hour, at most. The principal made some announcements, we had a paper stack domino competition, the robotics club did a demonstration, the theater kids played a game, and some talented students performed K-pop and Hmong dance. After that first assembly, it was time for first period, which for me was geometry. We played a word game and learned about Raider Time, which is basically choice time at the end of the day with lots of options. In world studies, we reviewed school iPad expectations and played a Kahoot. In teen life, we reviewed iPad expectations and played Uno. At lunch, I sat next to Gracie, who was one of the two friends I met in July at a transition-to-high-school program. She's a bit chaotic, she has a lot of energy, and she doesn't make a lot of sense when she talks, but at least she's nice and she likes me. There was an activity fair, where students could sign up for extracurriculars. I'm interested in GSA (obviously) and maybe theater crew, which I did last year. After the activity fair, Gracie and I hung out at The Commons, which is a modern-looking room with circular tables, chairs, and sofas. Students can choose to eat lunch in either the cafeteria or The Commons. Ibro and Kia, some bullies from my old school, mockingly said hi to me, I could tell it was mean-spirited. I walked past Ibro and turned away from Kia. They laughed and snickered, but at this point, I really don't care at all about them.

In science class, we talked more about the school iPads' acceptable use policy and the dangers of social media. In English, we filled out a get-to-know-you activity and wrote 10 things about ourselves. The person who put the most info gets a prize. I have a feeling it might be me. I wrote a little over a page, while others wrote barely over a sentence. There was a fire drill evacuation. Charley, a girl from my old school, was all like, "Oh my gosh hey Everett what's up?! I love your pronoun pin!" and I was like, "...thanks" because it's not like we're friends or we like each other. She then asked if she could take a picture with me, and I was like, sure, why not? I know it probably sounds silly, but my logic was, "she used to be friends with Jojo, who is a good person, so she can't be that bad, can she?" But then she ran back to Jake and the other boys who bullied me last year, and literally within my earshot, she was like, I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it! And the boys were laughing and saying, "yeah, do it!" Then, the teacher interrupted and said, "maybe we shouldn't be taking a picture while we're walking to the church for a fire drill evacuation," and Charley was like, "oh yeah, sorry, let's do it later." We didn't find each other the rest of the day, but if she asks again, I'm going to say I'm not comfortable with taking a picture with her. She was clearly up to something, it was clearly a trick. She was probably going to edit it and post it on social media or use it as a joke. People from my old school don't respect me. Like, seriously, they have zero respect for me. They treat me like property, they treat me like an object.

After the fire drill evacuation, we watched a presentation in the auditorium. I sat next to Kalia (the other friend I met from the transition-to-high-school program) and Nalanda (Kalia's friend). I'm not very familiar with Hmong culture, but I noticed that both Kalia and Nalanda (who are Hmong) wanted to hold hands with me. It has no romantic connotation, especially since being I know that queer is unacceptable in Hmong culture. I don't mind, in fact, it's nice, but I really worry about how others might misinterpret it. They both seem pretty innocent to what might others think, though. In fact, Kalia innocently said, "I like holding hands. I do it with my cousins a lot." She tried to hold hands with Gracie (who we're both friends with, but again, not super close) but Gracie pulled away, and once Kalia and I were away from Gracie I had to explain to her that Gracie might not be comfortable because in other cultures it has other connotations and it's just not something that white people typically are accustomed to.

So that was the first day. It was so much, so much going on, so many people, and it was only a quarter of the students.

The next day...

Us freshmen were rushed into the old auditorium for a presentation on expectations at our high school. The principal and a behavior interventionalist touched base on how assault, alcohol/drug/chemical use, alcohol/drug/chemical distribution, fighting, theft, and weapons will be bottom-line behaviors and are suspendable and subject to review for expulsion. They also reviewed the student discipline regulation and anti-bullying policy. They said that our high school is an inclusive community, there will be no bullying or harassment, everyone belongs and is valued, and there is a bullying report google form whose submissions will be sent to all the counselors and all the behavior interventionalists. They also said a bunch of big words that basically boil down to "there will be consequences if you record people getting hurt at school and/or post it on social media." This makes me feel a lot safer. There was a severe assault between two 6th-grade girls last year, and instead of running to get help, the vast majority of people chose to pull out their phones and start recording. I've also watched Dhar Mann videos where students get bullied, sometimes physically, while the bully's friend records and posts on social media. I was worried about something like that happening to me at high school, especially since I'm a target for bullies from my old school.

In third hour, we signed up for Raider Time, which again, is essentially choice time at the end of the day with a lot of options. I signed up for some options that sounded appealing. We read and marked up an article about how to succeed in high school, and we wrote about our goals, relationships, and activities. We (freshmen) then had a 45-minute recess (this was a special event, we don't normally have recess). It was really hot, but I stuck with Gracie, so other than the heat, it was tolerable. Oh, but then, this girl shoved me and stepped on my foot, and when I asked her to please stop and give me my space, she said, "shut your b**** a** the f*** up you c***y h**" and I was like, :') I told a teacher, and the teacher said she would go stand by her and that I could go stand somewhere else. That was a lovely experience (sarcasm). The last thing that happened before the end of the school day was that we were herded back into the new auditorium and a famous guest speaker gave us an inspirational speech about perseverance. Toward the end of his speech, he asked the audience (us) if any of us knew what the South-African Ubuntu Philosophy was. I was the only one in the audience of 600 students who raised their hand. He asked me what my name was and if I could summarize what Ubuntu meant. I said that my name was Everett and that Ubuntu basically means shared humanity. He said, "come on up here, I have a prize for you." He gave me a book he wrote and one of his CDs! It completely made my day.

So yeah! That's what my high school experience was like. To anyone who chooses to read this thoroughly, I sincerely thank you for your care.

I wrote this on September 16th but forgot to publish it:

Some updates on my life (TW mentions of suicide)

I talked with my mom about top surgery. After reading about someone’s experience having top surgery, she said, “this is going to be really difficult for you. This sounds worse than a c-section. And you’re going to need a lot of care when you’re recovering. I’m not the nurse-type person, mama (my other mom) isn’t the nurse-type person, and we don’t have any relatives who are nurse-type people. It’s going to be really hard for us all.” Then she said, “you should prepare for bad news about this surgery because we don’t always get things we really really want.” Then she asked me, “what if you couldn’t have top surgery at all?” And I said, “I would commit suicide for sure.” And she said, “if I really really wanted a Porsche and I didn’t get one, the solution isn’t to commit suicide. I don’t want the fact that your life is worth living to be dependent on anything. I want your life to be worth living no matter what. There are people in war-torn countries who don’t have food and they’re not committing suicide.” I talked to my other mom about top surgery and the possibility of puberty blockers if I can’t have top surgery this year, and she said that she needs me to be evaluated by the gender clinic before we start talking about top surgery or puberty blockers. The wait time for the gender clinic is about a year, and we’ve only been on the wait list for 1-2 months. It could be 10 or more months before talking about top surgery and puberty blockers even become an option. 😣 However, this is an ongoing conversation, and I certainly won't give up. ❤️

My cat, named Puppy, was cuddling with me the other day.

I found a good grief song about losing someone you love, and I've been listening to it as a part of grieving multiple losses and to help me feel my feelings.

I found some FTM trans dysphoria art that resonated so much with me that it actually made me cry, which is a good thing because it prevents me from bottling up my emotions.

I don't use TikTok, but I googled something with the words "gender dysphoria" in it and some TikToks popped up so I watched them. It was a good reminder that I'm not alone in this and that other trans people share similar experiences.

My grandmother gave my mom some money so she could take me to a restaurant, which was kind of her. I chose to go to Culvers. I don't get restaurant food often, so it was exciting.

A coping skill I use that makes high school a lot more bearable and even enjoyable sometimes is to envision my high school as the high school in my imaginary fantasy world. That, along with wanting to pass classes and graduate high school, and having respect for my teachers, means I miraculously have the motivation to do my schoolwork and homework. I struggled quite a bit with motivation last year, but I'm doing significantly better this year. However, I did struggle yesterday toward the end of the day because my mental battery was very low.

In English class, we're reading a book about an autistic boy who is trying to solve the mystery of the murder of a dog. It's called, "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time." My English teacher shared some outdated/inaccurate information about autism (calling it Asperger's Syndrome, describing it as a spectrum from one extreme to the other instead of a circle where everyone has different support needs in different areas, saying that it's more prevalent in boys than girls, using the term "high functioning" instead of "low support needs," etc.) and I politely asked if I could share what I knew and said that I wasn't trying to correct her or be rude I just wanted everyone to have accurate and up-to-date information. She said she would love to hear my input. I ended up sharing a good amount about autism (not too much, I wasn't rambling, mostly just addressing the misinformation and answering questions). My classmates were very impressed with my knowledge, and my teacher told me at the end of class that she appreciated my participation. It was overall a pretty great experience, being able to share my knowledge to help educate others on an important subject.

My friend, Rosalie, has just been such an incredible friend throughout all of this. She shows me so much love, care, kindness, and support, it's wonderful. She's such a fantastic friend, I truly couldn't ask for a better friend. She's like an angel, she's always there for me and ready to listen and offer support, and for that, I am deeply grateful. And it's not all about support, either. Our lighthearted conversations are often one of the highlights of my days. I will never be able to show her how much she means to me, but I'll never stop trying.

My ex-girlfriend, Iris, came up to me in GSA and said, "I'm sorry for everything I've done. In class, we're reading the same book as you with the protagonist with autism, and something I've discovered a while ago is that I'm neurodivergent, too. At first, I didn't understand why you did some of the things you did, but I understand better now and I forgive you. I went to a fall encampment last night, and you came up in conversation. I said, 'Yeah, I used to be friends with Everett. They're a really cool and nice person.' Just because we're not friends anymore doesn't mean I'm going to talk badly about you, and I'm grateful that you're not the type of person who would talk badly about me and make me seem like a bad person. So yeah, I just wanted to apologize and address those things." I was beyond stunned. We barely talked all of last year, and I just really wasn't expecting that at all. When I was researching how to grieve the loss of a relationship, something that came up was to let go of the idea of closure because oftentimes there is no closure and that's something that needs to be accepted. But the deities or the dragons or God or whatever beings up there decided to be really kind to me and give me that final closure with Iris.

I'm finishing my assignments before most/all of the class, which is a good thing.

It seems like I'm way more prepared for adulthood than some of these upperclassmen. Some of them don't participate or show effort in class, they don't assert their needs, and they don't show attention or respect for the speaker. It makes me feel better about myself and less nervous about becoming an adult. And this isn't to criticize or shame anyone, this is just something that I've observed.

I'm completely exhausted from school and this skills therapy program for autistic youth. I don't like the program, I'm already exhausted after school and I have homework. The program is from 3 pm to 6 pm on Mondays and Wednesdays. It feels more like childcare for autistic youth than a skills therapy group for autistic youth. We spend a lot of the time playing games like Mafia, Uno, and night at the museum, which I really dislike. I'd rather be doing something productive or engaging in self-care at home. My mom said that if I did the program for one more week, she would get me my favorite dish from Panda Express before she picked me up, so I'm going to stay in the program for one more week, and then I'll ask about discontinuing and finding something that's a better fit. But anyways, back to my exhaustion. I'm so burnt out that I haven't even been able to clean my room in eight days, nor have I had the energy to go to dog agility classes on Tuesdays. It's too much. School is full of so many people and so much noise and stimulation and activity. It's so incredibly draining. Last night, I got so exhausted that I felt like I might collapse. School is just a lot to deal with. Five classes per day, plus lunch and raider time (choice time at the end of the day). It's a lot of stuff constantly being thrown at my head.

As always, thank you for reading, and have a lovely day! ❤️