The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

I can really feel the emotions in this song, since some of the flashbacks I've been having lately had to do with one of my previous...romantic endeavors. 😀 But honestly, it's so inspiring as well, because it shows how you can keep going to make things work, and on the other hand, we should accept that some relationships are just not meant to be. Sometimes it's just not worth the chase, since you'll end up feeling hollow and may even start closing off your heart, which actually started happening to me for a time. Over time, I came to accept that the relationship really wasn't meant to be, even though I still have flashbacks every once in a while about it. However, I gotta keep going and stay strong! And this song surely proves that! 🤗 ❤️

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It's time for the usual entry 😀

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tw. mention of chronic illness, cancer, d**th, emotional neglect

I don't even know what to say.. I just feel so broken, lost, and confused - just like I was a few months ago.. 🥲

Everything was going so good this morning- I was able to do a lot of schoolwork, helped with the construction of an outdoor dining set, and tried on a few dresses for the upcoming bridal shower (my brother is getting married in the beginning of June). I actually felt like nothing could stop me, and my confidence was through the roof.

Then, everything started going downhill in the afternoon. I was severely triggered by something that was mentioned in TCR (I won't be specific, but I did tell a close friend about it, so I was able to get it off my chest), which started a whole flashbacky episode and jump-started my depression. It came so unexpectedly that I wasn't able to process anything. I felt so vulnerable, and everything started to affect me. I was literally reminded of how empty and alone I am, and how dysfunctional my life is. That is definitely something I didn't want to hear after feeling happy for the first time in months..

I'm just so afraid.. I'm so scared to go to my brother's wedding because I just have this sinking feeling that something bad is going to happen.. It's not the first time that I was almost forced into a negative situation at events like these, so when I have a bad feeling, I'm usually right. Then, my mom's chronic illness is worsening, and I'm so scared that it will evolve into cancer. I really shouldn't had continued watching that show, because it triggered me more than I already was.. I just don't want to lose her.. And finally, I was just reminded that I was emotionally neglected all my life, and it made me into such an insecure hooman bean..

I'm still trying to hold onto hope that everything will be okay...that I'm just overthinking things as per usual.. I'm doing the best I can, even when my mind wants to play tricks on me and bring me down like it has in the past. But I won't let it do that this time- I will overcome this, but I just need to take small steps. Maybe I need to step back and take a break from cups for a little bit. This isn't a final decision, but if I do decide to take a break, it will probably be for a week. I've just been through so much stress this past week, and I need to clear my head.. I'll think more about what I'm going to do, but I thought I would mention it.

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I'll end the entry here. Thank you all for your support, and I love ya all ❤️

I just love when the right songs come on at the right time. ❤️ While I was writing my previous entry, this song came on, and even though it brought some nostalgia, I felt like I needed to hear it. It's such a beautiful song about staying strong during the hard times, and standing tall when others try to bring you down. 🤗 ❤️

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It’s entry timeeeeee 😛

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Today was such a long day.. It started off pretty good, since I was able to do my work outside thanks to the really great morning weather. 🤗 I was able to get a majority of my schoolwork done, which was reallyyyy great! 😌✨

But thankfully I was able to, because then my stomach decided not to like me again, and I was in pain up to now. :’) Don’t worry, I’m fine, but I’ll probably need to get checked out to see if I have some kind of digestive issue. This has been happening for the past few weeks now, and it’s getting a bit worse, but I have a feeling that it’ll be okay.

I mean, it’s not as bad as my neuro condition, which I still haven’t been given a diagnosis for.. I’m more worried about that, because it gets worse when I get overly anxious or stressed, which happens frequently throughout the day. :’)

However, I don’t think today was such a bad day, to be completely honest. I did the best I could to be productive, and there is this project that I’m working on that I’m super excited about. I won’t go into too much detail on what it’s about, but it has to do with mathematical theory, which is my all-time favorite research topic. 😌 ❤️ Okay, I know that sounds boring for a lot of you, buuuuuut, I’m such a geek so deal with it 😎

Honestly, I’m pretty tired, so I won’t add much more to this entry. The one thing I did want to mention was that for the rest of the week, I won’t really be on cups very much. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, the group chats have been making feel pretty uncomfortable, so I’m going to try and focus on my offline life for a bit. 🤗 ❤️ I love ya all too much, so I won’t put the account on self-care, but I’ll just check-in on everything a few times per day. This break may last longer depending on the circumstances irl, as well as how I’m feeling about how things are going on here, so if I put my account on break suddenly, please don’t be surprised. However, I’ll likely make a post on here about the break before I go off the grid ❤️

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Anywaysssss, I’ll end the entry here ❤️ Have a wonderful day/night, and see ya all soon 🤗 ❤️

Hey hey, everyone! 🤗

I have made a decision to go on a *partial* self-care break, which means that I won’t be on too often, but I will check and reply to any pm’s / forum tags a few times per day. Unfortunately, that means that I won’t be actively participating in group chats like before.

This will last for a week at minimum. However, if it goes longer than a week, I will put my account on break. I will let all of you know here whether or not that will happen, but I hope it won’t have to get to that point.

I know this may come to a surprise for a lot of you, since I have been such an active contributor here at 7 Cups, but I came to realize that there are some circumstances in my offline world that I need to focus on.

I appreciate your understanding, and I love you all beyond words! ❤️❤️ I’ll miss you all so much, but I have a feeling I’ll be back very soon. Until then, I wish you all the very best, and see you around! 🤗 ❤️

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🌸 Tagging my friendsies who would want to know: @Angelx28 @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @emotionalTalker2260 @Everlee @coldbreeze00 @mytwistedsoul @fearfearfear @BookishBlue13 @AGuardianAngel @Wheeki16 @CallMeScott @JennyINFP @SystemFireSkye @CupoSad076 @DonaldDraper @FreddieOnyx @jv13076 @BlueDarkAurora @TryingTBH2021 @taylorhugs12 @elli025 @SimplyTonio @ruggedheart0 @kieran000 🌸

@SelflessSpruce1515

Aww Sprucey, do what you can and should for yourself okieee, and always take your time, we here for you. ❤

*wraps you in a comfy blanket filled with love, hugs and cherry blossoms* ❤

*shares blueberry cheesecake and caramel ice cream* ❤

@selflessSpruce1515

Tc care of yourself spruce look forward to your return!

Here we are with another entry 😊

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Today really wasn’t as bad as yesterday, to be honest. I really did try not to be online as much today, but that didn’t really work as planned. But it’s okay though- I did the best I could, and I’m at peace for the moment with everything. 😌

There were times throughout the day when I felt like I wanted to cry, but just no tears came out. It was as if my thoughts were overwhelming, but something was holding me back from expressing my emotions properly. It was pretty stressful actually, and I felt like I was lying to myself and others about how I am actually feeling. So, in this entry, I’m going to do the best I can to share how I’m feeling. ❤️

It was the usual roller coaster of emotions today, but I was still feeling that hollow cavity in my heart. I thought that was being filled by my close friends here at 7 Cups, but just doesn’t feel like enough- and I have a feeling it has to do with self-acceptance. I never truly had confidence in myself and in my abilities, and that is such a major contributor to my negative thoughts.

Especially as the bridal shower comes closer (my brother is getting married in the beginning of June, so the bridal shower is in a few weeks), there is this fear that I won’t be able to cope with the changes. It doesn’t only have to do with the marriage itself, but it also determines the future of my family. It has been dysfunctional overall due to the ongoing arguments, financial dependencies, and more. But I feel like by growing up in this kind of environment, I was never able to develop a positive self-esteem or even do actions of self-love at all. :’)

During these past few challenging weeks, I have learned that I need to make time for myself and to do one act of self-love per day. This is my second day of this regimen, and I am starting to feel the effects a bit more, even though it isn’t much right now. But I’m not giving up, because I know that this is worth the effort. 💪 ❤️

Even though I felt pretty numb for most of the day, I tried my best to express my emotions any way I can, whether it was in changing pfp’s (that’s why J change it so often, if you were curious 😀), writing poetry (which I should start doing again :/), and writing entries such as these. I don’t usually have the opportunity to do so in real life, so knowing that I have a place where I can be myself for once and actually *feel* my emotions- it’s such a blessing, in all honestly. ❤️

And I have all of my wonderful friendsies to thank for making me feel so welcome whenever I drop into pm’s and wander into group chats. Y’all have no idea how much that means to me. I can’t thank you all enough for being there during my good and bad days. 🤗 ❤️

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This was a much longer entry than usual, so I’ll end it here. I love ya all sooooooo much, and I wish you all the very best with everything. *super tight hugsssssss* ❤️❤️ Goodnight, everyone! 😌 ❤️

Warmth of the Flame

The fire burns bright,

The dancing flame of my soul,

Fragile, precious.

*hugs dear sprucie* 🤗

Lil reminder- you are loved, by many people.

Also, I'm honoured that I'm your friend, that day you stuck into my corners, I won't forget that. I'm glad that you were one of the first people you met when you were an adorable little newbie 😛