The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

This song reallyyyyyy touched my heart 🥺 ❤️❤️❤️ Gotta keep rising - don’t let people bring you down, no matter what 🤗 ❤️

The Voice of the Phoenix

In the chamber,

Filled with darkness and despair,

We dwindle into our shadow,

Haunted in our dreams.

Our voices — vanished,

Our hearts — shattered,

Where will we go from here?

No one knows…

But within the darkness,

There is this voice,

A small, fragile voice,

Trying to reach us.

We’ve built walls,

Barriers to the outside,

Scared to get hurt again,

Fearful of the unknown.

But there is a crack,

A seemingly-insignificant fault,

In the barrier of silence.

The voice finds it’s way,

Into the barrier,

And fills our ears,

With sounds long forgotten.

Happiness and laughter,

Pleasure and harmony,

Recovers the voices,

Repairs the hearts,

Of the Lost ones.

With regained strength,

We ruptured the barrier.

Although made of steel,

The power of the voice,

Gave us more resilience,

More power than ever known.

We rose from the ashes,

Like a Phoenix,

With glorified feathers,

And a replenished heart.

Welp, maybe there is someone who I used to be in love with that I miss deeply... 🥲 *hugs self* 🥺 This song reminds me of them... :')

But it's also a really beautiful song, even though it's a bit sad ❤️❤️❤️ It's a song of rediscovery, love, understanding, and acceptance, so that's what makes it so meaningful, I have to say 🤗 ❤️❤️❤️

Happy May 4th, also known as Star Wars Dayyyyyyy! ❤️❤️❤️

^ Okay, I know it’s not even close to Christmas, but how cute is thisssssss 😭❤️

And I have one question: Why in the world isn’t there a lightsaber emoji? 😮

May the 4th be with you, everyone, and stay sprucyyyyy! 😛😛

tw: light details of flashbacks/nightmares, severe self-hate, dysphoric feelings, harsh family stress, emotional neglect

It's a bit early for an entry right now, but I just feel like I have a lot to get off my chest.. :')

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Today was a mostly not-so-good day, and for a lot of reasons. 🥲 I woke up with a headache that felt like my whole skull was getting squeezed (it isn't the first time that happened, by the way, but it affected me more than usual), and I was crying. I had this really bad nightmare, but I won't go into too much detail, but the root of the nightmares were loneliness, fear, and anticipation.. they weren't super bad, but it definitely caused my day to start on a bad footing.

It's the first time in a while that I didn't eat too much, and I was feeling like absolute trash for most of the day...I just wish today didn't happen - I was crashing so much, and really wished my body could just poof. I hated myself soooooo much, and I wish I could just hide in a comfy pillow fort...I don't want to feel anything, experience anything...just be in the comfort of the darkness of my room..

I mean, it wasn't as bad as my usual depressive episodes are, but I just wish I never had to experience these feelings...these memories...this life. It's so hard to keep going when nothing irl is providing me a purpose.. But even though my brain thinks that it's easier to just give up, I keep trying...I'm surprised I can even be positive during times like these, but I guess it's just ingrained in me. I actually hate that part of me right now, since it just reminds me of how miserable I am...but it's also the better part of me that I love. It's complicated, and I don't even know what to think about any of this..

I guess I should talk about the main root of why my depressive stage started: my parents' persistent arguing and manipulation.. My parents essentially don't want to talk to my brothers because they are rebellious and seem not to care about anyone except themselves. But then, my parents just think they could lash out about them in front of me, and eventually get me involved, thinking that I'll just turn into them and that there's no use of trying to be around me...that's really why I'm just losing hope.. I feel like I'm turning into them based on how my parents treat me, and I just don't know what to do.. I guess I should just ignore them...there's really no point in talking about my feelings with them, because apparently my feelings don't matter. I've experienced this kind of emotional neglect since I was 5, so this isn't anything new...but with these strong feelings that come with being a teenager.. I'm just sick of it. They never truly cared about my achievements...how hard I had to work to keep up with everything and everyone, and it's frustrating...how I barely had a social life, and had to live with the fact that I was an outsider and an easy target of bullying and slander. It's really sick, and it's hard for me to even be around my parents after how they treated and neglected me.. Will I ever really forgive them? Probably not, but I'll have to deal with them no matter what so...yeah 🥲

And now, on top of that, my mom's condition is deteriorating due to an overwhelming amount of stress. I won't be specific on the condition, but it's pretty bad...there's nothing I can do, and- I'm just so lost...I love my mom beyond words, and she's been the victim of way too much abuse...I want to be there for her, but I've been so distant lately and I feel like I'm betraying her...do I even deserve to be her child (I wonder that sometimes 🥲)? I'm just so tired of everything...all the time. I'm barely happy, and my environment is impacting me soooooo much 😭 What am I going to do? How can I deal with this for 2 more months...

But, I have to stay strong...not just for everyone else, but for me ❤️ I can overcome this, no matter what happens...even if I have to take risks just to save myself and my family...I will do it, no question, even if it's a sacrifice ❤️ I want to be courageous and use my wisdom for the good of society and for the good of myself, because I know I can get out of this phase. I have the resources, support system, and the will-power. I just have to believe in myself...that's the problem. *yeets my self-hate* I can do this...you can do this, Spruce 😌✨✨

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It was great to end this entry on a good note - it's important to give myself confidence, especially after venting all of that. ❤️ As always, have a good day/night, everyone, and I'll see you all tomorrow! 👋 ❤️

You know that song that feels like it's on your wavelength? This is definitely that kind of song 🤗 ❤️

It brings back memories about the past, but not like any other song I've encountered - while looking at certain negative events in the past, the song reminds me that I shouldn't let these events affect my future. Gotta keep dreaming and live for the moment! ✌️😌 ❤️

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Time for another early entryyyyyy ✌️😛

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I don't really have much to talk about today, but I think it was a pretty good day overall! Even though I was pretty numb for the whole morning (really due to some pretty bad things happening last night :/), my feelings started coming back after an amazing lunch 😌 (a toasted bagel with a baked salmon spread-- delishhhh 🥰 And of course, I couldn't have it without my left-over mint tea 😛😛😛) They were not-so-bad feelings, but I did have some pretty vivid flashbacks. :') But the flashbacks were very brief, so I was able to recover and think more positively after a nice meditation session. 😌

Also, I finallyyyy submitted an assignment for my online school (which won't even count, but that's a whole other story 🥲), and I actually felt really good after that---like I actually *accomplished* something 😀 I'm trying to finish up one more assignment before the weekend so I will have time to just chill ❤️ (if I could...I'm praying that I won't have to witness any more arguments or manipulative attempts this weekend 🙏)

Welp, I'm kind of feeling a bit strange right now :') (probably because of a possible gender change, likely to non-binary) 🥲 But it's okayyyy, I'll be fine 😌 I will always be fine in the end, because I won't let anything bother me---not right now 😀

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That's really it actually :/ I'm not really sure what else to talk about, so I'll end it here 😀 Take care, everyone, and talk to you all tomorrowwww ❤️❤️❤️

✨ A lovely reminder for myself and my dear friendsies 🤗 ❤️ ✨

❤️ Tagging my cherished friendsies: @Angelx28 @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @emotionalTalker2260 @Everlee @coldbreeze00 @mytwistedsoul @fearfearfear @BookishBlue13 @AGuardianAngel @Wheeki16 @CallMeScott @JennyINFP @SystemFireSkye @CupoSad076 @DonaldDraper @FreddieOnyx @jv13076 @BlueDarkAurora @TryingTBH2021 @taylorhugs12 @elli025 ❤️

❤ @selflessSpruce1515 ❤

tw: mention of the word bl**d, a more specific description of my neuro condition, panic attacks

:') I feel so weird.. 😀 I literally cannot stop shaking and I'm colder than usual :/ I mean, 10 minutes ago, I came back from getting a bl**d test, and I-I almost fainted 🥲 Heh, I think I feel a panic attack coming, but I know how to cope with it so I should be fine...but I just feel so mentally unstable, I'm not even sure how long the panic attack will last :') I think that infuriated my neuro condition, because at this point, I can't even move properly and I'm twitching awfully :/ I'm kind of scared right now...will something so small as a bl**d test cause a depressive episode, since I'm feeling like such a mess? 🥺 Ugh, I don't know, but I don't like this... :/

I guess I just need a hug and to know that everything will be okay... :')