The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

The Mind War

When will this war end,

When peace will settle,

Among the space of mind?

Destruction has persisted,

Battles lost and won,

But is it all worth it,

Just to hold off the enemy?

The future will be the future,

And the past will be the past.

But why worry so much about them,

When you can control the present?

A catastrophe of thoughts,

Plague the land with darkness.

But why can't the light break through,

And victor over the enemy?

But in all this darkness,

Is a story of challenge and might.

Every battle,

Is time well spent.

As time moves past,

We get one step closer to peace,

In the land of the mind.

Just let the war take it's course,

And don't give in to the darkness.

Because, my dear,

It's all worth it in the end.

I realized I forgot to write an entry yesterday, buttttt - here's one for todayyy 😀

----

Today was just such an emotional roller coaster. 😀 When I woke up, I just felt like a mess, to be honest. The weather was so dreary, so I knew it wasn't going to be such a productive one. But I tried, and then first thing in the morning, my parents started arguing *again*. 😀 So that was a fun experience, and I won't really talk too much about it because I'm still trying to process it... 🥲 Then, I talked to an amazing listener (you know who you are 😀), and I felt 100 times better ❤️ I'm so thankful that she was there at the right moment, when I was at my lowest. I just needed someone to listen, and she provided so much encouragement and love. ❤️

The rest of the day wasn't *as* bad, but it wasn't the best either. I won't talk too much about it at this point, because I don't feel totally comfy about it 😀 It just really had to do with my dad being so manipulative and selfish as per usual 🥲 I won't go beyond that though 😀

Overall, I was trying to have a good day, and that's what counts. I've actually be starting to love myself a little more this past week - the self-hate isn't as bad, and I'm trying to take care of myself more than usual. It comes to show that I'm coping with my situation, and I'm proud of myself for that ❤️❤️

----

I'll leave this entry here for now, since I'm pretty tired (which is suchhhhh a good thing for me - that means my insomnia episode may come to an end soon 😌). Take care, everyone! See ya all tomorowwww ❤️

^ Wise words 😌 ❤️

Please skip this post and don't reply to it...the text is white for a reason

Why the hell does this keep happening? When the *** will this end? I just can't believe my parents — they won't leave me the *** alone...they think I'm bring selfish and rude, but they don't understand...they'll never *** understand me...who the hell do they think I am? A *** poster child who's supposed to be perfect in every way. I'm *** done with this...I just can't... *~*

I don't have a say in any decisions ever...and they just keep on arguing, while it feels like I'm drowning...this is *** insane, and I don't know what to do...I just want to run away...run away from my problems, from my own skin...I hate myself beyond words, and I just feel like a *** burden all the time...I want to be alone in the cave of my room...I don't deserve kindness or love...if you anyone else knew what I've done, they'd me disgusted with me...I can't take it...I'm drowning, and I can't break free...every time I try to be happy, life just proves me wrong...I thought I was okay, but I'm not...why the *** can't anyone understand that irl...they think I'm always positive, always trusting...I can't trust them ever again...this is outrageous, and it's making me not want to trust anyone...not even my own friends ;-; I just started trusting again...why the *** do they have to ruin that chance for me...I want to live, and not be isolated from the endless opportunities I have in life...and if I can't, I'll have to be a depressed criminal for the rest of my life...I'm so close to shutting everything out and just neglecting myself at this point...I-I don't know anymore...I'm confused and scared, but no one ever recognizes that...I just don't know... T-T

Hey hey, everyone! 💕

I wanted to let you all know that I'm going to try to not be on 7 Cups too often anymore. :')

This may come as a surprise for a lot of you, since you basically see me on all the time. And that's the problem...I think I got kind of hooked to the site that I don't want to leave. In other terms, you can call that an addiction. For all my life, it was hard to avoid using electronic devices, because of course we live in the digital age. But I feel like this is more than just "enjoying" being on here – it makes my irl feel even bleaker than it really is, and I know that once I step away from the site, I'll fall back into my dark depression and bad habits.

To be honest, I think it's important to reduce the amount of distractions I put in place in order to neglect my emotions and my mental health. I've always been the one to advice others to do the same, but that makes me a hypocrite in a way. During my last self-care break, that is exactly what I was trying to do – I thought that stepping away from the site for a few days would make me feel less hooked. But actually, that made me feel more attracted to it.

That's why I came up with the decision to disconnect from my devices as much as I possibly can, including from 7 Cups. I will still be here, of course, but only for a few hours per day. I had to consider a lot when I thought of this—the friends I made here, the impact I have made, and my well-being as a while. I think it is for the best (and I'm sure you're all sick of having me here so much, so you'll get a break from me 😀).

I appreciate all of your support and love over these past few months, and many of my close friends here have seen me during my good and bad days. I've never had friends like them before, so I can't even express to the fullest extent how much I love each and every one of them. ❤️

And I'm letting you all know that this will be a slow progression – learning to disconnect takes hard work and time, and I will take as much time as I need to make it work. I will appreciate all of your patience and understanding meanwhile. 😊

Thank you all again, and take care! 🤗 ❤️ Love ya all ❤️

~ Spruca 🌲

*Grabs donut and sits silently in the corner*

@selflessSpruce1515

Hhya spruce thx for tagging me! I appreciate it! I hope you doing well today 💗 💓 💕 hang tough stay pawsome ur friend 🔥

❤ @selflessSpruce1515 ❤

❤ Aww Spruceyyy, thankyou for knowing I'd care, I appreciate this tag so very much.

Getting hooked to this place is so real haha, good thing is that you're not alone, and we all are more or less in the same boat. Being here is nice (ofcourse) but when it starts affecting our wellbeing even more in a negative way, that's when an intervention needs to be made ~ to begin with the mere acknowledgement and accepting that yes indeed things have started going haywire and something needs to change here. Soooo again, Sunny Sun is super proud of Spruceyy (as always) for being self aware, accepting, being mindful and willing to work on themselves and always looking at sunny side up of things. (No pun intended :P)

Sprucey is brilliant, Spruceyy knows how loved, cared for, appreciated they are and ofcourse yes, their friends will be super understanding, patient and right by Sprucey's side throughout.

I'm glad you know that you're allowed to take all the time you need, hitting that balance is indeed hard and not a one day job, but we can walk through at our pace and try our best, and that sure counts too. Keep doing what you can okiee, know that we're here, we care for you and always rooting for you.

Always a tag away for you, lovely.

Lots and lots of *comfy hugsss* and endless bowls of caramel ice cream. ❤

Time for another entry, as per usual! 😛

----

Today was actually a really great day so far! I was able to focus on my schoolwork, which is really surprising, and I did very well on my exams, which is great too! (Even though they won't count, it's still an accomplishment 🥲 ❤️) I tried my best to be on cups as little as possible, and I think I was *relatively* successful. It was hard, and I ended up still being on for more than half the day, but it's much better than being on for 14+ hours per day. ❤️❤️

But I'm kind of dreading tomorrow, since I have a robotics team meeting and I'm not even prepared. 🥺 I've just been so tired and not myself lately, so I barely did any work on my project. That doesn't mean I'm going to try and get it done before my meeting - it's pretty important, and I can't worry about what happened...only about what I can control. ❤️ I can do this - I just have to send a few emails and update my code, and it'll all be okay. I'm almost done with it, and hopefully I'll be able to share a finished program by the end of next month. Gotta have those goals, right? 🤗 ❤️

I also really really reallyyyy need to get my schoolwork done by the end of next month too. I want to make sure I won't have to worry about it during the time of my summer internship, which will make things a bit more chaotic. And unfortunately, I won't really be able to give myself a break and be on here as much. But I really will try - 7 Cups is really important to me, and I won't lose you all so easily, that's for sure. ❤️

And...well, that's all I'm going to put here. I have more to say, but I'll put it in a separate post because it's a bit of a sensitive topic. Besides that, that's all I wanted to say 😛

Have a goodnight everyone! Love ya all ❤️❤️❤️

tw. heavy descriptions about dysphoria

Please don't reply if you don't have anything respectful to say about it. I would really appreciate it 😀

The Feelings of a Genderfluid Hooman Bean

:/ I've never really done this before, but as some of you know, I'm a genderfluid hooman bean with homophobic parents...gotta love that 😀 They don't know about any of it...especially not the dysphoria...they should never know about it, since I hear what they say about people like me 🥲

Well, anyways...enough about that. I just wanted to portray the day in the life of a genflu (I love that nickname 😌) hooman bean like myself...trust me, it's awful 😀

I'll do it based on how I perceive my gender. I know it's strange that my gender can change so frequently, but trust me...it's a mess. And there are people who thought I was lying, and I absolutely despise those people. They don't understand what it's like to not feel comfy in your own skin, and that changes either every hour, day, or month 🥲 There's no pattern...it comes out of nowhere...I honestly hate it 😖

But to make it easy to talk about and imagine, I'll use the image of a mirror 😀 So let's get started... :')

In front of the mirror when I feel...

Feminine (which I feel around 1/3 of the time, and I am physically feminine) - I get overly obsessed with my appearance in front of the mirror, constantly fixing my hair and putting on makeup. This is actually when I feel comfortable about my body. I love myself, but I'm overly critical of my appearance too. You'll probably find me trying out like a gazillion outfits, trying to find the right one. I'll love outfits that are brightly colored, especially a dark pink or a light blue. Denim jeans are definitely a go-to as well when I feel this way. 😊

Enby/Nonbinary (which I feel a majority of the time 🥲) - I also look at myself in the mirror, but not because I love my looks...I absolutely hate my body, not just dislike it...*hate* it. I also wish I can just chop off all my hair and dye it dark purple 😀 And with the clothes, I'm super particular about what I wear. A hoodie is an absolute must, and super baggy sweatpants. I want to hide as much of my body as I can, because it feels so weird being someone that I'm not...I hide this part of me from absolutely everyone. So fun 😀

Masculine (super rare, but it hasn't not happened 😀) - I don't even look at the mirror at this point 😀 I just wish my body would just poof, every single thing about it 🥲 It feels even weirder than being non-binary...it's a whole different perception of myself that I just...don't fit in in any way. But it happens...and I'll wear my brother's clothes at this point...maybe a dark sweatshirt with converse...also, I just pull my hair up in a bun and feel like an imposter in my own skin 😀 (I usually don't perceive myself as male as much, and it's only happened 2-3 times, so I'm not totally sure about this one :/)

----

I'm not only sharing this for myself though...I'm speaking for genflus who don't have a voice :') Those who have been called cruel and awful names just because they're different. We're humans too, but just perceive ourselves differently than others. When we change our gender, we may change almost everything about us...the names we want to be called, how we dress, and even the tone of our voice (I usually change it from my higher feminine voice to a lower more neutral voice when I become non-binary or masculine). I just want the stigma to poof...it's the new normal, people. I've been queer for a very long time, and only recently realized who I really am. There's nothing wrong with being different - being different means unique and spectacular. Feel free to express yourself as you want, because you deserve it!! You deserve to be who you want to be, and it's okay ❤️❤️❤️❤️