The Grove of a Spruce Tree 🌲

I woke up around 45 minutes ago from an awful nightmare, and I had tears stained on my face. I’m not even sure what the nightmare was about, but I’m thinking it’s just another one of those phases that I have every one in a while due to trauma. But I have a feeling it’ll pass…they always do ❤️

Weeeeee, I just found out that my dad bought a cheesecake and I'm so excitedddddd 🥳

I was just about to skip a day of journaling, but maybe I'll keep up my streak 😛

----

Today was really overwhelming and filled to the brim with mood swings. It's really due to an argument that I had with my parents about me being a lier, and how if I keep going behind my back, I'll become a criminal. And they aren't entirely honest to me either, so we all lost trust in each other. 🥺 I have to spend time at home with them until June, which is when I'll be doing a summer internship full-time, and I'll only have to see them a few hours a day.

My house literally reminds me of the trauma I had to endure as a kid, and...I just can't deal with it anymore. School was literally my safe haven, but when I had to transfer to an online school during the pandemic, I had to endure name calling, emotional trauma, and worse. 🥲 I just can't take it anymore, and there's no where else to turn to except 7 Cups. 7 Cups is like my second safe haven, and I can't thank any of you enough for being here by my side.

I know I may not be the kindest person in the world, but I try my best...it's really hard to stay positive even on here, and there are so many reminders of my prior trauma, but it actually helps me deal with it and feel at peace.

There are certain individuals here (you know who you are ❤️), who have given me unconditional support and love during this time, and I love you all sooooo much! 😊

I still have a lot to process, so I'll be very social or anti-social at awkward points even within a conversation, so I would appreciate all the patience you can give me. ❤️ There are several things that can bring back scary memories, such as my spirituality and descriptions of other people's flashbacks, but I try to take them with a grain of salt. Again, I appreciate all of you, and I don't care how you are irl - I only care about how you treat me and others on this site. It's like a 2nd chance to prove yourself and be a better person, which this has given me the chance to become (hopefully 🙏)

----

Since this was pretty long, I'll leave it off here for now! Love you all, and have a great weekend! ❤️

Revival

Time is of the essence,

Every movement—scrutinized,

Every word—criticized,

One wrong step and I fall,

Into the depths of despair,

Into the hole of fear and guilt.

That is where I have fallen,

I have made the wrong move,

I have betrayed those I've loved,

I have lost sight of those I can trust.

But just as I was at the breaking point,

A gleam of light came from the sky.

Little did I know,

That this was the beacon of hope,

I have searched for all my life.

A guardian with brilliant wings,

Descended into my hole of shame,

And lent me her wings.

The darkness was sucked out of me in an instant.

Time kept moving forwards,

But I stood still,

As pureness manifested in my soul.

I was lifted off the ground,

With these new pair of wings.

I transcended space and time,

As I soared out of the depths and into the light.

My guardian angel looked out and whisper,

"You are free and your wings restored.

Rise up and never stop rising.

Life is worth living,

And you are reborn,

Into a miracle."

It's time for a real entry now 😀 And this one needs some trigger warnings...

TW: family friction, chronic illness, medication, mentioning of a family member that may pass away

----

So...today was a pretty bad day. It really started when my brother, who lives with his fiancée (and my parents don't really approve of it), came home to pick up something that he needed. This triggered my mom and dad to get upset, and they essentially went off about the whole family, and when it got to me...they said I would end up just like him, and they wished really bad things upon me...that scares me so much 🥺 It happened so much in the past, and it has been around 5 years since that last happened, so it caught me off guard.

The one other thing that scares me has to do with my mom's chronic illness. She just had another bad episode of the illness, and it was right after a previous one finished so she barely had any time to recover. There is this medicine that she takes whenever the episodes occur, but if it doesn't work...she will have to get on a stronger medicine, that will mess up her immune system. Afterwards, she will have to be bedridden for the rest of her life, and she would have less 10 more years to live. 😭 That terrifies me even more, and my mom and I are so close...if my mom passes away and I have to stay with my dad...it won't end well :')

Welp, so that's really how my day played out. Full of friction, anxiety, and grief. But I'm trying to stay positive through it all. ❤️

----

I'll leave it here, since I'm crying just thinking about this and I should go to bed...take care, everyone 👋 ❤️

tw: medication, talk about someone who may pass away, anxiety, flashbacks, hospital, mentions of harassment

I don't even know what to say right now...all of the words just escaped me. I was afraid this would happen, and I don't think I can recover for this...at least, not for a long time. 🥺 The medicine didn't work...she's getting worse...I-I don't know what I can do at this point. 😭 She's in pain, and there is nothing I can do about it...she's wearing a brave face, and I try to hide my emotions from her...it's so h-hard, I can't...I just feel like everything is slipping away, and I'm lost...I keep telling myself that it isn't my fault...but I can barely look at my mom anymore without feeling guilty...I stressed her out, and she doesn't deserve it...if only I wasn't a liar and a "criminal," as my parents put it...as the days go by, I keep wondering whether they're actually right 😖...that I'm taking advantage of them...I hate being a teenager so much, but I feel like I'm doing everything wrong...now, she's going to have to take the stronger medication...I can't bear it...I'm crashing...I'm scared... 😭

No, Spruce...don't shut down...anything but that 🥺...you're worthy...it's hard, but mom will make it...she has to...she's so strong and brave, and trying her best...don't blame yourself...whatever thoughts I have don't make sense...it won't be like last time...she won't go to the hospital...you won't have to wait for hours on end in that seat outside her room...she will be okay...you have stolen and lied, but you're not a bad person...you may be an outsider, but you're not alone...you have been bullied and harassed, but don't let the memories stop you...and you have friends here...don't give up on life just yet...take some deep breaths...it will be okay... ❤️

Guess who was about to forget to write an entry but just remembered 👀

———

Today was the best that I’ve had in months. Yes, you heard me, monthssss! 😮 I woke up with an extremely clear head and no tear stains (I have been waking up crying for the past few months, so this is really surprising). ❤️ It was such a beautiful day, and I was sooooo productive! It was like a miracle…I never expected I would bounce back from that so quickly, or even at all. It’s wonderfullll 😊 I was so bubbly for the majority of the day, and I had some hyper episodes (as some of you may have discovered in the group chats and forums 😀). I was that way the entire day, and it was awesome! I only had one time when I had an awful stomach ache, but that didn’t affect me as much as I thought it would. 😮 Very surprising, but this is the kind of day I’ve been hoping for such a long time—one without depressive episodes, flashbacks, and panic attacks. I have a feeling tomorrow will be the same kind if day because it’s also supposed to be really great weather just like it was today! I’m so weather sensitive, so having five straight days of great weather will definitely keep me in a good mood for a while! 🥳

———

Alrighty, I think I was awake long enough. Now it’s time for a well-deserved sleep (at least in my opinion - I’m so glad that my self-hate had poofed as welllll). 😌 Goodnight, everyoneeeee! ❤️

You don't have to read this. This is just really a rant to myself, and you don't need to reply.

Well, I don't even know what say right now...

I guess I feel so lost and irritated with myself. I can't believe I let every little thing bother me - I actually thought I was stronger than this. I feel constantly ignored at home (and even a little on here...), and I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'll probably have to take a break and figure things out, but 7 Cups is literally my only support group. But now on here, I kinda feel ignored and disrespected. I'm not naming any specific people, but I'm just looking for support on here. But...well, it's okay. I could just be overthinking, but I feel like I'm losing people :') I have so many friends on here, but I still feel so alone. Even in the crowd, I feel lonely. I'm just tired of the life I'm living, and things really need to change. So much chaos...it's too much. I feel like I'm being silently criticized for everything I do, no matter where I turn. I thought this was a second chance...I'm trying, but I never seem good enough. It's hard for me to believe people who say I'm strong and kind. I just feel like a selfish human being who is too emotional and broken. Will I be able to pick up the pieces again and really be happy again? I can't even answer that question because this is just a *** roller coaster that will *never* end. I'm sick and tired of my behavior and my life. I have to find a way to cope with this, or else I will get consumed. I was thinking that supporting others would actually help me, but I'm not even sure if that helps.

I guess I'll leave it here. Take care, everyone 👋

❤️ @selflessSpruce1515 ❤️

Finds a quiet corner under the magnificent spruce tree and *sits and starts writing a note*

Slides it under the tree, the note reads ❤️ "There will be times when nothing feels right, and the easiest and the most convenient thing would be to blame ze self for everything that's happening --- mostly the wrong parts lol, our amazing brain tends to miss out on the good stuff often :') and is so good at keeping tabs of all the not-so-good stuff, strange as it is --- because that's "our" own mind betraying us *clown face emoji* --- they say, make your mind your closest friend, a loved one so it treats you like a loved one too -- with some care, some love, some compassion and lots of understanding, so it knows when to give us a break and to simply let us *be*. Sprucey, it makes me upset to hear you're not doing so good and are going through alot, understandable to feel this rush of multiple emotions, and it is more than valid to feel overwhelmed and often just done with everything. Allow yourself to feel all that you are, the thoughts might not make sense and may not even be true, but your feelings are important and they exist for a reason ~ and so they matter, in all its entirety, your feelings do not define you, but they are still a part of you, super valid, super existent ~ and so it is necessary to give them their own time and space to be and flow at their pace. Sprucey is one of the strongest people, no I'm not reinforcing the belief that one needs to tackle tough stuff to be seen as someone strong and resilient, I'm only reminding you that your strength lies in the fact that despite the circumstances, you chose to be open to the light, the light however, is more inside *you* than it is outside, and heyyyyy, we have the power to keep the lamp burning bright as ever, that's something in our control still, despite what our brain might tell us --- it is okay to invalidate all the false stories our brain tries to feed us with, and be affirmed in our self belief and this one, the truest of them all thoughts --- you are accepted, appreciated, loved as you are, and always will be, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you and you do not need to ever try too hard to "fit in", let the people who fit "you" come closer, for there will always be someone out there, waiting for you, rooting for you, and believing in you, even when you struggle to beleive in yourself -- the number of times you struggle to see the good in yourself, just look over the sky, watch that sun shining extra bright and warm just for *you*. " ❤️

To some of my amazing friends on here: @Angelx28 @Sunisshiningandsoareyou @Everlee @coldbreeze00 @CupoSad076 @emotionalTalker2260 @MiniMia2 @BookishBlue13 @JennyINFP @fearfearfear @KyleBorg @SystemFireSkye @Wheeki16